Blessings

I consider myself as blessed. Other people might not think so. Some say I need to lose weight, others say my life isn't complete without a kid and previously, some think I should strive further than just be content with being a medical officer.

I AM happy. Sometimes I think I am too happy for my own good. I used to think again and again whether I am too content for my own good. I see friends achieving many things in their married life and career that once in a while regret will start to seep in and regret can be an evil evil thing, I personally think.

Regret can eat away at your soul and turn it the darkest of blacks and happiness may never drop by ever again.

Okay, I am being dramatic but surely life is too short for regrets. Afterall, no amount of regret can change what has been done, yes?

I don't want to be rich - though wealth is such a subjective matter. I just want to be comfortable and that means a roof over my head, an air conditioned room at nights and not scrutinizing the price of one brand of cereal over the other just to save a few cents.

When we started building our home, people loved asking how many rooms it has. I am surprised when many commented "Oh only three rooms? Why don't you build a house with more rooms?" - and more than one were actually disappointed by the size of it as they expected a couple of professionals like us to build mansions. The fact is, I don't NEED more than that, and the rooms that I do have is equivalent to two in your house anyway. As much as I love mopping the floor (in the Kuantan house, it seems like I am incessantly mopping the floor), I would like to maintain housekeeping at a manageable level and surely a small house would be easier to keep?

It used to be that people were concerned when we were not able to conceive after some time being married. I am lucky in the sense that to me, when they asked, it was with genuine sympathy rather than highlighting my 'defect' for the rest to see. I know now that some advice were in my best interest though perhaps at that time I was too preoccupied with my own insecurity to take it so.

Some say I should get help to get a child because Abg may leave me if I don't - and at times of dark depression and self doubt, I have given him the option to do so. But surely, my value as a woman doesn't lie solely on my ability to bear children? Would it be right for him to reject me as a wife just because of that one thing? Should Abg leave me because of this, then shouldn't it reflect badly on him as a person as well?

-and then what about those who have taken on a second wife despite having a beautiful, educated wife with many beautiful perfect kids? What are their excuses then?

More often than not, people like to see rezeki as having monetary value when in truth it is more than that - and it is amusingly so that people tend to label rezeki on things that they don't have rather than the things that they do.

No kids - takde rezeki lah tu.

Didn't get the job you want - takde rezeki lah tu.

So much so that people forget to see the rezeki that are so abundant around them - the ability to taste food, to be able to breathe easily, to sleep soundly at nights - getting home safely after a day's work, seeing your baby smile for the first time.

So, despite other people not seeing myself so, I believe that I am blessed.

Why can't we have this in Malaysia?

I am in the midst of planning my holiday abroad and have been booking hotel rooms, buying advance fares for trains - the usual things one would do when travelling.

There were a few instances when I thought - this would NEVER happen in Malaysia - especially when it comes to their customer service.

I had booked a room at a hotel a few weeks ago for a certain rate, after being assured that this was the 21-day advance super saver what not. Recently, for lack of something better to do, I dropped by and made a mock booking at this same hotel chain and was surprised that the advance rate has dropped by about 25%!

Of course, I understood that hotels have the right to set the rates according to the projected occupancy but I personally thought that it was unfair to me as I had done my booking well in advance. I would have understood if they said there was nothing they could do but I thought there was nothing I could lose in asking.

So I did - I emailed the manager and asked if they would consider giving me the cheaper rate as I had booked so much earlier. Afterall, if I had known this would happen, I would have left all the room bookings till much later. The reply came about a week later and he actually gave me the cheaper room rate!

The next instance concerned train travel - I had bought advance fares for travel from Liverpool to York but then discovered that we would have to delay the trip for a few hours. The website states that no refund can be given for advance tickets but for a fee, one may change the date and time. What they would do is give you a refund for the old tickets after you had purchased the new tickets. The two ways that you would be able to do this was by calling the help line or turning up at the train station.

Now, these websites usually would have chat lines for people to ask questions in real time. I immediately contacted one of the officers and asked whether I would be able to do this via the online chat?

She then rattled on about how this can be done by phone yada yada yada - and I was telling her that the cost of a phonecall would probably not make it worth my while and if I leave it till when I am in the UK, there wouldn't be any cheap advance fares left so I might as well forget about getting some money back and just purchase a fresh set of tickets.

