The end

Lately I find myself often thinking about death. Must be the age. You wake up with aches and pains in your body and you realise you are not as young as your brain thinks. Waking up from a night's sleep feels the same as when you went off to bed. Your motor response aren't as fast and you don't remember things as well as you used to.

Do you, like me, wonder how your end is going to be? Will it be painful, I wonder? Will it be sudden or will it be slow and miserable? Who will be with me when I go? Will people care enough to see me go, be it happy or otherwise?

I was reading this blog about a husband who is currently taking care of his bed bound wife. In one of his entries, he said, he remembered being asked by the wife whether he would remarry should something happen to her? I turned to Abg and asked him the same. He said he didn't know.

I understood. One can never know what one will really do unless one is faced with the reality. You can say A or B or all the letters of the alphabets but only when the truth hits you in the face will you know for sure what your actions will be.

After a while, Abg said, "Well, if I were to go first, I would like you to remarry" - to which I harrumphed so ungraciously and said, "Takde dah orang nak kat saya [No one would want me]" but in truth, what I wanted to say was "I was lucky to have found you and I don't think I would be lucky again".

Then I look around my beautiful home and think, all this would be unnecessary and absolutely useless when I die. I guess if people thought about their demise more often and with all seriousness, less people will be greedy or materialistic. As it is, I find greed so abominable - to think that it can make people so self centered and selfish. Life would be better if people started thinking about other people.

and what about my cats? I look at Spicy, my three legged madame who, despite her handicap, has no problem climbing up to the dinner table to lie by my arm as I am writing this. Who will take care of you when I die? I hope you have been happy staying with me. God knows what kind of suffering you have gone through before I found you mewing sadly in front of the mamak stall.

I guess you will never know when death will come unless it is staring you right in the face. Whatever end HE has in store for me, I hope HE will be merciful and all caring. Amin.