Dearest Abg,

I've no doubt you will be reading this because when you think I am asleep, I see you reading my blog but somehow you will never say anything about the things I write. Consider this as part of my Raya gift for you this year. Though, I'm not really sure what the other part will consist of.

Thank you for wanting to spend the rest of your life with me. As you know, I am not an optimist and I do realise that other things may happen but as for now, for you to even decide 4 years+ ago that I am good enough for you to bear day in and day out is something I sometimes fail to comprehend. Heck, at times, I do not wish to be me!

Thank you for not minding when I am too lazy to iron your work clothes and too lazy to fold the mounting heap of laundry that you end up doing them instead. I know other husbands will give their wives a hard time but you do not. I do not take it for granted but daily I remind myself to do my best and berate myself often that my best isn't good enough. It is seriously tiring to come home post call and still be super wife and with this I salute those who do it (without BIBIK, okeyyyyy).

Thank you for putting up with my bordering-on-obsessive interest in rescuing every abandoned cat I see. When previously you might take a nap after coming home from work, now will have to be spent scooping clumps of poopoo and changing their water and kibbles. I love most sitting next to you watching the cats jump and run round around happily or when they brush their fur against our legs.

Thank you for never raising your voice to me no matter how exasperated you are with your wife's behaviour. I admit sometimes I go too far, wanting to test if your patience has any borders. So far it does not and I never want to see whether it has. Even when I get mad at you, it does not mean that I love you less.

Thank you for driving back to my parents house and never grumbling about it. Thank you for treating my siblings like your own when I have failed to do the same to yours. You know I do but I just show it poorly. Thank you for joining in our family activities and never once making it known that you're wishing you were back with your own.

Thank you for never making me feel bad about the way I look. I know I am not the most beautiful but you have never made me feel ugly.

Thank you for putting up my towel to dry everytime I am done with my shower. Thank you for warming up my car before I go to work. Thank you for ironing my tudung when I am running late. Thank you for all the small things that you do that you may not think is significant but it's these small things that I remember the most.

Thank you for being you.

Threatened Insanity

I think, one of my biggest fault is that I tend to speak before I weigh the pros and cons of what I am going to say. That, on top of my temper, is just a recipe for disaster.

Once a month, my oncall will be a 'jonah' one. I suppose I should be thankful that I'm not 'jonah' all the time, yes?

Last night was one of those. Cases keep trickling in till 3 am. When I have settled that, the labour room would be calling. It was one of those days when the cases aren't severely ill but warrants a careful review nonetheless.

One of the things that irks me the most is non emergency cases coming at ridiculous hours of the night. Take the case of menorrhagia who came in at 2 am last night. I had just returned to the casualty at 3 am after referring a case from the labour room for suspicious CTG and was looking forward to some shut eye. I asked my nurse why the patient in bed 2 had come in for? Imagine my dismay when she told me that she came in complaining of PV (per vaginal) bleeding since EIGHT days ago. The worst thing is, she has had this happen several times before and is undergoing follow up with the Gynae clinic.

Many a times I have chided my patients for keeping their diabetic foot for weeks before turning up at the casualty on a weekend and almost always near midnight. Or the case of end stage renal failure who would always default her appointment for readmission to ward and turn up severely short of breath due to the extra fluid in her lungs. Not to mention pakciks with swollen scrotum who had ignored his appointment to see the surgeon because he 'felt well' and turn up with abdominal pain and vomiting.

Sigh.

It is now half six in the morning and I am not looking forward to working without any sleep for the past 24 hours. But tis life and it shall go on. Ho hum.

Why.....

....is it that usually sedentary humans, most of the time of the female species, feel compelled to make cookies when it comes to Hari Raya? Yours truly included, of course...

The new additions are thriving well. Poor mummy cat isn't feeling so happy though. She is now officially caged till the kittens are about a month old when she will be spayed.


I've lined them up for a family snapshot but the moment I reach for my digicam, ini yang jadi....


The cutest and most active of the gang.