She duly agreed and I was about to disconnect and was saying thank you when she suddenly said, However, as a gesture of goodwill - if you can purchase your new tickets and give me the reference number for this new trip, I would be able to put in a request for a refund for your old ticket.

I was speechless with shock for about 2 minutes not believing my good luck and proceeded to do as she had suggested. She even waited online as I completed the transaction. So instead of losing GBP33 and spending a further GBP27 for the new tickets, I managed to get a refund of GBP13, making the cost of my two new tickets only GBP14. On top of that, she said I would be able to get my money back by the end of this month.

I am still waiting for my airport tax refund from a certain airline after 5 months of emailing back and forth.

So how about that?

When it is not fated...

I was at a hardware store in Selayang Bharu recently to buy paint when my ears caught the sound of pitiful mewing nearby.

Abg was in the midst of a conversation with me when he noticed that I was not paying attention. I just pointed out quickly which ones I liked best and went out to look for the kitten.

It was a tiny little thing - a tabby about 6 weeks old - and it was hiding behind the back tyre of the car which was parked by the road side across the street from the shop. I tried to persuade it to come out but it just looked at me with sad eyes and continued mewing.

It sounded like it was looking for mummy cat. I hear it all the time with my kittens. The difference is, with my kittens usually mummy would be running in a flash but no mummy came for this little one.

It wandered out as soon as I left and I looked at it looking around the rubbish dump. I crossed the road again and again it hid under the car.

We even tried to coax it into coming out with a handful of keropok - but all we managed was get weird stares from the barbershop across the road. We left after a few minutes - it was not the kitten's rezeki to be rescued by us, I guess.

Keep well little kitty, and be safe.

Dust covered snippets of my life

Recently I was going through a box of stuff which I had brought over from Ma's house. As I opened every single dust covered envelope and card, I was transported back about 20 years ago. Every word brought back a different memory, a different stage of my life, someone I knew quite well but not anymore - even moments I thought I never had.

How could I have forgotten these bits and snippets of my life? Every single one of those people and memories made me who I am today.

The boy with the green canvas bag whom I would look at longingly everytime he passes by my class - every Saturday I would listen to his voice as he shouts commands at the cadet team that he was in; it would be the same voice that could recite Quran verses so beautifully as he leads the girls in jemaah prayers during the fasting month.

The lanky Indian boy who would make it his life calling to come over and ask how I did in my English tests because before I came, he was number one and suddenly this girl who just transferred from Sarawak is beating him. He can be annoying as hell and was made fun of constantly by the rempit Malay boys in my class but we became friends eventually and I am sure he is doing well nowadays.

My senior roommates were three girls who were as different as chalk and cheese yet made us feel so welcomed. I had a roommate who cried every single night for at least a month, apparently having never been away from her mother. She is now a teacher, happily married with at least four kids. I don't think she has any separation issues nowadays.

I remember peeking mischievously through the curtain windows at 'baju melayu'-clad boys as they pass by on the way for Friday prayers, - I am now almost 100% sure that the shouts of 'Kantoi skodeng!' was just acts of random, and not because they really saw us doing it.

I must have been a fair senior in the second year of maktab, judging from the amount of cards I got and kept. I had never understood the concept of seniority and how that gave you special privileges and had never practiced it myself. Of course, I was never pretty enough or daring enough to be considered a threat and I basically kept a low profile and concentrated on my studies so I was never called into a senior's room for the purpose of being 'taught a lesson'.

But, I am making a presumption. When we were juniors, we would hear about girl A or girl B being called to see a certain senior allegedly for making eyes at a certain male senior. Occasionally it was because her school sarung was way too short or that she had failed to wear a chemise that her bra was showing. But it was all hearsay - I was never close with girls like A and B and have never cared if what I heard was true but this was what everyone was saying at that time.

At school I was the serious one. I looked at lessons as a way of venting out my feelings, if you could call it that. We moved around a lot and sometimes would end up in less than desirable schools - I don't regret it, as I said, every single experience made me the person I am today - and doing well in lessons gave me options to bring myself out of it. Though I have to admit, learning did not come hard to me - I enjoyed reading and learning so I never found it a chore.

Being in maktab gave me the opportunity to put down roots, it gave me a sense of belonging. I represented college with pride even when we lost in the 2nd round. I had the most wonderful friendship - we shared joy, tears, anxiety and laughter and sorrow. Those two years were among the best times of my life.

