Thursday, December 25, 2008

Sick MO on call rambling....

My body is burning up. My nose is blocked on alternate nostril and my chest feels like it's about to burst. When I cough, I feel like my head is going to explode.

and I have done something bad at the beginning of my oncall this morning, something which previously I have only said to myself but today came out verbally; I blame it on my URTI. Die la die la die la.....

Ah well, only 10 hours to go till the end of oncall. and hubby has gone 'berlarok' to N9 and I'm left alone with three cats with similar blocked nose and sneezing fits. As fat as he has become, I hope Fizzy can still fit through the opening in the window, or else have more sense to do his business in the toilet rather on my bed because I have left him locked inside the house and his eternal arch enemy, Meme has also run off somewhere and I just can't be bothered to go round 'Tsk Tsk Tsk'ing in order to find her. At the moment, they can fight to death, for all I care.

I've left enough food so I hope my kids have more sense than to tip the food container over and leave the kibbles to the ants and chickens.

I wish I haven't said that thing I said this morning...I wish I wish I wish......argh, 10 hours to go.......

Friday, December 19, 2008

My giddy 2 cents

Well well well - housemen all over the nation must be jumping for joy at this piece of news - Day off after 24 hour duty - and I am just waiting for the barrage of doctor bloggers who will definitely be airing their opinions on this. No need betting on what the housemen would say, lah, I think!

I do, however agree with Dr eAy-Lalle that hopefully this isn't just one of the so many knee-jerk responses that our politicians just love to give. Child dies after being hit by lorry on busy highway - build a pedestrian bridge! I remember one knee-jerk response a few years ago about lorries not allowed to be on the road during peak periods - whatever happened to that? Standard of english dropping - let's teach Science and Maths in English! What about more good quality english programmes on TV or lowering the price of english books?

In the hospital where I did my housemanship, there was one time when there were only 5 housemen in the department due to the poor coordination of posting rotation. Suppose there were 3 or maybe 4 wards, not including the peripheral patients in ICU or the first and second class wards - and at each time, 2 housemen would be oncall. If they were to get the day off, imagine the chaos this would cause.

I'm all for human rights and what nots - and I have had my share of nightmare oncalls and postings - but a drastic change like this isn't the answer.

Far from putting myself on a pedestal and awarding myself Houseman of the Year, I do find that some future doctors and current housemen lacking work ethics, integrity and inner strength. Perhaps they were pressured into doing Medicine by parents or simply because they were straight A students - I seriously think we Malaysians still have a conventional way of thinking when it comes to our children's future - but most of them ended up having the shock of their lives when faced with the work load. Perhaps made worst after comparing themselves with friends who end up with regular 9-5 jobs with a RM2500 starting salary and 4-month bonuses.

This is how I look at it. Ever seen those Karate Kid movies or those cantonese Kungfu movies like the Drunken Master starring Jacky Chan? Karate Kid had to wash cars and paint fences before he could learn to execute his one legged kick, right?

Yes, I suffered during my housemanship period and yes it was horrible and yes I have fallen asleep on the nurses' counter as I was clerking cases but no I never wanted to quit and yes I think it made me a better MO. and I think a lot of MOs look back to their housemanship and think, "Man, that was mad but I enjoyed it!"

and Yes, I thoroughly agree that the system needs a make over - AS A WHOLE - should we try the shift system as some hospitals overseas are doing? Maybe we should think about training phlebotomists to take over the tedious blood-taking work? (Sheesh, QID and sometimes 5 sessions perday of taking blood!?) Faster and paperless ways discharging patients? (Discharge summary, discharge notes, MC, medication slips and 'surat pengesahan menemani pesakit' and updating patient's TCA books and after ALL that, summaries for feedbacks to referring centres! I went through a pen a week!)

Times have changed - we don't need more speeches of "Oh, when I was houseman back in the 1940s I had to do EVERYTHING" translating as "Oh, I went through hell and so should you all - mwahahaha!".

Friday, December 12, 2008

Sense and nonsense on an oncall

Isn't it strange that I'm always in a writing mood when oncall? Perhaps it is the serenity of being by myself in the oncall room that is just so inspiring.

On some days, it really is calming to walk along the hospital's covered way, observing how relatives are glued to the windows talking in hushed voices as it is now way past visiting hours. When the beeps of the monitoring devices in the casualty and wards gets too overwhelming, a breather outside always helps.

But anyway, it is coming to the end of the year, and in February we will be celebrating our 5th anniversary. Has it been 5 years already? Sometimes 5 feels like merely a moment and at times, an eternity.

It is hard writing without going into specifics; there is a thin line between contemplating and gossiping/talking bad, when it comes to people close to you. There have been many times when I have started an entry, ready to launch into a full page rant about how badly I felt people were treating me or how people just won't understand me when I would stop halfway and save it, but never to be published. I guess an unpublished blog post can be therapeutical too.

I wonder what my long suffering husband is thinking as we approach this significant milestone. Is he happy I wonder, being married to an on/off harpy like me? Has he ever regretted taking the kadhi's hand and reciting the marriage vows to me five years ago? If he does, even for a fleeting second, I hope I have given him some happiness because I know he has given me loads. My Abg is the Yin to my Yang, the soothing effect on my temper, the calming balm to my razor sharp tongue.

Marriage is, to me, an acceptance. One must full heartedly accept the other's shortcomings before one can be truly happy. If there are so many things that you wish your partner to be, perhaps your partner is not the person that you should be with. But then, is there a difference between ACCEPTING and SETTLING? Ahh, what is life without the proverbial thin lines!

and of shortcomings, I know I have many. Sometimes, I hate me, if that makes any sense, but I know I haven't stopped trying. I think it is when people stop trying that problems occur. When people give up and don't think anything is worth fighting for, then you know that you are in trouble.

It is late, and I sense that I am no longer making sense so perhaps it is sensible to end this here for the moment...till the next on call, perhaps.

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

A decision made

Just a few days short of December, I received news that the transfer to HRPZII, which application I had handed in about a year and a half ago, has been granted. First it was just fleeting news via the grapevine and it became real when my senior MO informed me that the letter has arrived at the office.

I spent many nights thinking about it. If it was a year ago I would be jumping right now but things have changed from the time I was suffering in the OPD tolerating spoilt bohsias who would kick my door when I wouldn't sign the MC.

My mum would kill me if she read this, but I don't think I was ever the ambitious type. Many times I would wonder how on earth did I manage to pass medical school. I have asked myself repeatedly and even blogged about it; Have I become too content for my own good? - am I taking the cowardly way out? Am I choosing to remain here because I am quietly resisting change? As we all know, change is when something you don't want to happen, has happened (Haha, I just had a re-viewing of You've Got Mail - only the best internet romance movie ever made!).

What do I want for my future? I look at my specialists, and yes, they do get more pay but I don't see them happier than when they were MOs. Regardless of what or when or who, there will always be someone bigger than you giving you a hard time.