Yes, I know I look adorable.

I'm racking my brains for names. Someone suggested, since they are offsprings of Bubu, why not give them names with "Bu" in them? I quite like this idea. For instance, the tortoise shell above, I could call her Bureng, perhaps, for 'celoreng'...



and this one, the black one, I could call Butam - for Bu + hiTAM.



The other yellow-white kitten I will most likely call Junior or maybe Buju (for Bubu = JUnior) but the last one requires some thinking over. Lil kitty has a short stump of a tail - ekor kontot, in malay. Does that mean I will now have to call it BuNTOT.....?

Oncall ramblings

Everytime I start an oncall shift, whether it is the half day or the full day variety, there are certain taboos that I adhere to.

First I always imagine having the worst, the busiest and most jonah shift. In that way, if it does turn out to be that way, at least I have been prepared mentally.

Second, when I am still on my shift, I NEVER comment on how it is going. For instance, if Abg calls me up and asks, "Sibuk?" - I say "Tak mau ckp" (I don't want to say). A bit like not wanting to tempt fate. Ask me the next morning and I'll happily give a full report but never before the clock reaches 8.

It has been a hellish day so far. Even my partner has not been spared. Furthermore, an ill peadiatrics case that was supposed to be referred for close observation, had been misunderstood by me for 'close observation HERE'. As expected, the baby deteriorated. Trying to resuscitate a baby at 6 pm on a fasting day is not an experience I would like to repeat.

It's now just past 10pm and I finally get some time to sit. There is a stray kitten mewing outside and he is adorable! But Abg has finally put his foot down and said no. Abg is more a YES man so it is kinda nice when he says NO to me once in a while. But not too often, okay Yang.....hehe.

Ah well, 10 more hours to go.

A leisurely fasting afternoon....

We had the house to ourselves this afternoon.

We were told there was going to be an interruption in the electricity supply starting from 9 am and possibly till 6 in the evening. Thankfully, electricity was restored at about 11. I proceeded to give my kids' cages a good scrub and a mini make over.

When Abg returned from Friday prayers, he suggested we drive to Jerteh. Why, you may ask? Well, when I was working in Setiu, one of my staff nurses mentioned a certain stall in Jerteh selling 'ayam pusing' (I think they are known as ayam golek in the west coast) and the 'ayam pusing's sold here are supposedly so delicious and so popular that most of its patrons book their chickens early in the mornings and the chickens are usually sold out way before 5 pm.

True enough, the first time we went, we were disappointed as there were no more chickens left! and it was barely past 5pm.

But the first time we bit into its juicy flesh, we knew all the hype about them were justified. The spices are there just to tingle your tastebuds but not too overpowering. The flesh literally comes away from the skin and melts in your mouth.

It is with this memory lingering in my mind that we left home for our >50km journey to Jerteh, Terengganu. If you can't grasp the significance (or the ridiculousness, haha), imagine driving from Batu Caves to Putrajaya (on your day off) just to get hold of a chicken.


I love taking drives with Abg.

The stall sits almost unnoticeably under the Jerteh bridge. In fact, there are no other stalls there. When we first got to know about this, I think the fowls were selling for RM15 per chicken (already marginally more expensive than other 'ayam pusing's) and this year they were going for RM19 and RM20 per piece!


The best 'ayam pusing' ever.

After getting 'buka puasa' sorted out, we decided to take a leisurely drive to Kuala Besut and check out the fish market at Tok Bali.


View from the bridge somewhere in Pasir Puteh, I think. Haha.


View of the other side of the bridge.

They've built a proper market in Tok Bali. Right on the riverbanks. Actually, I wanted to take pictures of lithe young fishermen hauling in the day's catches but I guess a solitary cat wandering near the jetty will just have to make do.



Do click on piccies for better images.

Kitty update!

The mummy cat which I brought home from the hospital along with her two kittens (the black and the orange one) has given birth last week!

Last Thursday morning, we were preparing for sahur and lo and behold mummy cat had already completed delivering her 4 kittens.

