Rotten

Have you ever hated the version of you that you have become? One moment you are loving everything, content with life and all that you have achieved, and gradually you are resenting everything?

Sometimes don't you just wish life is like a Magna Doodle/Etch-A-Sketch board that you can just erase with one swipe of its handle; letting you start fresh, hoping you won't make the same mistake again?

I'm not sure whether this is just a phase I am going through (if it's a phase, shouldn't it be temporary?) or if the previous me is totally gone, replaced by this super bitch that I feel I am now? I bite and growl at my nurses, I don't call up Ma to chat anymore (and I think she is 'merajuk' with me) and even Abg is not spared.

In short, if I were not me, I would HATE me.

Should I be relieved that at least I realise that there is something wrong and must change immediately? Is that my silver lining in this mess of muck that I currently feel like I'm swimming in?

I am looking for faults, something lacking in my life that is causing this but I'm not sure if I'm looking for one just so that I might justify my rotten behaviour or if I don't find one, I might have to resign to the fact that I am, just plain ...rotten?