Malisa loves Twilight

I had seen this book at the bookshops a few months before the movie was released. After Buffy and Angel, I thought, oh no not another one of those forbidden love between human and vampire rehash?! So, I dismissed it as another teen fantasy romance of which I am sure I am too mature and too old for.

Somehow, during one of my trips back home, I went out with my two brothers and we decided to watch this film.

and this so called mature, happily married, makcik mulut-laser-tak-hengat joined the bandwagon of I love Edward Cullen fan club.

Seriously.

Perhaps it was because I had absolutely no expectations towards the movie that I ended up with such a reaction. I remember while the credits were rolling and people were making their way out of the cinema, this girl sitting behind us shouted 'What a waste of ten dollars!' and I was thinking what? Did you not see the same Edward Cullen I did??!!

So I decided to get the book and see what the fuss was all about. I recall reading somewhere a book critic had labelled Meyer's book as self indulgent and I thought, surely something that bad can't have stayed on the NYT's best seller's list for so long.

Firstly, I didn't like Bella. To me she lacked personality. She has brought this gorgeous, Adonis like creature to his knees and I just can't see why apart from her smelling nice.

Secondly, you know this is total fantasy when Edward Cullen is protrayed as how he is. There is this line that he says in the book, when Bella asks him whether he finds her attractive in 'that' way and Edward says "I may be a monster but I am a man." A man who spends half of his time in anguish about his new found love and the other half TALKING about his feelings. Uh-huh. Someone build a robot of Edward Cullen and MAN (as in the gender) may actually cease to exist.

There is nothing as salivating as knowing that a man is in so much pain over wanting you; that the smell of your hair can easily tip him off the edge. I guess that was the winning formula the writer adhered to and hey, it worked.

Still, despite snippets of incredulousity, it was a good enough book for me to while away the time.

Oncall post

It's half two in the morning and yes I am oncall.

It has been one of those very very long day which started with one of our patients who was involved in a motor vehicle accident two days ago having altered level of consciousness. As a result, I had to endure a half hour of nauseating drive in the ambulance. Eurgh. Seriously, one would think the government could spend some extra money on really good suspensions on their ambulance. or build better roads.

Now my partner has gone off to escort a case of placenta previa type III who decided that it will start to bleed right at the moment I came into the ward to review a case of PV bleeding. It's just one of those days.

Nothing in particular

Just a collection of photos I've acquired along the way...


BERIK angin?


Little Ayes so thirsty - tapi masa nie tak pandai hisap straw pun....


A rerun - wonder what this shop is selling?


Myvi terbaru.


Dah habis - takde dah gambar.....

In passing...

We had a short weekend trip to Kuantan the other day.

I think I must be getting old. Before, a 5 hour drive to Kuantan seemed like 'kacang puteh'. We could even squeeze in a movie at night before driving back the next morning. Now, even when the prospect of spending the weekend somewhere else feels exciting, I have begun to dread recovering after the drive there. Macam la kita drive pun.

On the way back, we stopped for lunch at our favourite "Restoran Nasi Ulam" (I think lah, not too sure about this) in Kuala Berang. They only cook one dish the whole day - asam pedas - with all types of fresh water fish. There are the compulsory ulam with budu and they also have other side dishes too, should you prefer but these are small in quantity and are not on per order basis.



So anyway, as we parked our car in front of the shop, we noticed a whole bunch of high powered bikes there; mostly Harleys. The riders were sitting at three tables joined together - about 12-15 of them - men in their late 30s, early 40s age group. Men, that could easily be as comfortable in suits chairing meetings in air conditioned halls. They looked like successful, well-established-in-life type of men.



Normally I would just glance over and get on with my meal. But, sitting at one end of the table, was a figure who looked absolutely out of place. The girl was slight, and noticeably young. She was dressed inconspicuously in black; long sleeved shirt, loose fitting jeans and plain unadorned tudung. She wasn't wearing make up, which perhaps accentuated her youth. I'd say she's definitely in her early 20s.

She looked uncomfortable, only smiling politely in response to the jokes made by the group. Her partner was one of those male who have been treated generously by Mother Nature. Nice head of hair, albeit speckled with white and no trace of any belly.


I wondered why she was there.


Wouldn't you?

Kerenah anak-anak

Nama saya Verver. Saya dikutip semasa merayau di kantin hospital. Org buang kucing di hospital, ada pulak org yg mengutip dan membawa balik ke rumah. Bulu saya berbelang perak.



Nama saya Doremi aka Buta. Saya suka melompat ke atas meja komputer tapi tuan saya selalu meletakkan saya kembali ke atas lantai. Saya mengalami 'PR bleeding' (berdarah dari tempat buang air besar) tempohari yang sehingga kini tidak diketahui puncanya.



Nama saya Ciku. Saya diberi nama ini sebab bulu saya hitam dan tuan saya inginkan nama tiga serangkai untuk adik beradik saya. Saya sangat suka bergolek2 di atas katil tuan saya.



Nama saya Malisa. Kaki kanan depan saya bengkok kerana dipatahkan oleh budak2 jahat. Selepas itu saya telah diserahkan kepada tuan saya sekrg untuk dibela. Saya sangat suka makan dan melompat-lompat.

Firstly, I have to say....

...I love my work.

Though some of the times I just feel like tearing my hair out in exasperation at my staff nurses and their 'baju hijau's and 'baju biru's superiors, in general I enjoy it.

All things aside, I love being in the cool surroundings of the OT, listening to the gentle hum of the GA machine and getting about my work incising and drilling and debriding and suturing.

