Nothing in particular

Poor Cumi has been having a bad cold for the past week. His eyes are all swollen and red and he's is sniffling all the time.

I'm feeling overwhelmed by the flu that is making the rounds amongst my cats. The three youngest who first caught it have yet to recover despite getting jabs and now three more cats have been infected.

The only consolation is that despite the runny nose and swollen eyes, all seem to be eating well and running all over the place. Except for Che'Mot whom I think must have some sort of liver disease by the way how distended his tummy is.



My new cage has arrived! I think I will draw a line and stop the madness here. No more stray cats and certainly no more cages. But at least they have more space to stretch out and lie down.



Ruru seems to be doing well. He seems pretty chummy with Che'Lan and spends a good time rolling around and pouncing on each other.

The mother of the three strays will be getting spayed tomorrow. We've been keeping them in the spare cage during the night as the last few days it has been raining in the evenings. Yesterday, silly mummy cat left with the two red/orange tabbies. She's been coming back for food but her two kittens are nowhere to be seen. At least the black one has had some sense to stay put. I hope the two kids are alright. Tried looking for them; they usually come running when I make the 'tsk tsk tsk' sound - but nothing.

Please adopt us!

Last week, while I was getting ready for work, I heard cat growls from outside. It wasn't like male cats trying to intimidate each other, but more like mummy cat trying to shoo away tom cats.

Lo and behold, in the two calverts left in the compound of FIL's house, a family of four had been left there.


Mummy cat with one of the kittens.


Cute, right!?


The three siblings - very playful and energetic.


Close up of one of the kittens - if this doesn't tug at your heartstrings, well, I don't know! :)

I'd love to adopt them but as yet I already have 16 including the mummy cat and 2 kittens I brought home from work. I'm spaying mummy cat this Thursday. She doesn't seem to be getting along well with my other kids - hissing and growling at everyone who passes by. Sheesh. Anti sosial betul!

I'm worried taking on too many will compromise the care of my other kids. As of now I'm already worried about the cost of their food - I'm only able to get them at good prices when I get back to KL (how ironic is that).

Furthermore, the cat flu has been making the rounds with my kids - the three youngest have yet to recover and Cumi and Ciki and Doralin are already having the sniffles.

So, if you know anyone, do tell them about these lovely siblings - did you know that having pets can prolong your life expectancy?

Double standard

I love observing people. Be it people I work with, or people passing by as I go about window shopping. I think there's a lot of entertainment value in observing people's behaviour.

Seriously. Just try and sit on a bench somewhere (1Utama new wing has really comfy ones) and watch people go by. You will laugh, be touched and even cry.

We had a VIP patient at our casualty the other day. You know something important has happened if suddenly there are people the size of a small kampung gathering at the casualty waiting area.

I had been busy in OT all day and only heard about the VIP presenting at our casualty with chest pains.

Now, this VIP is famed, amongst other reasons, for having 4 wives. Allegedly, one of them had been an ex sweetheart of his own son. Juicy, no? I found it amusing that people were more interested in the fact that all his wives had turned up together rather than the nature of his illness!

When I finally went to the casualty department to review my ortho cases, the VIP was still very much the centre of attention. I observed in silence and in much amusement how one of the officers (non MO) at my casualty department was speaking in hushed tones into the phone, pondering on the ECG as if his life depended on it, with cold beads of sweat spattered on his forehead. This is the guy, whom, if this was any other regular patient, would've just walked by and went home.

Makes you wonder doesn't it? It makes ME wonder, anyway. Me, as laser as I can be, I treat my patients the same. My priority depends on the severity of the illness. Of course, I make certain exceptions for members of the profession, I guess in life we have to make some leeway somewhere.

Not just another day at work..

It is inevitable as a doctor to come face to face with death. I wish I could say I remember vividly how I felt when I handled my first death case but I can't. All those deaths that happened in my years of working have intermingled with each other and have become as blurry as the emotions that I feel whenever another life is terminated. However, there are a few that has stayed as clear as if it happened just yesterday.

I was on call on the male side that night. What that means is that there is a near to nil chance of sleeping and almost 98% chance of doing a peritoneal dialysis (PD). I don't know what it is like in other hospitals but in HRPZII, doing a PD is as routine as taking your patient's blood. The first thing a freshie houseman has to learn from his or her senior HO is how to do a PD. It is not unusual to walk into the male ward and see 5 beds in a row with PD dialysate hanging from drip stands.

