Busy bee

I don't often try out recipes I get off cookbooks or cooking shows. I always have this niggling doubt that the chef will never reveal his/her secrets and though convincing the 'umm's and the 'aah's can be, who's to tell really how delicious the food really is? Kan kan kan...

Anyway, I recently discovered that a friend of mine had started a blog since she's been in Auckland furthering her studies. Anyway, she posted a recipe called Tuna Rolls and it was so simple, I just have to give it a go. Besides, kalau tak jadi, I tau la mana nak cari tuannya...haha....

So, in honour of 'Those Moments...', here is my version of it...

Ingredients:
2 small tins of tuna - tin of 185g each
3 tablespoonfuls of Mayonnaise

because I just lurrrrrrve onions and to me, making a tuna sandwich without chopped onions is a sin in my books, I added one and half of chopped yellow onions.



2 tablespoonfuls of corn kernels



Salt and ground pepper to taste

2 eggs - beaten
Cheese - to your heart's desire. I used Perfect Italiano's mixture of shredded Cheddar, Parmesan and Mozzarella.

Bread - basically I tried this recipe out using two types of bread: Hailam bread (the crustless white bread you typically find in Kopitiams) and the usual sliced bread.

My verdict, both are equally usable; the Hailam bread is longer but narrower so your rolls will be more of the petite size. Point to note though is Hailam bread becomes stiff if left in the open so only take them out when you are ready to lay out the filling and roll it up.

Mix up the tuna, corn kernels, onions, mayo and seasoning. Butter or margarine up your bread. Place about a teaspoonful or two of fillings on bread and roll it up. Seal the ends with egg and lay your rolls on a baking tray.



Just before putting them in the oven, (pre heated at 180 celcius), I gave the rolls an eggwash and scattered cheese generously.

They should be ready after about 15 mins. But of course, this depends on how you like your cheese topping, but in general 15 mins should be okay.

Best eaten fresh from the oven while the bread is still crispy.


The top 4 are the ones made with Hailam bread, the middle with normal sliced bread but rolled diagonally, basically for experimentation purposes and the bottom row is the rolled up sliced bread.

Abg loved it; definitely a keeper this one.

Thank you Zaa, keep them coming okay?

Not feeling so great

I am the most terrible person in the world.

Last week, Abg's cousin came back for a week's trip back home. She lives down south (of Malaysia la) and I guess trips back up to the East Coast can be pretty taxing for a family with three young kids.

She recently got a new baby, you see, and a boy at that. The thing is, out of Abg's many cousins, I quite like this one. But I just couldn't bring myself to see her. I want to be happy for her, but seeing those ten little toes and little fingers will just remind me of the thing I lost.

I thought I was okay. Afterall, it has been 3 months now but I guess I thought wrong.

Sigh.

Now I keep returning to that week and my mind keeps on replaying the events leading up to the loss and I just can't stop. Which stage of grief am I now going through that I keep trying to find someone or something to blame? (Writing this blog used to be therapeutic but now that it isn't so anonymous anymore, I guess I have to take into account the feelings of people who may be reading this.) What if I hadn't been oncall that night? What if I HAD heeded to what other people were saying and not walk so fast everywhere? or had worn flatties instead of my Crocs wedges? or had insisted on staying at home when I was on MC instead of coming to work just because my partner 'had something to attend to' and couldn't come back a day earlier than planned?

Am I resenting being so righteous and self sacrificing, whereas I had consciously made that decision knowing what was at stake?

Yes, deep down I know it probably wouldn't have made a difference but I am feeling it all the same.

And I am not liking it. I am a terrible person.

Bubu Bubu Where Art Thou.....?

Bubu is missing.

Usually Bubu sleeps with us in the room, and yes, on the bed. He does though, have this annoying habit of waking up at in the wee hours of the morning, mewing to be let out. Since he is left to prowl outside, normally he would come home in the evenings for his dinner. I was on call on Wednesday and Abg hasn't seen him since.

BTW, the little orange kitty has died. Sedih.

It's now been two nights in a row that Bubu hasn't come home. Neighbours who recognise Bubu as our cat has not seen him either. Last night (I was conked out post call) Abg even went to look for him but nothing.

Sigh.

I hope he is okay. If he comes home, off he will go to the vet. Serious. I hope Bubu doesn't follow in the pawstep (paw, foot, geddit?) of Cumi who has gone off and not come home.

This is a fluffy post

My wrist hurts.

Ironically I've been preparing for an Ortho CME and mine's titled Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. I had been procrastinating, as usual and had left it for the last minute and subsequently ended up completing it all in 4 hours. However, the 4 hours with my right hand permanently glued on the mouse proved to be unfortunate as I now cannot even grip properly without hurting.

I'm in a rather happy mood today (for a change, haha) - my project presentation went well and my boss is happy and I returned home to find that Abg had bought me the new Double McSpicy (or something like that). I was tapping away at the PC when Abg came to me and presented me with the new Burberry fragrance. Hmmm, McD AND new perfume? I asked him to 'fess up but he just laughed it off.

Biasa la perempuan - bila husband tak beli hadiah, marah - bila husband beli, ingat dia buat salah. No wonder Abg has grown balder by the day.

Furthermore, my three kittens are well unto the road to recovery. Black with socks looked near at death's door a few days ago. He had refused to eat or drink and his eyes were crusted shut. I had wiped away at the dried up eye discharges and fed him water with a syringe. Also stuffed him with decongestants and antibiotics. Today he even came running to greet me as I stepped off the car. Bliss.

My wrist still hurts but at least I'm happy.

In shock

Okay......

I cannot believe we got 3rd place for something that was made up and started about three weeks ago..........

Madness

I wonder how long these two froggies have been trapped in my candle holder-ornament thingy.

I'm feeling that familiar feeling of unease again today.

Yes, it is my fault that I haven't found the time nor made the effort to do this certain 'extra curricular' project. What with my pregnancy and the workload and the subsequent miscarriage, it just slipped my mind.

I confessed that it has been my mistake and I accepted full responsibility for not coming up with anything, but when I was told to 'make it up' - I was, to say the least, quietly horrified. I no longer see the relevance of making a big fuss over something that has been literally picked from thin air.

Furthermore, I was reassured that other people will be doing the same thing.

Ho hum.

Still, I stuck to orders and came up with something.

I have been rather testy with my group - I think they are a bit concerned about my nonchalance of it all. I, on the other hand, refuse to leave my duties for something, which I may remind you, is TOTALLY MADE UP..! Hel-looooo....?

Or is it me? Is there something that you all know that I don't know about? Lives will not be lost if I mess up the presentation, the world will not come to an abrupt end - get a grasp of the big picture la....

Perhaps it is a bit difficult when my story lacks the details but I will not be pressured unreasonably for something that is against my principles. My first and foremost responsibility is towards my patients and THAT is THAT. Enough of this madness.

Swamped

Bubu pestering me to let him out.