Two of the kittens had similar colourings as Bubu (the daddy cat; Bubu your absence is missed daily...), one is a tortie and the other completely black.


Takde kerja lain melainkan makan dan tido.



Ini anak kucing ke apa nie...?? Hahaha...


Wrong way little kitty!!


Bubu junior

Other than that, the little white kitten which was the sole survivor of the three siblings has also passed away a few days ago.


Sadly, I was not able to save any of them.

Everytime a kitten I rescue dies, I want to make myself promise to never bring anymore home. When they are too little when they are separated from mummy cat, their bodies lack the natural immunity that the mummy milk provides so most of the time, they usually don't survive if they get an infection while awaiting their 2 month old vaccination. I try my best, but I am racked with guilt every time a kitten dies; it's as if I have failed them.

The other kitten I took from the hospital's canteen - we are calling her 'kurap tinger' for the moment - is also doing well. We call her that because when I first found her, both of her ear flaps were covered by scaly 'kurap'. I first met her while doing rounds and my first attempt at bringing her home was foiled when she ran away. I kept looking for her and she even turned up in one of the wards while I was doing my on call, but it was only about 2 weeks later that I picked her up as she was begging for food at the canteen.


Ever so sweet and manja.

She is lovely now - not a hint of 'kurap' on her ears, thanks to a jab we got at the vet - but still needs some fattening up. She is half the weight of my other cats. At first, the other cats gave her a hard time and shunned her, being the newbie but she seems to be doing better now. She still can't give up her life as a stray though - most of my cats don't wander too far from home even after being let out of the cages - and often would explore the surrounding territories and spend the night outside.

How many now, do I hear you ask? Nineteen, the last time I counted.......okay, will definitely stop now.......

Nothing in particular

I am returning to work tomorrow after a week's break. Yup, a WEEK! Well, I had a course in IMR for two days but still, not working! Have been lepaking at home with Ma and starting a new beading project on sis Yaya's dress for the akad ceremony.

Missed my furkids and was glad to see the little one alive and well when we went to pick him up from boarding.

FYI, rescued three siblings from the hospital's car park two weeks ago. Barely a month old - who would be so heartless as to abandon such young kittens mummy-less. Kalau ye pun, tunggu la besar sikit. The two white-black kittens died despite me bringing them during my oncall just so that I might be able to feed them milk, so only the off-white little one is left. Though, I'm not really sure what colour he really is because of the badly infected fur. Not to mention his constantly wet backside from his diarrhoea.

Yet, I am optimistic. He is eating the softened kibbles well and is rather active. I tried putting him with the other small-ish kitten but he ended up being bulliedand scratched at. Sigh.

Spent the last day of the Merdeka weekend shifting the cats' cages to the back. Abg has roofed off the section at the back next to the wet kitchen. At least it won't be so hot during the mornings and the living area and the room in front wouldn't be getting whiffs of the peepee and poopoo of my kids. Best of all, I can open my window and check on them whenever I like.

As usual, spent a bomb in KL - mostly on cat food. Only bought one new handbag - and it's 70% off - I'm rather proud of myself.

and it's the first day of the fasting month tomorrow! Selamat berpuasa everyone!

Each of my cat has a story...

and this is Jimi's.

Jimi is the only cat in my household that I didn't 'rescue'. The owner of the eating place that Abg frequents offered him to Abg. I still remember the day Abg brought Jimi home. Abg had just pulled into the parking area and I thought was taking a long time to come over. When I looked over, Abg beckoned at me excitedly and told me to look under the seat.



This fluffy ball of white fur was sitting there, so quietly and didn't make a sound as I pulled it out. I remember feeling so sorry for him, being taken away from his home and forced to live with strangers; instead of leaving him in the cage, I put him in a box in the room.

Imagine my surprise when in my sleep that night, I reached over in between my pillow and Abg's and felt something mushy. Safe to say, Jimi sleeps in the cage from that night onwards.



