Not feeling so great

I am the most terrible person in the world.

Last week, Abg's cousin came back for a week's trip back home. She lives down south (of Malaysia la) and I guess trips back up to the East Coast can be pretty taxing for a family with three young kids.

She recently got a new baby, you see, and a boy at that. The thing is, out of Abg's many cousins, I quite like this one. But I just couldn't bring myself to see her. I want to be happy for her, but seeing those ten little toes and little fingers will just remind me of the thing I lost.

I thought I was okay. Afterall, it has been 3 months now but I guess I thought wrong.

Sigh.

Now I keep returning to that week and my mind keeps on replaying the events leading up to the loss and I just can't stop. Which stage of grief am I now going through that I keep trying to find someone or something to blame? (Writing this blog used to be therapeutic but now that it isn't so anonymous anymore, I guess I have to take into account the feelings of people who may be reading this.) What if I hadn't been oncall that night? What if I HAD heeded to what other people were saying and not walk so fast everywhere? or had worn flatties instead of my Crocs wedges? or had insisted on staying at home when I was on MC instead of coming to work just because my partner 'had something to attend to' and couldn't come back a day earlier than planned?

Am I resenting being so righteous and self sacrificing, whereas I had consciously made that decision knowing what was at stake?

Yes, deep down I know it probably wouldn't have made a difference but I am feeling it all the same.

And I am not liking it. I am a terrible person.