Buang tebiat ke aku

Currently on repeat on my phone, car stereo and laptop.....

Makcik me

Since when have I become so fickle and unsure of myself?

I went on a break last week and came back calmer and refreshed. I looked back at the person I was a few weeks ago and thought, 'What have I done?'

Indeed, what have I done? How could I let emotions get the better of me? I had never been the sobbing, giving-up type. When I was younger, when I was bullied, I didn't think twice about fighting back. I was my own self even during primary school and never really cared about what people thought about me.

What type of person have I become? I thought we were supposed to be better with age? No one told me that I would be a fickle minded makcik at the age of 30ish?

Sigh.

The end

Wouldn't life be easy if we knew all the right decisions and the outcomes that comes with it?

I have decided to withdraw from my Masters in Orthopedics training.


I know to some, the decision came as a shock. People wonder what brought it and make judgements on how I have wasted an opportunity. They could not see any reason for me to make such a drastic decision.

Now that the decision is final and my application to withdraw has been accepted by the department, I feel a tinge of sadness; perhaps for indeed theoretically taking away someone else's chance to become an orthopedic specialist.

I struggled with the decision for months before calling it quits - bottom line is I hated the person I have become. What my good friend told me was true - I let my emotions get the better of me and in the end, it just became too much.

Optimism

Recently something happened to me - the details aren't important but Abg was not too happy about me putting myself in a risky situation despite my good intention.

More than a week has passed but I keep replaying it in my head - I wonder if that person looked at me and thought, 'Hey, this is easy money!' before approaching me that day in the car park. His sob story is typical and friends later warned me that it has happened before to other people.

I wonder if he rotates the sites where he does his con - and how he keeps up with the people he lied to. Does he choose his potential target by the prominence of his or her appearance? How long does he sit around in the car park before the right moment and person comes? Despite everything, I just had to admire his ability to think on his feet - I asked him a lot of questions and at that time everything appeared genuine.

How much I gave him is irrelevant - after all, the amount wasn't missed at all - but who knows, he may REALLY be in a tight situation as he had claimed and coming across this sour-faced makcik was the lucky break he needed.

The world would indeed be a depressing place if I kept thinking otherwise - and I think I need every bit of optimism right now.

Sayangku Spicy

Spicy is ill.

I noticed that she has been preferring dark places and not rushing to get out to the porch as she usually would whenever we were getting ready to leave for work. Food left out remained untouched.

I tried bribing her with tuna - hoping the treat would cheer her up - nothing. Not even a sniff.

The vet ran tests and found out that her kidneys are failing. Spicy was severely dehydrated and even with drips, she kept losing the fluids through her urine. She looked stressed, cooped up in a cage with the incessant barking of the dogs at the clinic but we wouldn't be able to help her much at home.

Spicy has always been a fighter; she had survived an infected broken leg, a shoulder disarticulation, and an infected wound - but I am not sure if she will survive this one.

Get well soon Spicy.

At peace

A lot of people wondered when I decided to take my 6-month break. A lot of people thought it was drastic; I had passed my Part 1 (though still unbelievable) and had just been confirmed as a UD52 (man, I feel old) so, career-wise, it was chugging on smoothly.

Not many realise that I had been on the verge of quitting altogether. Having had a short break post Part 1, I had a lot of free time to contemplate my life and what it lacked, despite me personally thinking how blessed it has been. I know I didn't need the money, I don't hunger the power nor fame (what fame?) and am only mildly disturbed by the fact that I may be receiving orders from specialists younger than me - one can only embrace aging gracefully, I say.

I started seeing things that needed to be done. They became my priority. At least that's what I thought. So, I talked to my boss and he suggested I take a break rather than quitting altogether. I smiled politely and made the necessary arrangement. At that time, I was sure deferring was only prolonging what was certain in my mind.

I left abruptly and left my good friends there shocked, to say the least. I was touched when they called and asked why. It showed me that they cared. Intermittently during the 6 months, a phonecall or an SMS would come me by, informing me of the latest department gossips and I appreciated that.

I loved being the little housewife - I learnt to sew (and quite well too, if I may say so myself) and set up home. I learnt that I love seeing my plants grow and thrive. I have a red frangipani growing on my front lawn and cannot wait for its first bloom. I realised, that despite being an able cook in the kitchen, that I am a lousy baker. I can throw random stuff into the pot and still come up with something edible but even following a recipe to the tee cannot guarantee me a perfect cupcake.