But lately, there has been an air of unpleasantness at work. I really can't divulge a lot of details as I know people from work read my blog (maybe it is time to go under and hide behind a little more anonymity?) but sometimes the politics just gets to me.

With the increasing work load, people are becoming calculative, each thinking one is doing more work than the next person. Some thinking that they have been treated unfairly by the higher powers and worst, the amount of back talking (I was tempted to say backstabbing but I don't think it has gotten THAT bad...yet) that has been going round.

Yeah, some days I am postcall and still at work at 7 pm. It has been two Tuesdays in a row when I have driven home way past dusk. Heck, at times it feels like I am a houseman all over again! But it isn't everyday when it is like that. There are times when I am just sitting around the clinic writing up my medical reports and waiting for cases to show up.

So, fair lah right?

I find it amusing that people only tend to remember the times when they were busy and then complain about the unfair distribution of MOs and yet have nothing to say when there are only 7 patients in the ward and no new admissions that day that you end up playing spider solitaire on the PC.

and I sometimes wish that some people would have more maturity and say out whatever it is that they are unhappy about in an open manner rather than moan about it left right and centre, but NOT directly to the person they have a problem with. Jangan la emosional sangat. Kerja itu ibadat, kan.

Pish.

Tak suka la kerja macam nie. Tak best tau.

Disclaimer: Post blog ini tidak ditujukan kepada orang tertentu. Ini hanyalah bebelan SECARA AM seorg MO yang hanya ingin melakukan operation sepanjang hari. Must be the nitrous oxide, hehe.

Tit for Tat?

I cannot believe what Abg has bought me for our 5th anniversary! Wait, since our birthdays and wedding anniversary are so near together, is this anniversary cum birthday gift or just anniversary gift? Either way, can I get another pressie for birthday?

Anyway, Abg came up just now and presented me with the gift and I was speechless. Speechless sebab tak sangka dpt hadiah sebab I didn't get him one! or rather I HAVEN'T YET got him one.

So now that he has gotten me THAT, does it mean that I now have to get him that thing that he wants but I was reluctant to get because it costs too much for something that he doesn't even use? I was saying to him that I shouldn't get him something that costs more than the one I am using, besides, he never uses the fancy-fancy stuff on it anyway but now that he has gotten me an expensive one, does it mean that he is now allowed to have an expensive one too? Hahahaha..... Sorry Yang, you know I love you and I don't need such an extravagant gift to know that the feeling is reciprocated, the fact that you have endured living with me for the past 5 years is sufficient but despite the speechlessness, I love the gift but of course I love you more!

Happy Anniversary Abg!

Tagged

Directions: Once you’ve been tagged, you have to write a blog/Facebook note with 16 random things, facts, habits or goals about you. At the end choose 16 people to be tagged, listing their names and why you chose them. Don’t forget to leave them a comment or tag them in your note to read this.

I don't usually do tags but cobwebs have been lurking in my blog and strangely I felt obliged to make an entry...so here goes...

1. I've been to India and Nepal. Ever since I was young, I've always had a fascination with India, hence when we were told to go anywhere for our elective period (end of fourth year, going into final year med school) - I chose India. I saved up my scholarship money and off I went with three friends. We were backpacking almost all the way; even went on overnight train journeys just to go sightseeing during the weekends when we had no ward rounds to go to.

2. I can play the piano. Ma forced me to take lessons and I had to practice for an hour a day while my sisters get to watch TV. I think I could have done better in my exams if I had a more inspiring teacher. I watched Jay Chou on YouTube the other day, man, can that guy play!

3. I used to have a pet ducky which I named Christina. I think I was about 7 and my parents brought home a pair of little ducks. We have a picture of us playing with them. I even wrote about them (mine was Christina and sis Yanie also had one, but I can't remember what she called hers) in my essay homework.

4. I used to be able to speak cantonese fluently when I was in kindy. I can still understand some phrases now.

5. I am half chinese.

6. I used to pronounce the name GEORGE as ge-or-ge, much to the amusement of my cousins. Thank god my English have vastly improved.

7. I hate people who spit in public or throw litter out of car windows. One of the few things I got my nieces and nephew (and their friends) to do was stop throwing litter out the window and into the rubbish bin.

8. I wish I have more patience. Word is getting round that I am nasty to staff nurses and ward sisters. Hel-lo, talk to me when your work is perfect, okay.

9. I love computer games. I think it is a great way to improve one's hand and eye co-ordination. Mario and Donkey Kong rocks!

10. I used to have thick, thigh length hair which I would braid. I cut my hair for the first time when I was 15 (Ma thought washing my hair would take time which could be used for studying, hehe) and I cried for a day.

11. I lived in Kuching for two years.

12. Despite staying in the UK for 6 years, I've never been and was not interested in going, to Paris. The only European country I went to was Netherlands, where we visited Amsterdam, Rotterdam and The Hague. Yes, everything they tell you about Amsterdam is TRUE. Hahaha.

13. I would love to return to India and see the Taj Mahal again. There are no words to describe the effect of seeing it for the first time. It is hard to comprehend how something so breathtaking can exist there. India is such a paradoxical country.

14. My Abg and I both snore. Which is why we probably never kept each other up with the noise. Haha.

15. I prefer sleeping in the prone position. Supposedly it's not very good but I rarely fall asleep in the supine position unless I am really really tired.

16. Abg told me to write this one - I always leave my towel lying on the bed or on the computer chair or on the floor but never on the drying rack where it is supposed to be on. But miraculously I would always find it on the towel rack all dry the next time I want to use it. Abg makes fun of it all the time but I always forget. I suppose that's what husbands are for. Hehe.

