Nothing in particular

I am returning to work tomorrow after a week's break. Yup, a WEEK! Well, I had a course in IMR for two days but still, not working! Have been lepaking at home with Ma and starting a new beading project on sis Yaya's dress for the akad ceremony.

Missed my furkids and was glad to see the little one alive and well when we went to pick him up from boarding.

FYI, rescued three siblings from the hospital's car park two weeks ago. Barely a month old - who would be so heartless as to abandon such young kittens mummy-less. Kalau ye pun, tunggu la besar sikit. The two white-black kittens died despite me bringing them during my oncall just so that I might be able to feed them milk, so only the off-white little one is left. Though, I'm not really sure what colour he really is because of the badly infected fur. Not to mention his constantly wet backside from his diarrhoea.

Yet, I am optimistic. He is eating the softened kibbles well and is rather active. I tried putting him with the other small-ish kitten but he ended up being bulliedand scratched at. Sigh.

Spent the last day of the Merdeka weekend shifting the cats' cages to the back. Abg has roofed off the section at the back next to the wet kitchen. At least it won't be so hot during the mornings and the living area and the room in front wouldn't be getting whiffs of the peepee and poopoo of my kids. Best of all, I can open my window and check on them whenever I like.

As usual, spent a bomb in KL - mostly on cat food. Only bought one new handbag - and it's 70% off - I'm rather proud of myself.

and it's the first day of the fasting month tomorrow! Selamat berpuasa everyone!

Each of my cat has a story...

and this is Jimi's.

Jimi is the only cat in my household that I didn't 'rescue'. The owner of the eating place that Abg frequents offered him to Abg. I still remember the day Abg brought Jimi home. Abg had just pulled into the parking area and I thought was taking a long time to come over. When I looked over, Abg beckoned at me excitedly and told me to look under the seat.



This fluffy ball of white fur was sitting there, so quietly and didn't make a sound as I pulled it out. I remember feeling so sorry for him, being taken away from his home and forced to live with strangers; instead of leaving him in the cage, I put him in a box in the room.

Imagine my surprise when in my sleep that night, I reached over in between my pillow and Abg's and felt something mushy. Safe to say, Jimi sleeps in the cage from that night onwards.



Jimi is the 'samseng' of the group; he is unafraid of anything. He would be the only one to nonchalantly walk out of the house compounds unto the road and once, jump unto the paddy field across the road. I still remember watching this white fur jumping in and out the green grass chasing grasshoppers.



I was in a cheery mood this morning as I walked into the vet. When the vet assistant told me the bad news, all I could focus on was seeing his unmoving body. He was already cold. I hope his passing was painless.

In a way, I could feel how ridiculous all this sounds, yet my furkids are like a part of the family. Each of my cats have their own personality and the loss of each one leaves a void that can never be replaced.

Rest in peace my little one. You will be missed.

Bercelaru....

My furkid Jimi has been knocked down and run over. He is now at the vet, being put on drip and awaiting for op tomorrow, that is, if the vet decides that his injury is worth being operated on.

He is pale as sheet, and refuses to eat nor drink and can only lift up his head to look at me when I call his name.

I cried at the vet as she showed me the extent of his injury and I cried as I left him and I am crying still.

Rotten

Have you ever hated the version of you that you have become? One moment you are loving everything, content with life and all that you have achieved, and gradually you are resenting everything?

Sometimes don't you just wish life is like a Magna Doodle/Etch-A-Sketch board that you can just erase with one swipe of its handle; letting you start fresh, hoping you won't make the same mistake again?

I'm not sure whether this is just a phase I am going through (if it's a phase, shouldn't it be temporary?) or if the previous me is totally gone, replaced by this super bitch that I feel I am now? I bite and growl at my nurses, I don't call up Ma to chat anymore (and I think she is 'merajuk' with me) and even Abg is not spared.

In short, if I were not me, I would HATE me.

Should I be relieved that at least I realise that there is something wrong and must change immediately? Is that my silver lining in this mess of muck that I currently feel like I'm swimming in?

I am looking for faults, something lacking in my life that is causing this but I'm not sure if I'm looking for one just so that I might justify my rotten behaviour or if I don't find one, I might have to resign to the fact that I am, just plain ...rotten?