My specialist and colleague have returned after a 5 day hiatus attending a conference in KL. I may now breathe a sigh of relief. It's not so much the number of patients I had to attend to, but it's the burden of having to make your own decisions that bugs me most.

My specialist returned to find that I had kept a case of atlanto-axial dislocation in the ward. He had been admitted since last Thursday. I knew that there was something wrong with him, yet I don't really know what. His x ray looked fishy but since the incident had happened 2 months before and he was (relatively) well, I hadn't stressed my unease to my boss. I can tell that he is (to say politely) miffed with me, and I must admit that I probably deserved it.

I'm in the middle of preparing for a presentation and have asked for a day off to complete it. I know I'm supposed to keep my nose to the grindstone but you know how it is when you have something to complete, there's always something else to distract your focus away from the job at hand.

Of idiotic, ignorant lorry drivers and such...

I had a major nervous breakdown this morning.

Things had been slightly gritty at home for the past few days and my mood have only started to pick up this morning.

Anyway, I was getting ready for work and was trying to find my petticoat. I own THREE petticoats and can't find any that morning. I went on a mini amok and tumbled out all the clothes in the laundry basket and even went through all the mess in my SIL's room but couldn't locate even one.

In a cloud of fury I left home, petticoat-less.

At the turning into the kampung where FIL's house is, a taxi was in front of me signalling right. I snapped on my signal to the left and waited. As the taxi made his right turn, I edged forward and slanted the front of my car to the left in order to merge into the flow of cars. Suddenly this idiotic lorry driver (org suruh gi sekolah, kau main2, dah besar jadi drebar lori bodoh tak guna menyusahkan org!) crawled to a stop right in front of my car, and parked itself!!! I honked my horn as loudly as I can and gave him my most evil stare. Bodoh. Now I had to readjust my car in order to make my left turn. Kau tak nampak ke aku bagi signal bahalol! Typical stupid kiasu Kelantan people attitude, selagi kau boleh parking depan kedai, agaknya atas tangga kedai kau nak letak kereta engkau. Bangang.

Yang sakit hatinya, bila I managed to turn left, si celaka tu boleh pulak horn kat aku macam aku yg salah. Sial. I horn balik in protest and drove off. Kalau tak fikir I dah lewat nak gi kerja, I would have stopped to give him a piece of my mind. Eii, rasa macam nak tikam2 je tayar lorry bawak ice dia tu.

Bodoh. Mana ada org park kereta kat simpang la bangang. Consider la org nak keluar dari simpang tu. If it's not the ice lorry, it's the gas tank lorry. All idiots.

I drove off in a rage and screamed my lungs out in the car. Suddenly it wasn't just about the stupid lorry driver and his inconsiderate driving but it was ALL that was going wrong in my life. I cried tears of rage and frustration and shouted some more. It has gone way beyond lack of privacy or my own home or even losing my petticoats but more like losing a grip on my life and where I want to be headed to. I had dreams and it is slowly trickling away into nothingness.

I am drowning in a river of melancholy and I have no one to turn to.

Nothing in particular

Poor Cumi has been having a bad cold for the past week. His eyes are all swollen and red and he's is sniffling all the time.

I'm feeling overwhelmed by the flu that is making the rounds amongst my cats. The three youngest who first caught it have yet to recover despite getting jabs and now three more cats have been infected.

The only consolation is that despite the runny nose and swollen eyes, all seem to be eating well and running all over the place. Except for Che'Mot whom I think must have some sort of liver disease by the way how distended his tummy is.



My new cage has arrived! I think I will draw a line and stop the madness here. No more stray cats and certainly no more cages. But at least they have more space to stretch out and lie down.



Ruru seems to be doing well. He seems pretty chummy with Che'Lan and spends a good time rolling around and pouncing on each other.

The mother of the three strays will be getting spayed tomorrow. We've been keeping them in the spare cage during the night as the last few days it has been raining in the evenings. Yesterday, silly mummy cat left with the two red/orange tabbies. She's been coming back for food but her two kittens are nowhere to be seen. At least the black one has had some sense to stay put. I hope the two kids are alright. Tried looking for them; they usually come running when I make the 'tsk tsk tsk' sound - but nothing.

Please adopt us!

Last week, while I was getting ready for work, I heard cat growls from outside. It wasn't like male cats trying to intimidate each other, but more like mummy cat trying to shoo away tom cats.

Lo and behold, in the two calverts left in the compound of FIL's house, a family of four had been left there.


Mummy cat with one of the kittens.


Cute, right!?


The three siblings - very playful and energetic.


Close up of one of the kittens - if this doesn't tug at your heartstrings, well, I don't know! :)

I'd love to adopt them but as yet I already have 16 including the mummy cat and 2 kittens I brought home from work. I'm spaying mummy cat this Thursday. She doesn't seem to be getting along well with my other kids - hissing and growling at everyone who passes by. Sheesh. Anti sosial betul!

I'm worried taking on too many will compromise the care of my other kids. As of now I'm already worried about the cost of their food - I'm only able to get them at good prices when I get back to KL (how ironic is that).

Furthermore, the cat flu has been making the rounds with my kids - the three youngest have yet to recover and Cumi and Ciki and Doralin are already having the sniffles.

So, if you know anyone, do tell them about these lovely siblings - did you know that having pets can prolong your life expectancy?

Double standard

I love observing people. Be it people I work with, or people passing by as I go about window shopping. I think there's a lot of entertainment value in observing people's behaviour.

Seriously. Just try and sit on a bench somewhere (1Utama new wing has really comfy ones) and watch people go by. You will laugh, be touched and even cry.

We had a VIP patient at our casualty the other day. You know something important has happened if suddenly there are people the size of a small kampung gathering at the casualty waiting area.

I had been busy in OT all day and only heard about the VIP presenting at our casualty with chest pains.

Now, this VIP is famed, amongst other reasons, for having 4 wives. Allegedly, one of them had been an ex sweetheart of his own son. Juicy, no? I found it amusing that people were more interested in the fact that all his wives had turned up together rather than the nature of his illness!

When I finally went to the casualty department to review my ortho cases, the VIP was still very much the centre of attention. I observed in silence and in much amusement how one of the officers (non MO) at my casualty department was speaking in hushed tones into the phone, pondering on the ECG as if his life depended on it, with cold beads of sweat spattered on his forehead. This is the guy, whom, if this was any other regular patient, would've just walked by and went home.

Makes you wonder doesn't it? It makes ME wonder, anyway. Me, as laser as I can be, I treat my patients the same. My priority depends on the severity of the illness. Of course, I make certain exceptions for members of the profession, I guess in life we have to make some leeway somewhere.

Not just another day at work..

It is inevitable as a doctor to come face to face with death. I wish I could say I remember vividly how I felt when I handled my first death case but I can't. All those deaths that happened in my years of working have intermingled with each other and have become as blurry as the emotions that I feel whenever another life is terminated. However, there are a few that has stayed as clear as if it happened just yesterday.

