Empty

I don't know how many times I've come back to this page and stared at the blinking cursor, not knowing what or why or how to start.


For a while, all I wanted was an end. A conclusion. A finality so that I can finally get on with my life.

Now that that is here, I find myself facing an emptiness.


I woke up in the wee hours of the morning today; somewhat soothed by the snoring of Abg who is lying uncomfortably on the cleopatra sofa in my room. I am awashed by the amount of love and patience that this man have showered on me and as the memories of events that passed in the last few days come flooding back, again I find tears rolling slowly down my cheeks.

My baby was a perfect, healthy baby boy. Abg and I was sure we were having a girl; if the situation was otherwise, I'm sure both of us would be laughing at our silliness.

For a while I was just numb. For a while the outside world ceased to exist. But slowly it came back, weighted by this vast emptiness I am currently feeling.

It would be so easy to think that I am the only one grieving and some moments, the selfishness indeed grabs me but Abg has stood fast - patiently, quietly and I am shamed.

Perhaps it's not my time for the 'rezeki'. Until that time comes, I will be here - grieving but humbled and thankful.

Hopeless and helpless

I am losing my baby and there is nothing much I can do about it. I wonder if the feeling is akin to watching your kid drown slowly and you are just sitting there not doing anything? I hope no one will experience what I have gone through.

I was on call on Thursday when it happened. I was whizzing around clerking cases at about 11 pm when suddenly my waters broke. Initially I thought I'd peed in my pants. In fact, for one ridiculous moment I was thinking that maybe something really wrong has happened to my spinal cord, why else would I be peeing without any sensation of wanting to pee? Come to think of it, I'd rather it be pee than what it turned out to be.

I went to clean myself in the loo but the fluid kept trickling - it didn't smell like urine, it was clear and void of smell. Then it struck me that it could be my amniotic fluid. I rushed to the labour room to get a change of clothes and did a rough scan. It revealed that I barely had any fluid around my fetus. I had to call my colleague to look at a retained placenta and she did a scan on me. Same findings. I was only able to sleep at 4 and when I woke up at half 6, I called Abg. In between sobbing I told him what happened so he came right away. Called Ma who could barely understand what I was saying but knew instantly something was really wrong.

We went to see a specialist in Perdana, Dr Awang Nila who was very nice about it. He didn't beat around the bush when he admitted that the chances of the baby surviving is slim. I'd told myself not to cry but the tears kept coming. Abg was devastated, I know. I think he was even more excited about the impending arrival even more than I was.

So now I'm on complete bed rest and antibiotics for the rest of the week. Last time I scanned the fetal heart was still beating but the condition doesn't look good. My amniotic fluid doesn't seem to be replenishing itself. I'm no longer leaking but I suppose it's because I no longer have anything to leak.

Abg has been my pillar of strength; I suppose it'd be ridiculous if both of us had a mental breakdown. I'm just taking each day as it comes. I suppose I have been lucky; at least I had 16 weeks of experiencing something I had thought I'd never go through. Allah must have something else planned for me for only He knows best.

Still in pain but much much better..

Called Ma after suffering for three days. Initially wanted to ask if it's okay to rub oil on the tummy (dah tak makan, apa lagi, masuk angin la). She immediately membebel for leaving it for three days and made me promise to visit this mak bidan in Pasir Puteh.

So, I went today, accompanied by my Che' Ngoh. When we arrived at just before 9, already 3 people were waiting and as we waited for Mok Su to finish cooking, three other customers arrived. By the time she completed the first makcik, the compound of her house looked like a 'bekwah' (bekwah = kelantanese for kenduri) was going on.

Since the first makcik was too lethargic to walk into the room, I managed to see what Mok Su's magic was all about. Basically was she did was touch certain parts of your body and recite Quranic verses. She will then ask you to lie sideways and then perform similar acts on certain parts of your back. She will finish by patting you a few times on the back for 'pelepasan' (I think).