Apparently I am 'payoh bbaso'.....

I have been writing this blog with a lot more care lately that it has lost a lot of its anonymity. I know some of my work colleagues read it and it's even in the histories/cookies list in the PC at the casualty.

Work politics is a weird complicated thing. I try not to get my head too wrapped up in it. As far as I am concerned, my first duty is to my immediate boss and to my patients. and as far as I am aware, I have never considered myself to be 'difficult' and note the quote unquote as you and I both know, 'difficult' can mean a lot of things to different people.


Yes, I am Ms Laser Mouth and at times IDIOT is my favourite word but when it comes to colleagues asking for favours, I think I don't usually make a fuss about it. I DO though, have an issue helping out people who do. I mean, if you are going to go beating about the bush and making excuses, do you think other people will be accommodating to you? So, when I give you a taste of your own medicine, don't go running to mummy and moan about how 'payoh bbaso' I am.

Apparently, my boss has told me that Big Boss has informed him that it has come to her attention that I am 'payah bbaso' and doesn't help out other MOs. Okay, you tell me about when I cover for my other colleague who has no partner to cover for her. You tell me about any time when the MAs call me to review Ortho cases and I say no. You tell me about the time when I had stayed back late and ended up escorting a case to HRPZ when the 2nd call has already gone on an earlier trip. You tell me about the time when a colleague messaged me to cover for him and I had to endure multiple 'Why not..' questions from my boss on why his partner can't cover for him instead.

I am tempted to put up an open letter at the MO notice board and issue a challenge to any particular MO who have been whining about me and tell it to my face, that is if you have the balls lah....or else, Abg offered another tempting option: go to Big Boss and say, if you think I'm such a non team player and difficult to work with; I've already handed in my application for transfer A YEAR ago, why don't you just let me go and be rid of me?

Geram geram geram.

Hari Haru Biru

I don't usually expect Thursdays to be hectic or chaotic. Sundays, yes, but not Thursdays. On Thursdays, I expect to come for rounds, perhaps have one or maybe two cases of emergency OT and then go home at a reasonable hour. Though reasonable is a relative term in this case.

I was doing rounds at the female ward this morning and was just checking up on the indian girl who had plating to her tibia the day before. My colleague, the anaesth MO was also there when we suddenly noticed that a big group of student nurses were crowded around the next bed. Apparently the young girl had desaturated and was fast deteriorating. My anaesth colleague went to lend a hand and I proceeded with my rounds as my specialist had turned up.

We were supposed to have Ortho OT that morning as my boss wasn't around for the usual elective day. As the anaesth MO was busy intubating in the ward upstairs, the first case was called only after half ten. and even then, she discovered that the girl had a history of fainting and turning blue. I was like, OMG I hope this case doesn't get cancelled and called my boss and told him I'd be doing the finger refashioning case instead.

and THAT didn't turn out uneventful either, but still I managed to finish it and we proceeded with the elbow. As the anaesth MO was getting ready to administer spinal for the following case (a query open fracture of the tibial plateau), she received a call for a case of fetal distress. Wah lau, if things are not supposed to go smoothly then everything can go wrong. My boss immediately improvised and did the wound debridement and Steinman pin insertion under LA/sedation instead.

That done, I scrubbed in to assist with the caesarian section and still in my scrubs I rushed to the female ward to review the case of query hip septic arthritis, then left to do the discharges and apologize to the patient whose elective case had to be cancelled.

The day ended on a pleasant note though when two of my good colleagues and I (even though it was already nearly an hour after everyone else had gone home) had pulut durian courtesy of Kak Yah. Sedappp...

Busy as it was, I was sated. Not by durians; it was a good full day and despite the hiccups, things got done. and having friends to enjoy the end of the working week with you is one of the simple pleasures that everyone should experience.

and I am ending this post with warm fuzzy feeling because I have a major gripe to deal with in the next post.

Busy bee

I don't often try out recipes I get off cookbooks or cooking shows. I always have this niggling doubt that the chef will never reveal his/her secrets and though convincing the 'umm's and the 'aah's can be, who's to tell really how delicious the food really is? Kan kan kan...