I was on call on the male side that night. What that means is that there is a near to nil chance of sleeping and almost 98% chance of doing a peritoneal dialysis (PD). I don't know what it is like in other hospitals but in HRPZII, doing a PD is as routine as taking your patient's blood. The first thing a freshie houseman has to learn from his or her senior HO is how to do a PD. It is not unusual to walk into the male ward and see 5 beds in a row with PD dialysate hanging from drip stands.

The patient was placed in the first bed on the left of the ward. He was about 35, and with skin as yellow as anything. I don't know why he was in, I only know that I was supposed to do a PD on him that night. As far as I remember, I followed each step of it by the book and the patient wasn't even in the list of high risk candidates for perforation - introduction of the troca was relatively easy I didn't need to redo it.

The next thing I know, the patient's body convulsed and after a few moments, lay still. I alerted my MO and started CPR but couldn't revive him.

I don't remember what my MO put down as the cause of death but I do remember seeing the faces of his wife and relatives and hearing the wail of his toddler kid. They say kids can see the angel of death coming to do his job. They had come to visit him - ill but at least alive - instead had to return home with a lifeless body.

Yes I was devastated but I didn't have time to dwell on it. Being a houseman means a death is just another day at work. You have to be detached emotionally. I guess I was lucky in the sense that I posessed that detachment and saw all the deaths that happened as just another learning experience.

Yet, despite it happening about 5 years ago I keep soming back to that night and wondering whether it was something I did that resulted in his demise.

There were numerous other deaths - the kid with CP, the many many retroviral patients, my ESRF makcik who spent months in the ward and died alone, the diabetic with gas gangrene who refused amputation until it was too late and died of sepsis. Despite being so blase about it all, you just have to take a moment to remind yourself that even though he/she was just another number on your mortality statistic, he/she was someone's mother/father/sister/brother/wife/husband and to the family, their deaths isn't JUST another day at work.

Update!

I think I just can't be bothered with a separate blog for my furkids, so in the meantime my cat stories will be here.

BEFORE



AFTER







Anyhow, I am putting this family up for adoption. I found them at my hospital's casualty. Apparently they were found sleeping all over the place and one of the kittens died a few days ago. I can't keep them due to the lack of space and the fact that the four 'mousecateers' - Che'Mot, Che'Lan, Che'We and Ruru (though this one's already recovering) have the cat flu and have been sneezing all over the place - just shows me how badly I need more cages which I can't get at the moment.



I hope future mummy and/or daddy to the kittens would be able to adopt them together or better still the whole family. I'm hoping to spay the mother soon and maybe rereleasing her.



This one's got a light dusting of white fur on top of the black. Nice long perfect tail too. It would be interesting to see how kitty turns out.



This one's smaller than the black one. Both are still dependant on the mummy cat so adopters might have to wait for 2-3 weeks before they can be weaned off mummy. Of course, if you take the whole family, you'll be able to take them straight away!

Metaphor

I love watching House M.D. - yes I know it is only acting and the actors barely understand what came out of their mouths but since I already (sometimes) exhibit House's attitude towards (some) patients, I figure I should at least posess a portion of his diagnotic skills.

When House analyses his cases, one of his trademarks is his metaphors. Which is a brilliant idea, because not only it gives House his character, it also makes all the medical mumbo jumbo comprehensible to the audience. Genius, right?

But anyway, I'm not here to write about House - I've just spent the day cleaning the house, doing laundry, turning my Kenari back into a car (it was a garbage dump disguised as a car previously) and attempted to get my Ciki checked by the vet assistant (she developed a swelling at the suture site - which I hope is only a seroma and not an abscess or a hernia) but the vet was closed (probably on account of the 'Pertandingan Kucing' that just went on the day before). Plus, four of my youngest furkids have developed a cold - poor Che'We was sneezing and coughing and tossing and turning about to make himself comfortable - and I can only get my animal decongestants tomorrow!

My 13th warrior has been named Che'Ruru or just Ruru. Her eyes are slightly better but I think Ruru was the one who spread all the germs around. She's still having some residual upper eyelid swelling and pus discharge but I think she will survive by how she has been jumping all over and under the place.

Shall I write about the recent petrol price increase like everyone has, I wonder? It's been 4 days now but people are still talking about it. When they are not associating you-know-who's name with various profanities, they are lamenting about how difficult life will be now when they could barely make ends meet before.

I just want to share a metaphor I read somewhere which describes simply what the govt means by subsidy.

A father catches a fish in the river behind his house. He then cooks the fish and serves it for his son to eat.

Just as son is about to tuck in, father asks for RM10 as a payment for the meal.

Son asks - Why should I pay you RM10 when it costs you nothing or almost nothing to catch it and cook it?

Father says - Because if you were to buy this fish outside, it would cost you RM15. So I am doing you a favour by only asking for RM10!

So, 'father' in this story is the government, 'son' is the rakyat and I hope you get the point of the story. Perhaps I am sounding naive but isn't it laughable that the PM talks about the so called subsidy like he is doing us a favour?!

You are cordially invited...

Yes, I think I AM turning into crazy ol' cat lady.....so crazy am I that I have started a blog on my cats.

So, pop your head over once in a while if you have the time.

The 13th Warrior?

Had a visit to the vet today. Vet wasn't in but was attended to by a student vet (assumption based on the UPM t shirt she was wearing) who impressed me.

Che'mot whom I found loitering at the labour room haven't been well. Despite being given the best food, he had never put on weight. But I was not worried before because he was still eating and playing as only Che'Mot would - Che'Mot is the moody and reclusive type, unlike my other baby Che'Lan who jumps all over the place like nobody's business - but the past week he began to look almost cachectic. I wanted to get him to the vet earlier but he improved slightly in the middle of the week.

The student vet suggested antibiotics and some vitamin paste which I've already started to give. As a last resort I bought a can of Prescription Diet which is supposed to promote healing and provide energy. He seemed to be receptive to it but he still looks very lethargic.

But anyway, as we were waiting for the student vet to finish up with Che'Mot, this little 'warrior' came scrambling out. Abg who thought it belonged to the store/animal hospital alerted the shop assistant but apparently little kitty was found abandoned there this morning.

As much as I detest people who throw away unwanted kittens (hel-lo? Haven't you heard of the concept of family planning?) at least I have to give the person some credit for letting lil kitten go at a place where it might be taken care of instead of being splashed with hot water or smacked with a broom.






Okay, she might not look much now but wait till the eye discharge and swelling resolves and the skin infection clears up.....she will be a beauty, I'm sure.

I said to Abg that this will be the last stray we rescue - there's just not enough space - but Abg just rolled his eyes in mock amusement.

What do you think?

Unease

I had one of those days when it ended with a feeling of unease. I hate it when that happens.

Recently I wanted to treat some of my staff to a meal. As the clinic progressed, I was asking whether there was anywhere particularly nice to eat. Anyhow, they then admitted that they were having a pot luck of sorts but if I insisted on buying, the gesture is always welcome.

So, I handed my staff an amount of money and told her to get item A and B. We had lunch and later that afternoon, my staff handed me the balance. I didn't even think twice about it until I got home. I did some calculations and there was no way that item A+B could amount to the money that was spent. So I asked my staff to show me the receipt.

