The 13th Warrior?

Had a visit to the vet today. Vet wasn't in but was attended to by a student vet (assumption based on the UPM t shirt she was wearing) who impressed me.

Che'mot whom I found loitering at the labour room haven't been well. Despite being given the best food, he had never put on weight. But I was not worried before because he was still eating and playing as only Che'Mot would - Che'Mot is the moody and reclusive type, unlike my other baby Che'Lan who jumps all over the place like nobody's business - but the past week he began to look almost cachectic. I wanted to get him to the vet earlier but he improved slightly in the middle of the week.

The student vet suggested antibiotics and some vitamin paste which I've already started to give. As a last resort I bought a can of Prescription Diet which is supposed to promote healing and provide energy. He seemed to be receptive to it but he still looks very lethargic.

But anyway, as we were waiting for the student vet to finish up with Che'Mot, this little 'warrior' came scrambling out. Abg who thought it belonged to the store/animal hospital alerted the shop assistant but apparently little kitty was found abandoned there this morning.

As much as I detest people who throw away unwanted kittens (hel-lo? Haven't you heard of the concept of family planning?) at least I have to give the person some credit for letting lil kitten go at a place where it might be taken care of instead of being splashed with hot water or smacked with a broom.






Okay, she might not look much now but wait till the eye discharge and swelling resolves and the skin infection clears up.....she will be a beauty, I'm sure.

I said to Abg that this will be the last stray we rescue - there's just not enough space - but Abg just rolled his eyes in mock amusement.

What do you think?

Unease

I had one of those days when it ended with a feeling of unease. I hate it when that happens.

Recently I wanted to treat some of my staff to a meal. As the clinic progressed, I was asking whether there was anywhere particularly nice to eat. Anyhow, they then admitted that they were having a pot luck of sorts but if I insisted on buying, the gesture is always welcome.

So, I handed my staff an amount of money and told her to get item A and B. We had lunch and later that afternoon, my staff handed me the balance. I didn't even think twice about it until I got home. I did some calculations and there was no way that item A+B could amount to the money that was spent. So I asked my staff to show me the receipt.

I got the receipt this morning and was taken aback when there was item C, D and 3 x item E and furthermore, the balance that was returned to me was short! Okay, I didn't mind that so much because item C ended up being shared among us but only one of the three of item E ended up on the table and there was no sign at all of item D!

So, apakebendanya nie?! I didn't want to make a fuss - so I quietly had a talk with my staff. She said she had asked one of the other staff to get the food as the rest were busy assisting with the morning clinics. According to her, she had no idea that the other person had decided to get the extra items.

I told her that the issue here isn't the money. I don't care about the money but I DO care about having some respect for your superior (especially since the staff who had gone on the errand had barely any direct contact with me before) and I DO care about honesty. Do have some decency to ASK before making your own decision especially when it's not your money that you are spending.

I told her that I am telling her this because she directly works with me every week and I know that she would understand what I am getting to. I also added that she was not to spread this around as there might be a tendency for the rest to misunderstand my point.

Sheesh, I hate having squabbles over money....people tend to be so sensitive when it comes to issues regarding moolah.....kan??

*sigh* - So the feeling of unease remains.....

I'd rather talk about my cats than work, thanks!

Work has been very ......puzzling.

Yes, it is an unusual word to use but I am finding the transition of HTM from a district hospital to a hospital with specialists very confusing.

Rather than go into details and run the risk of being interrogated by my bosses, I shall now begin by writing about Fizzy.

When we found Fizzy, we had just lost one of the small kittens left in a box in front of our house. Actually, a pair was left in the box, mewing their lungs out in the shrubbery. One of them survived to about 6 months of age before being knocked down by motorbike riding school kids. We then started to keep them in until after the morning rush has subsided.

Anyway, I remember that it was the fasting month and it was drizzling. We had just visited Abg's uncle at HM and wanted to stop by at the Pasar Ramadhan. A silver Waja drove out of a space and Abg wanted to park there when I saw a ball of greyish fur huddled there. I quickly jumped (can you imagine me JUMPING? No? Then maybe jumping isn't the right word to use here, haha) out of the car and picked grey ball of fur up.

