Thursday, May 31, 2007

Sick of the sick....

Isn't that a sick thing for a doctor to say?


I think my work is poisoning me.

I used to look forward to coming to work and talking to my patients.

Lately, all I see are MC hungry opportunists and people who can't be bothered to take care of themselves but expect medications (which they don't even take properly) to sort everything out.

I have become sullen, unfriendly and curt because there are 300 patients to see and sometimes there is only me and the MA. and I feel terrible because I know I have become a terrible doctor and the worst thing is, I feel I am trapped here.

I feel helpless because sometimes I make decisions which are basically based on nothing - a trial and error of random medications that I hope would help with the symptoms and hope that it doesn't make it worse.

I had my migraine attack today. In fact, it started the day before when I had to escort an 800 grammer which was delivered at half 6 in the morning during my on call period. Dgn baju on call yang selebet and bau busuk tak mandi I went all the way to HRPZ II to hand over the case to the Peads Head of Dept who was in charge of NICU. Headache persisted the next morning as I started to see patients.

When the father of the patient suddenly shouted at the daughter, I was stupified. I had just inquired if the daughter could talk (hey, she could be 'bisu', kan? and then where would I be?). A moment later he was ranting about how unprofessional I am and how that I should leave my 'keserabutan' at home and not bring it to work. Hello, you are the one who suddenly shouted to your daughter and you are calling me serabut?????

and if I COULD leave work as you say I should have done, I would have, ok? and then where would that leave you?


Could I cite work related stress if I wanted to take unpaid leave? Because I am seriously considering this. I have become a bad doctor and I need to be inspired by my work again.


What kind of a doctor gets sick of the sick....?

Friday, May 25, 2007


..or is it past time or pasttime? Nah, betul lah tu. Lately my english and spelling has become rather rusty. It used to be if I were unsure of a word, I'd write all the version I thought it should be and be able to 'recognise' the correct spelling. Kira macam photographic memory gitu....tapi I think my memory card dah ada virus kot, dah tak efficient macam dulu. All from lack of reading lah I think.

Anywho, since last year I got hooked to this hobby. Now, I know I'm not the most creative; my most hated subject at school is 'Lukisan' and I can get by alright with specific instructions but if teacher says 'Bebas' - hmm, can't even bear to think about the stuff I came up with. As some people say, 'tangan keras' - sis Yanie is the most creative of us, she could always turn out nice handmade cards with swirly-swirly writings and caricatures. and don't even get me started on my sewing skills. It is limited to life and death situations, i.e. if it was between sewing or wishing I could die if my sarung or skirt was to fall to the floor from the torn hook or loose button.

That's why I love hanging out in internet forums - there's a myriad of stuff you can learn from there. In the Sewing, Knitting, Arts and Craft thread, you can learn about Ribbon Embroidery lah, Scrapbooking and crocheting and all sort of other stuff.

This is called the pyramid.

Lingkaran Kasih

Some flower-like design.

Something I did for someone else.

I don't recommend beadwork on a 'busy' background - tak menonjol.

These are all my handiwork. NOWHERE as gorgeous as the ones in the thread. Some nice forummer actually took step by step pictures of how to sew them on - ye lah, kejap kena pusing kot nie, then kena patah balik etc etc.

and do you know how much people are charging for a simple one layer design? Way too much, okay? Seriously, a skill is the best thing one can have. Right now I'm silently aspiring and practising to be good so that kalau rasa tension jadi doctor, can retire and be a tukang jahit manik. Hahahahaha.....

Feast your eyes on these, okay.....

Wonder how long this would take me to do...tapi cantik, kan?

Ideal for a small engagement ceremony.

Friday, May 18, 2007

How did I know..?

Someone asked me how I knew Abg was THE ONE the other day and I didn't have a ready answer at that time. Now, as I have pondered about it, I realise it's because it's not just one thing. It's a collection of things I observed and remembered about him during the course of our relationship.

I remember when he told me that on that night when he messaged me via ICQ, that he was so bored that he simply sent a message to a random person that caught his eye on the profile thingy. At first, I thought, wah, aku nie 'accident' je ke...but then I thought, that out of millions of people that he could have messaged, why did it end up to be me......hundreds and thousands of kilometres away in cold Belfast? and not only that, what were the chances that of all times I ignored other messages, that I felt compelled to reply to his?