I got the receipt this morning and was taken aback when there was item C, D and 3 x item E and furthermore, the balance that was returned to me was short! Okay, I didn't mind that so much because item C ended up being shared among us but only one of the three of item E ended up on the table and there was no sign at all of item D!

So, apakebendanya nie?! I didn't want to make a fuss - so I quietly had a talk with my staff. She said she had asked one of the other staff to get the food as the rest were busy assisting with the morning clinics. According to her, she had no idea that the other person had decided to get the extra items.

I told her that the issue here isn't the money. I don't care about the money but I DO care about having some respect for your superior (especially since the staff who had gone on the errand had barely any direct contact with me before) and I DO care about honesty. Do have some decency to ASK before making your own decision especially when it's not your money that you are spending.

I told her that I am telling her this because she directly works with me every week and I know that she would understand what I am getting to. I also added that she was not to spread this around as there might be a tendency for the rest to misunderstand my point.

Sheesh, I hate having squabbles over money....people tend to be so sensitive when it comes to issues regarding moolah.....kan??

*sigh* - So the feeling of unease remains.....

I'd rather talk about my cats than work, thanks!

Work has been very ......puzzling.

Yes, it is an unusual word to use but I am finding the transition of HTM from a district hospital to a hospital with specialists very confusing.

Rather than go into details and run the risk of being interrogated by my bosses, I shall now begin by writing about Fizzy.

When we found Fizzy, we had just lost one of the small kittens left in a box in front of our house. Actually, a pair was left in the box, mewing their lungs out in the shrubbery. One of them survived to about 6 months of age before being knocked down by motorbike riding school kids. We then started to keep them in until after the morning rush has subsided.

Anyway, I remember that it was the fasting month and it was drizzling. We had just visited Abg's uncle at HM and wanted to stop by at the Pasar Ramadhan. A silver Waja drove out of a space and Abg wanted to park there when I saw a ball of greyish fur huddled there. I quickly jumped (can you imagine me JUMPING? No? Then maybe jumping isn't the right word to use here, haha) out of the car and picked grey ball of fur up.

A shopkeeper was amused by my antics and I asked her if kitten belonged to her and she said no. We left grey kitten in the car while we went shopping and he has been living with us since.







Fizzy grew attached to another kitten we had who was about the same age - Fifi. They would go on walks together (berderat, as we say it here), eat together, play and sleep together. Alas, Fifi was knocked down a motorbike. Abg actually thought it was someone else's cat until he saw the red collar.



So nowadays, Fizzy is more or less a loner. Bubu gets into his mood swings more often nowadays but at least they can still sleep on the same bed. Fizzy sleeps with us too, by the way. There were times when we would find nice brown lumps, usually at the corner near the wardrobe, behind my printer but luckily findings like that have been almost non existant now.



Because Fizzy is younger than Bubu, occasionally he gets bullied by Bubu but actually Fizzy is more of the machoman compared to Bubu. He would catch mice and play with it to his heart's content. I find that the younger cats look up to Fizzy like the elder brother and just loves to follow him around.



Fizzy has a white spot on his back. I'd like to think it as his special thing. He has grown really heavy the past few weeks.







This is Fizzy's I-can't-believe-you-are-taking-my-pic-while-I'm-trapped-here face.



Sometimes, when Bubu isn't around or when he is nice enough to let someone share his perch on top of the wardrobe, Fizzy likes to climb up as well.

Tales of my cats...

Apparently some of my colleagues have gotten hold of my blog and are actually reading the nonsense I am writing.....hello you-know-who-you-people are!! Hahaha...

So, that means I can't write about my colleagues (tapi I tak pernah mengumpat korang okeyyy) and I certainly can't write (badly) about my boss (haha) and my patients (and their relatives) sometimes don't warrant my time tapping away on the keyboard with my crappy Slowmyx connection.

I have 12 cats to date - I know! How did they get to be so many?; if I were single, I'd probably be known as the crazy cat lady who ended up dead and her cats made a feast of her body. Urgh.

Bubu is my 'anak sulung'. It was last August when I found him loitering around the OPD, all thin and scruffy. Seriously, he was so 'comot'.



Didn't I say he was scruffy? He was very vocal back then - we wanted to train Bubu to do his business in the bathroom so at nights, we would lock him up. He would be mewing his lungs out till he fell asleep. It worked, though. Bubu sleeps with us on the bed and will always poo where he is supposed to.



Bubu has the nicest personality when he was growing up. Being the only cat in the house at that time, he was very attached to us yet he was equally welcoming to the other members of the family. People would carry him around, and he wouldn't mind. Kids could be yanking at his tail and he wouldn't care.



Bubu grew up (and out) wonderfully under our care. He lost his emaciated look and became a handsome cat indeed. His tail surprised us the most - we never thought it would become so fluffy!



Bubu is about a year old now. I am planning to neuter him soon but just couldn't find the time. Apparently cats get fatter and become healthier after 'snip snip' but currently he's still well behaved - none of that peeing on the wall business - but I HAVE seen him on 'dates' with the female cats around and he has been getting into fights with the other tom cats.



Bubu loves to sleep. All he does is sleep, eat, sleep some more, eat some more and sleep. He would go for his daily rounds outside at about 8 at night but would always come back in time for bedtime with us. Yes, Bubu sleeps with us on the bed, in the air conditioned room.



Occasionally when he gets tired of the bed, he would climb unto the wardrobe and sleep there.






This is Bubu's will-you-please-stop-taking-pictures-please face. and Yes, he was sleeping at that time. Hence the pissed off face.



I still can't get him to catch mice though. Despite his gentle nature, Bubu is a scaredy cat. In fact, I think the term 'scaredy cat' was probably created for Bubu. He's especially afraid of the vacuum cleaner, will run a mile once we switch it on.

The thing I look forward most at the end of a work day (apart from seeing Abg, of course) is to watch my cats. As most cat lovers will tell you, each one has a personality of their own. Just like kids and as long as I haven't got any and even after I have my own, my cats will be my kids.....

Next - Fizzy..

Insomnia

When I was younger - I think I was about 8 at that time - I went through a phase of insomnia. Try as I might, I just couldn't sleep unless I was in the same room as Ma. I wasn't sure why or what had triggered it but whenever I tried sleeping with my sis, I would pester her to talk to me or tell stories just so that she wouldn't fall asleep before I did.

It was as if I couldn't bear to be left alone when everyone else had gone to dreamland.

One night I dragged my pillow and just sat outside Ma's room. I remember looking at the cuckoo clock on the wall and it was half one in the morning and I just sat there. Waiting for Ma to open the door. I didn't cry, I didn't even knock on her door - I just sat there in silence. Eventually Ma came out, I think she had to go to the kitchen or something. I don't remember if she scolded me but I went into her room and laid myself on the mattress on the floor at the foot of the bed and happily went to sleep.

I remember feeling so safe and contented and I remember it was the best feeling in the world that night.