Aaah, dah abis.....TAMMAT.

Presenting....

....new additions to the family....


I'm a scruffy lil kitten, hear me ROAR!




P/S: Abg asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I said, I want to be able to quit my job.....in other words, I want you to make enough money for me to live a life of leisure (as a friend describes his other half) the rest of my life with you and our cats....can ah?

A dedication

This is especially for RKM who has a fascination with the full moon. Sorry you missed the thingy last week when the moon was supposed to be brighter than usual.....

An escape

I love hotels.

It must be a continuum of when we were younger, whenever we went for holidays, we would always look forward to having baths in the tubs. Back in those times, I remembered that most hotels we stayed in had bath tubs. Of course, shower cubicles are more practical and safer but there is just something about having a quiet undisturbed soak in a tub that spells bliss for me.

Even now, there's nothing more ideal than booking a night or two in a hotel room even though the hotel is just a mere 40km from the house. Ideal, because it doesn't entail a five hour drive, and because of the distance, Abg and I get to spend a nice relaxing morning enjoying the breakfast buffet and then maybe go for a leisurely morning shopping trip.

My friends thinks I'm nuts, but one of my favourite weekend thing is to just book a room at the Renaissance Hotel in KB and just laze around. I swear they have the best pillows. There are about 7 of them on the king sized plush bed and all are equally wonderful, sometimes I am just tempted to sneak one of the square shaped ones home.



This picture was taken at the lobby of the now infamous hotel of Batu Pahat, Hotel Katerina. Abg and I were having one of our roadtrips last year, or maybe it was the year before that, where we drove south and stayed at different locations every night.



I thought the lobby was a misrepresentation of the rooms; they were nowhere as nice as this staircase had me imagine, but it was comfortable and served its purpose.







These were taken from Equatorial Melaka. Tastefully decorated with a lot of wood furniture. I liked the tv cabinet and the view was awesome.





I think the views that you get from your hotel room play a huge part in how I choose where to stay too. These two pictures below were taken from Somerset Gateway, an apartment-type accommodation in Kuching. Forgot to take pictures of the apartment itself but loved the decor and cosiness of the whole set up.





Talking about views, if you're ever planning to stay in a hotel, finances permitting, the sea view will most likely be more pleasing to the eye than a garden or town view. Check out this fantastic sunset we got from the hotel we stayed in Kuala Perlis.



Lately there is a trend for no-frills or Boutech, as they sometimes call it, hotels. Travellers who are just looking for somewhere comfy to stay might look at these hotels as an alternative. When we went to KK in 2007, we stayed in Radius International, a no frills hotel located on a shopping mall and across another shopping mall. Bliss.


Tiny room, but worth the rate we paid. If you pull up the blinds in the bathroom, you can actually see right into the bedroom and of course vice versa.


Cool tv - barely 3 feet away from the end of the bed.


A little different, having orange on the wall, but it worked.


We spent about 10 minutes figuring out this shower contraption.

KK has to be one of our top holiday destination in Malaysia. While we were there, we rented a car and made our way to Kundasang, a small quiet highland town famed for the National Park and gorgeous views of Mount Kinabalu.





The rooms were basic, but comfy and clean. We had the pick of one of the nicest rooms there as we went during the non peak times. The quietness of the surroundings gave us an opportunity to really sit down and talk, something that sometimes Abg and I neglect to do in going through the routine of it all.



and with a view like this, need I even say more?

In Kelantan...

Outside Kelantan:

IKUT KIRI JIKA TIDAK MEMOTONG

In Kelantan:

LORONG KIRI HANYALAH UNTUK PERHIASAN SEMATA-MATA. IKUT LORONG KANAN JIKA ANDA MEMANDU 40KM/J DAN TIADA KERETA LAIN DI DEPAN MAHUPUN DI KIRI ANDA, DAN ABAIKAN KERETA DI BELAKANG ANDA YANG MENYALAKAN LAMPU KEPADA ANDA. IKUT LORONG KANAN JUGA JIKA ANDA INGIN MEMBUAT LENCONGAN KE KANAN 5 KILOMETER DI DEPAN SANA.

Which was why a silver Kenari can be seen overtaking SEVEN cars using the left hand lane earlier this evening.

p/s: I need to go on a diet. The trip to Langkawi last weekend certainly did not help.

Happy entry for a change....

A friend had commented that my postings of late have been of the miserable type. Maybe he is worried that people will get the impression that I have been leading a life of misery.

So I hope this entry will make him happy, hehe - and by the way, I did remember your 16th birthday, ol' friend.

I am on call by the way. Have been dreading this because I had a minor disagreement with the colleague whom I am supposed to be partnering with today, but he seems to be okay so I'm kinda relieved.

I will be on holiday starting from tomorrow, yippee! One of the best things about being us (me and Abg) is that we can decide one minute to pack up and go for a weekend break and we can be off before anyone says 'Holiday'.

We've been fretting about where to go. The last holiday we had was to Kota Kinabalu which was at the beginning of the year. KL doesn't count because it's considered as going home to see my family, but there was one time when we did go back but instead stayed for two days at a hotel in MidValley. I had Megamall overdose after two nights there.

I love hotels. There's just something about a freshly made bed and free toiletries that just makes me tingle. Yes, I am weird, I know. Some people escape with retail therapy and some go to the movies but I love to stay in hotels.

For this weekend break Abg and I will be heading off to Kuala Perlis for two nights. Apparently they have good 'ikan bakar' and other seafood delicacies there. That and a half day trip to Langkawi (been there three times since we got married, so no need for the touristy stuff this time) are the only things keeping me going this oncall.