Jimi is the 'samseng' of the group; he is unafraid of anything. He would be the only one to nonchalantly walk out of the house compounds unto the road and once, jump unto the paddy field across the road. I still remember watching this white fur jumping in and out the green grass chasing grasshoppers.



I was in a cheery mood this morning as I walked into the vet. When the vet assistant told me the bad news, all I could focus on was seeing his unmoving body. He was already cold. I hope his passing was painless.

In a way, I could feel how ridiculous all this sounds, yet my furkids are like a part of the family. Each of my cats have their own personality and the loss of each one leaves a void that can never be replaced.

Rest in peace my little one. You will be missed.

Bercelaru....

My furkid Jimi has been knocked down and run over. He is now at the vet, being put on drip and awaiting for op tomorrow, that is, if the vet decides that his injury is worth being operated on.

He is pale as sheet, and refuses to eat nor drink and can only lift up his head to look at me when I call his name.

I cried at the vet as she showed me the extent of his injury and I cried as I left him and I am crying still.

Rotten

Have you ever hated the version of you that you have become? One moment you are loving everything, content with life and all that you have achieved, and gradually you are resenting everything?

Sometimes don't you just wish life is like a Magna Doodle/Etch-A-Sketch board that you can just erase with one swipe of its handle; letting you start fresh, hoping you won't make the same mistake again?

I'm not sure whether this is just a phase I am going through (if it's a phase, shouldn't it be temporary?) or if the previous me is totally gone, replaced by this super bitch that I feel I am now? I bite and growl at my nurses, I don't call up Ma to chat anymore (and I think she is 'merajuk' with me) and even Abg is not spared.

In short, if I were not me, I would HATE me.

Should I be relieved that at least I realise that there is something wrong and must change immediately? Is that my silver lining in this mess of muck that I currently feel like I'm swimming in?

I am looking for faults, something lacking in my life that is causing this but I'm not sure if I'm looking for one just so that I might justify my rotten behaviour or if I don't find one, I might have to resign to the fact that I am, just plain ...rotten?

Apparently I am 'payoh bbaso'.....

I have been writing this blog with a lot more care lately that it has lost a lot of its anonymity. I know some of my work colleagues read it and it's even in the histories/cookies list in the PC at the casualty.

Work politics is a weird complicated thing. I try not to get my head too wrapped up in it. As far as I am concerned, my first duty is to my immediate boss and to my patients. and as far as I am aware, I have never considered myself to be 'difficult' and note the quote unquote as you and I both know, 'difficult' can mean a lot of things to different people.


Yes, I am Ms Laser Mouth and at times IDIOT is my favourite word but when it comes to colleagues asking for favours, I think I don't usually make a fuss about it. I DO though, have an issue helping out people who do. I mean, if you are going to go beating about the bush and making excuses, do you think other people will be accommodating to you? So, when I give you a taste of your own medicine, don't go running to mummy and moan about how 'payoh bbaso' I am.

Apparently, my boss has told me that Big Boss has informed him that it has come to her attention that I am 'payah bbaso' and doesn't help out other MOs. Okay, you tell me about when I cover for my other colleague who has no partner to cover for her. You tell me about any time when the MAs call me to review Ortho cases and I say no. You tell me about the time when I had stayed back late and ended up escorting a case to HRPZ when the 2nd call has already gone on an earlier trip. You tell me about the time when a colleague messaged me to cover for him and I had to endure multiple 'Why not..' questions from my boss on why his partner can't cover for him instead.

I am tempted to put up an open letter at the MO notice board and issue a challenge to any particular MO who have been whining about me and tell it to my face, that is if you have the balls lah....or else, Abg offered another tempting option: go to Big Boss and say, if you think I'm such a non team player and difficult to work with; I've already handed in my application for transfer A YEAR ago, why don't you just let me go and be rid of me?

Geram geram geram.