Lately I have been having that same unsettled, niggling fear. I would feel restless as I hear Abg slowly drifting off to sleep. A part of me wanted to wake him up and ridiculously wanted to make him talk to me just as I had made Yanie tell stories to me just so she wouldn't fall asleep first all those years ago.

Spending the week at home with Ma had been calming. I thought I had passed the crying-at-the-drop-of-the-hat phase. I thought I was ready to go home and resume my life. But as I sit here, I am again dreading the night. I feel like the little kid who is quaking in fear for the bogeyman in the closet.

Perhaps it is the room and the bed and the memories that comes with it. I keep flashing back to everything that has happened in the last 4 months - when I was full of hope and overjoyed with the miracle - and the last few weeks when there were uncertainty and tears.

I know I must let it go - but does it have to be so hard?

My current wishlist...

I have one of these (in yellow-black, don't ask why)...


and I have one of these also...



and now I really want a pair of these (for some strange reason, Crocs Ikano doesn't stock Black-Black, they only have silver-lavender, choc-cotton candy and bronze-bronze)..



Despite what some people are ranting (check out I Hate Crocs dot com ) - I find them seriously comfortable. I walk a lot and my Sassari makes me feel like I'm walking on air! (Believe me when I say that THAT is a mammoth task! Haha)

I went to Ikano yesterday ('berpantang' at home can be really taxing when you don't have a baby to show for it...) to clear the cobwebs in my head and had tried on a pair of the Cyprus. Ala......it was love at first fit.....*sigh* but love reduced significantly when I looked at the price - RM209 okay!??!

But I haven't found myself sated with other shoes since getting my Sassari. My Clarks and Primavera and Bata are just lying on the shoe rack accummulating dust.

So, shall I or shan't i?

Healing

Thank you for all the warm wishes. Believe it or not every single comment left here has helped with the grieving process.

Thank you.

I wonder....

if the grief ever goes away?

Empty

I don't know how many times I've come back to this page and stared at the blinking cursor, not knowing what or why or how to start.


For a while, all I wanted was an end. A conclusion. A finality so that I can finally get on with my life.

Now that that is here, I find myself facing an emptiness.


I woke up in the wee hours of the morning today; somewhat soothed by the snoring of Abg who is lying uncomfortably on the cleopatra sofa in my room. I am awashed by the amount of love and patience that this man have showered on me and as the memories of events that passed in the last few days come flooding back, again I find tears rolling slowly down my cheeks.

My baby was a perfect, healthy baby boy. Abg and I was sure we were having a girl; if the situation was otherwise, I'm sure both of us would be laughing at our silliness.

For a while I was just numb. For a while the outside world ceased to exist. But slowly it came back, weighted by this vast emptiness I am currently feeling.

It would be so easy to think that I am the only one grieving and some moments, the selfishness indeed grabs me but Abg has stood fast - patiently, quietly and I am shamed.

Perhaps it's not my time for the 'rezeki'. Until that time comes, I will be here - grieving but humbled and thankful.

Hopeless and helpless

I am losing my baby and there is nothing much I can do about it. I wonder if the feeling is akin to watching your kid drown slowly and you are just sitting there not doing anything? I hope no one will experience what I have gone through.

I was on call on Thursday when it happened. I was whizzing around clerking cases at about 11 pm when suddenly my waters broke. Initially I thought I'd peed in my pants. In fact, for one ridiculous moment I was thinking that maybe something really wrong has happened to my spinal cord, why else would I be peeing without any sensation of wanting to pee? Come to think of it, I'd rather it be pee than what it turned out to be.

I went to clean myself in the loo but the fluid kept trickling - it didn't smell like urine, it was clear and void of smell. Then it struck me that it could be my amniotic fluid. I rushed to the labour room to get a change of clothes and did a rough scan. It revealed that I barely had any fluid around my fetus. I had to call my colleague to look at a retained placenta and she did a scan on me. Same findings. I was only able to sleep at 4 and when I woke up at half 6, I called Abg. In between sobbing I told him what happened so he came right away. Called Ma who could barely understand what I was saying but knew instantly something was really wrong.

We went to see a specialist in Perdana, Dr Awang Nila who was very nice about it. He didn't beat around the bush when he admitted that the chances of the baby surviving is slim. I'd told myself not to cry but the tears kept coming. Abg was devastated, I know. I think he was even more excited about the impending arrival even more than I was.

So now I'm on complete bed rest and antibiotics for the rest of the week. Last time I scanned the fetal heart was still beating but the condition doesn't look good. My amniotic fluid doesn't seem to be replenishing itself. I'm no longer leaking but I suppose it's because I no longer have anything to leak.

Abg has been my pillar of strength; I suppose it'd be ridiculous if both of us had a mental breakdown. I'm just taking each day as it comes. I suppose I have been lucky; at least I had 16 weeks of experiencing something I had thought I'd never go through. Allah must have something else planned for me for only He knows best.

Still in pain but much much better..

Called Ma after suffering for three days. Initially wanted to ask if it's okay to rub oil on the tummy (dah tak makan, apa lagi, masuk angin la). She immediately membebel for leaving it for three days and made me promise to visit this mak bidan in Pasir Puteh.

So, I went today, accompanied by my Che' Ngoh. When we arrived at just before 9, already 3 people were waiting and as we waited for Mok Su to finish cooking, three other customers arrived. By the time she completed the first makcik, the compound of her house looked like a 'bekwah' (bekwah = kelantanese for kenduri) was going on.

Since the first makcik was too lethargic to walk into the room, I managed to see what Mok Su's magic was all about. Basically was she did was touch certain parts of your body and recite Quranic verses. She will then ask you to lie sideways and then perform similar acts on certain parts of your back. She will finish by patting you a few times on the back for 'pelepasan' (I think).

My turn came at about quarter to 11. She asked me what was wrong and I said I've been having really bad suprapubic pain. She touched my tummy and said 'it' had gone down too much and proceeded with whatever it is that she does. Then she told me to lie supine and in a pleased tone told me that everything is okay now - 'it' has gone up. 'It', I'm presuming is my uterus.

As skeptical as I am, I seriously did feel better afterwards. In fact, each step isn't accompanied by severe pain as it was before. Even travelling in the car wasn't as bad.

She gave me some 'air tawar' to drink at home and then proceeded to the next customer who carried a bling bling bag complete with Gucci sunglasses. People even brought babies to see her.

I'm hoping another day of rest will make me recover so that Dr Su who walks like she is in a rush all the time will be back gracing the covered walks of HTM.

The misery of being ill..

On a three-day MC and what am I doing blogging? Well, for starters, sitting is about the only position that I feel relatively pain free. Though occasionally waves of cramps do wash over the tummy and make me cringe.

Sleeping was mostly a nightmare. I kept waking up being 'lenguh' after sleeping in the right lateral position.

Walking is a pain fest with every step. As my nurses pointed out yesterday when I went to see our resident OBGYN, that I looked like someone in the pantang rather than before.

