Digging a hole in the rain

Six cats in three weeks.

I am never rescuing strays ever.

It must be that scrawny yellow tabby who came meowing for food. I noted that my younger kittens started to get sick after that. We didn't see him for quite a while when he suddenly appeared at my door last night, pathetically thin, drooling at the mouth, tail crusted with dried feces. His eyes were almost completely shut by the discharge, he was meowing pitifully but I could not risk my older cats getting what he has.

He was still under my car this morning, and still on the porch this afternoon and already dead by the time I got home.

A dead cat always makes me sad - even when it's not my own.

So, even with the drizzle outside, I took the 'cangkul' and dug a shallow grave for the nameless cat.

I learnt that the 'cangkul' isn't built for digging graves. After about 10 minutes of digging (I wonder what the neighbours were thinking, this baju kurung-clad lady huffing and a puffing digging a hole in the rain at dusk), I placed him in it and buried him when I noticed his two hind feet were protruding through the soil. I managed to redistribute the soil so the whole cat is covered.

May you rest in comfort, yellow one.

Rest in peace sweetheart - you will be sorely missed.

Post tak puas hati

This morning in the ward, a bunch of innocent looking chaps were lounging around, occasionally being led by sister looking at god knows what - later I was informed that they were future medical students, waiting to be flown overseas for their education.

As they were leaving, they thanked one of my housemen for showing them around and I was tempted to say, "Remember to come home after you finish - you are there on Rakyat's money - jangan perasan nak jadi mat saleh" but of course I didn't. It must be the age but I am finding that I am much better at keeping my mouth shut nowadays.

I reckon the government should just save their money and just let all students study locally. Bila dah study overseas, rasa macam bagus, that you are not good enough to work at home. Crap.

Some say, when sponsored to study overseas, the first thing that they try to find out is, apart from where the nearest halal meat store is, how they can stay permanently. Patut la Malaysia is the way she is. Dah la ahli politik tak berapa cerdik, rakyat selfish, pentingkan diri.

Crap.

Loss

Tell me again why I let myself get attached to my pets - all I wanted to do is make sure they have enough to eat and not sleep in the rain but when they die, all I can think about is how they would play at my feet and get on top of us whenever we're watching tv. All it takes is a crumpled ball of paper, and they are entertained for hours.

They would never let a debilitating condition keep them down. As long as they are fed and warm, they are happy.

I don't know what happened but once in a while we would have an outbreak of viral infection and my cats will die at such a rapid rate that I am left helpless.

After 4 dying in quick succession, now two of my constant companions while I was stressed out with exams preparation aren't feeling too well. All I can do is keep them warm with hot water bottles and keep them hydrated and hope they are strong enough to weather through the worst.

Bliss is....

...checking in into a hotel, ordering room service and knowing that you REALLY don't have anything to do but to take it easy.

My friend said, he went home after getting the results, (he had passed by the way) and felt empty because for once in a long while, he didn't have to hit the books and make sure he knew the differences between the three types of muscles. It had actually felt weird. I, for one, (call me strange) had wanted to keep on studying!

The exams had been pretty straighforward. Unlike the exit exams which would require the candidate to have read beyond the recommended text, the entrance exam (we call it Part 1) basically tested how much you know the fundamentals. I had dreaded Anatomy - for the life of me, I still can't tell the difference between the intrinsic muscles of the hand! One takes one hand for granted; until you work in a hospital which is a Hand centre and you will never look at it the same way.

With hindsight - despite all the tears and frustrations and threatening to quit 'once and for all' - it was all worth it, just to say 'I passed' - and there had been MANY times when I came this close to throwing in the towel. If not for my wonderful wonderful colleagues, I think I would have done it. Just knowing that someone else felt the same way was enough.

To all future candidates, I cannot stress enough how important having a study group is. If I had to write it a million times, I will. It isn't just the studying, but the support system it provides. Just knowing that other people too felt crap was comforting. Of course, it helps heaps if they turn out to be the best group in the world. Seriously, I wouldn't have wished for a better group of mad mad people.

Mad because we had actually voluntarily put ourselves through it! Mad!

However, jokes aside - with everything now water under the bridge, I am glad I persevered. I wouldn't have been able to look at myself in the mirror if I had chickened out and quit before I knew how far I could go.

I know this sounds like a cliche, but SERIOUSLY, if I made through it, then ANYONE can.....

and now what....

I can't remember the last time I felt like vomiting, having to PU and BO (that's a number 1 and a number 2 respectively, in English, hehe) at the same time and it was not good.

Why and a thousand more WHYs came and passed unanswered. I vowed to get myself out of this, I must have been mad to even think I could.

But when the good news came, I had to ask my HOD to say it again, just in case, you know, all that lack of sleep had made me delirious. The fact that not everyone made it put a damper on the celebratory mood and of course Abg's the first person I called.

Syukur Alhamdulillah. So this old hag still has it in her, huh.

So now what? Will I be able to do this all over again in 3 and a half years?

Crap crap....

crappity crap.

Why did I put myself through this?

Ah well, terima je lah......padan muka sape suruh buat sangat.....