Loss

I had been spending the day decluttering - going through my drawers and mercilessly throwing things out. It's the only way to keep my home clutter-free; if I had not used it for the past year, out it goes.

So I found this CD and had put it on the laptop to see what was on it and found this already forgotten picture of my parents and grandparents.



We lost Tok Ayah last year - he had been bedridden for quite some time. It was a trying time for everyone but I suppose no one felt his loss more than his spouse for more than 60 years, my Tok.

We lost Tok recently. I hope she is at peace now.

Blessings

I consider myself as blessed. Other people might not think so. Some say I need to lose weight, others say my life isn't complete without a kid and previously, some think I should strive further than just be content with being a medical officer.

I AM happy. Sometimes I think I am too happy for my own good. I used to think again and again whether I am too content for my own good. I see friends achieving many things in their married life and career that once in a while regret will start to seep in and regret can be an evil evil thing, I personally think.

Regret can eat away at your soul and turn it the darkest of blacks and happiness may never drop by ever again.

Okay, I am being dramatic but surely life is too short for regrets. Afterall, no amount of regret can change what has been done, yes?

I don't want to be rich - though wealth is such a subjective matter. I just want to be comfortable and that means a roof over my head, an air conditioned room at nights and not scrutinizing the price of one brand of cereal over the other just to save a few cents.

When we started building our home, people loved asking how many rooms it has. I am surprised when many commented "Oh only three rooms? Why don't you build a house with more rooms?" - and more than one were actually disappointed by the size of it as they expected a couple of professionals like us to build mansions. The fact is, I don't NEED more than that, and the rooms that I do have is equivalent to two in your house anyway. As much as I love mopping the floor (in the Kuantan house, it seems like I am incessantly mopping the floor), I would like to maintain housekeeping at a manageable level and surely a small house would be easier to keep?

It used to be that people were concerned when we were not able to conceive after some time being married. I am lucky in the sense that to me, when they asked, it was with genuine sympathy rather than highlighting my 'defect' for the rest to see. I know now that some advice were in my best interest though perhaps at that time I was too preoccupied with my own insecurity to take it so.

Some say I should get help to get a child because Abg may leave me if I don't - and at times of dark depression and self doubt, I have given him the option to do so. But surely, my value as a woman doesn't lie solely on my ability to bear children? Would it be right for him to reject me as a wife just because of that one thing? Should Abg leave me because of this, then shouldn't it reflect badly on him as a person as well?

-and then what about those who have taken on a second wife despite having a beautiful, educated wife with many beautiful perfect kids? What are their excuses then?

More often than not, people like to see rezeki as having monetary value when in truth it is more than that - and it is amusingly so that people tend to label rezeki on things that they don't have rather than the things that they do.

No kids - takde rezeki lah tu.

Didn't get the job you want - takde rezeki lah tu.

So much so that people forget to see the rezeki that are so abundant around them - the ability to taste food, to be able to breathe easily, to sleep soundly at nights - getting home safely after a day's work, seeing your baby smile for the first time.

So, despite other people not seeing myself so, I believe that I am blessed.