Isn't that a sick thing for a doctor to say?
*sigh*
I think my work is poisoning me.
I used to look forward to coming to work and talking to my patients.
Lately, all I see are MC hungry opportunists and people who can't be bothered to take care of themselves but expect medications (which they don't even take properly) to sort everything out.
I have become sullen, unfriendly and curt because there are 300 patients to see and sometimes there is only me and the MA. and I feel terrible because I know I have become a terrible doctor and the worst thing is, I feel I am trapped here.
I feel helpless because sometimes I make decisions which are basically based on nothing - a trial and error of random medications that I hope would help with the symptoms and hope that it doesn't make it worse.
I had my migraine attack today. In fact, it started the day before when I had to escort an 800 grammer which was delivered at half 6 in the morning during my on call period. Dgn baju on call yang selebet and bau busuk tak mandi I went all the way to HRPZ II to hand over the case to the Peads Head of Dept who was in charge of NICU. Headache persisted the next morning as I started to see patients.
When the father of the patient suddenly shouted at the daughter, I was stupified. I had just inquired if the daughter could talk (hey, she could be 'bisu', kan? and then where would I be?). A moment later he was ranting about how unprofessional I am and how that I should leave my 'keserabutan' at home and not bring it to work. Hello, you are the one who suddenly shouted to your daughter and you are calling me serabut?????
and if I COULD leave work as you say I should have done, I would have, ok? and then where would that leave you?
*sigh*
Could I cite work related stress if I wanted to take unpaid leave? Because I am seriously considering this. I have become a bad doctor and I need to be inspired by my work again.
*sigh*
What kind of a doctor gets sick of the sick....?
3 comments:
Docyana,
I can relate how you feel. Share the same feeling. In fact, many staff nurses have commented how I "sigh" so many times.
How not to? Doing rounds early in the morning, checking tedious stuff...but at the end of the day tulis tak serupa bikin. Ordered IVD , but till evening iv canulla pun tak dipasang lagi ( by HO/SN ). Another pt ordered run 2 pint NS stat, no NS available in ward- nurse had to go to another ward to find NS then left them on the table! Air also left going in the dripset after running one pint. Another pt ordered potassium 1g in each pint, no was potassium added when checked during evening rounds. Another patient septic, ordered antibiotics at 10am, till 3pm also not served...plus lots of other rantings.
Why oh why am I doing BD ward rounds??? what's the point!!!! I might as well do EOD rounds right!
If I am to do everything myself, then the patients waiting in the clinics would not be seen. Nobody else sees them.
Sigh...sigh...sigh
Disillusioned with the system, the work, lost my passion for medicine. Waking up in the mornings has become a chore.
and hey ever noticed how difficult it is for doctors to get MC? Patients senang-senang demand long MC's for minor ailments...but doctors getting MC will be viewed with utmost suspicion.
Thought of switching careers but then easier said than done.
I longed for a long leave...but then unpaid leave means no $$ and nak makan apa?
Looking for some inspiration at the moment...
You are not alone....
Dragonfly....
How comforting it is to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way....
I've always known the job would be hard and life as a doctor would never be called easy (yes, even when you're a big shot consultant) and I don't particularly mind the pay (but i guess that's because I don't have kids and less financial burden) but never was I prepared nor warned about the disillusionment or how jaded I would feel 5 years down the line....
I envy the fresh faced, eager medical graduates because I still remember what it was like. I was excited, every day brought a new experience which I savoured like a lost nomad in the Saharan desert finding an oasis...
Dear Docyana,
Your title sick of the sick caught my eye ;)
I remember the days when I first graduated and did housemanship. I did EOD calls for 2 months ! But life was pretty fun then despite the work. Colleagues were fun, nurses were good.
Then, down the line as an MO, life was worst off but tolerable. One can see the deterioration. Good nurses have disappeared, leaving young inexperienced ones- those that tells me they chose nursing becoz it is the easiest available job, with job security despite SPM qualifications. Not to mention nowadays most of the "nursing care" are being done by student nurses! Can you imagine pt's ventilated being attended and endotracheal suction done by student nurses!! Sorry not meant to be nurse bashing- but it is a fact and I don't like it but then again when did doctors have jurisdiction over nurses? Whenever something not right is pointed out, the answer is Iya lah, betul tu"..or something to that effect " but the same thing repeats itself later on. ( In some places, junior doctors are virtually "slaves" to the nurses ) Now, even a nurse can be the Hospital Director...
Not to mention the HO's today which are less than ideal ( won't comment further )
Then down the line I became a clinical specialist - life has became worst. Ironic isn't it? The higher you go the worst it becomes... I find it puzzling many ppl think life becomes easy once one becomes a specialist.
You are practically alone- you feel the heavier responsibility, you are answerable to everything. Medicolegal implications becomes more of a reality than a distant possibility. The buck stops here. ( Not like HOs- once you inform your MO, you're off the hook hehehe )
I'm still hanging on to the last threads of my ideals and just do my job...and do whatever I can within my means, the rest...I don't know. Self satisfaction of making the correct diagnosis and seeing pts walking home is my only savior which on and off gave me some inspiration to continue....
Money has never been a top consideration- I think this holds true for most doctors. Ppl leave the service not just for the money. I believe frustration with the system, the pointless bereaucracy and the never improving and non- remediable problems. How to maju? Problems 5 years ago still persists till today with no solution in sight- even simple things like tak cukup kertas !!!!! ( I was thinking , can't I just swap a vial of meropenem for a year's supply of paper? Alas things don't work out that way in the public srvice...)
I hope to find some inspiration to continue my "pointless" BD ward rounds and reflect back on my passion earlier on :)
I suppose this is a journey, perhaps a test by god almighty. And one might see the light at the end of the tunnel in later life....I don't know. But one thing is for sure...it takes a lot from a person emotionally and physically to continue.
Regards.
Post a Comment