The report duty letter still sits in the glove compartment of my car. In fact, two weeks ago I was minutes away from stepping into the Pengarah's office when I chickened out. But the short break with Mum has helped me decide. Being in the district hospital will give me more flexibility in taking breaks and a better one-to-one teaching should I decide that I may want to pursue it academically afterall.

One can never say that he/she has made the right decision at the time they made it but one can always hope for the best.

Thursday, December 04, 2008

Postcall ramblings

It is half six in the morning, I am in front of the PC, sipping chilled coffee from last night and contemplating my call.

It was one of those heavy, almost bizarre ones.

The A&E was pretty quiet. I received two referrals from a local clinic, only to discharge both. One of them ended up being referred again later that night after he developed cramps after a bout of loose stools.

About half 8 a case was brought in, initially unconscious then she became disorientated. She was bleeding from the right nostril and later from both. According to the daughter, she fainted and then started to talk rubbish before vomiting blood. Her case was one of those when you know you can't keep her here but you don't really know where to refer her to. I hate cases like those. Fortunately, a mate was oncall on the medical team that night and accepted the case without actually listening to the full story. I hope she did not end up regretting that.

and just when I thought I could get some shut eye at about 1, a case of BID (brought in dead) arrived. Apparently pakcik became restless after taking his meds and did not survive the journey here. Luckily, because it is a BID case, I didn't have to do much.

The labour room was highly 'jonah' that night. It started with case of term pregnancy who was just discharged from the ward the day before. My staff nurses was setting up the CTG (a method of fetal monitoring) when they couldn't find the heart beat. A quick ultrasound revealed no heart activity. The baby was perfect, normal and of good weight. I would have been crushed.

Then the cases just could not stop coming. For once, ALL the labour room rooms were occupied. I only managed to snatch 15 minute naps here and there between checking babies, clerking new cases and waiting for the 24 weeker to expire.

I think one of the hardest things about my job is the so called 'conservative managements'. It wasn't so bad when I was the houseman; decisions like that were made by MOs or the specialists. Maybe I felt I wasn't involved; I was just following instructions but as I progress in my career, I am now making the decisions.

A few weeks ago I wrote about an infant with severe congenital malformations, the worst being cordis ectopia (heart in an abnormal position) - in this case my baby had his heart beating outside his chest wall. Apart from that he also had other malformations.

I knew what had to be done but it doesn't make it any easier. How do you tell parents that you, the doctor, is just going to let the baby die? We can scoot around and use ambiguous words but the reality is just that.

I had to do the same thing to the 24 weeker that was delivered at 0240 this morning. Seeing people die doesn't make it any easier, I can tell you that.

So, as much as I like my job, sometimes I can hate it too.

Friday, November 21, 2008

A goodbye

My boss will be leaving next week.

He is the last of the first generation of specialists sent to HTM when we were first upgraded to a district hospital with specialists. First there were three - tiga hero yg ganteng2 semuanya - but Dr Nizam left for Kuantan and then Dr Hanafi left to pursue his subspecialty and now the last of them will be leaving us too.

He brought me into Orthopedics and made a specialty that was previously more like "Huh?" to "I totally get it now!" - and at the same time, 'rescued' me from life that was the OPD. I learnt to suture and wound debride and perform Ray's amputations.

I have been lucky that in the progress of my career, I have had the chance to pursue a little bit of every specialty - in Setiu I was able to practice antenatal scans and learnt to insert IUCDs - and now I can do minor operations without my hands shaking like a leaf..!

But anyway, I digress - he showed us that bosses don't have to be super strict to be heard; that a soft reprimand can be just as effective as a loud one. That it doesn't hurt to lessen the scolding with a laugh. Your subordinates will respect you nevertheless.

He is patient when he teaches and firm when he needs to be. He always wants the best for his patients, so no wonder they all love him so much and would wait for hours just to see him. You can see the twinkle in the makciks' eyes whenever he teases them and you know it's not just for show; and it's not just the makciks, even young teenage (and not so teenage) girls go blushing and hair-a-twirling when they speak to him.

The first thing he taught us was that, in order to be a good MO or specialist, the first and most important thing is your attitude - knowledge can always be garnered but if you're an ass, you will always be one. (The 'ass' word is mine though)

Good luck boss, you will be sorely missed.....

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Nearly postcall ramblings

It's now about quarter past 6 in the morning. I have been up since quarter past 4 attending to a makcik with fluid overload. I admitted her last night after she complaint of fever and difficulty in breathing despite attending regular hemodialysis.

I had initially started her on antibiotics to treat the chest infection - but my staff nurse called me at about 4 informing me that her oxygen saturation was slowly decreasing. When I went up to see her (had to get up to review a case of PE anyway), she had the appearance of a typical fluid overload patient: sitting up, leaning against the cardiac table and having difficulty breathing and talking. Stayed for an hour stabilising her and now I can't sleep.

I hate that I am such a light sleeper when I am on call. I know that some people can just nod off after reviewing a case and wake up totally refreshed 2 hours later, ready to start work. Me, I am wide awake at 5 am and will turn into light headed zombie come noon.

I completed the book 'Ayat-Ayat Cinta' a few days ago. My interest in novels nowadays come and go. One moment I am engrossed in the latest Alaf 21 publications and will buy the books in container-loads, and the next I just couldn't care less.

A book has to capture my interest in, at most, the first 15 pages. If I can't be bothered to know what happens next, it's collecting dust on the shelf for you then. 'Ayat-Ayat Cinta' took some time and effort to get 'acclimatised' to. There were liberal use of Arabic phrases and Indonesian words which weren't really a hindrance thanks to the footnotes. But what interested me most was how the writer really made an effort to introduce the main character and build him up in such a way that made me feel I really knew Fahri in person.

A good writer will bring the reader into his world and this author certainly did this. I felt the scorching heat as Fahri made his way to his lessons and felt how refreshing the 'ashir mangga' as our hero drank it.

I fell in love, not with Fahri, unlike the four female characters in this book, but with Islam itself. The author protrayed Islam with such beauty, wisdom and grace. The 'dakwah's are subtle and never condascending nor patronizing.

The book speaks of love but not in the typical way - it transcends not just love between husband and wife (Aisha, I heart you!) but among Men and with Islam itself.

Haven't seen the movie but heard a lot of details were left out (as movie adaptions are wont to do) but will probably do that soon.

Anyhoo, pejam celik, on call post call, can you believe it's nearing the end of the year already!? Seriously, the phrase "Time flies" doesn't do the reality justice!

Friday, November 14, 2008

Itch II

I'm restless. I need something to focus my mind on - travelling plans (I luuuuuurrrrve making travelling plans - where to go, how to go, what to do), a beading project, a presentation, anything!

I may appear sedentary and stationary but my mind is racing everywhere and anywhere. I've just cleaned the toilet - siap scrub pintu ok! - and all hubby said was "Mandikan sapa (meaning which cat) semua basah2 nie?". Ada ke? I think only another woman or housewife can appreciate a newly scrubbed toilet, haha.