It's been pretty quiet so I am still comprehensive. As far as experience has taught me, a quiet A&E at 10pm is like the eye of the storm. No sooner than I typed that sentence, an octogenarian with increasing lethargy has just been wheeled in.....sigh, back to work then.....

Sick MO on call rambling....

My body is burning up. My nose is blocked on alternate nostril and my chest feels like it's about to burst. When I cough, I feel like my head is going to explode.

and I have done something bad at the beginning of my oncall this morning, something which previously I have only said to myself but today came out verbally; I blame it on my URTI. Die la die la die la.....

Ah well, only 10 hours to go till the end of oncall. and hubby has gone 'berlarok' to N9 and I'm left alone with three cats with similar blocked nose and sneezing fits. As fat as he has become, I hope Fizzy can still fit through the opening in the window, or else have more sense to do his business in the toilet rather on my bed because I have left him locked inside the house and his eternal arch enemy, Meme has also run off somewhere and I just can't be bothered to go round 'Tsk Tsk Tsk'ing in order to find her. At the moment, they can fight to death, for all I care.

I've left enough food so I hope my kids have more sense than to tip the food container over and leave the kibbles to the ants and chickens.

I wish I haven't said that thing I said this morning...I wish I wish I wish......argh, 10 hours to go.......

My giddy 2 cents

Well well well - housemen all over the nation must be jumping for joy at this piece of news - Day off after 24 hour duty - and I am just waiting for the barrage of doctor bloggers who will definitely be airing their opinions on this. No need betting on what the housemen would say, lah, I think!

I do, however agree with Dr eAy-Lalle that hopefully this isn't just one of the so many knee-jerk responses that our politicians just love to give. Child dies after being hit by lorry on busy highway - build a pedestrian bridge! I remember one knee-jerk response a few years ago about lorries not allowed to be on the road during peak periods - whatever happened to that? Standard of english dropping - let's teach Science and Maths in English! What about more good quality english programmes on TV or lowering the price of english books?

In the hospital where I did my housemanship, there was one time when there were only 5 housemen in the department due to the poor coordination of posting rotation. Suppose there were 3 or maybe 4 wards, not including the peripheral patients in ICU or the first and second class wards - and at each time, 2 housemen would be oncall. If they were to get the day off, imagine the chaos this would cause.

I'm all for human rights and what nots - and I have had my share of nightmare oncalls and postings - but a drastic change like this isn't the answer.

Far from putting myself on a pedestal and awarding myself Houseman of the Year, I do find that some future doctors and current housemen lacking work ethics, integrity and inner strength. Perhaps they were pressured into doing Medicine by parents or simply because they were straight A students - I seriously think we Malaysians still have a conventional way of thinking when it comes to our children's future - but most of them ended up having the shock of their lives when faced with the work load. Perhaps made worst after comparing themselves with friends who end up with regular 9-5 jobs with a RM2500 starting salary and 4-month bonuses.

This is how I look at it. Ever seen those Karate Kid movies or those cantonese Kungfu movies like the Drunken Master starring Jacky Chan? Karate Kid had to wash cars and paint fences before he could learn to execute his one legged kick, right?

Yes, I suffered during my housemanship period and yes it was horrible and yes I have fallen asleep on the nurses' counter as I was clerking cases but no I never wanted to quit and yes I think it made me a better MO. and I think a lot of MOs look back to their housemanship and think, "Man, that was mad but I enjoyed it!"

and Yes, I thoroughly agree that the system needs a make over - AS A WHOLE - should we try the shift system as some hospitals overseas are doing? Maybe we should think about training phlebotomists to take over the tedious blood-taking work? (Sheesh, QID and sometimes 5 sessions perday of taking blood!?) Faster and paperless ways discharging patients? (Discharge summary, discharge notes, MC, medication slips and 'surat pengesahan menemani pesakit' and updating patient's TCA books and after ALL that, summaries for feedbacks to referring centres! I went through a pen a week!)

Times have changed - we don't need more speeches of "Oh, when I was houseman back in the 1940s I had to do EVERYTHING" translating as "Oh, I went through hell and so should you all - mwahahaha!".

Sense and nonsense on an oncall

Isn't it strange that I'm always in a writing mood when oncall? Perhaps it is the serenity of being by myself in the oncall room that is just so inspiring.

On some days, it really is calming to walk along the hospital's covered way, observing how relatives are glued to the windows talking in hushed voices as it is now way past visiting hours. When the beeps of the monitoring devices in the casualty and wards gets too overwhelming, a breather outside always helps.

But anyway, it is coming to the end of the year, and in February we will be celebrating our 5th anniversary. Has it been 5 years already? Sometimes 5 feels like merely a moment and at times, an eternity.

It is hard writing without going into specifics; there is a thin line between contemplating and gossiping/talking bad, when it comes to people close to you. There have been many times when I have started an entry, ready to launch into a full page rant about how badly I felt people were treating me or how people just won't understand me when I would stop halfway and save it, but never to be published. I guess an unpublished blog post can be therapeutical too.

I wonder what my long suffering husband is thinking as we approach this significant milestone. Is he happy I wonder, being married to an on/off harpy like me? Has he ever regretted taking the kadhi's hand and reciting the marriage vows to me five years ago? If he does, even for a fleeting second, I hope I have given him some happiness because I know he has given me loads. My Abg is the Yin to my Yang, the soothing effect on my temper, the calming balm to my razor sharp tongue.