I remember in the beginning he would send me forwarded emails that I would promptly ignore and I even later told him that I never bothered reading them so could he please stop? Our meetings in cyberspace at that time were mostly coincidental, mostly due to the time difference, I'm only online when he is about to go to bed and he never exhibited any interest to lay off his bedtime in order to chat with me. So, logik la kalau masa tu rasa macam dia tak berminat la kan...

I remember the things that he tells me but one which made me go 'awwww' was when he told me about being hit from behind by this car driven by this pakcik. He told me the pakcik looked so sorry that he told pakcik not to worry about the damage caused. When he admitted that he's never celebrated his birthday before, nor getting birthday presents, I promised myself that I will be that first person to do so. Later on, he would say that I am first in a lot of aspects in his life.....isn't that sweet?

I remember one day, we were chatting as usual, mostly about his work and my studies and other stuff when suddenly he said, 'I'm thinking about having a serious relationship with you'. Terkedu la jugak. Mind you, he still won't sleep late chatting despite having said that! :)

I remember arriving in my cold dorm room after a tiring 16 hour journey from KL to Belfast and had just sent him an SMS saying I had arrived. At that time I could send SMSes to him tapi not the other way round. I remember feeling so overjoyed when suddenly I received an SMS from him - kebetulan service providers had just recently allowed international SMSes. Selepas tu, melambung2 tinggi la perbelanjaan membayar phone credits....:)

I remember the day I realise that this man meant more to me than I ever let known when he nonchalantly told me about how his mother and elder sister wanted to set him up with this girl and antara sedar tak sedar I got so upset sampai nangis2 depan PC! Tak ke lawak....well, masa nie rasa lawak la...masa tu, rasa macam jantung turun ke kaki....! :)

I remember one time when we had one of our major disagreement and I implied that maybe we were better off seeing other people. He later told me, the next day he was so depressed that he couldn't concentrate during a meeting, which was even noted by the chairperson.

I remember, when I had started working, even after completing a 30 hour on call during my houseman days, the sight of him coming over for dinner completely rejuvenated me. He would listen patiently as I told him about the scoldings I had received, about feeling so tired I didn't have the energy to even eat and even just talking about it made it all feel a lot better.

I remember when I had to go back to KL, he would send me to the bus station and wait till the bus drove off before leaving. I remember the heaviness I felt in my heart as I left him.

and there are thousands more of "I remember"s over the past 5-6 years of us being together and all of those are part of the answer of how I knew whether Abg is THE ONE.

So, my answer is this, just it gut feeling, instinct, gerak hati, etc but only you will know....

Thursday, May 17, 2007

All good things...

...must come to an end......sigh.........and it's back to work next week. Ended up taking the whole week off as sis Yanti went into labour on the 14th and gave birth to a baby boy. Two boy cucus in the family now.....apparently they plan to name him shaquile.....weh, dah fikir masak2 ke belum tu weh??? :)

The beach at the hotel we stayed the first night.

I love hotel stuff!

The whole lot of stuff we bought. Shopping spree sakan!

Latest addition to the family.

Friday, May 11, 2007

A day of silver linings

I may groan and gripe about stuff but despite all that I love my job. and yesterday was proof that silver linings do exist.

I was in the OPD on my own (with one MA - when I was in Permaisuri, I had the luxury of 4 MAs, di manakah keadilan? What a silly distribution of resources!) and also covering the casualty, since Z has taken the day off. Silver lining: unlike the rest of the week, the casualty was eerily quiet and calm. Pelik betul. I had to assess two cases during the lunch hour (itupun after seeing all patients finally at 1.45pm) but they turned out to be fine. Afternoon cases was completed at 5 (itupun with the help of two JMs) and I then went to casualty to clerk in a case of jaundice. Tapi itu je lah.

I have been bursting my head about leaving work the whole week and during morning breakfast with my colleagues, it turns out that she won't be going to the course afterall. Lega. Silver lining number two. But I've decided to come back early from holiday anyway, as a number of MOs will be going for courses on Thursday.

Tapi yg pentingnya, I will be going off on my holiday today! Yeay, Langkawi, here I come!

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Dilema, delima

Tension sungguh. Nak bercuti makin tension ada la.