I've just heard that a colleague had a miscarriage recently. My heart goes out to her. My eyes still well up whenever I think about mine, now already half a year ago. At times, I find it hard to even believe that I once carried a life in me; perhaps that I had dreamt it all. Anyway, my wishes are with you, Z and hope you get well soon.

I'm still restless.

Maybe it's time to clean up my room.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Update paling boring

Fizzy in a contemplative mood.

Sis Yaya got engaged in a small but beautiful ceremony last weekend - yeay and a yippedooday - Ma can now calm down for a spell - she always gets herself in such a state when planning things like these.

Got back to three, nope make that four cagefuls of cats and kittens mewing hungrily and my stock of RC BabyCat which was supposed to last at least two more weeks, mysteriously depleted. Takkan ayam pandai bukak tudung tupperware kot?

One of my staffnurses at the clinic brought two kittens two weeks ago. They were about three weeks old and apparently mummy cat had refused to feed them. At first I was reluctant but how can I resist those grey round eyes?

One of the abandoned kitties.

Fortunately the mummy cat from Abg's Tok De's house who frequents our house had given birth a few days prior to that and only one of her kittens survived. I hoped she could help me, because if she rejected the poor kittens, then I would have to resort to bottle feeding them myself.

Imagine my surprise when she immediately licked them as if they were her own!

Animal nature will never cease to amaze me.

Abg, however, said that Tok De's cat has become so old that she can't even remember how many kittens she had in the beginning. Cheh.

Am currently attending a two-day course for Orthopedics in KB. There were a bunch of Ortho MOs from HKL there. Again I am struck by how different MOs in the east coast and their west coast counterparts are.

Ceiling fan put putted into its last revolution on the day we arrived from KL. Rather than see our electricity bill rocketing from an all night use of the air conditioning, Abg went and bought a remote controlled ceiling fan.

Now we don't have to get up and flick the switch for the fan when the air cond switches off automatically in the middle of the night.

Ahhh, technology.....

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Be like cats

Do you know what I love most about cats?

They don't dwell.

Cats don't have the ability to sit and mope and feel sorry for themselves. Have you noticed that? A cat maybe limping with a sprained joint or a broken bone, but do you see it just sitting there? No, a cat will limp away and get on with its life.

Doremon is one of the siblings whom I brought home from a bus stop in PC. When they first entered our lives, they were about three months old. Doremon was the smallest and had diarrhoea. But he held on and is now a big strapping cat.

He injured his left eye a few months back. I'm not sure what happened but one day he came back, his left eye swollen and had some bloody discharge. Now he has a cloudy eye. Have I ever seen him mope and lose his appetite and just sit there lamenting his luck? Nosirree. Doremon just went on and out running all over the place as if nothing had happened.

Meme is one of the many cats I have rescued from the hospital. When I first met Meme, she was ill and her ears were encrusted with skin infection. It took me about 2 weeks before I could bring Meme home, but I think she was destined to be part of my family.

Meme must have injured her right hindleg at some point. When she sits, her right leg goes out because she has lost the ability to bend it at the joint. When other cats sit with their hindlegs close together, Meme sits in an almost 'terkangkang' manner. But does Meme let that fact hinder her from chasing Che'Ruru and Che'lan all over the place? Noooo, of course not. In fact Meme is one of the fastest sprinter of the lot.

Last week we noticed that Butam had refused to put his right front leg on the ground. He must have sprained it while playing around in the cage. He wanted so much to run around with the other bigger cats but for a few days he could only hobble along on his three good legs. When he was in the cage, I saw him climb into the litter tray and then fell face first unto the sand because his front leg couldn't be used to get his balance.

Like any other cat lover, my heart went out to him but I don't think Butam was feeling sorry for himself.

I wish I could be more like cats.

Monday, October 27, 2008


I am oncall today. The wind is howling relentlessly outside the window. I can hear the raindrops spattering against the glass.

I think about the baby lying in the infant resuscitation room in the labour room downstairs and I begin to weep quietly inside as I have wept openly just now.

I wonder how the parents are doing. I am sure devastation is an understatement. To have waited for 9 months only to have your hopes and dreams shattered in an instant; I cannot even begin to imagine.

I wonder if the infant is feeling pain as he struggles for each breath, increasingly exhausted with every hour that passes.

People perceive doctors as life-savers, miracle-workers even, but the honest truth is we are just God's helpers and at times we are forced to make painful, life-changing decisions such as the one I just did on the little one downstairs whose heart is beating forcefully outside his chest.

The truth is we are just pawns in Mother Nature's game of life, and sometimes she can be a little bit cruel.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Bureng - 4/9/2008 - 22/10/2008

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Mish Mash and everything thrown in

There is a quiet satisfaction seeing all of my Abg's work clothes lined up in the closet all ironed and nice and ready to wear. I've just realised that all his clothes are either tan, white or a shade of blue. Must do something about that.

Cats are getting a new furniture next week. Was browsing through the net when I found this:

Apparently it's a reject item from the online store and they are selling it cheap because it has a defect at the opening of the 'penthouse'. I think normally it would probably be selling about RM70-RM80 but I am getting it for less than RM45 plus postage! What a steal!

III has been redoing their forums and have been busy translating their board titles from English to Malay. Apparently "Preconception, Pregnancy and Postnatal" is "Pratanggapan, Kehamilan dan Post-Natal". They have translated "Repair and Troubleshooting" as "Baiki dan Pencarisilapan".

Hmm. Is PENCARISILAPAN a real word?

Yesterday was masak-masak day. I dragged Abg to the nearest supermarket to get some ingredients and this was the result.

Puding Rainbow Blackmore

26g of powder jelly. Apparently a pack is 13g. The alternative is one packet of 37.5 gram of stringy agar-agar.
8 medium sized eggs.
420g sugar. - The original recipe said this was too sweet so I reduced it to 400g but it was a little too 'tawar' to pass off as a desert so I say, stick to 420g.
130g butter
2 tablespoon custard powder
1 tin of evaporated milk (susu cair, of which Ideal is the most commonly seen brand) - I used the large tin
1350ml of water
1 tsp vanilla
2 tbsp cocoa powder - mix with some water to dilute
Food colouring.

First - boil the agar-agar with the water and sugar. If you think the agar2 is taking a long time to dissolve, don't worry, it will once the mixture has come to a boil. But if there's still some floating around, do sieve them out. Put aside.

Then mix the eggs, custard powder and milk in a bowl.

Add the egg mixture into the boiled agar-agar and bring to boil once more.

Add vanilla and butter. Make sure the butter has dissolved before turning off the heat.

Divide the mix into three. Add the cocoa into one. Put red and green colouring into the other two.

You must work relatively quickly from this point onwards as the agar-agar mix will start to harden.

Take a 9'x9' baking tray (about 3 inch deep) and place one side on a book or something so that it is lying on an incline. The layering is probably best illustrated by the following piccies, courtesy of MakLang from

I used coffee instead of cocoa and the extra sweetness would have been welcomed to counter the bitterness. But it turned out well and for once I now know the exact measurement of water to make my agar-agar!

This is my version.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Musings on a Friday afternoon...

