I am turning into the crazy cat lady

There must be something wrong with me that I like cats more than I like humans. Is it the control freak in me? It must be. With cats, I decide when they get out and when they get back in. After all, it is for your own good - I am the one crying my eyes out when one of you turn into roadkill pancake.

Humans lie and are manipulative and are driven by greed and a whole lot of other bad things. Cats just know that they are hungry and thirsty. Settle that and they will leave you alone.


However, all things cat aside, sometimes I wish I can be the me that I used to be about 8 years ago. The sweet, unassuming me. Who was always nice to patients and nurses. Who regarded all patients the same regardless of everything. How on earth did I become so judgemental and jaded?

Is the world really as bad as I think it to be?

My Silver Lining

Been feeling crap today but there is always a silver lining somewhere.

Giler is one of my earliest strays. We were buying fish at the small roadside stall in Pulai Chondong when I saw three kittens playing at the nearby bus stop. I waded through the long weeds and saw three gorgeous kittens chasing each other. One was black and white, then there was a tabby and another had white and marbled fur.


Giler masa kecik.

Giler is, as the name suggests - just insane. Whenever we would pick him up, he would nuzzle at your face and elbow and neck. He isn't friendly with the other cats and would almost always pick fights with Fizzy but as with all my kids, we love them all anyway.

So anyhow, Giler has been missing since about a month now. During the time when we had about 11 kittens, some of the adult cats were let out to roam so the cages can be used for the nursing mothers. When he didn't return, I thought the worst.

So imagine my reaction when Abg opened the door and said, Guess who came home today? - and it was Giler! and of course the nuzzling frenzy started almost immediately as I took him in my arms.


Lepas nie kena duduk dlm sangkar sebulan, ok!


This is an update of Tuah. Here he is right after we returned from Cheras. Practically a bag of bones.



and this is Tuah today! Look at how much his body has filled out.


Makan banyak-banyak biar jadi gemuk lagi tau.

Weekend sob fest

I am a sucker for sad sappy stories. Actually, no - I am a sucker for any emotional story. I cried when the Jamaican bobsled team won in Cool Runnings. I cried when Tristan's father who suffered from a stroke wrote 'Am Happy' on his small blackboard when his son returned in The Legends of the Fall. I cry at every episode of Grey's Anatomy in the sixth season.

Last night, I had the ultimate waterworks party. It wasn't merely a snivel or a sob here and there. I was practically bawling my eyes out. All because of a dog.

I remember seeing his statue in a picture Ma took when she was on her honeymoon. His loyalty was awe inspiring. You wonder at the bond between this dog and his master for it to wait every day for nine years after his master died.



The fact that the Akita they had playing the lead in the movie was so gorgeous didn't help (with the crying) either.

I wonder if any of my cats would do this for me?


Hm.


Probably not.

Saya suka kucing - Anda bagaimana?

Sedang merayau-rayau di alam siber, tiba-tiba terjumpa ini.


dari kucing terbiar dot com

Gambar anak2nya yang berkaki empat melompat-lompat di kawasan berumput hijau dan berpokok rendang buat saya cemburu. Saya juga mengidamkan sebegitu tapi sayang, anak-anak saya hanya dpt duduk di dalam sangkar dan dilepaskan petang apabila tuan mereka pulang dari kerja. Tetapi tidak bermakna anak-anak saya kurang kasih sayang. Makan minum terjaga rapi, bila sakit dibawa ke klinik.

Baru-baru ini saya bawa pulang seekor lagi anak kucing berwarna putih, bertelinga koko. Macam Che'Put masa dia masih anak dara. Sekarang Che'Put dah jadi ibu pada lima anak dan tak mungkin lagi beranak. Che'Put boleh hidup bahagia makan tidur main saja.

Saya dan Abg nak ke Kamdar bila tiba-tiba anak mengiau sambil terkedek-kedek berlari ke arah saya. Saya kutip dia dan saya pandang Abg. Abg kata "Takde tempat dah nak letak...." - tapi saya degil, lantas anak diletak di tempat duduk belakang kereta.

Saya beri nama dia Kamdar.

Anyway - Papa Meow memang seorang pencinta haiwan yang berdedikasi. Saya tabik beliau. Di dalam salah satu post di blognya, dia kata, dia selalu berdoa tidak berjumpa anak kucing terbiar apabila keluar berjalan-jalan. Saya juga selalu berfikir begitu. Sebab kalau sudah jumpa, kalau tidak dibawa balik, akan teringat-ingat sampai ke dalam mimpi. Selamatkah dia? Makankah dia? Ataupun sudah mati dilanggar keretakah dia? Isy. Susah macam nie.