Abg kata I'm thinking too much about it. He said I should stop feeling kesian towards other people and start feeling kesian towards myself. (Or rather, kesian pada dia since he is the one who has to listen to me moan and gripe about how stressed I am at work)

It's just that, next week, I had applied for a whole week off. Abg has a two-day course in KL and some work in the SA office. Travelling takes 2 days already. So, dah lima hari dah tu.

The thing is, kak TJ will be away for the whole week doing admin meetings and what nots. The other OPD MO will be away on Sunday for a presentation. I don't think Z, who signed my leave form realised this when he agreed to be my 'pengganti'. He's away for a course at the moment and taking Thursday off. (Org lain senang je amik cuti tapi diri sendiri nak amik cuti kena pikir 4-5ratus kali)

One MO on a Sunday.....tension wooo. I think Z can be 'pulled' to work in OPD the whole day and hopefully one of the other MOs will come and help out. For the rest of the week, if he can help out in the mornings pun dah ok dah kot. Aaargh....tension!

Tapi I don't have any other free time next week. June will be busy, what with ISO Audit and all. Tambah pulak what with the school holidays, definitely MO lain berebut2 nak cuti-cuti Malaysia jugak.

Abg, being the typical male he is.....hehehe, jgn marah Abg....:) states it rather simply, whether you are there or not, work in the hospital will go on. Pepandai la MO yg ada tu cari org nak cover. Kalau nak pikir kesian, kekeringan la mati kerja tension tiap2 hari.

Sunday, May 06, 2007

Crossing fingers and toes

If my senior MO approves my week long holiday, this is where Abg and I will be this time on Friday.

Please please please please........if not, I know I will turn gila!

Saturday, May 05, 2007

Kesing invasion and my 'jonah'ness

I think I am gradually becoming more 'jonah'.


My calls are becoming more and more ridiculous each time. KKM doesn't pay me enough on call money la.

Anyhow, once in a while Tanah Merah gets invaded by these black bugs called 'kesing' - forgot to take pictures la, did I mention I was jonah last night? Hehe. They get EVERYWHERE and let out this pungent smell when squashed, which isn't really nice as they get all over and inevitably get stepped on.

I don't see 'kesing's outside Kelantan. My first experience with them was when I was a houseman in HKB. Last night there was a major invasion. These bugs were crawling up the wall, the glass doors and into cars. Euch. I really should have taken pictures but I was seriously too tired.

Last night's call was, in short, hell. Seriously. For the first time since my houseman days, I did not sleep a single wink. Not sleeping at all on a 24 hour call - NOT GOOD. Human rights association should really come here and fight for us doctors.

It has been busy since early morning and the previous day's MO was still in casualty. He'd just referred a case of septicaemic shock (which passed away on arrival) and in the middle of stabilising the internal bleeding case. On bed 2 was an asthma case which I proceeded to review.

In short, I had practically all possible emergency cases under the sun! From febrile fits (two cases at once at half three in the morning - have mercy on me!) to maggot infested abscess to fractures and appendicitis and snake bite and haemorrhagic stroke and head injury. Manala aku tak penat.

However, I'm delaying my nap this morning to gripe about t*****rs. What is about them that makes them feel that they are more superior than others? Is it because of the nature of their job, so called nurturing minds and what nots? A group of them came to my casualty last night. The patient is a head at a nearby s****l. He is unmarried, at a ripe old age of 53. Apparently he is a nice guy and all. He has been in my casualty since half five and it was nearing 11pm and MVA cases were coming in by the drove and I was desperate to figure out what was wrong with him so I could ship him off to where he should be. His blood sugar was on the high side and I wanted to test his pee. He had tried previously but then claimed had no urge. I wanted to catheterise him but despite insistence, totally refused - whimpering like a 5 year old kid.

I was tired, and I still had a long night ahead of me and I do not want to deal with this. I admit I might have raised my voice a little but if anything, it just proves that I am human. Only a non living thing would still be cheerful after working for more that 15 hours straight.

Later on my staff informed me that the patient expressed his displeasure with my unpleasant demeanour. Yang kelakarnya, a few of his colleagues actually went up to my nurse and asked her what my husband worked as and other personal question? Amenda korang nie....? Takde kerja lain ke nak buat nak busybody pasal hal peribadi aku?