Have you ever wondered that maybe you have chosen the wrong path in life?

Do you ever think that if you had chosen to be something other than what you are today, that maybe you might end up being brilliant at it, rather than just mediocre?

I know that what I am now is based on the choices I made in the past and that nothing I do now can change what has happened before, so I might as well make the best out of it.

I read once in the newspaper while I was studying overseas, about this guy who used to have a high flying job as a lawyer, (I think) or maybe he was a doctor. He made a drastic decision to quit his job and became, a cab driver. He swears that he is much happier now.

Apparently hunky yummy actor Gerard Butler used to be a lawyer but then if anyone is as hunky and yummy as Gerard Butler, I reckon he should be shared anyway.

But I digress - so, the past few days I have been sighing and wallowing in deep thoughts about what I should do with my life. Oh, for the freedom that unending supply of money would give you! I would quit my job and start a cat boarding business, perhaps.


Kitty update

Bureng at two weeks plus.

Bureng yesterday - during the rare times when she is able to sit still.

I love kittens at this stage. They are so curious and so - hoppity. They run all over the place chasing anything big that moves.

They are also learning to pounce and wrestle with each other and sometimes with the other bigger cats too!

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Gone in three days

I went home post call on the second day of Raya greeted by a very sick Che'We. Che'We had been looking under the weather for the past fortnight already and nothing I do seems to be working. I am afterall, limited by the vet services in Kelantan. I hear vets in KL even take bloods for workup.

and on top of that, the black baby also looked a bit 'moyok'.

Che'We was abandoned at our house by Abg's kind cousin. I don't know, maybe she thought I had opened a cat shelter or something.

Che'We during healthier times.

Nevertheless, we took him in. He and Che'Mot became friends as they were the two youngest at that time. I had taken Che'Mot from the hospital's labour room a week or two prior to that.

Che'We and Che'Mot.

Che'Mot had always been the sickly type. Despite giving him the best food and supplements, he never looked well. His belly was always distended and once he got so sick we thought, sure die one lah - but he pulled through and even looked like he was going to live a long prosperous life.

But Che'Mot and Che'We never fully recovered from the flu that all my cats had after I brought Ruru home. They were constantly sniffling and sneezing green snot on the floor and in the cages.


About a week before their deaths, Stokin also became unwell. It didn't help that they were all unvaccinated at that time.

I took black kitty with his sibling and mummy cat from the hospital.

Anyway, Che'We went first. Abg actually thought he was sleeping by the dustbin.

The next morning I found the black kitty all cold on the floor of the cage. I called up the vet assistant and asked her if I could leave Che'Mot and Stokin at her place as I was leaving for KL. I knew Stokin will not last the day if left at home and I didn't want to give up just yet.

However, the next day I got a call saying Stokin had passed away during the night and when I arrived on Monday, she then told me that Che'Mot didn't survive also.

So, that's it - 4 kittens gone in a space of three days.

Knock knock..

Sometimes I think I would make a wonderful housewife.


At times when I am off from work, all I can think of is waking up early in the morning, prepare breakfast for Abg and when he is off, will get down to cleaning and what nots. I was still on leave today and had purposely returned home early as I was already imagining how greasy the kitchen floor is, how haphazardly-arranged my plates are and the smudginess of the glasstop of my dining table.

After arriving home yesterday, I got down to gathering my clothes to be washed and then straightening up the kitchen. The cage which had held my now dead kittens needed to be scrubbed with dettol. It is now sitting in a corner, a sad reminder of the short lives of my 4 kids.

This morning I woke up bright and early (how puzzling it is that I will always wait till the very last minute to wake up on a working day yet have no problem jumping out of bed on my day off?) and cooked fried rice for the hubby, folded the mats outside where the womenfolk were doing 'ketupats' pre Raya, brushed the cement floor and then mopped the living area. I actually took the trouble to move my three seater out of the way so I could mop UNDERNEATH it as opposed to just mopping around it.

My FIL actually had some freshly cooked rice and vege soup for lunch today. and as I am typing this, I am trying to decide whether I should be doing the ironing or make over the wet kitchen with the left over linoleum mats.

Yes, I know. I sound nuts.

But crazy as I sound, there is a satisfaction in seeing my house clean and my floors shining and smelling nice. When I go shopping, I am entranced by all the fancy floor cleaners and latest design of mops and high tech mopping cloth. I bought this mop recently and it has cut the amount of time I used to spend cleaning the kitchen area by half!

Lately I have been wondering if all the hassle at work is worth it. I am fast losing my already scanty faith in the human nature. I had mentioned to a friend recently that there must be something wrong with me that I tolerate my cats better than I tolerate human beings!

It used to be a niggling feeling only but it's been more persistant nowadays, this feeling that I am having. How how how laaaa....?

Thursday, October 02, 2008

My Raya rant

It is official. People here are crazy.

You must be crazy if you waited for 5 days, even drove all the way from the north to the east coast with your child having fever and then came to our casualty along with all the other crazy people and decided to go home when the doctor have advised your child to be admitted and then, decided to come at 12 midnight for admission!

You must be crazy if your child is 10 days old and you claim she has been having fever for the past 10 days yet when we wanted to take some blood, you refused to do so.

You must be crazy if you kept an abscess for four days and then came on the one day when all other clinics are closed for the festivities.

You must be crazy if you have had a headache for 4 days and couldn't sleep yet you came on a public holiday requesting to be admitted.

You must be crazy if you have registered with 30 other patients and you expect to be called within the next 5 mins and when you weren't you kept pestering my staff 'lambat lagi ke?' - yes, we are having a food fest and warm baths inside here instead of running all over the place trying to resuscitate babies and setting lines. Some were even crazier so as to have the balls to come inside and CHECK if there are vacant beds and perhaps we were purposely making you wait.

The theme of the day was children with fever and abdominal pain with loose stool. Yes, if you have been fasting during the day for the past month and then decided that you will gorge yourself with all the variety of food possible, of course your stomach will protest! Aiyohh.....

It is now half 2 in the morning and finally all the crazy people have subsided. For the moment, that is.

Selamat Hari Raya everyone.

p/s: of course by this post I am not calling my patients crazy. It's just my feeble attempt at making light of the situation I am in. Deep down, I really do enjoy having them come after having one week of fever or three weeks of poor oral intake and being dry as Sahara. Seriously.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Dearest Abg,

I've no doubt you will be reading this because when you think I am asleep, I see you reading my blog but somehow you will never say anything about the things I write. Consider this as part of my Raya gift for you this year. Though, I'm not really sure what the other part will consist of.

Thank you for wanting to spend the rest of your life with me. As you know, I am not an optimist and I do realise that other things may happen but as for now, for you to even decide 4 years+ ago that I am good enough for you to bear day in and day out is something I sometimes fail to comprehend. Heck, at times, I do not wish to be me!