A shopkeeper was amused by my antics and I asked her if kitten belonged to her and she said no. We left grey kitten in the car while we went shopping and he has been living with us since.







Fizzy grew attached to another kitten we had who was about the same age - Fifi. They would go on walks together (berderat, as we say it here), eat together, play and sleep together. Alas, Fifi was knocked down a motorbike. Abg actually thought it was someone else's cat until he saw the red collar.



So nowadays, Fizzy is more or less a loner. Bubu gets into his mood swings more often nowadays but at least they can still sleep on the same bed. Fizzy sleeps with us too, by the way. There were times when we would find nice brown lumps, usually at the corner near the wardrobe, behind my printer but luckily findings like that have been almost non existant now.



Because Fizzy is younger than Bubu, occasionally he gets bullied by Bubu but actually Fizzy is more of the machoman compared to Bubu. He would catch mice and play with it to his heart's content. I find that the younger cats look up to Fizzy like the elder brother and just loves to follow him around.



Fizzy has a white spot on his back. I'd like to think it as his special thing. He has grown really heavy the past few weeks.







This is Fizzy's I-can't-believe-you-are-taking-my-pic-while-I'm-trapped-here face.



Sometimes, when Bubu isn't around or when he is nice enough to let someone share his perch on top of the wardrobe, Fizzy likes to climb up as well.

Tales of my cats...

Apparently some of my colleagues have gotten hold of my blog and are actually reading the nonsense I am writing.....hello you-know-who-you-people are!! Hahaha...

So, that means I can't write about my colleagues (tapi I tak pernah mengumpat korang okeyyy) and I certainly can't write (badly) about my boss (haha) and my patients (and their relatives) sometimes don't warrant my time tapping away on the keyboard with my crappy Slowmyx connection.

I have 12 cats to date - I know! How did they get to be so many?; if I were single, I'd probably be known as the crazy cat lady who ended up dead and her cats made a feast of her body. Urgh.

Bubu is my 'anak sulung'. It was last August when I found him loitering around the OPD, all thin and scruffy. Seriously, he was so 'comot'.



Didn't I say he was scruffy? He was very vocal back then - we wanted to train Bubu to do his business in the bathroom so at nights, we would lock him up. He would be mewing his lungs out till he fell asleep. It worked, though. Bubu sleeps with us on the bed and will always poo where he is supposed to.



Bubu has the nicest personality when he was growing up. Being the only cat in the house at that time, he was very attached to us yet he was equally welcoming to the other members of the family. People would carry him around, and he wouldn't mind. Kids could be yanking at his tail and he wouldn't care.



Bubu grew up (and out) wonderfully under our care. He lost his emaciated look and became a handsome cat indeed. His tail surprised us the most - we never thought it would become so fluffy!



Bubu is about a year old now. I am planning to neuter him soon but just couldn't find the time. Apparently cats get fatter and become healthier after 'snip snip' but currently he's still well behaved - none of that peeing on the wall business - but I HAVE seen him on 'dates' with the female cats around and he has been getting into fights with the other tom cats.



Bubu loves to sleep. All he does is sleep, eat, sleep some more, eat some more and sleep. He would go for his daily rounds outside at about 8 at night but would always come back in time for bedtime with us. Yes, Bubu sleeps with us on the bed, in the air conditioned room.



Occasionally when he gets tired of the bed, he would climb unto the wardrobe and sleep there.






This is Bubu's will-you-please-stop-taking-pictures-please face. and Yes, he was sleeping at that time. Hence the pissed off face.



I still can't get him to catch mice though. Despite his gentle nature, Bubu is a scaredy cat. In fact, I think the term 'scaredy cat' was probably created for Bubu. He's especially afraid of the vacuum cleaner, will run a mile once we switch it on.

The thing I look forward most at the end of a work day (apart from seeing Abg, of course) is to watch my cats. As most cat lovers will tell you, each one has a personality of their own. Just like kids and as long as I haven't got any and even after I have my own, my cats will be my kids.....