Hari Haru Biru

I don't usually expect Thursdays to be hectic or chaotic. Sundays, yes, but not Thursdays. On Thursdays, I expect to come for rounds, perhaps have one or maybe two cases of emergency OT and then go home at a reasonable hour. Though reasonable is a relative term in this case.

I was doing rounds at the female ward this morning and was just checking up on the indian girl who had plating to her tibia the day before. My colleague, the anaesth MO was also there when we suddenly noticed that a big group of student nurses were crowded around the next bed. Apparently the young girl had desaturated and was fast deteriorating. My anaesth colleague went to lend a hand and I proceeded with my rounds as my specialist had turned up.

We were supposed to have Ortho OT that morning as my boss wasn't around for the usual elective day. As the anaesth MO was busy intubating in the ward upstairs, the first case was called only after half ten. and even then, she discovered that the girl had a history of fainting and turning blue. I was like, OMG I hope this case doesn't get cancelled and called my boss and told him I'd be doing the finger refashioning case instead.

and THAT didn't turn out uneventful either, but still I managed to finish it and we proceeded with the elbow. As the anaesth MO was getting ready to administer spinal for the following case (a query open fracture of the tibial plateau), she received a call for a case of fetal distress. Wah lau, if things are not supposed to go smoothly then everything can go wrong. My boss immediately improvised and did the wound debridement and Steinman pin insertion under LA/sedation instead.

That done, I scrubbed in to assist with the caesarian section and still in my scrubs I rushed to the female ward to review the case of query hip septic arthritis, then left to do the discharges and apologize to the patient whose elective case had to be cancelled.

The day ended on a pleasant note though when two of my good colleagues and I (even though it was already nearly an hour after everyone else had gone home) had pulut durian courtesy of Kak Yah. Sedappp...

Busy as it was, I was sated. Not by durians; it was a good full day and despite the hiccups, things got done. and having friends to enjoy the end of the working week with you is one of the simple pleasures that everyone should experience.

and I am ending this post with warm fuzzy feeling because I have a major gripe to deal with in the next post.

Busy bee

I don't often try out recipes I get off cookbooks or cooking shows. I always have this niggling doubt that the chef will never reveal his/her secrets and though convincing the 'umm's and the 'aah's can be, who's to tell really how delicious the food really is? Kan kan kan...

Anyway, I recently discovered that a friend of mine had started a blog since she's been in Auckland furthering her studies. Anyway, she posted a recipe called Tuna Rolls and it was so simple, I just have to give it a go. Besides, kalau tak jadi, I tau la mana nak cari tuannya...haha....

So, in honour of 'Those Moments...', here is my version of it...

Ingredients:
2 small tins of tuna - tin of 185g each
3 tablespoonfuls of Mayonnaise

because I just lurrrrrrve onions and to me, making a tuna sandwich without chopped onions is a sin in my books, I added one and half of chopped yellow onions.



2 tablespoonfuls of corn kernels



Salt and ground pepper to taste

2 eggs - beaten
Cheese - to your heart's desire. I used Perfect Italiano's mixture of shredded Cheddar, Parmesan and Mozzarella.

Bread - basically I tried this recipe out using two types of bread: Hailam bread (the crustless white bread you typically find in Kopitiams) and the usual sliced bread.

My verdict, both are equally usable; the Hailam bread is longer but narrower so your rolls will be more of the petite size. Point to note though is Hailam bread becomes stiff if left in the open so only take them out when you are ready to lay out the filling and roll it up.

Mix up the tuna, corn kernels, onions, mayo and seasoning. Butter or margarine up your bread. Place about a teaspoonful or two of fillings on bread and roll it up. Seal the ends with egg and lay your rolls on a baking tray.



Just before putting them in the oven, (pre heated at 180 celcius), I gave the rolls an eggwash and scattered cheese generously.

They should be ready after about 15 mins. But of course, this depends on how you like your cheese topping, but in general 15 mins should be okay.

Best eaten fresh from the oven while the bread is still crispy.


The top 4 are the ones made with Hailam bread, the middle with normal sliced bread but rolled diagonally, basically for experimentation purposes and the bottom row is the rolled up sliced bread.