Thank you for not minding when I am too lazy to iron your work clothes and too lazy to fold the mounting heap of laundry that you end up doing them instead. I know other husbands will give their wives a hard time but you do not. I do not take it for granted but daily I remind myself to do my best and berate myself often that my best isn't good enough. It is seriously tiring to come home post call and still be super wife and with this I salute those who do it (without BIBIK, okeyyyyy).

Thank you for putting up with my bordering-on-obsessive interest in rescuing every abandoned cat I see. When previously you might take a nap after coming home from work, now will have to be spent scooping clumps of poopoo and changing their water and kibbles. I love most sitting next to you watching the cats jump and run round around happily or when they brush their fur against our legs.

Thank you for never raising your voice to me no matter how exasperated you are with your wife's behaviour. I admit sometimes I go too far, wanting to test if your patience has any borders. So far it does not and I never want to see whether it has. Even when I get mad at you, it does not mean that I love you less.

Thank you for driving back to my parents house and never grumbling about it. Thank you for treating my siblings like your own when I have failed to do the same to yours. You know I do but I just show it poorly. Thank you for joining in our family activities and never once making it known that you're wishing you were back with your own.

Thank you for never making me feel bad about the way I look. I know I am not the most beautiful but you have never made me feel ugly.

Thank you for putting up my towel to dry everytime I am done with my shower. Thank you for warming up my car before I go to work. Thank you for ironing my tudung when I am running late. Thank you for all the small things that you do that you may not think is significant but it's these small things that I remember the most.

Thank you for being you.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Threatened Insanity

I think, one of my biggest fault is that I tend to speak before I weigh the pros and cons of what I am going to say. That, on top of my temper, is just a recipe for disaster.

Once a month, my oncall will be a 'jonah' one. I suppose I should be thankful that I'm not 'jonah' all the time, yes?

Last night was one of those. Cases keep trickling in till 3 am. When I have settled that, the labour room would be calling. It was one of those days when the cases aren't severely ill but warrants a careful review nonetheless.

One of the things that irks me the most is non emergency cases coming at ridiculous hours of the night. Take the case of menorrhagia who came in at 2 am last night. I had just returned to the casualty at 3 am after referring a case from the labour room for suspicious CTG and was looking forward to some shut eye. I asked my nurse why the patient in bed 2 had come in for? Imagine my dismay when she told me that she came in complaining of PV (per vaginal) bleeding since EIGHT days ago. The worst thing is, she has had this happen several times before and is undergoing follow up with the Gynae clinic.

Many a times I have chided my patients for keeping their diabetic foot for weeks before turning up at the casualty on a weekend and almost always near midnight. Or the case of end stage renal failure who would always default her appointment for readmission to ward and turn up severely short of breath due to the extra fluid in her lungs. Not to mention pakciks with swollen scrotum who had ignored his appointment to see the surgeon because he 'felt well' and turn up with abdominal pain and vomiting.


It is now half six in the morning and I am not looking forward to working without any sleep for the past 24 hours. But tis life and it shall go on. Ho hum.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Why..... it that usually sedentary humans, most of the time of the female species, feel compelled to make cookies when it comes to Hari Raya? Yours truly included, of course...

The new additions are thriving well. Poor mummy cat isn't feeling so happy though. She is now officially caged till the kittens are about a month old when she will be spayed.

I've lined them up for a family snapshot but the moment I reach for my digicam, ini yang jadi....

The cutest and most active of the gang.

Yes, I know I look adorable.

I'm racking my brains for names. Someone suggested, since they are offsprings of Bubu, why not give them names with "Bu" in them? I quite like this idea. For instance, the tortoise shell above, I could call her Bureng, perhaps, for 'celoreng'...

and this one, the black one, I could call Butam - for Bu + hiTAM.

The other yellow-white kitten I will most likely call Junior or maybe Buju (for Bubu = JUnior) but the last one requires some thinking over. Lil kitty has a short stump of a tail - ekor kontot, in malay. Does that mean I will now have to call it BuNTOT.....?

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Oncall ramblings

Everytime I start an oncall shift, whether it is the half day or the full day variety, there are certain taboos that I adhere to.

First I always imagine having the worst, the busiest and most jonah shift. In that way, if it does turn out to be that way, at least I have been prepared mentally.

Second, when I am still on my shift, I NEVER comment on how it is going. For instance, if Abg calls me up and asks, "Sibuk?" - I say "Tak mau ckp" (I don't want to say). A bit like not wanting to tempt fate. Ask me the next morning and I'll happily give a full report but never before the clock reaches 8.

It has been a hellish day so far. Even my partner has not been spared. Furthermore, an ill peadiatrics case that was supposed to be referred for close observation, had been misunderstood by me for 'close observation HERE'. As expected, the baby deteriorated. Trying to resuscitate a baby at 6 pm on a fasting day is not an experience I would like to repeat.

It's now just past 10pm and I finally get some time to sit. There is a stray kitten mewing outside and he is adorable! But Abg has finally put his foot down and said no. Abg is more a YES man so it is kinda nice when he says NO to me once in a while. But not too often, okay Yang.....hehe.

Ah well, 10 more hours to go.

Friday, September 12, 2008

A leisurely fasting afternoon....

We had the house to ourselves this afternoon.

We were told there was going to be an interruption in the electricity supply starting from 9 am and possibly till 6 in the evening. Thankfully, electricity was restored at about 11. I proceeded to give my kids' cages a good scrub and a mini make over.

When Abg returned from Friday prayers, he suggested we drive to Jerteh. Why, you may ask? Well, when I was working in Setiu, one of my staff nurses mentioned a certain stall in Jerteh selling 'ayam pusing' (I think they are known as ayam golek in the west coast) and the 'ayam pusing's sold here are supposedly so delicious and so popular that most of its patrons book their chickens early in the mornings and the chickens are usually sold out way before 5 pm.

True enough, the first time we went, we were disappointed as there were no more chickens left! and it was barely past 5pm.

But the first time we bit into its juicy flesh, we knew all the hype about them were justified. The spices are there just to tingle your tastebuds but not too overpowering. The flesh literally comes away from the skin and melts in your mouth.

It is with this memory lingering in my mind that we left home for our >50km journey to Jerteh, Terengganu. If you can't grasp the significance (or the ridiculousness, haha), imagine driving from Batu Caves to Putrajaya (on your day off) just to get hold of a chicken.

I love taking drives with Abg.

The stall sits almost unnoticeably under the Jerteh bridge. In fact, there are no other stalls there. When we first got to know about this, I think the fowls were selling for RM15 per chicken (already marginally more expensive than other 'ayam pusing's) and this year they were going for RM19 and RM20 per piece!

The best 'ayam pusing' ever.

After getting 'buka puasa' sorted out, we decided to take a leisurely drive to Kuala Besut and check out the fish market at Tok Bali.

View from the bridge somewhere in Pasir Puteh, I think. Haha.

View of the other side of the bridge.

They've built a proper market in Tok Bali. Right on the riverbanks. Actually, I wanted to take pictures of lithe young fishermen hauling in the day's catches but I guess a solitary cat wandering near the jetty will just have to make do.

Do click on piccies for better images.

Kitty update!