Mungkin orang akan kata, dari kau belanja ribu-ribu untuk anak kucing, baik kau derma kat anak yatim. Tetapi itulah kuasa dan ketentuan Allah. DIA jadikan kita berbeza-beza pendapat serta haluan supaya akan ada juga segelintir yang mengambil berat tentang makhlukNYA yang berkaki empat.

Tuah sibuk berlari-lari di ruang TV. Saya panggil dia tetapi dia lebih seronok bermain dengan lipas yang baru ditangkapnya. Tuah semakin gemuk dan sudah pandai membuli anak-anak yang lebih kecil dari dia.

Hidup ini indah.

A musing

After a relatively heavy oncall, I woke up extra early, woke Abg up so that he could drive me to work and have breakfast together.

I was enjoying the aroma of freshly cooked rice and 'gulai ayam' when I saw something on my chicken which I initially thought was a fleck of spice or fried onion. Out of habit I flicked it unto the side of the plate and noticed that it had curiously insect-like legs. I looked at it closer and yes, I had a side order of mini cockroach.

I was thankful I hadn't shoved it into my mouth with the previous spoonful of rice but what do I do now? Even if I called the stall owner and showed it to her, she'd only replace it with the same gravy little roach had been cooking in. I then told myself, all those desperately hungry people in Pakistan would be killing each other for the plate of rice that I had in front of me right now. and afterall, you'd think the big pot of 'gulai' which had been boiling would probably have neutralized any toxins that the insect had.

Right?

Right?!

What would one do in a situation like this?

Choices choices

Having had to live at the FIL's house since getting married, I thought it was hightime we got our own home. Actually, 'hightime' was maybe about 2 years ago but nevertheless the dream home is now well underway and already I am imagining what and where and how of it all.

At the moment we've been scurrying around looking at kitchen cabinets and what it entails. Tiles or solid surface or granite? and solid wood or MDF or pine or 3G glass? I've been to a few shops and have asked hundreds of questions and still nowhere near to making a decision. and that's just the kitchen - there is also the bathrooms and the tiles and the walls. It's enough to make you tear your hair out.


This was about a month or so ago.



and this taken last week.

The Right Decision

This is Tuah [malay for lucky] and this is his story.

I found him lying by the side of my car at the hospital's car park. There had been an increase in the number of stray cats being abandoned at the hospital, I think even the Radicare has given up.

He was unusually quiet on the way home, just sitting there on the passenger seat, unfazed by the moving scenes as the car drove past.

He was skinny, with white patches on his chest and paws and had a kinky tail. The moment anyone would come close, he would be rubbing his head against your hands, attempting to purr but somehow falling short.

I noticed how indrawn his tummy was but attributed it to his undernourished state. His breathing looked strange - it was as if he was fighting to get the air in. Sometimes even his nostrils would flare. He looked hungry but would only eat a mouthful each time.

The local vet had said he had a respiratory infection and had given tablets for a flu. I tried giving it to him but failed miserably - on hindsight, it was probably a good thing.

So the little orange kitten made a 450km journey from Kelantan all the way to Cheras to see Dr Lum. Xrays showed that most of his intestines had been pushed into his lung cavity, thus causing him difficulty in breathing. He would need surgery but he might be too small to wake up from the anaesthesia.

I debated with myself and Abg - is it fair to let him go through the pain of an operation knowing there is a risk that he may not survive it? But if we were to refuse the op, would he be in a lot of pain in his final days? The vet had suggested a euthanasia injection but I couldn't even consider it. We may think we dominate this world but who are we really to decide when this kitten dies?

I almost called to cancel the operation but I felt uneasy. I knew money wouldn't be a problem though I am sure other people would call me insane behind my back. So I surfed the net and got other pet lovers' experiences and sought advice from another cat lover - she offered me encouragement and support no matter what I decided; her cat had once been in this situation so she was the ideal person to seek advice from. I thank you again from the bottom of my heart.

Tuah is now about one week post op and is doing miraculously well. He has a huge scar on his now fat belly but he is still very beautiful to us. Whenever we would keep him in the carrier, since we didn't want him jumping around and bursting his sutures, he would just sit there quietly, only mewing softly whenever he saw us walking near. I would let him on my bed and he would rub his head against my hands and my face. Before, I never saw him sleep because he would get breathless whenever his head is laid down but now he can. I would watch him sleep - his breathing now no longer laboured - and seeing him well gives me a warm fuzzy feeling inside.