So, I went through every card and every small token I was given and smiled as each brought back a different memory. I try to remember every single person who passed by my life and made it what it is now and I wish them well.

I just want what is mine

It may be just money, but after months of numerous emails and phonecalls, I am finally getting back what is mine.

Some people may give up, saying it isn't worth the hassle. Some just accept it as how things are done but no, no one should be allowed to take your money! and especially not because of them being lazy and inefficient.

The bank I had applied a loan from to buy a property had been very late in processing several payments to the developer, which resulted in me being charged late interest. I pay the bank on time, on the dot first of each month, is it too much for me to expect the same from the bank?

I don't think so.

Today, I got my money back. The amount isn't important, it's the principles.

Seriously...

...if you really think about it, we live in such a screwed up world.

The older I get, the more aware I am of how screwed up we are. When I was younger, all I wanted was to finish my homework, not make a fool of myself in front of the school crush and see my friends. Perhaps there was more to that but age has given me selective memory storage it seems. I am sure life was as complicated then than it is now.

I woke up early today and read about yet another celebrity getting divorced. I hate reading about divorces. Maybe 'hate' isn't the right word. 'Amused' would be conceived as cold hearted; 'sad' may be thought of as me being dense - divorces are such a normal occurrence now that sometimes I don't see the point of people getting married.

I like attending weddings - they symbolise love, happiness, hope and a new beginning. Weddings give me a warm and fuzzy feeling inside, nothing to do I'm sure with being overfed with nasi minyak and ayam masak merah. I look at the newly married couple and I remember how excited I was that I now get to go home with Abg at the end of the day. When I thought of my wedding - it isn't how beautiful the hantarans were or how many came but I remember thinking, 'I will never be alone now.'

I send the newlyweds with silent prayers that their marriage will always be blessed with as much love and joy - I hope that they remember how much they loved each other on their wedding day, though it may not seem that way when things are bad.

As simplistic and as naive as that may sound, being 8 years ago and not knowing what may happen; some will say 'you still don't know what is going to happen in the future, woman' - I felt extremely comforted at knowing that Abg has taken a vow to be with me no matter what and where. Eight years ago, I looked at him and truly believed that we would grow old together, no matter how badly he snored or how fat I got.

Anyway, how can a beginning filled with such joy and love end so easily? What went wrong? What is it that our grandparents and their parents have that make them endure 30, 40 years of marriage? Is getting married serving a different purpose than it used to?

On the other hand, I would totally support divorce in a marriage that involves any form of abuse, of course.

Have we become too independent for our own good?

What I did today

Look, I understand parking at any hospital is horrendous. At least patients only have to endure it once every few weeks or months - God knows if our government had more sense and plan efficient shuttle services to hospitals maybe it can help, but that is another story - we have to deal with it on a daily basis.

Hence, I've resorted to driving to work while it's still dark in order to snap up that coveted space - which is not my story.

I cannot however tolerate idiots who park inconsiderately that you are now blocking other people. At least leave a note lah - or else I will leave a note for you, ada faham?

What is it....

...about Malaysians and their obsession with shopping?

Seriously.

Bandung - shopping.

Jakarta - shopping.

Bangkok - shopping.

Jogja - shopping and okay lah, maybe Borobudur.

Solo - shopping.

Chiang Mai - shopping.

London - also shopping?!

Seriously?

Kalau nak shopping, tak yah g London - you can save your flight ticket fare and just shop at KLCC. Setakat nak beli shopping bag Harrods....

These are my nieces and nephews. I love them to bits. More so because I get to pretend at being a parent when I see them, yet don't have to worry about whether the expensive gift I get them may be psychologically scarring them for life. Kids may say they hate their mummies and daddies when they are upset; I don't think I have heard any say they hate Mak Long, especially one as cool as me!

I get to enjoy them when they are happy and smiling and don't have to bear any temper tantrums or migraine-inducing screaming fits or even silent sulks. Being an aunt rocks!

p/s: Denny is now recuperating at home. He split his lower jaw and has broken both his incisors but at least he's ok.

Monday Blues indeed

I very rarely leave my food unfinished. I guess you can tell by the state of my physical shape, haha. When I go to buffets, I take just a little bit of everything that I wanted to taste and go for seconds if I feel like it. Hence, minimal wastage.

