Tears on a Sunday afternoon

The labour room can be a sad sad place.

Not only the cries of the newborns remind me of my state, it can also be a place where hope is lost, and tears are shed.

Sunday morning is usually pretty light especially when there aren't emergency cases lined up. I was hanging about the labour room which is joined to the OT when I heard soft sobbings behind me.

The consultant was talking in that special voice that I know they use when conveying bad news. The sobbing was heavy with shattered dreams and painful longing. I almost recognise it as mine not too long ago.

They had been married for 26 years. The news of the wife's pregnancy, at her age of 43, must have been a miraculous moment for both of them. Who would have thought after all this time that they were having not one, but two babies!

This is indeed 'rezeki' - Allah's blessings - and they must have gone through those days with such joy. Had they chosen names, I wonder? Did they imagine what it would be like to finally have kids in that home? The wail of a baby hungry for milk, the cooing when they are happy, the shrieks of laughter as you play peek-a-boo. To stroke that soft skin and run your hands through their hair and inhale the sweet smell of powder and that special baby smell.

To be told that all those dreams are no longer theirs - must have been heart breaking. It must have felt like your life is being torn out of your body.

Three years ago, I had hung on to the very last shred of hope, till I know there isn't any to hold on to any longer. Sometimes, I thought I had been in a nightmare, willing myself to wake up but I can't. I am sorry for that couple. I know what you two must be going through.

But know that to have lasted 26 years - that is the kind of love and devotion that has become so rare nowadays. Couples with kids can barely get through their 10th anniversary nowadays, and some are married for two weeks before calling it quits - it is ridiculous that the marriage institution has become a joke.

Please do remember that your husband must love you very much - that he accepts you the way you are and will tell you that you alone is enough for him. You will cry and cry and maybe cry a little more for the next few weeks and then the pain will start to lessen. The ache will become less dull but at times you will remember and you may shed a tear but that is ok.

I have not cried for quite some time but today I did.

I cried not just because of the miracle that I once lost but also for all the unseen blessings in my life; sometimes we tend to concentrate on things that we don't have that we forget to see the miracles that are right in front of us.

The first step is always the hardest

but overcoming it doesn't mean the rest of the way will be easy.

Am I regretting not doing it earlier? I don't know. Don't believe in being regretful, to be honest. I think life is too short to dwell on things that could have or should have or all the probablies and maybes.

or maybe I am just making excuses.

Why is it....

....that one is always reluctant to get something using one's own money, yet have no problem when someone else buys it for you?

The thing is, one knows that one can afford it but never gets round to buying it because when push comes to shove, you think, no, this is too expensive - a family of four can survive for a whole month on this and you come up with all the possible excuses under the sun - BUT, doesn't even need to consider thinking twice about accepting said item as a gift.

Right?

So, as much as I am saying "No, you shouldn't have", I want you to know that I absolutely love it and for the rest of the week before even considering using it, will probably take it out of its bag when I know you're not looking just to gaze at it and inhale its sweet sweet smell.