Thursday, November 22, 2012

At peace

A lot of people wondered when I decided to take my 6-month break. A lot of people thought it was drastic; I had passed my Part 1 (though still unbelievable) and had just been confirmed as a UD52 (man, I feel old) so, career-wise, it was chugging on smoothly.

Not many realise that I had been on the verge of quitting altogether. Having had a short break post Part 1, I had a lot of free time to contemplate my life and what it lacked, despite me personally thinking how blessed it has been. I know I didn't need the money, I don't hunger the power nor fame (what fame?) and am only mildly disturbed by the fact that I may be receiving orders from specialists younger than me - one can only embrace aging gracefully, I say.

I started seeing things that needed to be done. They became my priority. At least that's what I thought. So, I talked to my boss and he suggested I take a break rather than quitting altogether. I smiled politely and made the necessary arrangement. At that time, I was sure deferring was only prolonging what was certain in my mind.

I left abruptly and left my good friends there shocked, to say the least. I was touched when they called and asked why. It showed me that they cared. Intermittently during the 6 months, a phonecall or an SMS would come me by, informing me of the latest department gossips and I appreciated that.

I loved being the little housewife - I learnt to sew (and quite well too, if I may say so myself) and set up home. I learnt that I love seeing my plants grow and thrive. I have a red frangipani growing on my front lawn and cannot wait for its first bloom. I realised, that despite being an able cook in the kitchen, that I am a lousy baker. I can throw random stuff into the pot and still come up with something edible but even following a recipe to the tee cannot guarantee me a perfect cupcake.

For once, my laundry stayed folded and ironed in the wardrobe. Abg only had to decide and pick out what to wear for work rather than rummaging through and picking out something decent from the laundry basket.

Of course, a lot of things also became sidetracked. I had wanted to go for cooking classes but became ill on several occasion which left me housebound for weeks at time; and of course the Eid celebrations took a portion of my time off. I enjoyed Ramadhan or perhaps Abg enjoyed it more because now that I am a housewife, I had no excuses for waking up and preparing sahur.

However, despite being all Martha Stewart-y, occasionally life felt it lacked something. I missed my friends. I missed being in the OT. As time went on, I began to look forward to returning.

To tell you the truth, I am seriously excited about going back. I look forward to seeing and talking to my friends and catching up on the latest gossip. I can't wait to be back in OT but I know I would have to reacquaint myself with managing cases now that it has been months since I've seen patients.

Now that our home has been set up, I do feel a little sad about leaving it. Every little thing had at least a tiny bit of thought and memory behind it but I do realise that life is about sacrifices and this is only a minute one.

So, I am glad I took this break. As I told my friend Kumar, it was something that I needed to get out of my system or else I would constantly be feeling uneasy and have 'What if's hanging round my head. I learnt to let go of certain dreams - perhaps some things really are not meant to be - and accept the fact that life is totally fine without it.

I may or even may not complete my training - as far as I know myself, I can be pretty fickle minded - but at least I am at peace with the decisions I made so far and one can't ask for more than that.

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