He purrs now - loudly and continuously - is he saying thank you, I wonder?

I am glad it was the right decision.

Nonsensical ramblings

I wanted to write about my latest cat - Tuah - I've even got the story all written up but phone cables have been mercilessly ripped off their poles in my kampung and TM sees no urgency in replacing the lines. Mentang2 la takde VIP duduk kat sini. Cuba buat kat Damansara macam tu.....

Anyway, this means that my internet adventures have been limited to office hours - I've gotten myself one of those wireless broadband thingy and am now trying to use up my allocation before the end of the month.

I'm oncall. My first one of the fasting month. It's pretty quiet now; there is a case of a dead baby being found in a septic tank or something, I'm not much into details. The smell wafted quickly throughout the emergency room and stuck itself to your clothes and someone even vomited.

What desperation is it that drives us to do such cruelty? Was it fear that threw their sense of decency out the window? To think that one can get rid of it and expect to live a guiltless life?

I wonder about these things - even when my kittens have become too many for my cages and depleting my kibbles far too quickly than I would have liked, I still do not have the heart to throw them away. I keep thinking about how hungry or how cold they would be, how lost they would feel without their mother and it breaks my heart.

So, how can one do this to something that have been surviving in you for the past nine months? It puzzles me completely.

Maybe deep down I'm just a sentimental old fart.

Punch in the stomach

My patient died.

When I was doing my medical rotation, I used to have a blase attitude towards death - RVD cases were dying left right and centre in the medical wards, it was weird not to have to sign burial permits when I was oncall.

I've not had a patient die for a long time now; working in the district usually means that you ship off all your risky cases for the tertiary centre to manage. BID (brought in dead) cases are usually uncomplicated and straightforward.

Perhaps it was because I sat up all night taking care of this case - even telling my houseman to get some sleep because it would be stupid for both of us to be awake and if I left her to take care of the patient and something bad happened, it'd be on me anyway, and I wouldn't be able to sleep from worrying anyway, so I might as well be the one up.

Perhaps it was because I had gotten irritated because he kept asking for water (must have been the hypovolaemia) and we kept telling him that he can't. He was making jokes about how the blood transfusion was going poorly because we refused him his drink.

*sigh*

I keep replaying that night over and over and over in my mind trying to find where it is that I have gone wrong. Anything I could have done that could have prevented this. Yes, I have been told by my boss that injuries that he had, meant a very poor survival rate and that I shouldn't feel bad but I feel bad anyway.

Damn. One would think that one would get used to death after working for some time but once in a while it sure does hit you right in the stomach.

Exhaustion is...

...not sleeping the entire night baby sitting a case of crushed pelvis, pushing in 18 bags of blood products and being shouted at because he wanted to drink despite being told repeatedly why he can't.

Postcall one liner

Even after all these years, despite having receding hairlines and protruding bellies, they still slobber and drool after her, whom, unfairly, have remained as beautiful as she did back then.

Wishful thinking...

We have become such a selfish, self centred, materialistic, lazy society.

We think that just because some poor Majlis Bandaran worker is paid a salary to pick up our rubbish, that we are entitled to throw them anywhere we want.

Just outside the residential area I am renting, where I spend the night when I'm oncall (no oncall room for MOs that we have to resort to renting a place so we can rest and wash up - ridiculous) - there is this huge district council bin that they've placed so that people can put in their rubbish. This bin is then picked up by the lorry which replaces that bin with an empty one.

Everytime I pass by, despite the bin not even being half full, there would be a mound of rubbish on the ground for chickens and cats and dogs to rip apart and spread the foul smelling goodness around.

Why why why? Are you people so lazy to spend an extra ounce of effort to lift up your flabby biceps to get the rubbish INTO the bin rather than just laying them on the ground? Do you think that the Majlis Bandaran workers take extra pleasure in spending extra time to rake the rubbish off the ground after it has been scattered around by the animals?

In the compound of my hospital, there is a small but charming fish pond full of fat 'ikan keli's and a few kois and a couple of tortoises. Every morning when I pass by it on the way to the wards, there will definitely be at least one 'air kotak' floating calmly across the murky water.

By the seats of the covered way towards the wards, numerous plastic bags with now melted ice cubes, plastic cups covered with ants, orange peels and what nots. Once, I even came across a half eaten 'nasi bungkus'! This is despite having a bin just a couple of strides away.