However, this morning, I took three spoonfuls of my laksam and left the shop hungry. It was a sorry excuse for what the dish is supposed to be and the person who made it must have never had a proper laksam in her/his life.

Sometimes, when the dish is bad, I still force myself to finish it, because I think of all the pakcik petani and pakcik penternak and makcik penjual and makcik tukang masak and nothing justifies me wasting this rezeki but that laksam wannabe was just vile.


On a sad note, this is Denny's face this morning as I was getting ready to go to work.



He was fine last night. I am not too sure what happened to him; he's gotten into fights before but never to this extent. His nostrils are clotted with blood that he's breathing through his blood crusted mouth. His face is all swollen and there is an area of skin loss on his chin.

Was he run over by a motorbike or did he fall and hit his face somewhere? He seems to be able to walk so I don't think he has any fractures.

Alahai anak aku.....

Bleurgh

I am currently doing an attachment in another department for 11 weeks. While it may be refreshing to not be doing calls for the next 2 months plus, there is something intolerable about being functionless.

At least in my own department, I knew where I am supposed to be and what I am supposed to do. Boredom is a terrible way to pass the time.

Bliss is....

Sleeping with 'daddy' on a pile of freshly laundered clothes.

Jalan-jalan Pekan-Rompin

I love road trips. There is an excitement which is hard to describe, in going through small 'kampungs' and discovering hidden treasures.

During the recent three-day weekend, we decided we would spend it in Kuantan, having gone back to KL the last two, and just thinking about driving to Kelantan was enough to exhaust me.

Since we're only about 40km from Pekan, I googled things to do there. Almost all the websites mentioned decent-enough sites like the Royal Palace, Sultan Abu Bakar museum and the Water Transport museum.

So off we went, cruising along the 4 lane road (passing only a handful of other vehicles, tau la nak pergi Pekan DiRaja kannn) - and in 20 mins we had arrived!


Pintu gerbang pun ada payung


One of the mosques in Pekan




and this was what greeted us:




How come no one bothered to update the tourist information sites that the museum is undergoing renovation? Hel-lo....?


View down the road from the under renovation museum

and across the road, the Watercraft gallery looked interesting enough - on the notice board, it says opening times 9.30 am.


Badly maintained tourist site in Pekan (Royal Town some more!)

It was about 10.45am when we were there and the gate was securely locked, complete with rusted chains.


Locked gates

Undeterred, we drove around the almost -unpopulated town, went round the Palace and the Polo Club.



Gates of the Palace

I especially like this very old building - old building makes me sad, I wonder what history comes with it, but the gates are locked and there are no notices to explain what this building is. Abg tells me it's the tombs for the Royal Family.

**further googling has revealed that this is Sultan Abdullah Mosque next to the Royal Tombs


Royal Tombs, apparently


Severely disappointed but still cheerful, we decided to drive further down to Rompin - apparently it's famous for 'udang galah's.

From Pekan just before you reach Rompin, on your right is an R&R with a prawn shaped statue. There are about 4-6 shops there, all selling the specialty dish.


'Udang' shaped statue, see...?



Anyone who can correctly name the price of these babies gets a mystery gift!


I think it is safe to say that we won't be running back to this makan place.

and finally, stopped by this stretch of road where there are several stalls set up selling pickled fruits, apparently locally made in Muadzam Shah. Bought a small jar of 'buah salak' [snake fruit] and 'sengkuang'. Discovered the salak pickle to be rotten when we got home. Ah well.




I love road trips.

Digging a hole in the rain

Six cats in three weeks.

I am never rescuing strays ever.

It must be that scrawny yellow tabby who came meowing for food. I noted that my younger kittens started to get sick after that. We didn't see him for quite a while when he suddenly appeared at my door last night, pathetically thin, drooling at the mouth, tail crusted with dried feces. His eyes were almost completely shut by the discharge, he was meowing pitifully but I could not risk my older cats getting what he has.

He was still under my car this morning, and still on the porch this afternoon and already dead by the time I got home.

A dead cat always makes me sad - even when it's not my own.

So, even with the drizzle outside, I took the 'cangkul' and dug a shallow grave for the nameless cat.

