Musings

Since when have I become this terrible human being when I am with my patients? I tried to deny it at first yet the truth has turned around and made a head on collision with my conscience. So I've been asking myself, since when have I become this jaded, disillusioned, cynical human being when it comes to dealing with patients?

Does Dr House ring a bell? Hmm, I don't watch it much; a lot of people have been telling me what brilliant tv entertainment it is (I'll just get the DVD compilation) but what little I have managed to catch does make me think that I must be the female, Malaysian version of him. The jaded, disillusioned, cynical part, that is. Not the the brilliant diagnostician part. Unfortunately.

It wasn't a particularly bad on call last night. Only managed 2 hours of sleep - itupun tidur ayam, as you usually get during on calls, tapi biasa lah tu. Up at half two attending to a sudden barrage of labour room cases from Jeli (their 6-(apparently) bed ante-postnatal ward were full - tambah la katil weii) and had this TOS (trial of scar) that I had to keep a close eye on. After she delivered (lega!), there was another first time mother who had trouble bearing down. She finally managed to deliver (with 15 mins to spare) and I trudged off to my on call room at 6 am.

Thursdays aren't usually busy at our OPD tapi today it was particularly bad. Maybe everyone wanted to stock up on medications in view of the long weekend (long weekends are really bad for OPDs, I think). I was getting through the cases as fast as I could and couldn't spare much time for pleasantries. and one of my patients took offense.

Making a long story short, I just kept quiet while she lectured me on such poor service I am giving. I wasn't even listening to what she was saying. The pounding headache blocked out much of it. Normally I would have given some back to her, tapi post call punya pasal, kita diam aje lah. I told her, 'Nama saya Dr Suriana. Komplen lah kalau awak nak.' Dengan nada yang selamba gitu. Macam gangster la plak bunyinya, kan. Tapi seriously, I was so tired I really couldn't care less. I could deal with whatever later but not then.

Bengang, memang la bengang, tapi now, hours after the incident, I am thinking - I somehow deserved that. Regardless of how tired I am, I should have shoved that all aside and treat my patients as if I have all the time in the world. It doesn't matter that makcik Semah has turned up for registration at 7.55 am and still haven't managed to be seen at 10, tapi if a mak datin wanna be comes into my room and demands her BP be checked despite getting hundred-ringgit-per-visit-consultations at a private specialist hospital, I guess I must hide my contempt and trudge along.

I must sound as if I'm making excuses for my behaviour but I'm not. This is just me thinking myself out. I wish there is a way for me to turn up for work and not assume anything of the person sitting at my desk. Not assume he's just here to get MCs so that he can get off for Raya. Not assume that pakcik Mat tells me that he takes his diabetic medication yet scoffs on nasik berlauk three times a day complete with fat laced sup tulang and extra sweet teh beng.

Because all this assumption is just making it worse. I mean my jadedness, my disillusionment and my cynicism.

*sigh*

*Another Big Sigh*

I seriously am not liking myself much right now.

and I'm on call Raya Haji.

Selamat Hari Raya Qurban.