Empty

I don't know how many times I've come back to this page and stared at the blinking cursor, not knowing what or why or how to start.


For a while, all I wanted was an end. A conclusion. A finality so that I can finally get on with my life.

Now that that is here, I find myself facing an emptiness.


I woke up in the wee hours of the morning today; somewhat soothed by the snoring of Abg who is lying uncomfortably on the cleopatra sofa in my room. I am awashed by the amount of love and patience that this man have showered on me and as the memories of events that passed in the last few days come flooding back, again I find tears rolling slowly down my cheeks.

My baby was a perfect, healthy baby boy. Abg and I was sure we were having a girl; if the situation was otherwise, I'm sure both of us would be laughing at our silliness.

For a while I was just numb. For a while the outside world ceased to exist. But slowly it came back, weighted by this vast emptiness I am currently feeling.

It would be so easy to think that I am the only one grieving and some moments, the selfishness indeed grabs me but Abg has stood fast - patiently, quietly and I am shamed.

Perhaps it's not my time for the 'rezeki'. Until that time comes, I will be here - grieving but humbled and thankful.