Got myself a course of antibiotics and panadol and Abg has boiled me barley to help with the presumed UTI. The pain is so bad that I'm actually considering getting myself warded....ho hum..

Worry wort me

I guess being in the medical profession doesn't really make one's pregnancy better. As I had said previously, maybe ignorance is bliss.

Many mother-to-bes are surprised when I tell them that abortions (or miscarriages if you prefer to call it that, since 'abortion' is actually a medical term, lay people usually relate abortion with unwanted pregnancies) are really quite common. I had read somewhere that 15% of pregnancies end up being miscarriages, sometimes occuring without the mother realising it. The body is somehow able to recognise severely defected genes and stop the pregnancy.

In the beginning of my own, I had worried myself out with so many possible outcomes. Perhaps I am a pessimistic, but I think I'm just being a realist. Some women will actually have a missed period and experience early pregnancy symptoms and even the UPT has turned out positive, but subsequent scans will show that the fetus has failed to develop, resulting in something we know as a blighted ovum. If the mother has not had bleeding, this is usually detected when the uterus has failed to progress size wise during antenatal check ups.

Even when the fetus has developed, at any stage of the pregnancy, can termination occur. Books say that once you are past the first trimester stage, the risk of abortion/miscarriage decrease significantly but I am still holding my breath as I have seen time and time again mothers at 15, even 17 weeks presenting with bleeding and subsequently abort.

Further on, there's the dangers of abnormally located placentas, premature labour, leaking your amniotic fluid, high blood pressure - and even if you manage to carry to term, then there's breech or abnormal lie, poor progress of labour and macam-macam lagilah!

Sigh. Worry wort me.

But, fear not, despite all that, I am keeping myself positive and taking each day as it comes. I never fail to be thankful for being able to go through this wonderful experience, whatever the outcome may be.

I'm entering week 15 tomorrow and I'm currently suffering from my first pregnancy related problems. I had travelled to KL to pay a visit to Ma. We had travelled the long way there, via Cameron Highlands but I guess the frequent stops had enabled me to stretch my legs. On the way back however, we had driven almost non stop for 5 and a half hours.

This morning, I had felt the beginnings of my discomfort but ignored it and went to work. The first part of the morning was clinic so I had mostly sat at the table. But the pain persisted, especially when I got up from the chair.

I went for a scan with my colleague and was relieved that baby is okay, in fact it was jumping happily all over the place, completely unaware of the pain I am going through. I got myself an MC and excused myself for the day. It still hurts (even more now) when I move, and even when I walk. It's like when you had pushed yourself doing sit ups and now your whole abdominal wall is sore when you laugh and try to get up from lying down? That's how it feels.

Anyhow, on my trip to KL, I broke one of the 'pantang larang's and bought myself my first baby stuff - a pair of mittens and booties and 2 caps - they were so cute and I couldn't resist myself! But I will behave and refrain from further purchases till much much later.

Mr What O'Clock

I'm sure many doctors have had encounters with patients (and their relatives) who seriously make you want to grab your hair and scream.

Seriously, I really do admire those in the service industry especially those working in the front lines of the hotel business or in shopping places like Jusco. When these people smile at you, do you ever wonder what they are really feeling/saying inside? Noting this, I always make a point not to make their lives more difficult unless they are really asking for it, like bringing me the wrong order or being rude. (and Yes, I do realise that I am working in a somewhat service business too)

Anyhow, just digressing a bit but I promise it will come to a point later - I pride myself in being able to speak English relatively well. Staying in the UK for 8 years helped too. Sometimes I find myself thinking in English and more often than not, I find myself stressing a point in English because the gist of what I am trying to say is usually lost when I say it in Malay. So, when Amani was bullied through and through for what she said a few years back, I kinda understood what she meant but pity the girl for being frank.

Anyhow, now that I'm working and living in the East Coast, I find myself speaking less and less English. Most times it's limited to giving presentations and speaking to foreign nationalities (which doesn't amount to much English anyway!) or when dealing with the so called 'educated' group.

Have you had an encounter when people used knowledge to intimidate or patronize? In some ways, over here, (I'm not sure if this happens anwhere else too) the language is used in that way.

For example, during one really busy afternoon in the casualty, I was sitting at the counter clerking a case when this lady came up and said "May I know who the doctor in charge is? My father has been waiting for a long time to get treatment." - I'm usually very 'selekehly' dressed during weekend calls and I guess relatives don't take me as a doctor. So, my MAs were silenced by this minah salleh celup and turned to me. So I said, "I would appreciate it very much if you leave your attitude outside, your father will be attended to when his time comes." The thing is, she spoke perfect malay henceforth!

Another example was when I was doing rounds with a specialist and was seeing a particularly ill case. She was an elderly nenek who is currently in deep coma due to a major stroke. So, we were still examining the lady when the girl accompanying the nenek said 'Kakak saya nak ckp dgn doktor." My specialist politely said she may call later as she hasn't finished reviewing the case. Yg I nak tergelak/marah pun ada, this girl kept shoving the mobile phone unto my specialist's face. So, my specialist got so pissed off, grabbed the phone and said "Boleh tak call kejap lagi, saya belum habis periksa pesakit lagi."

So five minutes later she called, and my specialist asked me to speak to this cucu. I spent a good two minutes explaining the nenek's condition and her poor prognosis and this girl kept asking me about transferring her nenek into ICU. I can tell that my specialist wasn't too pleased as she had already moved on to the next case and was waiting for me. So the next thing I know, the phone was in her hand and my specialist was speaking to this girl in English and one minute later everything was settled. My superior said, sometimes you have to speak in English to make people understand that you mean business.

So, anyway, Mr What O'Clock is a teacher (surprise, surprise) who came at the crack of dawn to bring his younger brother who had been involved in an accident home. My staff nurses were still passing their reports and I was the only one at the counter. Seriously, I wasn't rude to him or anything - it's just that it had been a long night and I was exhausted and people who know me know that my face is naturally sullen.

Mr What O'Clock must have taken to heart my attitude when I curtly said he could only see his brother for a while as it isn't visiting hours and the nurses are still passing their shift reports.

A few minutes later, he came to the counter and said to my nurse in his Northern slang "I want to know when doctor is going to come for morning round, I want to discuss with doctor, I want to bring my brother home back to Kedah. Can you tell me what time is doctor going to come?" At this point I had to cover my mouth to stop myself from laughing. My staff nurse pun satu, terkial2 nak jawab balik dlm English - when she said that rounds are done in the morning, cikgu pun dgn penuh confidentnya tanya "What o'clock doctor will come? Ten o'clock, okay?"

I burst out laughing after he left and chided my nurse for 'melayan' his ego trip. 'Bakpo tok ghoyak, eh, aku dok pehe la mu ghoyak gapo? Cubo kecek molek sikit..' [Kenapa tak ckp kat dia, eh, saya tak faham la awak kata apa? Cuba ckp elok2 sikit..]

I am NOT laughing at his broken/awful English but rather at his 'niat' of speaking it with us. He knew very well that there was nothing wrong with talking in Malay as my staff were 100% malay. So, apa niat dia sebenarnya? Nak show off?