I learnt that the 'cangkul' isn't built for digging graves. After about 10 minutes of digging (I wonder what the neighbours were thinking, this baju kurung-clad lady huffing and a puffing digging a hole in the rain at dusk), I placed him in it and buried him when I noticed his two hind feet were protruding through the soil. I managed to redistribute the soil so the whole cat is covered.

May you rest in comfort, yellow one.

Rest in peace sweetheart - you will be sorely missed.

Post tak puas hati

This morning in the ward, a bunch of innocent looking chaps were lounging around, occasionally being led by sister looking at god knows what - later I was informed that they were future medical students, waiting to be flown overseas for their education.

As they were leaving, they thanked one of my housemen for showing them around and I was tempted to say, "Remember to come home after you finish - you are there on Rakyat's money - jangan perasan nak jadi mat saleh" but of course I didn't. It must be the age but I am finding that I am much better at keeping my mouth shut nowadays.

I reckon the government should just save their money and just let all students study locally. Bila dah study overseas, rasa macam bagus, that you are not good enough to work at home. Crap.

Some say, when sponsored to study overseas, the first thing that they try to find out is, apart from where the nearest halal meat store is, how they can stay permanently. Patut la Malaysia is the way she is. Dah la ahli politik tak berapa cerdik, rakyat selfish, pentingkan diri.

Crap.

Loss

Tell me again why I let myself get attached to my pets - all I wanted to do is make sure they have enough to eat and not sleep in the rain but when they die, all I can think about is how they would play at my feet and get on top of us whenever we're watching tv. All it takes is a crumpled ball of paper, and they are entertained for hours.

They would never let a debilitating condition keep them down. As long as they are fed and warm, they are happy.

I don't know what happened but once in a while we would have an outbreak of viral infection and my cats will die at such a rapid rate that I am left helpless.

After 4 dying in quick succession, now two of my constant companions while I was stressed out with exams preparation aren't feeling too well. All I can do is keep them warm with hot water bottles and keep them hydrated and hope they are strong enough to weather through the worst.

Bliss is....

...checking in into a hotel, ordering room service and knowing that you REALLY don't have anything to do but to take it easy.

My friend said, he went home after getting the results, (he had passed by the way) and felt empty because for once in a long while, he didn't have to hit the books and make sure he knew the differences between the three types of muscles. It had actually felt weird. I, for one, (call me strange) had wanted to keep on studying!

The exams had been pretty straighforward. Unlike the exit exams which would require the candidate to have read beyond the recommended text, the entrance exam (we call it Part 1) basically tested how much you know the fundamentals. I had dreaded Anatomy - for the life of me, I still can't tell the difference between the intrinsic muscles of the hand! One takes one hand for granted; until you work in a hospital which is a Hand centre and you will never look at it the same way.

With hindsight - despite all the tears and frustrations and threatening to quit 'once and for all' - it was all worth it, just to say 'I passed' - and there had been MANY times when I came this close to throwing in the towel. If not for my wonderful wonderful colleagues, I think I would have done it. Just knowing that someone else felt the same way was enough.

To all future candidates, I cannot stress enough how important having a study group is. If I had to write it a million times, I will. It isn't just the studying, but the support system it provides. Just knowing that other people too felt crap was comforting. Of course, it helps heaps if they turn out to be the best group in the world. Seriously, I wouldn't have wished for a better group of mad mad people.

Mad because we had actually voluntarily put ourselves through it! Mad!

However, jokes aside - with everything now water under the bridge, I am glad I persevered. I wouldn't have been able to look at myself in the mirror if I had chickened out and quit before I knew how far I could go.

I know this sounds like a cliche, but SERIOUSLY, if I made through it, then ANYONE can.....

and now what....

I can't remember the last time I felt like vomiting, having to PU and BO (that's a number 1 and a number 2 respectively, in English, hehe) at the same time and it was not good.

Why and a thousand more WHYs came and passed unanswered. I vowed to get myself out of this, I must have been mad to even think I could.

But when the good news came, I had to ask my HOD to say it again, just in case, you know, all that lack of sleep had made me delirious. The fact that not everyone made it put a damper on the celebratory mood and of course Abg's the first person I called.

Syukur Alhamdulillah. So this old hag still has it in her, huh.

So now what? Will I be able to do this all over again in 3 and a half years?

Crap crap....

crappity crap.

Why did I put myself through this?

Ah well, terima je lah......padan muka sape suruh buat sangat.....