Sometimes...

I have always noted how similar yet how different Abg and I are - and I sometimes note that the similarities that we have can be an annoyance. Imagine trying to handle another ME - I don't think that can be pleasant!

Sometimes I am amazed that we have lasted this long. My Ma never fails to point out to me that any other person would have left me a long time ago! Haha. Thanks for the vote of confidence, Ma.

Seriously though - when I look at us, I will be the first to admit that love (or rather Allah's choice of my jodoh) works in the strangest manner.

Occasionally, when the differences are the most obvious, I would tease him and say "This is what you get for not marrying a nice kampung girl!". I don't know whether he realises it or not but at times I really do think that is what he should have done.

I am not the most easily adaptable person on earth - I am happiest curled up in bed with a good book. When there is waiting involved, you would see my nose stuck in between pages of a book rather than staring into nothingness. I don't do small talk because I think people don't really want to know the answer, they just want to fill the awkward silence. I enjoy the company of a small dinner rather than a full blown party; maybe that's just the control freak in me.

Abg hasn't been to his company's Family Day for the past few years. He says it is because he doesn't like to go - but I secretly think it's because I don't want to. In the first year it's alright because everyone knows you've just recently married - but after a few years I am finding myself in an awkward place; he has his friends but I don't really mesh with the other wives because they will talk about the best brand of diapers or milk formula and how their kids are doing at school and what post school activities are best etc etc. Now he doesn't even ask if I want to go.

When there is a family event on his side, I feel awkward because I feel like an outsider in a sea of Kelantanese speaking females. I am tired of smiling when they exclaim in amusement that I don't eat or haven't tried a certain food.

Which is weird because people who know me will say that I can be pretty friendly. At times I can strike a conversation with a complete stranger, so I am not shy.

In the beginning I kept to myself because I was worried about the first impression that I may make. I felt that people expected Abg to marry a local girl and because I was not, I was determined to show that I am the best person for him so I acted like how I expect people expect me to act. After a while, people perceived my quietness as a reluctance to blend in and left me alone.

Abg tries to reassure me but I can see that this is holding him back.

Nowadays my life seems pretty monotonous. Even significant things that happen in my life, I perceive as being insignificant. Sometimes I think I go through my day to day activities like how a robot does.

Is this a rut that every one goes through once in a while in their lives? Should I be doing something or just let this phase pass by?

Sometimes I wish I don't have to even care.