When tears come

Despite our childless state, it had never crossed my mind to put the blame on anyone. Period.

There was nothing nor no one to blame. I told myself, Allah has HIS ways. HE has blessed my life in so many other ways that sometimes I feel so guilty about not giving thanks enough. My husband, my health, the almost constant contentment that I feel, the joy I get from friends and family, the ability to derive happiness from simple pleasures like seeing my cats wrestle each other - the list is endless.

Part of the plan for my hiatus was to get some professional help to change this. Our home is so beautiful that it'd be more wonderful with pitter patter of tiny human feet - rather than little paws.


However, when certain attempts prove to be futile - I find my optimism waning. I don't want to play the blame game, much less when I am beginning to blame HIM.



This month has been exceptionally difficult - mainly because we were really trying. Before, it was - kalau ada, ada lah, kalau takde pun takpe [if it is to be, so be it but if it isn't, that's ok too] and I was happy with that. In fact, in the later years, I had totally accepted our fate. I told myself that at least I am spared the headaches of parents.

But then, I start to think, what exactly is wrong with us that HE feels that we don't deserve kids? Am I so bad that Allah doesn't feel that I deserve it? If there is a hikmah in this, please tell me soon what it is because consoling myself can be heartbreaking.


Then the tears come - I cry for not being able to become the wife that I am supposed to be, I cry for not being able to feel how much love is too much when it comes to loving a child - I cry for my arwah son (yes, he was a boy - we named him Muhammad), I cry for Abg because he may never have the opportunity to cry the Azan or to recite the iqamah in our child's ear.

Most of all I cry for my own weakness, for even beginning to be mad at Allah for my fate. As I wipe my tears, I resolve to not let myself be weak and to have more faith in HIM. I tell myself that we have a good life - an exceptionally good life that I rarely think the grass is greener on the other side. The grass has always been greener on my side of the fence and I don't think I'd want to change that.


But I know the tears will come once in a while and I will pray that even in the state of most sadness that I will never forget that.