I had several scathing replies, all in impeccable English to throw at him but realised that it wouldn't be worth my time and I'll probably regret it later on. If he felt better intimidating my staff nurse in front of me, so be it. But, I hope to god that you are not teaching English, wahai cikgu!

Moral of the shopping trip

Shopping trips with kids can be frustrating, annoying, hair tearing and down right disastrous, don't you think?

Having not yet had the pleasure of having my own, I'm not really sure how it applies to your own kids but bringing nieces and nephews can seriously be a mini nightmare.

Are kids manipulative or is it just me?


Things were fine and dandy until my youngest niece wanted an ice cream cone. I said we could get one when we get to the other store since we were already leaving. I'm a pretty easy going aunt; I don't remember ever wanting to go out with any of my aunts and uncles without (or even with, come to think about it!) my parents, but these kids readily go out with us, heck we even survived a trip to Cameron Highlands!

She then started to sulk. Not the lying-on-floor-wailing-lungs-out type but the silent and 180 degrees change of mood type of sulking. and the mood persisted even when Abg tried to coax her out of her sulk with a slurpee or the already promised ice cream. I was adamant that I wouldn't be manipulated by her. She can sulk all she wants for all I care.

But I felt ....unsettled, I guess. She made me feel like I'm the big bad witch who never buys anything, who says NO everytime. I was worried that she would tell on me and that her parents would think that I'm the type who would 'berkira' even when it comes to a RM1 ice cream cone. I tried to make myself feel better by telling myself that she's probably only like this when she's with us. Maybe it's our fault for spoiling her in the past and now she thinks that we will satisfy all her whims and fancy, regardless.

The incident made me think, though. About the type of parent I will be. Will I be the 'garang' one and will Abg be the relenting one? Will my kid end up hating me for the price of a RM1 ice cream cone or will I have raised her well enough for her to realise that her parents love her way beyond ice creams and branded toys and that knowledge and good manners are the more important things in life?

Anticipation

Kelantan people get a 4 day weekend starting tomorrow folks, and I'm one of the lucky few who has escaped being on call at all so 4 days of complete freedom! Wha-hey!

Been contemplating about where to go for the past few weeks; Kuantan is feeling too far and increasingly boring now, Langkawi seemed a nice option but I just cannot be bothered to get on a 2 hour ferry journey. Cameron Highlands became our final choice due to its distance (only an hour and a bit from Gua Musang) but I am preparing myself for the hoarde of Kelantan folks who will have thought the same thing I did. In fact, there is already a 4 car convoy leaving TM tomorrow for Cameron.

The accommodation has turned to be a mini nightmare though. None of the hotels I called had govt rates and the ones I wanted were full. I was thinking about one of the apartments but all of them needed online reservations which needed at least 24 hours prior to arrival. I finally found a phone number for Villa Dahlia and spoke to a Mr Lee who promised me an apartment without even asking me my name! Weird, yes? But I'm still optimistic and even if he turned out to be pulling my leg, I'm sure we could scurry around and find something else.

I'm bringing my nieces and nephew, by the way.

Sans their parents.

Yes. Seriously.

The younger two I'm not particularly worried about. I've been bringing them around for weekend trips to KB and seemed pretty comfortable with me. But the two older kids I'm rather concerned about. What if they become bored and regretted coming with us? What if the trip turned out to be a nightmare? What if, *gasp*, God forbid, something happens to the kids?

My only consolation is that it's only for a night and if things go well then maybe there will be other trips in the future.

Have a great weekend!

Hanging on, ranting on..

It's now just past 1 am and patients are still coming in droves. Yes, DROVES....don't you people sleep?

I'm basically running on adrenaline now. I'm at that stage when you've gone past your usual sleeping time and now you're basically no longer sleepy? The only thing that is keeping me going is the fact that I will be able to leave in about 7 hours.

I picked up another stray yesterday. I've been seeing it loitering around aimlessly near the labour room, all thin and scraggly and I knew it wouldn't survive if I don't do something.

Unfortunately Abg has gone for a fishing trip overnight and I'm left with the task of taking care of the new kid. Nasib baik he's (haven't really checked whether it's a he or otherwise) not the yowling type. So far he's been all quiet, sleeping in the litter tray.

Sometimes I really do not understand people. Firstly do they even understand the word KECEMASAN? A one week fever, a 10 day abscess DOES NOT constitute an emergency no matter how you look at it, okay?

Another thing is, I'm not sure whether this only happens in Kelantan or in other states as well, but do you people see parents lugging their 3-year-olds to the hospitals at 2 am? Hel-lo, kids need 10 hours of sleep, you know?

Right now in the casualty I have a 22-year-old male complaining of headache and stomach ache. He was brought by his oh-so-gedik fiancee who proceeded to clamour all over the guy the moment he was laid on the stretcher. Urgh. Excuse me, firstly, what are you doing with your fiance at 1 am in the morning? Ada maruah la sikit. And some more ada hati nak boss my staff nurse around. Hingus pun tak kering lagi, dah mengada2.

I said to my staff nurse at the labour room that my tahap kelaseran bertambah dgn my degree of exhaustion and also directly proportionate to the increasing late hour of the night. Which is why I am avoiding the gedik-tak-tau-malu couple because I regret my zing will be something I will regret later on.

I wonder if Abg has managed to catch anything, and more importanly, will he be expecting me to cook them?

Okay, I am no longer ranting now, more like rubbishing; and since the guy with the hypertensive crisis has agreed for admission, I hope he will be my last clerking tonight. Just another 6 hours to go......aaahhhh......

Doktor cina yg pakai tudung

Having been raised a Malay, my siblings and I don't pay particularly much attention to our obvious oriental features. But it's fun watching other people do.

When I was about 6 or 7, I had gotten lost while shopping at (now closed supermarket) Crescendo (or was it? or maybe Crescendo was that supermarket we could get 5 sweets for 10sen? Aah, those were the days) in Ipoh. Back in those times shopping is done in supermarkets rather than malls and typical to supermarkets in the 80s, the place we went was one of those places where you go in one direction up the stairs (i.e to the right) and down the same stairs in an anti clockwise direction. Guaranteed to never miss a floor! Anyway, I was engrossed in something on the wall and was saying something to the guy standing next to me, thinking that he was Pa. Imagine my surprise when he turned out to be a complete stranger! I don't remember crying though but I remember going up and down the stairs looking for Ma and Pa.

Finally a chinese couple noticed me wandering without much purpose and asked me questions. Ma had sent us to a chinese kindergarten and I could speak cantonese as well the next kid so what I said to the chinese couple must have made much sense that they decided to bring me with them!

The next thing I knew, Ma was screaming for me and proceeded to thank the chinese couple profusely.

As we grew up, people would always say to us, often in a surprised tone, 'Waa, lu melayu aa? Apasat muka selupa cina?' - usually in response to us saying 'Saya bukan cina'.