Marriage is, to me, an acceptance. One must full heartedly accept the other's shortcomings before one can be truly happy. If there are so many things that you wish your partner to be, perhaps your partner is not the person that you should be with. But then, is there a difference between ACCEPTING and SETTLING? Ahh, what is life without the proverbial thin lines!

and of shortcomings, I know I have many. Sometimes, I hate me, if that makes any sense, but I know I haven't stopped trying. I think it is when people stop trying that problems occur. When people give up and don't think anything is worth fighting for, then you know that you are in trouble.

It is late, and I sense that I am no longer making sense so perhaps it is sensible to end this here for the moment...till the next on call, perhaps.

A decision made

Just a few days short of December, I received news that the transfer to HRPZII, which application I had handed in about a year and a half ago, has been granted. First it was just fleeting news via the grapevine and it became real when my senior MO informed me that the letter has arrived at the office.

I spent many nights thinking about it. If it was a year ago I would be jumping right now but things have changed from the time I was suffering in the OPD tolerating spoilt bohsias who would kick my door when I wouldn't sign the MC.

My mum would kill me if she read this, but I don't think I was ever the ambitious type. Many times I would wonder how on earth did I manage to pass medical school. I have asked myself repeatedly and even blogged about it; Have I become too content for my own good? - am I taking the cowardly way out? Am I choosing to remain here because I am quietly resisting change? As we all know, change is when something you don't want to happen, has happened (Haha, I just had a re-viewing of You've Got Mail - only the best internet romance movie ever made!).

What do I want for my future? I look at my specialists, and yes, they do get more pay but I don't see them happier than when they were MOs. Regardless of what or when or who, there will always be someone bigger than you giving you a hard time.

The report duty letter still sits in the glove compartment of my car. In fact, two weeks ago I was minutes away from stepping into the Pengarah's office when I chickened out. But the short break with Mum has helped me decide. Being in the district hospital will give me more flexibility in taking breaks and a better one-to-one teaching should I decide that I may want to pursue it academically afterall.

One can never say that he/she has made the right decision at the time they made it but one can always hope for the best.

Postcall ramblings

It is half six in the morning, I am in front of the PC, sipping chilled coffee from last night and contemplating my call.

It was one of those heavy, almost bizarre ones.

The A&E was pretty quiet. I received two referrals from a local clinic, only to discharge both. One of them ended up being referred again later that night after he developed cramps after a bout of loose stools.

About half 8 a case was brought in, initially unconscious then she became disorientated. She was bleeding from the right nostril and later from both. According to the daughter, she fainted and then started to talk rubbish before vomiting blood. Her case was one of those when you know you can't keep her here but you don't really know where to refer her to. I hate cases like those. Fortunately, a mate was oncall on the medical team that night and accepted the case without actually listening to the full story. I hope she did not end up regretting that.

and just when I thought I could get some shut eye at about 1, a case of BID (brought in dead) arrived. Apparently pakcik became restless after taking his meds and did not survive the journey here. Luckily, because it is a BID case, I didn't have to do much.

The labour room was highly 'jonah' that night. It started with case of term pregnancy who was just discharged from the ward the day before. My staff nurses was setting up the CTG (a method of fetal monitoring) when they couldn't find the heart beat. A quick ultrasound revealed no heart activity. The baby was perfect, normal and of good weight. I would have been crushed.

Then the cases just could not stop coming. For once, ALL the labour room rooms were occupied. I only managed to snatch 15 minute naps here and there between checking babies, clerking new cases and waiting for the 24 weeker to expire.

I think one of the hardest things about my job is the so called 'conservative managements'. It wasn't so bad when I was the houseman; decisions like that were made by MOs or the specialists. Maybe I felt I wasn't involved; I was just following instructions but as I progress in my career, I am now making the decisions.

A few weeks ago I wrote about an infant with severe congenital malformations, the worst being cordis ectopia (heart in an abnormal position) - in this case my baby had his heart beating outside his chest wall. Apart from that he also had other malformations.

I knew what had to be done but it doesn't make it any easier. How do you tell parents that you, the doctor, is just going to let the baby die? We can scoot around and use ambiguous words but the reality is just that.

I had to do the same thing to the 24 weeker that was delivered at 0240 this morning. Seeing people die doesn't make it any easier, I can tell you that.

So, as much as I like my job, sometimes I can hate it too.

A goodbye

My boss will be leaving next week.

He is the last of the first generation of specialists sent to HTM when we were first upgraded to a district hospital with specialists. First there were three - tiga hero yg ganteng2 semuanya - but Dr Nizam left for Kuantan and then Dr Hanafi left to pursue his subspecialty and now the last of them will be leaving us too.

He brought me into Orthopedics and made a specialty that was previously more like "Huh?" to "I totally get it now!" - and at the same time, 'rescued' me from life that was the OPD. I learnt to suture and wound debride and perform Ray's amputations.

I have been lucky that in the progress of my career, I have had the chance to pursue a little bit of every specialty - in Setiu I was able to practice antenatal scans and learnt to insert IUCDs - and now I can do minor operations without my hands shaking like a leaf..!

But anyway, I digress - he showed us that bosses don't have to be super strict to be heard; that a soft reprimand can be just as effective as a loud one. That it doesn't hurt to lessen the scolding with a laugh. Your subordinates will respect you nevertheless.

He is patient when he teaches and firm when he needs to be. He always wants the best for his patients, so no wonder they all love him so much and would wait for hours just to see him. You can see the twinkle in the makciks' eyes whenever he teases them and you know it's not just for show; and it's not just the makciks, even young teenage (and not so teenage) girls go blushing and hair-a-twirling when they speak to him.