I have had people throw out their car windows, a container of water (thank god I had my car windows wound up), rambutan and duku skins, a whole bagful of peanut shells.

Seriously lah! In a state where there is a majority of malays - you people are shameful and an embarrasment to the Islamic teaching! Does the Prophet (p.b.u.h) not teach us to be kind and considerate and above all be clean?

IKEA used to encourage customers of their cafes to clean up and place trays at the collecting area, so that they can minimise the cleaning staff, and reduce cost and keep their prices competitive. But noooo, Malaysians just had to be kiasu as usual and act high and mighty - I pay for the food what? Why should I clean up after myself? - so now even the cafe in IKEA is now filled with Bangladeshi workers when before there was none.

I still clean up my table and occasionally dump my tray of rubbish into the bin when I eat at fast food restaurants. I get weird stares but growing up looking like a chinese but in fact being a Malay has made me used to that. After eating at a restaurant, we'd always gather the bones and peels in one plate and stack them up so that the workers don't have to. In fact, we've even converted our spouses to do the same.

Tak patah tangannya pun kalau tolong kemas meja. Takkan patah kaki pun kalau pergi buang sampah kat tong sampah.

Once, I was in a Jusco store while on my holiday and I was reading the customers' comments that they like putting up around. One ignorant customer was moaning on how he/she had to carry all their groceries because she/he happened to be shopping on a No Plastic Bag Day. Jusco diplomatically said that this is their contribution in reducing the use of plastic bags and should a customer need so, plastic bags can be bought for a minimal fee. I say, GOOD FOR YOU JUSCO! - and don't you dare change your principles for the sake of a bunch of silly, selfish people. I brought my own bag and refused a bag from Watson's and they looked at me like I was mad (no such thing as No Plastic Bag Day here - unfortunately).

Can we change this old fashioned mentality of ours? It may take time but a sliver of me is still hoping for the best. For every stupid person who cuts the queue or throws rubbish out their car windows, perhaps there is one person who will teach their kids to line up patiently and clean up their mess after a picnic at the park. And that kid will hopefully teach their kids and so on that one day, perhaps we won't need so many Bangladeshi workers to stack up our plates after we've eaten our meatballs.

Perhaps. Perhaps.

Can you help them?

I don't listen to this particular radio station very much. They used to be quite good but things have gone south since about 2-3 years ago. Abg listens to it occasionally - don't ask me why - and would tell me things that he heard there.

So anyway, for some bizarre reason, the geniuses there have come up with a segment called "Can you help me?" - where they would call up people set up by friends, pretend to be some Western native and start a conversation in English.

Somehow, seeing people messing up the language, struggling to find the right words and putting a sensible sentence is something to be laughed about nowadays. The sound of the DJs laughing hysterically at someone's lack of grasp of the grammar is downright annoying and it puzzles me that anyone would find this particular segment funny. This time you people are really scraping the bottom of the barrel. and to think that this comes from the so called number 1 presenter in Malaysia?

Seriously lah - it is about time you people come up with a genuinely funny idea. Till then, give me JJ and Ean anytime.

The curse of the mobile

I was having my post call nap when I was woken by the shrill ring of my phone. I clambered out of bed, reached for it and looked at the display. It's the hospital.

Urgh.

Why is it that staff at the hospital think that just because I am reachable by dialling 10 numbers, that I would take the call?

Do you think I have nothing better to do?

Like for one instance, during a weekend when I unwisely picked up a call from the hospital, thinking that it MIGHT just be something important - and the nurse only wanted to ask me if she should remove the stitches on the patient's leg!

When I started to 'membebel', telling her off for disturbing me for something so trivial (after all, some patients turn up at the clinic with stitches STILL intact weeks after they were due to be removed - but that's another blog entry) - couldn't she have just asked the MO oncall? - she actually sounded 'merajuk' - as if I should be thankful for her!

So, now it's about an hour since the call came in and I am contemplating whether I should call the operator up and ask who tried to contact me in my post call daze. After all - it COULD be important.

On the other hand, it could be something silly and by not returning the call, I would be saving myself one telling off - I don't like telling my nurses off, despite what my reputation is amongst the nursing staff, you know.

Hmm - seriously lah....

Duit, do it...

My Abg teases me and say I love money more than I love him. I would deny it vehemently yet in a little corner of my heart, sometimes I think that is true.