For once, my laundry stayed folded and ironed in the wardrobe. Abg only had to decide and pick out what to wear for work rather than rummaging through and picking out something decent from the laundry basket.

Of course, a lot of things also became sidetracked. I had wanted to go for cooking classes but became ill on several occasion which left me housebound for weeks at time; and of course the Eid celebrations took a portion of my time off. I enjoyed Ramadhan or perhaps Abg enjoyed it more because now that I am a housewife, I had no excuses for waking up and preparing sahur.

However, despite being all Martha Stewart-y, occasionally life felt it lacked something. I missed my friends. I missed being in the OT. As time went on, I began to look forward to returning.

To tell you the truth, I am seriously excited about going back. I look forward to seeing and talking to my friends and catching up on the latest gossip. I can't wait to be back in OT but I know I would have to reacquaint myself with managing cases now that it has been months since I've seen patients.

Now that our home has been set up, I do feel a little sad about leaving it. Every little thing had at least a tiny bit of thought and memory behind it but I do realise that life is about sacrifices and this is only a minute one.

So, I am glad I took this break. As I told my friend Kumar, it was something that I needed to get out of my system or else I would constantly be feeling uneasy and have 'What if's hanging round my head. I learnt to let go of certain dreams - perhaps some things really are not meant to be - and accept the fact that life is totally fine without it.

I may or even may not complete my training - as far as I know myself, I can be pretty fickle minded - but at least I am at peace with the decisions I made so far and one can't ask for more than that.

We can't save them all

 

People who know me, know for a fact how much I love cats. I love cats so much that I actually prefer their company rather than a human's (Abg being one of the few exceptions). Cats are so resilient - they don't whine or wail when they are sick and my (fur)kids always know when I am sad or depressed.

I just can't bear seeing strays begging for food, being covered in mange or being kicked by non cat lovers. I always wonder what the cats are feeling: are they hoping the next garbage bin they rummage through will have a morsel for them to eat and not get splashed with hot water for making a mess? Are they wondering if they'd have somewhere warm and dry to sleep at when the rain comes?

Recently, I had gone to visit a relative and had witnessed a road traffic accident. There was a body lying on a police stretcher, all covered up and bloody. Looking at the state of the Hilux, it must have been a bad one. On the way back, we witnessed this horrifying scene of three small kittens who must have rolled out from underneath a moving car and was ran over mercilessly by the other cars. The body of the man left me unmoved (after all, this was a normal scene working in a hospital) but I kept imagining the helpless kittens and still thought of them two days afterwards.

I hate going to markets because instead of looking at the produce, I am often distracted by the stray cats. Some seem pretty healthy and I am happy at least some kinds souls are feeding them. I see tiny kittens playing underneath tables, pawing at bits of string - their eyes crusted, their hip bones showing and their fur matted - and my heart goes out to them. I would look pleadingly at Abg and often he would ignore this silly wife of his; if she had her way, all the cats and kittens would sleep on the bed! I know though that he feels the same way but we also know that we can't save them all.

A few months ago, we were at the weekend market and a car was blocking our exit and as Abg was looking for the driver, I spied a little kitten just sitting with his head down by the drain. Without giving Abg a chance to say anything, I went out and scooped him up and brought him into the car. All throughout the ride home, his head stayed down and didn't make a sound. He barely fit in my palm and looked ill. Tani pulled through, thankfully and will never leave my side if he can help it.

Often I would drop by KTAJ's adoption page and pray for the cats looking for their forever home. At least the kittens are snapped up quite quickly but the adult ones are usually less popular and most of the time would just be re-released to become strays again. I wish I could take them all but I suppose I have to be realistic. If I could take care of ten cats properly, i.e. vaccinate and spay/neuter them and get treatment for whatever illness that comes - then, that is better than having 30 which are ill and mange covered - but that's just my opinion.

Yes, looking at strays can be heartbreaking but sometimes you just have to be strong and let nature make it's natural selection. It may sound cruel but that's how it has been done for all these years. So I look longingly at the small black kitten at the fish stall and tell myself, 'We can't save them all' and despite the heaviness in my heart, walk away.