The first thing he taught us was that, in order to be a good MO or specialist, the first and most important thing is your attitude - knowledge can always be garnered but if you're an ass, you will always be one. (The 'ass' word is mine though)

Good luck boss, you will be sorely missed.....

Nearly postcall ramblings

It's now about quarter past 6 in the morning. I have been up since quarter past 4 attending to a makcik with fluid overload. I admitted her last night after she complaint of fever and difficulty in breathing despite attending regular hemodialysis.

I had initially started her on antibiotics to treat the chest infection - but my staff nurse called me at about 4 informing me that her oxygen saturation was slowly decreasing. When I went up to see her (had to get up to review a case of PE anyway), she had the appearance of a typical fluid overload patient: sitting up, leaning against the cardiac table and having difficulty breathing and talking. Stayed for an hour stabilising her and now I can't sleep.

I hate that I am such a light sleeper when I am on call. I know that some people can just nod off after reviewing a case and wake up totally refreshed 2 hours later, ready to start work. Me, I am wide awake at 5 am and will turn into light headed zombie come noon.

I completed the book 'Ayat-Ayat Cinta' a few days ago. My interest in novels nowadays come and go. One moment I am engrossed in the latest Alaf 21 publications and will buy the books in container-loads, and the next I just couldn't care less.

A book has to capture my interest in, at most, the first 15 pages. If I can't be bothered to know what happens next, it's collecting dust on the shelf for you then. 'Ayat-Ayat Cinta' took some time and effort to get 'acclimatised' to. There were liberal use of Arabic phrases and Indonesian words which weren't really a hindrance thanks to the footnotes. But what interested me most was how the writer really made an effort to introduce the main character and build him up in such a way that made me feel I really knew Fahri in person.

A good writer will bring the reader into his world and this author certainly did this. I felt the scorching heat as Fahri made his way to his lessons and felt how refreshing the 'ashir mangga' as our hero drank it.

I fell in love, not with Fahri, unlike the four female characters in this book, but with Islam itself. The author protrayed Islam with such beauty, wisdom and grace. The 'dakwah's are subtle and never condascending nor patronizing.

The book speaks of love but not in the typical way - it transcends not just love between husband and wife (Aisha, I heart you!) but among Men and with Islam itself.

Haven't seen the movie but heard a lot of details were left out (as movie adaptions are wont to do) but will probably do that soon.

Anyhoo, pejam celik, on call post call, can you believe it's nearing the end of the year already!? Seriously, the phrase "Time flies" doesn't do the reality justice!

Itch II

I'm restless. I need something to focus my mind on - travelling plans (I luuuuuurrrrve making travelling plans - where to go, how to go, what to do), a beading project, a presentation, anything!

I may appear sedentary and stationary but my mind is racing everywhere and anywhere. I've just cleaned the toilet - siap scrub pintu ok! - and all hubby said was "Mandikan sapa (meaning which cat) semua basah2 nie?". Ada ke? I think only another woman or housewife can appreciate a newly scrubbed toilet, haha.

I've just heard that a colleague had a miscarriage recently. My heart goes out to her. My eyes still well up whenever I think about mine, now already half a year ago. At times, I find it hard to even believe that I once carried a life in me; perhaps that I had dreamt it all. Anyway, my wishes are with you, Z and hope you get well soon.

I'm still restless.

Maybe it's time to clean up my room.

Update paling boring

Fizzy in a contemplative mood.

I
Sis Yaya got engaged in a small but beautiful ceremony last weekend - yeay and a yippedooday - Ma can now calm down for a spell - she always gets herself in such a state when planning things like these.

II
Got back to three, nope make that four cagefuls of cats and kittens mewing hungrily and my stock of RC BabyCat which was supposed to last at least two more weeks, mysteriously depleted. Takkan ayam pandai bukak tudung tupperware kot?

One of my staffnurses at the clinic brought two kittens two weeks ago. They were about three weeks old and apparently mummy cat had refused to feed them. At first I was reluctant but how can I resist those grey round eyes?


One of the abandoned kitties.

Fortunately the mummy cat from Abg's Tok De's house who frequents our house had given birth a few days prior to that and only one of her kittens survived. I hoped she could help me, because if she rejected the poor kittens, then I would have to resort to bottle feeding them myself.

Imagine my surprise when she immediately licked them as if they were her own!

Animal nature will never cease to amaze me.

Abg, however, said that Tok De's cat has become so old that she can't even remember how many kittens she had in the beginning. Cheh.

III
Am currently attending a two-day course for Orthopedics in KB. There were a bunch of Ortho MOs from HKL there. Again I am struck by how different MOs in the east coast and their west coast counterparts are.

IV
Ceiling fan put putted into its last revolution on the day we arrived from KL. Rather than see our electricity bill rocketing from an all night use of the air conditioning, Abg went and bought a remote controlled ceiling fan.

Now we don't have to get up and flick the switch for the fan when the air cond switches off automatically in the middle of the night.

Ahhh, technology.....

Be like cats

Do you know what I love most about cats?

They don't dwell.

Cats don't have the ability to sit and mope and feel sorry for themselves. Have you noticed that? A cat maybe limping with a sprained joint or a broken bone, but do you see it just sitting there? No, a cat will limp away and get on with its life.

Doremon is one of the siblings whom I brought home from a bus stop in PC. When they first entered our lives, they were about three months old. Doremon was the smallest and had diarrhoea. But he held on and is now a big strapping cat.