Every week, I would log on to my internet banking account and check my account balance. Oncall allowance usually comes in about 2 weeks into the month, usually in with the medical report fees. Salary is usually 2 weeks after.

Al Hamdulillah, I've never found myself crossing off days on the calender waiting for the next pay day - but come salary day, I'd be jumping off the bed, switch on the PC and log on to my account. Seeing the increment in the balance would put me in a good mood the whole day. It's not much, but I know it allows me to spend things without wondering if I'd be able to survive till next pay. On top of that, it allows me to spend on my family without having to worry about credit card debts etc. Like getting a car with a driver while holidaying in Indonesia instead of relying on public transport. Or getting in Borobudur 'legally' - i.e. paying the tourist fees instead of trying to pass yourself off as a local - after all, they own it.

The secret - mainly because I've not much temptations over here. Shopping is limited to groceries and stuff for my furkids. Secondly, I personally think paying the 'zakat' helps increases your 'rezeki'.

But it is only money, I know. Money doesn't buy happiness but it sure does make life better.

and No, Abg, I do love you more than I love my bank account.

Somewhere, something

I've decided to go somewhere in life.

For the past 8 years, I've lived a life of a goal-less MO. I like what I do and despite being so exhausted at the end of some calls, I always find myself waking up and looking forward to go to work. I want to see what broken bones there are and how I can fix it. I want to see feet with abscesses and drain the pus away and make the patients feel better. Though I still do not enjoy telling patients that they need toes cut off, I actually savour the moment when the dead digits have been cut away, thus leaving the rest of the foot to heal.

I guess part of it is because I have a great colleague and an equally great boss and being in a small (albeit with specialist facilities) hospital means that I can at least still spend most lunch hours actually having lunch.

I remember watching my colleague plating a femur by himself for the first time and thinking, I want to do that too one day. I recall the day I had to do it on my own, how I was having palpitations and had to rely on my two MAs for traction before I could reduce the fracture site. Now everything comes automatically - skin, fascia, muscle, bone, screws, drain and skin again - that it feels like assembling a machine on a production line. I used to think 'Oh no not another femur, damn you silly teens and your motobikes!' but now it's 'Bring it on, I'll just fix you and throw you back into the water again'

I guess I'm kinda tired of coming home and living each day as I did the day before. Having holidays break up the routine a little bit but I'm getting itchy. I want a challenge! So, I have decided to do something with my life this year. Whether or not I will get the opportunity, I do not know but at least a few years on, I can't say that I haven't tried.

Who is the parent here?

Last weekend, a couple of scrawny 13 year olds was admitted to ward after sustaining a broken thigh bone each after getting involved in an accident.

One of them underwent an operating procedure to plate his thigh bone and was discharged this morning.

The other, who suffered an open fracture (meaning that there is a wound that communicates the environment with the insides of his thigh and the bone), underwent wound debridement and application of skeletal traction.

This morning, my boss was doing rounds and we were informed that the father wishes to bring his son home to see a traditional healer.

When asked why, the father said, "Because my son doesn't want to". He had no questions about what the chances are for healing or any risks of developing deformity - he is refusing the op because his scrawny 13 year old kid, who had no business riding a motorbike in the first place, doesn't want it.

No wonder I am living in a world where teens no longer have any respect for the elderlies.

Sometimes...

....I just want to grab Abg and my cats and live in a cave....

Cynical me

A baby was brought to our casualty one midnight - she was found lying on someone's porch. About a week later, another baby was admitted to our peadiatric ward after her stupid mother tried to flush her down the toilet.

Seriously.


How can I face the worst of human nature and still 'bersangka baik'? Can someone sprinkle some fairy dust and make the world better, please?

Heaven is.....

...sitting in an airconditioned room watching your cat chase a piece of lint.



How do you say "I'm sorry but we are letting your mother die" in any other way but that?

We had a patient who was admitted since about one month ago. She had been bed bound for the past 3 months and had developed massive ulcers over her buttocks. Any doctor would know, 'bed bound' - isn't a good thing to hear when it comes to actively resuscitating your patients.

We dressed her wounds, and at one point she seemed better. But she succumbed late last night, passing quietly in her sleep.

She started to deteriorate earlier that morning - and I knew what we were going to say to her isn't what I would want to hear from a doctor who is treating a member of my family.

You may lace it any way you want, but I know what I will understand is that you are giving up on that patient. You are saying that this patient's life isn't worth saving just because she is old, and she has gazillions of things wrong with her.

I find myself saying this to the patient's daughter, and I am reminded of how unfair life can be.