The mummy cat which I brought home from the hospital along with her two kittens (the black and the orange one) has given birth last week!

Last Thursday morning, we were preparing for sahur and lo and behold mummy cat had already completed delivering her 4 kittens.

Two of the kittens had similar colourings as Bubu (the daddy cat; Bubu your absence is missed daily...), one is a tortie and the other completely black.

Takde kerja lain melainkan makan dan tido.

Ini anak kucing ke apa nie...?? Hahaha...

Wrong way little kitty!!

Bubu junior

Other than that, the little white kitten which was the sole survivor of the three siblings has also passed away a few days ago.

Sadly, I was not able to save any of them.

Everytime a kitten I rescue dies, I want to make myself promise to never bring anymore home. When they are too little when they are separated from mummy cat, their bodies lack the natural immunity that the mummy milk provides so most of the time, they usually don't survive if they get an infection while awaiting their 2 month old vaccination. I try my best, but I am racked with guilt every time a kitten dies; it's as if I have failed them.

The other kitten I took from the hospital's canteen - we are calling her 'kurap tinger' for the moment - is also doing well. We call her that because when I first found her, both of her ear flaps were covered by scaly 'kurap'. I first met her while doing rounds and my first attempt at bringing her home was foiled when she ran away. I kept looking for her and she even turned up in one of the wards while I was doing my on call, but it was only about 2 weeks later that I picked her up as she was begging for food at the canteen.

Ever so sweet and manja.

She is lovely now - not a hint of 'kurap' on her ears, thanks to a jab we got at the vet - but still needs some fattening up. She is half the weight of my other cats. At first, the other cats gave her a hard time and shunned her, being the newbie but she seems to be doing better now. She still can't give up her life as a stray though - most of my cats don't wander too far from home even after being let out of the cages - and often would explore the surrounding territories and spend the night outside.

How many now, do I hear you ask? Nineteen, the last time I counted.......okay, will definitely stop now.......

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Nothing in particular

I am returning to work tomorrow after a week's break. Yup, a WEEK! Well, I had a course in IMR for two days but still, not working! Have been lepaking at home with Ma and starting a new beading project on sis Yaya's dress for the akad ceremony.

Missed my furkids and was glad to see the little one alive and well when we went to pick him up from boarding.

FYI, rescued three siblings from the hospital's car park two weeks ago. Barely a month old - who would be so heartless as to abandon such young kittens mummy-less. Kalau ye pun, tunggu la besar sikit. The two white-black kittens died despite me bringing them during my oncall just so that I might be able to feed them milk, so only the off-white little one is left. Though, I'm not really sure what colour he really is because of the badly infected fur. Not to mention his constantly wet backside from his diarrhoea.

Yet, I am optimistic. He is eating the softened kibbles well and is rather active. I tried putting him with the other small-ish kitten but he ended up being bulliedand scratched at. Sigh.

Spent the last day of the Merdeka weekend shifting the cats' cages to the back. Abg has roofed off the section at the back next to the wet kitchen. At least it won't be so hot during the mornings and the living area and the room in front wouldn't be getting whiffs of the peepee and poopoo of my kids. Best of all, I can open my window and check on them whenever I like.

As usual, spent a bomb in KL - mostly on cat food. Only bought one new handbag - and it's 70% off - I'm rather proud of myself.

and it's the first day of the fasting month tomorrow! Selamat berpuasa everyone!

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Each of my cat has a story...

and this is Jimi's.

Jimi is the only cat in my household that I didn't 'rescue'. The owner of the eating place that Abg frequents offered him to Abg. I still remember the day Abg brought Jimi home. Abg had just pulled into the parking area and I thought was taking a long time to come over. When I looked over, Abg beckoned at me excitedly and told me to look under the seat.

This fluffy ball of white fur was sitting there, so quietly and didn't make a sound as I pulled it out. I remember feeling so sorry for him, being taken away from his home and forced to live with strangers; instead of leaving him in the cage, I put him in a box in the room.

Imagine my surprise when in my sleep that night, I reached over in between my pillow and Abg's and felt something mushy. Safe to say, Jimi sleeps in the cage from that night onwards.

Jimi is the 'samseng' of the group; he is unafraid of anything. He would be the only one to nonchalantly walk out of the house compounds unto the road and once, jump unto the paddy field across the road. I still remember watching this white fur jumping in and out the green grass chasing grasshoppers.

I was in a cheery mood this morning as I walked into the vet. When the vet assistant told me the bad news, all I could focus on was seeing his unmoving body. He was already cold. I hope his passing was painless.

In a way, I could feel how ridiculous all this sounds, yet my furkids are like a part of the family. Each of my cats have their own personality and the loss of each one leaves a void that can never be replaced.

Rest in peace my little one. You will be missed.

Monday, August 18, 2008


My furkid Jimi has been knocked down and run over. He is now at the vet, being put on drip and awaiting for op tomorrow, that is, if the vet decides that his injury is worth being operated on.

He is pale as sheet, and refuses to eat nor drink and can only lift up his head to look at me when I call his name.

I cried at the vet as she showed me the extent of his injury and I cried as I left him and I am crying still.

Sunday, August 17, 2008


Have you ever hated the version of you that you have become? One moment you are loving everything, content with life and all that you have achieved, and gradually you are resenting everything?

Sometimes don't you just wish life is like a Magna Doodle/Etch-A-Sketch board that you can just erase with one swipe of its handle; letting you start fresh, hoping you won't make the same mistake again?

I'm not sure whether this is just a phase I am going through (if it's a phase, shouldn't it be temporary?) or if the previous me is totally gone, replaced by this super bitch that I feel I am now? I bite and growl at my nurses, I don't call up Ma to chat anymore (and I think she is 'merajuk' with me) and even Abg is not spared.

In short, if I were not me, I would HATE me.

Should I be relieved that at least I realise that there is something wrong and must change immediately? Is that my silver lining in this mess of muck that I currently feel like I'm swimming in?

I am looking for faults, something lacking in my life that is causing this but I'm not sure if I'm looking for one just so that I might justify my rotten behaviour or if I don't find one, I might have to resign to the fact that I am, just plain ...rotten?

Thursday, August 07, 2008

Apparently I am 'payoh bbaso'.....

I have been writing this blog with a lot more care lately that it has lost a lot of its anonymity. I know some of my work colleagues read it and it's even in the histories/cookies list in the PC at the casualty.

Work politics is a weird complicated thing. I try not to get my head too wrapped up in it. As far as I am concerned, my first duty is to my immediate boss and to my patients. and as far as I am aware, I have never considered myself to be 'difficult' and note the quote unquote as you and I both know, 'difficult' can mean a lot of things to different people.

Yes, I am Ms Laser Mouth and at times IDIOT is my favourite word but when it comes to colleagues asking for favours, I think I don't usually make a fuss about it. I DO though, have an issue helping out people who do. I mean, if you are going to go beating about the bush and making excuses, do you think other people will be accommodating to you? So, when I give you a taste of your own medicine, don't go running to mummy and moan about how 'payoh bbaso' I am.