He injured his left eye a few months back. I'm not sure what happened but one day he came back, his left eye swollen and had some bloody discharge. Now he has a cloudy eye. Have I ever seen him mope and lose his appetite and just sit there lamenting his luck? Nosirree. Doremon just went on and out running all over the place as if nothing had happened.

Meme is one of the many cats I have rescued from the hospital. When I first met Meme, she was ill and her ears were encrusted with skin infection. It took me about 2 weeks before I could bring Meme home, but I think she was destined to be part of my family.

Meme must have injured her right hindleg at some point. When she sits, her right leg goes out because she has lost the ability to bend it at the joint. When other cats sit with their hindlegs close together, Meme sits in an almost 'terkangkang' manner. But does Meme let that fact hinder her from chasing Che'Ruru and Che'lan all over the place? Noooo, of course not. In fact Meme is one of the fastest sprinter of the lot.

Last week we noticed that Butam had refused to put his right front leg on the ground. He must have sprained it while playing around in the cage. He wanted so much to run around with the other bigger cats but for a few days he could only hobble along on his three good legs. When he was in the cage, I saw him climb into the litter tray and then fell face first unto the sand because his front leg couldn't be used to get his balance.

Like any other cat lover, my heart went out to him but I don't think Butam was feeling sorry for himself.

I wish I could be more like cats.

Weeping..

I am oncall today. The wind is howling relentlessly outside the window. I can hear the raindrops spattering against the glass.

I think about the baby lying in the infant resuscitation room in the labour room downstairs and I begin to weep quietly inside as I have wept openly just now.

I wonder how the parents are doing. I am sure devastation is an understatement. To have waited for 9 months only to have your hopes and dreams shattered in an instant; I cannot even begin to imagine.

I wonder if the infant is feeling pain as he struggles for each breath, increasingly exhausted with every hour that passes.

People perceive doctors as life-savers, miracle-workers even, but the honest truth is we are just God's helpers and at times we are forced to make painful, life-changing decisions such as the one I just did on the little one downstairs whose heart is beating forcefully outside his chest.

The truth is we are just pawns in Mother Nature's game of life, and sometimes she can be a little bit cruel.

Bureng - 4/9/2008 - 22/10/2008

Mish Mash and everything thrown in

I
There is a quiet satisfaction seeing all of my Abg's work clothes lined up in the closet all ironed and nice and ready to wear. I've just realised that all his clothes are either tan, white or a shade of blue. Must do something about that.



II
Cats are getting a new furniture next week. Was browsing through the net when I found this:



Apparently it's a reject item from the online store and they are selling it cheap because it has a defect at the opening of the 'penthouse'. I think normally it would probably be selling about RM70-RM80 but I am getting it for less than RM45 plus postage! What a steal!

III
Cari.com.my has been redoing their forums and have been busy translating their board titles from English to Malay. Apparently "Preconception, Pregnancy and Postnatal" is "Pratanggapan, Kehamilan dan Post-Natal". They have translated "Repair and Troubleshooting" as "Baiki dan Pencarisilapan".

Hmm. Is PENCARISILAPAN a real word?

IV
Yesterday was masak-masak day. I dragged Abg to the nearest supermarket to get some ingredients and this was the result.

Puding Rainbow Blackmore

Ingredients:
26g of powder jelly. Apparently a pack is 13g. The alternative is one packet of 37.5 gram of stringy agar-agar.
8 medium sized eggs.
420g sugar. - The original recipe said this was too sweet so I reduced it to 400g but it was a little too 'tawar' to pass off as a desert so I say, stick to 420g.
130g butter
2 tablespoon custard powder
1 tin of evaporated milk (susu cair, of which Ideal is the most commonly seen brand) - I used the large tin
1350ml of water
1 tsp vanilla
2 tbsp cocoa powder - mix with some water to dilute
Food colouring.

First - boil the agar-agar with the water and sugar. If you think the agar2 is taking a long time to dissolve, don't worry, it will once the mixture has come to a boil. But if there's still some floating around, do sieve them out. Put aside.

Then mix the eggs, custard powder and milk in a bowl.

Add the egg mixture into the boiled agar-agar and bring to boil once more.

Add vanilla and butter. Make sure the butter has dissolved before turning off the heat.

Divide the mix into three. Add the cocoa into one. Put red and green colouring into the other two.

You must work relatively quickly from this point onwards as the agar-agar mix will start to harden.

Take a 9'x9' baking tray (about 3 inch deep) and place one side on a book or something so that it is lying on an incline. The layering is probably best illustrated by the following piccies, courtesy of MakLang from Cari.com.my.



I used coffee instead of cocoa and the extra sweetness would have been welcomed to counter the bitterness. But it turned out well and for once I now know the exact measurement of water to make my agar-agar!


This is my version.

Musings on a Friday afternoon...

Have you ever wondered that maybe you have chosen the wrong path in life?

Do you ever think that if you had chosen to be something other than what you are today, that maybe you might end up being brilliant at it, rather than just mediocre?

I know that what I am now is based on the choices I made in the past and that nothing I do now can change what has happened before, so I might as well make the best out of it.

I read once in the newspaper while I was studying overseas, about this guy who used to have a high flying job as a lawyer, (I think) or maybe he was a doctor. He made a drastic decision to quit his job and became, a cab driver. He swears that he is much happier now.

Apparently hunky yummy actor Gerard Butler used to be a lawyer but then if anyone is as hunky and yummy as Gerard Butler, I reckon he should be shared anyway.

But I digress - so, the past few days I have been sighing and wallowing in deep thoughts about what I should do with my life. Oh, for the freedom that unending supply of money would give you! I would quit my job and start a cat boarding business, perhaps.