Abg loved it; definitely a keeper this one.

Thank you Zaa, keep them coming okay?

Not feeling so great

I am the most terrible person in the world.

Last week, Abg's cousin came back for a week's trip back home. She lives down south (of Malaysia la) and I guess trips back up to the East Coast can be pretty taxing for a family with three young kids.

She recently got a new baby, you see, and a boy at that. The thing is, out of Abg's many cousins, I quite like this one. But I just couldn't bring myself to see her. I want to be happy for her, but seeing those ten little toes and little fingers will just remind me of the thing I lost.

I thought I was okay. Afterall, it has been 3 months now but I guess I thought wrong.

Sigh.

Now I keep returning to that week and my mind keeps on replaying the events leading up to the loss and I just can't stop. Which stage of grief am I now going through that I keep trying to find someone or something to blame? (Writing this blog used to be therapeutic but now that it isn't so anonymous anymore, I guess I have to take into account the feelings of people who may be reading this.) What if I hadn't been oncall that night? What if I HAD heeded to what other people were saying and not walk so fast everywhere? or had worn flatties instead of my Crocs wedges? or had insisted on staying at home when I was on MC instead of coming to work just because my partner 'had something to attend to' and couldn't come back a day earlier than planned?

Am I resenting being so righteous and self sacrificing, whereas I had consciously made that decision knowing what was at stake?

Yes, deep down I know it probably wouldn't have made a difference but I am feeling it all the same.

And I am not liking it. I am a terrible person.

Bubu Bubu Where Art Thou.....?

Bubu is missing.

Usually Bubu sleeps with us in the room, and yes, on the bed. He does though, have this annoying habit of waking up at in the wee hours of the morning, mewing to be let out. Since he is left to prowl outside, normally he would come home in the evenings for his dinner. I was on call on Wednesday and Abg hasn't seen him since.

BTW, the little orange kitty has died. Sedih.

It's now been two nights in a row that Bubu hasn't come home. Neighbours who recognise Bubu as our cat has not seen him either. Last night (I was conked out post call) Abg even went to look for him but nothing.

Sigh.

I hope he is okay. If he comes home, off he will go to the vet. Serious. I hope Bubu doesn't follow in the pawstep (paw, foot, geddit?) of Cumi who has gone off and not come home.

This is a fluffy post

My wrist hurts.

Ironically I've been preparing for an Ortho CME and mine's titled Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. I had been procrastinating, as usual and had left it for the last minute and subsequently ended up completing it all in 4 hours. However, the 4 hours with my right hand permanently glued on the mouse proved to be unfortunate as I now cannot even grip properly without hurting.

I'm in a rather happy mood today (for a change, haha) - my project presentation went well and my boss is happy and I returned home to find that Abg had bought me the new Double McSpicy (or something like that). I was tapping away at the PC when Abg came to me and presented me with the new Burberry fragrance. Hmmm, McD AND new perfume? I asked him to 'fess up but he just laughed it off.

Biasa la perempuan - bila husband tak beli hadiah, marah - bila husband beli, ingat dia buat salah. No wonder Abg has grown balder by the day.

Furthermore, my three kittens are well unto the road to recovery. Black with socks looked near at death's door a few days ago. He had refused to eat or drink and his eyes were crusted shut. I had wiped away at the dried up eye discharges and fed him water with a syringe. Also stuffed him with decongestants and antibiotics. Today he even came running to greet me as I stepped off the car. Bliss.

My wrist still hurts but at least I'm happy.

In shock

Okay......

I cannot believe we got 3rd place for something that was made up and started about three weeks ago..........

Madness

I wonder how long these two froggies have been trapped in my candle holder-ornament thingy.

I'm feeling that familiar feeling of unease again today.

Yes, it is my fault that I haven't found the time nor made the effort to do this certain 'extra curricular' project. What with my pregnancy and the workload and the subsequent miscarriage, it just slipped my mind.