Apparently, my boss has told me that Big Boss has informed him that it has come to her attention that I am 'payah bbaso' and doesn't help out other MOs. Okay, you tell me about when I cover for my other colleague who has no partner to cover for her. You tell me about any time when the MAs call me to review Ortho cases and I say no. You tell me about the time when I had stayed back late and ended up escorting a case to HRPZ when the 2nd call has already gone on an earlier trip. You tell me about the time when a colleague messaged me to cover for him and I had to endure multiple 'Why not..' questions from my boss on why his partner can't cover for him instead.

I am tempted to put up an open letter at the MO notice board and issue a challenge to any particular MO who have been whining about me and tell it to my face, that is if you have the balls lah....or else, Abg offered another tempting option: go to Big Boss and say, if you think I'm such a non team player and difficult to work with; I've already handed in my application for transfer A YEAR ago, why don't you just let me go and be rid of me?

Geram geram geram.

Hari Haru Biru

I don't usually expect Thursdays to be hectic or chaotic. Sundays, yes, but not Thursdays. On Thursdays, I expect to come for rounds, perhaps have one or maybe two cases of emergency OT and then go home at a reasonable hour. Though reasonable is a relative term in this case.

I was doing rounds at the female ward this morning and was just checking up on the indian girl who had plating to her tibia the day before. My colleague, the anaesth MO was also there when we suddenly noticed that a big group of student nurses were crowded around the next bed. Apparently the young girl had desaturated and was fast deteriorating. My anaesth colleague went to lend a hand and I proceeded with my rounds as my specialist had turned up.

We were supposed to have Ortho OT that morning as my boss wasn't around for the usual elective day. As the anaesth MO was busy intubating in the ward upstairs, the first case was called only after half ten. and even then, she discovered that the girl had a history of fainting and turning blue. I was like, OMG I hope this case doesn't get cancelled and called my boss and told him I'd be doing the finger refashioning case instead.

and THAT didn't turn out uneventful either, but still I managed to finish it and we proceeded with the elbow. As the anaesth MO was getting ready to administer spinal for the following case (a query open fracture of the tibial plateau), she received a call for a case of fetal distress. Wah lau, if things are not supposed to go smoothly then everything can go wrong. My boss immediately improvised and did the wound debridement and Steinman pin insertion under LA/sedation instead.

That done, I scrubbed in to assist with the caesarian section and still in my scrubs I rushed to the female ward to review the case of query hip septic arthritis, then left to do the discharges and apologize to the patient whose elective case had to be cancelled.

The day ended on a pleasant note though when two of my good colleagues and I (even though it was already nearly an hour after everyone else had gone home) had pulut durian courtesy of Kak Yah. Sedappp...

Busy as it was, I was sated. Not by durians; it was a good full day and despite the hiccups, things got done. and having friends to enjoy the end of the working week with you is one of the simple pleasures that everyone should experience.

and I am ending this post with warm fuzzy feeling because I have a major gripe to deal with in the next post.

Saturday, August 02, 2008

Busy bee

I don't often try out recipes I get off cookbooks or cooking shows. I always have this niggling doubt that the chef will never reveal his/her secrets and though convincing the 'umm's and the 'aah's can be, who's to tell really how delicious the food really is? Kan kan kan...

Anyway, I recently discovered that a friend of mine had started a blog since she's been in Auckland furthering her studies. Anyway, she posted a recipe called Tuna Rolls and it was so simple, I just have to give it a go. Besides, kalau tak jadi, I tau la mana nak cari tuannya...haha....

So, in honour of 'Those Moments...', here is my version of it...

2 small tins of tuna - tin of 185g each
3 tablespoonfuls of Mayonnaise

because I just lurrrrrrve onions and to me, making a tuna sandwich without chopped onions is a sin in my books, I added one and half of chopped yellow onions.

2 tablespoonfuls of corn kernels

Salt and ground pepper to taste

2 eggs - beaten
Cheese - to your heart's desire. I used Perfect Italiano's mixture of shredded Cheddar, Parmesan and Mozzarella.

Bread - basically I tried this recipe out using two types of bread: Hailam bread (the crustless white bread you typically find in Kopitiams) and the usual sliced bread.

My verdict, both are equally usable; the Hailam bread is longer but narrower so your rolls will be more of the petite size. Point to note though is Hailam bread becomes stiff if left in the open so only take them out when you are ready to lay out the filling and roll it up.

Mix up the tuna, corn kernels, onions, mayo and seasoning. Butter or margarine up your bread. Place about a teaspoonful or two of fillings on bread and roll it up. Seal the ends with egg and lay your rolls on a baking tray.

Just before putting them in the oven, (pre heated at 180 celcius), I gave the rolls an eggwash and scattered cheese generously.

They should be ready after about 15 mins. But of course, this depends on how you like your cheese topping, but in general 15 mins should be okay.

Best eaten fresh from the oven while the bread is still crispy.

The top 4 are the ones made with Hailam bread, the middle with normal sliced bread but rolled diagonally, basically for experimentation purposes and the bottom row is the rolled up sliced bread.

Abg loved it; definitely a keeper this one.

Thank you Zaa, keep them coming okay?

Not feeling so great

I am the most terrible person in the world.

Last week, Abg's cousin came back for a week's trip back home. She lives down south (of Malaysia la) and I guess trips back up to the East Coast can be pretty taxing for a family with three young kids.

She recently got a new baby, you see, and a boy at that. The thing is, out of Abg's many cousins, I quite like this one. But I just couldn't bring myself to see her. I want to be happy for her, but seeing those ten little toes and little fingers will just remind me of the thing I lost.

I thought I was okay. Afterall, it has been 3 months now but I guess I thought wrong.


Now I keep returning to that week and my mind keeps on replaying the events leading up to the loss and I just can't stop. Which stage of grief am I now going through that I keep trying to find someone or something to blame? (Writing this blog used to be therapeutic but now that it isn't so anonymous anymore, I guess I have to take into account the feelings of people who may be reading this.) What if I hadn't been oncall that night? What if I HAD heeded to what other people were saying and not walk so fast everywhere? or had worn flatties instead of my Crocs wedges? or had insisted on staying at home when I was on MC instead of coming to work just because my partner 'had something to attend to' and couldn't come back a day earlier than planned?

Am I resenting being so righteous and self sacrificing, whereas I had consciously made that decision knowing what was at stake?

Yes, deep down I know it probably wouldn't have made a difference but I am feeling it all the same.

And I am not liking it. I am a terrible person.

Friday, August 01, 2008

Bubu Bubu Where Art Thou.....?

Bubu is missing.

Usually Bubu sleeps with us in the room, and yes, on the bed. He does though, have this annoying habit of waking up at in the wee hours of the morning, mewing to be let out. Since he is left to prowl outside, normally he would come home in the evenings for his dinner. I was on call on Wednesday and Abg hasn't seen him since.

BTW, the little orange kitty has died. Sedih.