Sigh.

Kitty update

Bureng at two weeks plus.

Bureng yesterday - during the rare times when she is able to sit still.







I love kittens at this stage. They are so curious and so - hoppity. They run all over the place chasing anything big that moves.

They are also learning to pounce and wrestle with each other and sometimes with the other bigger cats too!

Gone in three days

I went home post call on the second day of Raya greeted by a very sick Che'We. Che'We had been looking under the weather for the past fortnight already and nothing I do seems to be working. I am afterall, limited by the vet services in Kelantan. I hear vets in KL even take bloods for workup.

and on top of that, the black baby also looked a bit 'moyok'.

Che'We was abandoned at our house by Abg's kind cousin. I don't know, maybe she thought I had opened a cat shelter or something.


Che'We during healthier times.

Nevertheless, we took him in. He and Che'Mot became friends as they were the two youngest at that time. I had taken Che'Mot from the hospital's labour room a week or two prior to that.


Che'We and Che'Mot.

Che'Mot had always been the sickly type. Despite giving him the best food and supplements, he never looked well. His belly was always distended and once he got so sick we thought, sure die one lah - but he pulled through and even looked like he was going to live a long prosperous life.

But Che'Mot and Che'We never fully recovered from the flu that all my cats had after I brought Ruru home. They were constantly sniffling and sneezing green snot on the floor and in the cages.


Stokin.

About a week before their deaths, Stokin also became unwell. It didn't help that they were all unvaccinated at that time.


I took black kitty with his sibling and mummy cat from the hospital.

Anyway, Che'We went first. Abg actually thought he was sleeping by the dustbin.

The next morning I found the black kitty all cold on the floor of the cage. I called up the vet assistant and asked her if I could leave Che'Mot and Stokin at her place as I was leaving for KL. I knew Stokin will not last the day if left at home and I didn't want to give up just yet.

However, the next day I got a call saying Stokin had passed away during the night and when I arrived on Monday, she then told me that Che'Mot didn't survive also.

So, that's it - 4 kittens gone in a space of three days.

Knock knock..

Sometimes I think I would make a wonderful housewife.

Seriously.

At times when I am off from work, all I can think of is waking up early in the morning, prepare breakfast for Abg and when he is off, will get down to cleaning and what nots. I was still on leave today and had purposely returned home early as I was already imagining how greasy the kitchen floor is, how haphazardly-arranged my plates are and the smudginess of the glasstop of my dining table.

After arriving home yesterday, I got down to gathering my clothes to be washed and then straightening up the kitchen. The cage which had held my now dead kittens needed to be scrubbed with dettol. It is now sitting in a corner, a sad reminder of the short lives of my 4 kids.

This morning I woke up bright and early (how puzzling it is that I will always wait till the very last minute to wake up on a working day yet have no problem jumping out of bed on my day off?) and cooked fried rice for the hubby, folded the mats outside where the womenfolk were doing 'ketupats' pre Raya, brushed the cement floor and then mopped the living area. I actually took the trouble to move my three seater out of the way so I could mop UNDERNEATH it as opposed to just mopping around it.

My FIL actually had some freshly cooked rice and vege soup for lunch today. and as I am typing this, I am trying to decide whether I should be doing the ironing or make over the wet kitchen with the left over linoleum mats.

Yes, I know. I sound nuts.

But crazy as I sound, there is a satisfaction in seeing my house clean and my floors shining and smelling nice. When I go shopping, I am entranced by all the fancy floor cleaners and latest design of mops and high tech mopping cloth. I bought this mop recently and it has cut the amount of time I used to spend cleaning the kitchen area by half!

Lately I have been wondering if all the hassle at work is worth it. I am fast losing my already scanty faith in the human nature. I had mentioned to a friend recently that there must be something wrong with me that I tolerate my cats better than I tolerate human beings!

It used to be a niggling feeling only but it's been more persistant nowadays, this feeling that I am having. How how how laaaa....?

My Raya rant

It is official. People here are crazy.

You must be crazy if you waited for 5 days, even drove all the way from the north to the east coast with your child having fever and then came to our casualty along with all the other crazy people and decided to go home when the doctor have advised your child to be admitted and then, decided to come at 12 midnight for admission!

You must be crazy if your child is 10 days old and you claim she has been having fever for the past 10 days yet when we wanted to take some blood, you refused to do so.

You must be crazy if you kept an abscess for four days and then came on the one day when all other clinics are closed for the festivities.

You must be crazy if you have had a headache for 4 days and couldn't sleep yet you came on a public holiday requesting to be admitted.

You must be crazy if you have registered with 30 other patients and you expect to be called within the next 5 mins and when you weren't you kept pestering my staff 'lambat lagi ke?' - yes, we are having a food fest and warm baths inside here instead of running all over the place trying to resuscitate babies and setting lines. Some were even crazier so as to have the balls to come inside and CHECK if there are vacant beds and perhaps we were purposely making you wait.

The theme of the day was children with fever and abdominal pain with loose stool. Yes, if you have been fasting during the day for the past month and then decided that you will gorge yourself with all the variety of food possible, of course your stomach will protest! Aiyohh.....

It is now half 2 in the morning and finally all the crazy people have subsided. For the moment, that is.

Selamat Hari Raya everyone.

p/s: of course by this post I am not calling my patients crazy. It's just my feeble attempt at making light of the situation I am in. Deep down, I really do enjoy having them come after having one week of fever or three weeks of poor oral intake and being dry as Sahara. Seriously.