Next - Fizzy..

Insomnia

When I was younger - I think I was about 8 at that time - I went through a phase of insomnia. Try as I might, I just couldn't sleep unless I was in the same room as Ma. I wasn't sure why or what had triggered it but whenever I tried sleeping with my sis, I would pester her to talk to me or tell stories just so that she wouldn't fall asleep before I did.

It was as if I couldn't bear to be left alone when everyone else had gone to dreamland.

One night I dragged my pillow and just sat outside Ma's room. I remember looking at the cuckoo clock on the wall and it was half one in the morning and I just sat there. Waiting for Ma to open the door. I didn't cry, I didn't even knock on her door - I just sat there in silence. Eventually Ma came out, I think she had to go to the kitchen or something. I don't remember if she scolded me but I went into her room and laid myself on the mattress on the floor at the foot of the bed and happily went to sleep.

I remember feeling so safe and contented and I remember it was the best feeling in the world that night.

Lately I have been having that same unsettled, niggling fear. I would feel restless as I hear Abg slowly drifting off to sleep. A part of me wanted to wake him up and ridiculously wanted to make him talk to me just as I had made Yanie tell stories to me just so she wouldn't fall asleep first all those years ago.

Spending the week at home with Ma had been calming. I thought I had passed the crying-at-the-drop-of-the-hat phase. I thought I was ready to go home and resume my life. But as I sit here, I am again dreading the night. I feel like the little kid who is quaking in fear for the bogeyman in the closet.

Perhaps it is the room and the bed and the memories that comes with it. I keep flashing back to everything that has happened in the last 4 months - when I was full of hope and overjoyed with the miracle - and the last few weeks when there were uncertainty and tears.

I know I must let it go - but does it have to be so hard?

My current wishlist...

I have one of these (in yellow-black, don't ask why)...


and I have one of these also...



and now I really want a pair of these (for some strange reason, Crocs Ikano doesn't stock Black-Black, they only have silver-lavender, choc-cotton candy and bronze-bronze)..



Despite what some people are ranting (check out I Hate Crocs dot com ) - I find them seriously comfortable. I walk a lot and my Sassari makes me feel like I'm walking on air! (Believe me when I say that THAT is a mammoth task! Haha)

I went to Ikano yesterday ('berpantang' at home can be really taxing when you don't have a baby to show for it...) to clear the cobwebs in my head and had tried on a pair of the Cyprus. Ala......it was love at first fit.....*sigh* but love reduced significantly when I looked at the price - RM209 okay!??!

But I haven't found myself sated with other shoes since getting my Sassari. My Clarks and Primavera and Bata are just lying on the shoe rack accummulating dust.

So, shall I or shan't i?

Healing

Thank you for all the warm wishes. Believe it or not every single comment left here has helped with the grieving process.

Thank you.

I wonder....

if the grief ever goes away?

Empty

I don't know how many times I've come back to this page and stared at the blinking cursor, not knowing what or why or how to start.


For a while, all I wanted was an end. A conclusion. A finality so that I can finally get on with my life.

Now that that is here, I find myself facing an emptiness.


I woke up in the wee hours of the morning today; somewhat soothed by the snoring of Abg who is lying uncomfortably on the cleopatra sofa in my room. I am awashed by the amount of love and patience that this man have showered on me and as the memories of events that passed in the last few days come flooding back, again I find tears rolling slowly down my cheeks.

My baby was a perfect, healthy baby boy. Abg and I was sure we were having a girl; if the situation was otherwise, I'm sure both of us would be laughing at our silliness.

For a while I was just numb. For a while the outside world ceased to exist. But slowly it came back, weighted by this vast emptiness I am currently feeling.

It would be so easy to think that I am the only one grieving and some moments, the selfishness indeed grabs me but Abg has stood fast - patiently, quietly and I am shamed.

Perhaps it's not my time for the 'rezeki'. Until that time comes, I will be here - grieving but humbled and thankful.