My turn came at about quarter to 11. She asked me what was wrong and I said I've been having really bad suprapubic pain. She touched my tummy and said 'it' had gone down too much and proceeded with whatever it is that she does. Then she told me to lie supine and in a pleased tone told me that everything is okay now - 'it' has gone up. 'It', I'm presuming is my uterus.

As skeptical as I am, I seriously did feel better afterwards. In fact, each step isn't accompanied by severe pain as it was before. Even travelling in the car wasn't as bad.

She gave me some 'air tawar' to drink at home and then proceeded to the next customer who carried a bling bling bag complete with Gucci sunglasses. People even brought babies to see her.

I'm hoping another day of rest will make me recover so that Dr Su who walks like she is in a rush all the time will be back gracing the covered walks of HTM.

The misery of being ill..

On a three-day MC and what am I doing blogging? Well, for starters, sitting is about the only position that I feel relatively pain free. Though occasionally waves of cramps do wash over the tummy and make me cringe.

Sleeping was mostly a nightmare. I kept waking up being 'lenguh' after sleeping in the right lateral position.

Walking is a pain fest with every step. As my nurses pointed out yesterday when I went to see our resident OBGYN, that I looked like someone in the pantang rather than before.

Got myself a course of antibiotics and panadol and Abg has boiled me barley to help with the presumed UTI. The pain is so bad that I'm actually considering getting myself warded....ho hum..

Worry wort me

I guess being in the medical profession doesn't really make one's pregnancy better. As I had said previously, maybe ignorance is bliss.

Many mother-to-bes are surprised when I tell them that abortions (or miscarriages if you prefer to call it that, since 'abortion' is actually a medical term, lay people usually relate abortion with unwanted pregnancies) are really quite common. I had read somewhere that 15% of pregnancies end up being miscarriages, sometimes occuring without the mother realising it. The body is somehow able to recognise severely defected genes and stop the pregnancy.

In the beginning of my own, I had worried myself out with so many possible outcomes. Perhaps I am a pessimistic, but I think I'm just being a realist. Some women will actually have a missed period and experience early pregnancy symptoms and even the UPT has turned out positive, but subsequent scans will show that the fetus has failed to develop, resulting in something we know as a blighted ovum. If the mother has not had bleeding, this is usually detected when the uterus has failed to progress size wise during antenatal check ups.

Even when the fetus has developed, at any stage of the pregnancy, can termination occur. Books say that once you are past the first trimester stage, the risk of abortion/miscarriage decrease significantly but I am still holding my breath as I have seen time and time again mothers at 15, even 17 weeks presenting with bleeding and subsequently abort.

Further on, there's the dangers of abnormally located placentas, premature labour, leaking your amniotic fluid, high blood pressure - and even if you manage to carry to term, then there's breech or abnormal lie, poor progress of labour and macam-macam lagilah!

Sigh. Worry wort me.

But, fear not, despite all that, I am keeping myself positive and taking each day as it comes. I never fail to be thankful for being able to go through this wonderful experience, whatever the outcome may be.

I'm entering week 15 tomorrow and I'm currently suffering from my first pregnancy related problems. I had travelled to KL to pay a visit to Ma. We had travelled the long way there, via Cameron Highlands but I guess the frequent stops had enabled me to stretch my legs. On the way back however, we had driven almost non stop for 5 and a half hours.

This morning, I had felt the beginnings of my discomfort but ignored it and went to work. The first part of the morning was clinic so I had mostly sat at the table. But the pain persisted, especially when I got up from the chair.

I went for a scan with my colleague and was relieved that baby is okay, in fact it was jumping happily all over the place, completely unaware of the pain I am going through. I got myself an MC and excused myself for the day. It still hurts (even more now) when I move, and even when I walk. It's like when you had pushed yourself doing sit ups and now your whole abdominal wall is sore when you laugh and try to get up from lying down? That's how it feels.

Anyhow, on my trip to KL, I broke one of the 'pantang larang's and bought myself my first baby stuff - a pair of mittens and booties and 2 caps - they were so cute and I couldn't resist myself! But I will behave and refrain from further purchases till much much later.