Sometimes, when I would go out with Ma, they would say 'Waa, apasal lu punya anak selupa cina?' Ma would just smile good naturedly and proceed with whatever business she was there for.

Sis Yanie is the least chinese-looking one among us and now whenever she is out with Hannah and Hariz, all sorts of strangers come up and say how chinese looking Hannah is. In fact, with her porcelain complexion (a nightmare with mosquito bites, shows up like anything!), one could even mistake her as a Japanese.

The thing is, when I look at my reflection in the mirror, or when I look at my siblings, I don't see what people are talking about! Weird, yes?

and wearing a tudung doesn't lessen it at all as when one of my staff nurses told me the other day that one patient described me as '...doktor cina tapi pakai tudung..' (hmm, ngumpat aku la tu)...

Snip Snip

Twice today I have caught Bubu trying to climb on top of his fellow (male) cats. First it was poor little Jimi; Bubu literally climbed on him and bit Jimi on the neck.

and just now Abg noticed Bubu doing the same thing with Fizzy.

Hmmm, me thinks it is time for that vet appointment.....

Crankier, sleepier, spicier and in all not so nice...

I've entered week 10 today.

Masih malas tahap gaban especially when it comes to housework. But the inch-thick accumulation of cat fur has forced me to at least mop the living area.

Feel hungry but have absolutely no appetite for anything. Nothing tastes nice, not even HTM's famed nasi ayam. I eat because I know I have to.

I've noticed myself getting crankier by the day. Dah la laser in the first place, now I'm even more laser. Sheesh. Even Abg has had to bear the brunt of my crankiness. Kesian dia.

At the moment I'm just loving anything with extremely hot chilli. One of my staff nurse in the OT brings a small case of chilli and leaves it in the pantry. I caught myself smearing chilli sambal on my doughnut, can you believe it? But it was one of the more delicious thing I had all week!

Anyhow, the 12th GE is now over. Yes, the outcome was definitely interesting, but, what happened afterwards in my kampung was even MORE interesting. You know how it is that in the big cities, no one knows their neighbours (well, bar my mum who befriends EVERYONE, even the makcik who is standing next to her choosing fish at the market) ? As bad as people think that is, in some ways, it is even worst when everyone knows who you are, where you work at, who your son is married to, how much money your children give every month and who is paying for the car that person just got and more importantly, what your political stand is. Seriously, one day, as we were driving to the house, Abg confidently pointed out each house and which party they supported. Interesting, yes?

Bumming out big time

I've been having bloggers's block lately - plus, nothing exciting is happening apart from work, coming home from work, feeling too exhausted to do anything but surf my regular blogs. Most times I just feel like bumming out in bed like Bubu in the pic above.

It's hard stopping myself from feeling excited about the impending new addition to the family. I keep telling myself that it's simply too early to get my knickers in a twist about. Actually being aware of the millions of things that could happen doesn't help either. I guess ignorance IS bliss sometimes.

I'm now entering week 8 and so far I haven't had any nausea or vomiting, touch wood. The extra sensitivity to odors is true, though and I can't eat as much as I usually can in one go. Meals have to be in smaller quantities but I'm finding myself to be feeling hungry more frequently. Haven't had any weird cravings though.

Dearest Abg have been taking over most of the housework, especially when it concerns the cat litter. Tahap kemalasan juga menjadi2.....the house is a complete wreck. They say most people phase out from the third month; for the house's and Abg's sake, I hope it's true....

Our birthdays and 4th wedding anniversary present rolled into one...

I was at the point of giving up.

It was becoming the source of many disagreements.

It was becoming the reason for my low self esteem.

People thought I didn't care but I cared very very much.


Strange isn't it how two lines can change your life.

Thank you Allah and those who prayed for us.

One of those days

I'm currently hooked on Scrabulous, one of the applications in FB. But playing is definitely not helped by the slowmyx's fragile connection at the mo.

Yesterday code blue was announced in my hospital.

I seriously think the worst time during the on call period is the 7am-8am period. That is when you don't really expect a disaster to happen and hope you might just have some time for a leisurely breakfast and coffee just for that pick-me-up before starting work.

A truckful of army personnels collided with a lorry early yesterday morning and soon afterwards, another car rammed straight into the whole mess. The MO on call announced a code blue but ye lah, time tu la org baru nak bertolak dari rumah etc etc.

There were no serious injuries - only one was referred to HRPZII and he was fully conscious, although in much pain. Most of them suffered minor wounds and only two suffered fractures. The civilian had a fractured wrist but she didn't need admission.

There was a minor broohaha when the boss came and was slightly miffed that she was not informed of the incident. The other MOs subsequently left me alone and she was asking me what the current status is and what nots. I didn't really mind finishing up the mess, after all it was manageable - no one is in need of resuscitation, it was only a matter of time before I will get the casualty cleared. But, just let me get my work done and pester someone else about the 'current status' please. She then later made an issue about how shoddy the 'pelan tindakan bencana' is and yada yada yada....gosh I hope she doesn't know about this blog.

As much as I love my work, this is my honest opinion. The big shots up there just love gathering returns, getting certification and accreditation and what nots. But if the right attitude isn't there, not even a mountain of paperwork can make things better.

Take the 'pelan tindakan bencana' - on paper it seems perfect, kan? Org ISO/Akreditasi dtg, you show your 'pelan' with pride, siap ada folder dgn label kertas berwarna, colour coded bagai. Come the real 'bencana', everything goes down the drain. Hello...a disaster happens and someone actually forgot to inform the boss? Huh?

Of course, I can almost anticipate the knee jerk reaction to all this fiasco. There will be meetings and more meetings and paperwork, with a brand spanking new folder perhaps and don't forget the briefings! But then, come the next 'bencana', the same old mess will re-emerge. Yes, I am THAT jaded and disillusioned.

On a lighter note, yesterday of all days was the day that I forget to bring my digicam. Later that afternoon, a psychiatric case was brought in and left nice little brown coloured globs on the floor of the casualty. As much as they smell, at least they were nicely formed globs that was easy to clean. Kesian kakak radicare yg kerja petang tu. Whoever said being a doctor is glamorous must not have had days like these.....

A new beginning..

No, these aren't mine - mine just want to run around all over the house and occasionally have a death wish of being stepped on by an obese lady...hahaha...

Went to a wedding today. I usually avoid the kampung style reception - mainly because they segregate the male and female, NOT that that is bad, it's just that I'm usually there with Abg and I don't really like eating and sitting with strangers. But today, it was not so formal, mainly due to the rain/drizzle I guess.

I love weddings. They give me a warm and fuzzy feeling inside. Something about embarking on a new and exciting phase of your life. About starting a life together, seeing things through another person's viewpoint.

I didn't feel that way about mine though. I was happy, yes; that the tears and headache coming up to the actual event is probably going to end soon, but I certainly wasn't looking forward to the 'being-the-centre-of-attention' bit. Urgh.

But anywho, to Aza and Aireene - Selamat Pengantin Baru and may you have lots of children and always have laughter in your lives.