Anyway, I recently discovered that a friend of mine had started a blog since she's been in Auckland furthering her studies. Anyway, she posted a recipe called Tuna Rolls and it was so simple, I just have to give it a go. Besides, kalau tak jadi, I tau la mana nak cari tuannya...haha....

So, in honour of 'Those Moments...', here is my version of it...

Ingredients:
2 small tins of tuna - tin of 185g each
3 tablespoonfuls of Mayonnaise

because I just lurrrrrrve onions and to me, making a tuna sandwich without chopped onions is a sin in my books, I added one and half of chopped yellow onions.



2 tablespoonfuls of corn kernels



Salt and ground pepper to taste

2 eggs - beaten
Cheese - to your heart's desire. I used Perfect Italiano's mixture of shredded Cheddar, Parmesan and Mozzarella.

Bread - basically I tried this recipe out using two types of bread: Hailam bread (the crustless white bread you typically find in Kopitiams) and the usual sliced bread.

My verdict, both are equally usable; the Hailam bread is longer but narrower so your rolls will be more of the petite size. Point to note though is Hailam bread becomes stiff if left in the open so only take them out when you are ready to lay out the filling and roll it up.

Mix up the tuna, corn kernels, onions, mayo and seasoning. Butter or margarine up your bread. Place about a teaspoonful or two of fillings on bread and roll it up. Seal the ends with egg and lay your rolls on a baking tray.



Just before putting them in the oven, (pre heated at 180 celcius), I gave the rolls an eggwash and scattered cheese generously.

They should be ready after about 15 mins. But of course, this depends on how you like your cheese topping, but in general 15 mins should be okay.

Best eaten fresh from the oven while the bread is still crispy.


The top 4 are the ones made with Hailam bread, the middle with normal sliced bread but rolled diagonally, basically for experimentation purposes and the bottom row is the rolled up sliced bread.

Abg loved it; definitely a keeper this one.

Thank you Zaa, keep them coming okay?

Not feeling so great

I am the most terrible person in the world.

Last week, Abg's cousin came back for a week's trip back home. She lives down south (of Malaysia la) and I guess trips back up to the East Coast can be pretty taxing for a family with three young kids.

She recently got a new baby, you see, and a boy at that. The thing is, out of Abg's many cousins, I quite like this one. But I just couldn't bring myself to see her. I want to be happy for her, but seeing those ten little toes and little fingers will just remind me of the thing I lost.

I thought I was okay. Afterall, it has been 3 months now but I guess I thought wrong.

Sigh.

Now I keep returning to that week and my mind keeps on replaying the events leading up to the loss and I just can't stop. Which stage of grief am I now going through that I keep trying to find someone or something to blame? (Writing this blog used to be therapeutic but now that it isn't so anonymous anymore, I guess I have to take into account the feelings of people who may be reading this.) What if I hadn't been oncall that night? What if I HAD heeded to what other people were saying and not walk so fast everywhere? or had worn flatties instead of my Crocs wedges? or had insisted on staying at home when I was on MC instead of coming to work just because my partner 'had something to attend to' and couldn't come back a day earlier than planned?

Am I resenting being so righteous and self sacrificing, whereas I had consciously made that decision knowing what was at stake?

Yes, deep down I know it probably wouldn't have made a difference but I am feeling it all the same.

And I am not liking it. I am a terrible person.

Bubu Bubu Where Art Thou.....?

Bubu is missing.

Usually Bubu sleeps with us in the room, and yes, on the bed. He does though, have this annoying habit of waking up at in the wee hours of the morning, mewing to be let out. Since he is left to prowl outside, normally he would come home in the evenings for his dinner. I was on call on Wednesday and Abg hasn't seen him since.

BTW, the little orange kitty has died. Sedih.

It's now been two nights in a row that Bubu hasn't come home. Neighbours who recognise Bubu as our cat has not seen him either. Last night (I was conked out post call) Abg even went to look for him but nothing.

Sigh.

I hope he is okay. If he comes home, off he will go to the vet. Serious. I hope Bubu doesn't follow in the pawstep (paw, foot, geddit?) of Cumi who has gone off and not come home.