Insomnia

When I was younger - I think I was about 8 at that time - I went through a phase of insomnia. Try as I might, I just couldn't sleep unless I was in the same room as Ma. I wasn't sure why or what had triggered it but whenever I tried sleeping with my sis, I would pester her to talk to me or tell stories just so that she wouldn't fall asleep before I did.

It was as if I couldn't bear to be left alone when everyone else had gone to dreamland.

One night I dragged my pillow and just sat outside Ma's room. I remember looking at the cuckoo clock on the wall and it was half one in the morning and I just sat there. Waiting for Ma to open the door. I didn't cry, I didn't even knock on her door - I just sat there in silence. Eventually Ma came out, I think she had to go to the kitchen or something. I don't remember if she scolded me but I went into her room and laid myself on the mattress on the floor at the foot of the bed and happily went to sleep.

I remember feeling so safe and contented and I remember it was the best feeling in the world that night.

Lately I have been having that same unsettled, niggling fear. I would feel restless as I hear Abg slowly drifting off to sleep. A part of me wanted to wake him up and ridiculously wanted to make him talk to me just as I had made Yanie tell stories to me just so she wouldn't fall asleep first all those years ago.

Spending the week at home with Ma had been calming. I thought I had passed the crying-at-the-drop-of-the-hat phase. I thought I was ready to go home and resume my life. But as I sit here, I am again dreading the night. I feel like the little kid who is quaking in fear for the bogeyman in the closet.

Perhaps it is the room and the bed and the memories that comes with it. I keep flashing back to everything that has happened in the last 4 months - when I was full of hope and overjoyed with the miracle - and the last few weeks when there were uncertainty and tears.

I know I must let it go - but does it have to be so hard?

Healing

Thank you for all the warm wishes. Believe it or not every single comment left here has helped with the grieving process.

Thank you.

I wonder....

if the grief ever goes away?

Empty

I don't know how many times I've come back to this page and stared at the blinking cursor, not knowing what or why or how to start.


For a while, all I wanted was an end. A conclusion. A finality so that I can finally get on with my life.

Now that that is here, I find myself facing an emptiness.


I woke up in the wee hours of the morning today; somewhat soothed by the snoring of Abg who is lying uncomfortably on the cleopatra sofa in my room. I am awashed by the amount of love and patience that this man have showered on me and as the memories of events that passed in the last few days come flooding back, again I find tears rolling slowly down my cheeks.

My baby was a perfect, healthy baby boy. Abg and I was sure we were having a girl; if the situation was otherwise, I'm sure both of us would be laughing at our silliness.

For a while I was just numb. For a while the outside world ceased to exist. But slowly it came back, weighted by this vast emptiness I am currently feeling.

It would be so easy to think that I am the only one grieving and some moments, the selfishness indeed grabs me but Abg has stood fast - patiently, quietly and I am shamed.

Perhaps it's not my time for the 'rezeki'. Until that time comes, I will be here - grieving but humbled and thankful.

Hopeless and helpless

I am losing my baby and there is nothing much I can do about it. I wonder if the feeling is akin to watching your kid drown slowly and you are just sitting there not doing anything? I hope no one will experience what I have gone through.

I was on call on Thursday when it happened. I was whizzing around clerking cases at about 11 pm when suddenly my waters broke. Initially I thought I'd peed in my pants. In fact, for one ridiculous moment I was thinking that maybe something really wrong has happened to my spinal cord, why else would I be peeing without any sensation of wanting to pee? Come to think of it, I'd rather it be pee than what it turned out to be.

I went to clean myself in the loo but the fluid kept trickling - it didn't smell like urine, it was clear and void of smell. Then it struck me that it could be my amniotic fluid. I rushed to the labour room to get a change of clothes and did a rough scan. It revealed that I barely had any fluid around my fetus. I had to call my colleague to look at a retained placenta and she did a scan on me. Same findings. I was only able to sleep at 4 and when I woke up at half 6, I called Abg. In between sobbing I told him what happened so he came right away. Called Ma who could barely understand what I was saying but knew instantly something was really wrong.

We went to see a specialist in Perdana, Dr Awang Nila who was very nice about it. He didn't beat around the bush when he admitted that the chances of the baby surviving is slim. I'd told myself not to cry but the tears kept coming. Abg was devastated, I know. I think he was even more excited about the impending arrival even more than I was.

So now I'm on complete bed rest and antibiotics for the rest of the week. Last time I scanned the fetal heart was still beating but the condition doesn't look good. My amniotic fluid doesn't seem to be replenishing itself. I'm no longer leaking but I suppose it's because I no longer have anything to leak.

Abg has been my pillar of strength; I suppose it'd be ridiculous if both of us had a mental breakdown. I'm just taking each day as it comes. I suppose I have been lucky; at least I had 16 weeks of experiencing something I had thought I'd never go through. Allah must have something else planned for me for only He knows best.