It's now been two nights in a row that Bubu hasn't come home. Neighbours who recognise Bubu as our cat has not seen him either. Last night (I was conked out post call) Abg even went to look for him but nothing.


I hope he is okay. If he comes home, off he will go to the vet. Serious. I hope Bubu doesn't follow in the pawstep (paw, foot, geddit?) of Cumi who has gone off and not come home.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

This is a fluffy post

My wrist hurts.

Ironically I've been preparing for an Ortho CME and mine's titled Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. I had been procrastinating, as usual and had left it for the last minute and subsequently ended up completing it all in 4 hours. However, the 4 hours with my right hand permanently glued on the mouse proved to be unfortunate as I now cannot even grip properly without hurting.

I'm in a rather happy mood today (for a change, haha) - my project presentation went well and my boss is happy and I returned home to find that Abg had bought me the new Double McSpicy (or something like that). I was tapping away at the PC when Abg came to me and presented me with the new Burberry fragrance. Hmmm, McD AND new perfume? I asked him to 'fess up but he just laughed it off.

Biasa la perempuan - bila husband tak beli hadiah, marah - bila husband beli, ingat dia buat salah. No wonder Abg has grown balder by the day.

Furthermore, my three kittens are well unto the road to recovery. Black with socks looked near at death's door a few days ago. He had refused to eat or drink and his eyes were crusted shut. I had wiped away at the dried up eye discharges and fed him water with a syringe. Also stuffed him with decongestants and antibiotics. Today he even came running to greet me as I stepped off the car. Bliss.

My wrist still hurts but at least I'm happy.

In shock


I cannot believe we got 3rd place for something that was made up and started about three weeks ago..........

Sunday, July 06, 2008


I wonder how long these two froggies have been trapped in my candle holder-ornament thingy.

I'm feeling that familiar feeling of unease again today.

Yes, it is my fault that I haven't found the time nor made the effort to do this certain 'extra curricular' project. What with my pregnancy and the workload and the subsequent miscarriage, it just slipped my mind.

I confessed that it has been my mistake and I accepted full responsibility for not coming up with anything, but when I was told to 'make it up' - I was, to say the least, quietly horrified. I no longer see the relevance of making a big fuss over something that has been literally picked from thin air.

Furthermore, I was reassured that other people will be doing the same thing.

Ho hum.

Still, I stuck to orders and came up with something.

I have been rather testy with my group - I think they are a bit concerned about my nonchalance of it all. I, on the other hand, refuse to leave my duties for something, which I may remind you, is TOTALLY MADE UP..! Hel-looooo....?

Or is it me? Is there something that you all know that I don't know about? Lives will not be lost if I mess up the presentation, the world will not come to an abrupt end - get a grasp of the big picture la....

Perhaps it is a bit difficult when my story lacks the details but I will not be pressured unreasonably for something that is against my principles. My first and foremost responsibility is towards my patients and THAT is THAT. Enough of this madness.

Wednesday, July 02, 2008


Bubu pestering me to let him out.

My specialist and colleague have returned after a 5 day hiatus attending a conference in KL. I may now breathe a sigh of relief. It's not so much the number of patients I had to attend to, but it's the burden of having to make your own decisions that bugs me most.

My specialist returned to find that I had kept a case of atlanto-axial dislocation in the ward. He had been admitted since last Thursday. I knew that there was something wrong with him, yet I don't really know what. His x ray looked fishy but since the incident had happened 2 months before and he was (relatively) well, I hadn't stressed my unease to my boss. I can tell that he is (to say politely) miffed with me, and I must admit that I probably deserved it.

I'm in the middle of preparing for a presentation and have asked for a day off to complete it. I know I'm supposed to keep my nose to the grindstone but you know how it is when you have something to complete, there's always something else to distract your focus away from the job at hand.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Of idiotic, ignorant lorry drivers and such...

I had a major nervous breakdown this morning.

Things had been slightly gritty at home for the past few days and my mood have only started to pick up this morning.

Anyway, I was getting ready for work and was trying to find my petticoat. I own THREE petticoats and can't find any that morning. I went on a mini amok and tumbled out all the clothes in the laundry basket and even went through all the mess in my SIL's room but couldn't locate even one.

In a cloud of fury I left home, petticoat-less.

At the turning into the kampung where FIL's house is, a taxi was in front of me signalling right. I snapped on my signal to the left and waited. As the taxi made his right turn, I edged forward and slanted the front of my car to the left in order to merge into the flow of cars. Suddenly this idiotic lorry driver (org suruh gi sekolah, kau main2, dah besar jadi drebar lori bodoh tak guna menyusahkan org!) crawled to a stop right in front of my car, and parked itself!!! I honked my horn as loudly as I can and gave him my most evil stare. Bodoh. Now I had to readjust my car in order to make my left turn. Kau tak nampak ke aku bagi signal bahalol! Typical stupid kiasu Kelantan people attitude, selagi kau boleh parking depan kedai, agaknya atas tangga kedai kau nak letak kereta engkau. Bangang.

Yang sakit hatinya, bila I managed to turn left, si celaka tu boleh pulak horn kat aku macam aku yg salah. Sial. I horn balik in protest and drove off. Kalau tak fikir I dah lewat nak gi kerja, I would have stopped to give him a piece of my mind. Eii, rasa macam nak tikam2 je tayar lorry bawak ice dia tu.

Bodoh. Mana ada org park kereta kat simpang la bangang. Consider la org nak keluar dari simpang tu. If it's not the ice lorry, it's the gas tank lorry. All idiots.

I drove off in a rage and screamed my lungs out in the car. Suddenly it wasn't just about the stupid lorry driver and his inconsiderate driving but it was ALL that was going wrong in my life. I cried tears of rage and frustration and shouted some more. It has gone way beyond lack of privacy or my own home or even losing my petticoats but more like losing a grip on my life and where I want to be headed to. I had dreams and it is slowly trickling away into nothingness.

I am drowning in a river of melancholy and I have no one to turn to.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Nothing in particular

Poor Cumi has been having a bad cold for the past week. His eyes are all swollen and red and he's is sniffling all the time.

I'm feeling overwhelmed by the flu that is making the rounds amongst my cats. The three youngest who first caught it have yet to recover despite getting jabs and now three more cats have been infected.

The only consolation is that despite the runny nose and swollen eyes, all seem to be eating well and running all over the place. Except for Che'Mot whom I think must have some sort of liver disease by the way how distended his tummy is.

My new cage has arrived! I think I will draw a line and stop the madness here. No more stray cats and certainly no more cages. But at least they have more space to stretch out and lie down.

Ruru seems to be doing well. He seems pretty chummy with Che'Lan and spends a good time rolling around and pouncing on each other.

The mother of the three strays will be getting spayed tomorrow. We've been keeping them in the spare cage during the night as the last few days it has been raining in the evenings. Yesterday, silly mummy cat left with the two red/orange tabbies. She's been coming back for food but her two kittens are nowhere to be seen. At least the black one has had some sense to stay put. I hope the two kids are alright. Tried looking for them; they usually come running when I make the 'tsk tsk tsk' sound - but nothing.