I left him in the ward this morning, in the care of my freshly back from honeymoon colleague and hopefully she is in a clearer mind to find out what is wrong and what to do next.

After running up and down and across, at half four a patient in ward collapsed. He was well underway by the time I rushed to the ward. I still can't figure out the exact cause of death.

I'm getting dizzy now. Maybe I should get my sleep......zzzzzzzz

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

I'm IT...(again)

Hi Zaiti!!

Got back early this morning, post call. Very busy night it was, one MVA after another right up to the stroke of midnight. Originally planned to have lunch at SIL's house but am too tired, I said to Abg so he has left with FIL and yet here I am blogging! Haha, teruk tak I....

The MVAs weren't that bad apart from this 23 year old who actually did not sustain any fractures but she had bilateral ear bleeding and appeared drowsy. Vomited 3 times in the casualty and sorry to say this, the whiff of partially digested ikan pedas will forever stay in my mind! But the bilateral ear bleeding is the least of her problem, after a while she started to vomit out blood clots. Sent her off to HUSM with a pack of blood and my best prayers and hope the A&E MO won't find much about the quality to which I transported my patient to them. Lately they have been making a fuss about how poorly we KKM MOs are sending cases to them.

BTW, I digress, - let's finish this tag so I can take my shower and get some shut eye...hehe.

Name: Suriana
DOB: Feb 12th
Current status: Married and not taking it for granted
Eye color: Dark brown
Hair color: Black
Right of left handed: Right
Zodiac: Aquarius the water bearer

My heritage: Half malay and half chinese
My fear: Flying coackroaches, fast scuttling spiders and drowning
My weakness: Abg, my Ma, chocolates and my mother's sambal ikan bilis.
My perfect pizza: Ala, not much of a pizza fan - what with all the horrendous experience with pizza waiters.

Your first thought waking up: If it's a working day - waaa, morning already meh? i want to sleep some more! If it's the weekend - what? only 5 am? I'm already wide awake and raring to go, wakey-wakey people!!!
Your bedtime: I'm not a night owl - usually in bed by half ten, eleven.
My most missed memory: Ma and us howling in laughter while playing Pictionary.

Part 4 - YOUR PICK
Pepsi or coke: Neither - don't like carbonated drinks unless topped with ice cream and everyone knows floats are best with root beers!
McD or burger king: Ramli burger, a ringgit a piece!
Single or group dates: Depends on the situation
Adidas or nike: Doesn't really matter
Lipton Tea or Nestea: Depends - sweet Lipton Tea with a dash of lemon is divine on rainy nights with The Amazing Race on TV.
Chocolate or vanila: Chocolate, anytime!
Cappuccino or coffee: Not much of a coffee drinker lately - but okay la, cappucino.

Part 5 - DO YOU..
Smoke: Nope
Curse: Only when I'm in the car, driving and no one can hear me...hehe
(other tags have more to this tapi I'll just stick to Zaiti's)

Drank alcohol: Nope
Gone to the mall: Faithfully every Saturday when I'm not on call. It's the only thing keeping me sane, hahaha. Long live window shopping and retail therapy!
Been on stage: No
Eaten sushi: Can't stand the stuff - sorry, sushi lovers!
Dyed your hair: I wish I could but Abg won't let me.

1 minute ago: Typing 'sushi lovers'
1 hour ago: Reading Zaiti's blog
4 1/2 hours ago: Tying up work at the antenatal ward
1 month ago: Probably at work, wishing I could be home blogging...
1 year ago: At work, wishing I could be in KL, shopping. Aiya cannot remember la, my life is so boring! hahaha

I love: so many things in my life right now, I hope I don't forget to be thankful.
I hate: inconsiderate drivers, people who throw rubbish out of their car windows, colleagues who leave other colleagues in the lurch, people who are responsible for MANGGA (what a sorry excuse for an entertainment mag!)! Hahaha.
I feel: sleepy but I need to finish this tag.
I hide: my disdain/dislike towards people very poorly. I will never make it as a politician...
I miss: spending time with my family now that everyone has started to branch out with their own family and busy with work
I need: to finish this tag, log out and take that long overdue shower and get a nap!

I'm not really tagging most people I know have already done this...Okay la, tag Yaya la....she really needs to update her blog more often...!