Sunday, January 30, 2011


I have always noted how similar yet how different Abg and I are - and I sometimes note that the similarities that we have can be an annoyance. Imagine trying to handle another ME - I don't think that can be pleasant!

Sometimes I am amazed that we have lasted this long. My Ma never fails to point out to me that any other person would have left me a long time ago! Haha. Thanks for the vote of confidence, Ma.

Seriously though - when I look at us, I will be the first to admit that love (or rather Allah's choice of my jodoh) works in the strangest manner.

Occasionally, when the differences are the most obvious, I would tease him and say "This is what you get for not marrying a nice kampung girl!". I don't know whether he realises it or not but at times I really do think that is what he should have done.

I am not the most easily adaptable person on earth - I am happiest curled up in bed with a good book. When there is waiting involved, you would see my nose stuck in between pages of a book rather than staring into nothingness. I don't do small talk because I think people don't really want to know the answer, they just want to fill the awkward silence. I enjoy the company of a small dinner rather than a full blown party; maybe that's just the control freak in me.

Abg hasn't been to his company's Family Day for the past few years. He says it is because he doesn't like to go - but I secretly think it's because I don't want to. In the first year it's alright because everyone knows you've just recently married - but after a few years I am finding myself in an awkward place; he has his friends but I don't really mesh with the other wives because they will talk about the best brand of diapers or milk formula and how their kids are doing at school and what post school activities are best etc etc. Now he doesn't even ask if I want to go.

When there is a family event on his side, I feel awkward because I feel like an outsider in a sea of Kelantanese speaking females. I am tired of smiling when they exclaim in amusement that I don't eat or haven't tried a certain food.

Which is weird because people who know me will say that I can be pretty friendly. At times I can strike a conversation with a complete stranger, so I am not shy.

In the beginning I kept to myself because I was worried about the first impression that I may make. I felt that people expected Abg to marry a local girl and because I was not, I was determined to show that I am the best person for him so I acted like how I expect people expect me to act. After a while, people perceived my quietness as a reluctance to blend in and left me alone.

Abg tries to reassure me but I can see that this is holding him back.

Nowadays my life seems pretty monotonous. Even significant things that happen in my life, I perceive as being insignificant. Sometimes I think I go through my day to day activities like how a robot does.

Is this a rut that every one goes through once in a while in their lives? Should I be doing something or just let this phase pass by?

Sometimes I wish I don't have to even care.

Thursday, January 06, 2011


..when one has been cooped up in the room for so long that one believes there is no life better than what one has, a breath of fresh air is all it takes for one to yearn of a different life.

Deep huh?

Well, maybe not so deep. I'm just happy that I'm postcall and it is the weekend tomorrow. The house is slowly resembling a chicken coop and with the wet weather, sometimes even smelling like one.

They say a goldfish has a memory span of only three seconds (turns out this is a myth afterall) - sometimes I wish I had a short memory span. It will make my job extremely difficult though. Perhaps I could apply it to only certain patients and in certain cases only?

It is the most difficult thing to NOT immediately label a patient when you hear IVDU, or crime suspect. How does one ascertain that the altered conscious level is due to a head injury rather than just simply being intoxicated? Sometimes the proof is there right in front of you but bias can be a cruel haze.

The phonecall came this morning while I was seeing cases at the clinic. So I guess here goes nothing. I am not harbouring much hope but it sure will be good if I can.

Monday, January 03, 2011

Retail therapy melancholia

I have been feeling melancholic.

Maybe it is the new year, maybe it is the increasing age or maybe it's because of the new house, I don't know but life is starting to feel kinda empty.

Suddenly I am feeling that nothing should be a priority but this - that I should make this my number one mission for 2011 and apart from this, everything else is nothing.

or maybe it's just my PMS.

I have been on a shopping spree but am not feeling happy! Maybe retail therapy only works when one is buying frivilous stuff that you don't actually need. Haha.

Downlights, pendant lights, shower heads, shower hoses, two way taps, valves, kitchen sinks, wash basins, granite countertops, melamine cabinets, 3G, wallpapers, plaster ceilings, cornices, paint - bleurgh. If only I had the financial freedom to get someone else to do it for me.