I confessed that it has been my mistake and I accepted full responsibility for not coming up with anything, but when I was told to 'make it up' - I was, to say the least, quietly horrified. I no longer see the relevance of making a big fuss over something that has been literally picked from thin air.

Furthermore, I was reassured that other people will be doing the same thing.

Ho hum.

Still, I stuck to orders and came up with something.

I have been rather testy with my group - I think they are a bit concerned about my nonchalance of it all. I, on the other hand, refuse to leave my duties for something, which I may remind you, is TOTALLY MADE UP..! Hel-looooo....?

Or is it me? Is there something that you all know that I don't know about? Lives will not be lost if I mess up the presentation, the world will not come to an abrupt end - get a grasp of the big picture la....

Perhaps it is a bit difficult when my story lacks the details but I will not be pressured unreasonably for something that is against my principles. My first and foremost responsibility is towards my patients and THAT is THAT. Enough of this madness.

Swamped

Bubu pestering me to let him out.

My specialist and colleague have returned after a 5 day hiatus attending a conference in KL. I may now breathe a sigh of relief. It's not so much the number of patients I had to attend to, but it's the burden of having to make your own decisions that bugs me most.

My specialist returned to find that I had kept a case of atlanto-axial dislocation in the ward. He had been admitted since last Thursday. I knew that there was something wrong with him, yet I don't really know what. His x ray looked fishy but since the incident had happened 2 months before and he was (relatively) well, I hadn't stressed my unease to my boss. I can tell that he is (to say politely) miffed with me, and I must admit that I probably deserved it.

I'm in the middle of preparing for a presentation and have asked for a day off to complete it. I know I'm supposed to keep my nose to the grindstone but you know how it is when you have something to complete, there's always something else to distract your focus away from the job at hand.

Of idiotic, ignorant lorry drivers and such...

I had a major nervous breakdown this morning.

Things had been slightly gritty at home for the past few days and my mood have only started to pick up this morning.

Anyway, I was getting ready for work and was trying to find my petticoat. I own THREE petticoats and can't find any that morning. I went on a mini amok and tumbled out all the clothes in the laundry basket and even went through all the mess in my SIL's room but couldn't locate even one.

In a cloud of fury I left home, petticoat-less.

At the turning into the kampung where FIL's house is, a taxi was in front of me signalling right. I snapped on my signal to the left and waited. As the taxi made his right turn, I edged forward and slanted the front of my car to the left in order to merge into the flow of cars. Suddenly this idiotic lorry driver (org suruh gi sekolah, kau main2, dah besar jadi drebar lori bodoh tak guna menyusahkan org!) crawled to a stop right in front of my car, and parked itself!!! I honked my horn as loudly as I can and gave him my most evil stare. Bodoh. Now I had to readjust my car in order to make my left turn. Kau tak nampak ke aku bagi signal bahalol! Typical stupid kiasu Kelantan people attitude, selagi kau boleh parking depan kedai, agaknya atas tangga kedai kau nak letak kereta engkau. Bangang.

Yang sakit hatinya, bila I managed to turn left, si celaka tu boleh pulak horn kat aku macam aku yg salah. Sial. I horn balik in protest and drove off. Kalau tak fikir I dah lewat nak gi kerja, I would have stopped to give him a piece of my mind. Eii, rasa macam nak tikam2 je tayar lorry bawak ice dia tu.

Bodoh. Mana ada org park kereta kat simpang la bangang. Consider la org nak keluar dari simpang tu. If it's not the ice lorry, it's the gas tank lorry. All idiots.

I drove off in a rage and screamed my lungs out in the car. Suddenly it wasn't just about the stupid lorry driver and his inconsiderate driving but it was ALL that was going wrong in my life. I cried tears of rage and frustration and shouted some more. It has gone way beyond lack of privacy or my own home or even losing my petticoats but more like losing a grip on my life and where I want to be headed to. I had dreams and it is slowly trickling away into nothingness.

I am drowning in a river of melancholy and I have no one to turn to.