Buang tebiat ke aku

Currently on repeat on my phone, car stereo and laptop.....

Makcik me

Since when have I become so fickle and unsure of myself?

I went on a break last week and came back calmer and refreshed. I looked back at the person I was a few weeks ago and thought, 'What have I done?'

Indeed, what have I done? How could I let emotions get the better of me? I had never been the sobbing, giving-up type. When I was younger, when I was bullied, I didn't think twice about fighting back. I was my own self even during primary school and never really cared about what people thought about me.

What type of person have I become? I thought we were supposed to be better with age? No one told me that I would be a fickle minded makcik at the age of 30ish?

Sigh.

The end

Wouldn't life be easy if we knew all the right decisions and the outcomes that comes with it?

I have decided to withdraw from my Masters in Orthopedics training.


I know to some, the decision came as a shock. People wonder what brought it and make judgements on how I have wasted an opportunity. They could not see any reason for me to make such a drastic decision.

Now that the decision is final and my application to withdraw has been accepted by the department, I feel a tinge of sadness; perhaps for indeed theoretically taking away someone else's chance to become an orthopedic specialist.

I struggled with the decision for months before calling it quits - bottom line is I hated the person I have become. What my good friend told me was true - I let my emotions get the better of me and in the end, it just became too much.

Optimism

Recently something happened to me - the details aren't important but Abg was not too happy about me putting myself in a risky situation despite my good intention.

More than a week has passed but I keep replaying it in my head - I wonder if that person looked at me and thought, 'Hey, this is easy money!' before approaching me that day in the car park. His sob story is typical and friends later warned me that it has happened before to other people.

I wonder if he rotates the sites where he does his con - and how he keeps up with the people he lied to. Does he choose his potential target by the prominence of his or her appearance? How long does he sit around in the car park before the right moment and person comes? Despite everything, I just had to admire his ability to think on his feet - I asked him a lot of questions and at that time everything appeared genuine.

How much I gave him is irrelevant - after all, the amount wasn't missed at all - but who knows, he may REALLY be in a tight situation as he had claimed and coming across this sour-faced makcik was the lucky break he needed.

The world would indeed be a depressing place if I kept thinking otherwise - and I think I need every bit of optimism right now.