The patient was placed in the first bed on the left of the ward. He was about 35, and with skin as yellow as anything. I don't know why he was in, I only know that I was supposed to do a PD on him that night. As far as I remember, I followed each step of it by the book and the patient wasn't even in the list of high risk candidates for perforation - introduction of the troca was relatively easy I didn't need to redo it.

The next thing I know, the patient's body convulsed and after a few moments, lay still. I alerted my MO and started CPR but couldn't revive him.

I don't remember what my MO put down as the cause of death but I do remember seeing the faces of his wife and relatives and hearing the wail of his toddler kid. They say kids can see the angel of death coming to do his job. They had come to visit him - ill but at least alive - instead had to return home with a lifeless body.

Yes I was devastated but I didn't have time to dwell on it. Being a houseman means a death is just another day at work. You have to be detached emotionally. I guess I was lucky in the sense that I posessed that detachment and saw all the deaths that happened as just another learning experience.

Yet, despite it happening about 5 years ago I keep soming back to that night and wondering whether it was something I did that resulted in his demise.

There were numerous other deaths - the kid with CP, the many many retroviral patients, my ESRF makcik who spent months in the ward and died alone, the diabetic with gas gangrene who refused amputation until it was too late and died of sepsis. Despite being so blase about it all, you just have to take a moment to remind yourself that even though he/she was just another number on your mortality statistic, he/she was someone's mother/father/sister/brother/wife/husband and to the family, their deaths isn't JUST another day at work.

Update!

I think I just can't be bothered with a separate blog for my furkids, so in the meantime my cat stories will be here.

BEFORE



AFTER







Anyhow, I am putting this family up for adoption. I found them at my hospital's casualty. Apparently they were found sleeping all over the place and one of the kittens died a few days ago. I can't keep them due to the lack of space and the fact that the four 'mousecateers' - Che'Mot, Che'Lan, Che'We and Ruru (though this one's already recovering) have the cat flu and have been sneezing all over the place - just shows me how badly I need more cages which I can't get at the moment.



I hope future mummy and/or daddy to the kittens would be able to adopt them together or better still the whole family. I'm hoping to spay the mother soon and maybe rereleasing her.



This one's got a light dusting of white fur on top of the black. Nice long perfect tail too. It would be interesting to see how kitty turns out.



This one's smaller than the black one. Both are still dependant on the mummy cat so adopters might have to wait for 2-3 weeks before they can be weaned off mummy. Of course, if you take the whole family, you'll be able to take them straight away!

Metaphor

I love watching House M.D. - yes I know it is only acting and the actors barely understand what came out of their mouths but since I already (sometimes) exhibit House's attitude towards (some) patients, I figure I should at least posess a portion of his diagnotic skills.

When House analyses his cases, one of his trademarks is his metaphors. Which is a brilliant idea, because not only it gives House his character, it also makes all the medical mumbo jumbo comprehensible to the audience. Genius, right?

But anyway, I'm not here to write about House - I've just spent the day cleaning the house, doing laundry, turning my Kenari back into a car (it was a garbage dump disguised as a car previously) and attempted to get my Ciki checked by the vet assistant (she developed a swelling at the suture site - which I hope is only a seroma and not an abscess or a hernia) but the vet was closed (probably on account of the 'Pertandingan Kucing' that just went on the day before). Plus, four of my youngest furkids have developed a cold - poor Che'We was sneezing and coughing and tossing and turning about to make himself comfortable - and I can only get my animal decongestants tomorrow!

My 13th warrior has been named Che'Ruru or just Ruru. Her eyes are slightly better but I think Ruru was the one who spread all the germs around. She's still having some residual upper eyelid swelling and pus discharge but I think she will survive by how she has been jumping all over and under the place.

Shall I write about the recent petrol price increase like everyone has, I wonder? It's been 4 days now but people are still talking about it. When they are not associating you-know-who's name with various profanities, they are lamenting about how difficult life will be now when they could barely make ends meet before.

I just want to share a metaphor I read somewhere which describes simply what the govt means by subsidy.

A father catches a fish in the river behind his house. He then cooks the fish and serves it for his son to eat.

Just as son is about to tuck in, father asks for RM10 as a payment for the meal.

Son asks - Why should I pay you RM10 when it costs you nothing or almost nothing to catch it and cook it?

Father says - Because if you were to buy this fish outside, it would cost you RM15. So I am doing you a favour by only asking for RM10!

So, 'father' in this story is the government, 'son' is the rakyat and I hope you get the point of the story. Perhaps I am sounding naive but isn't it laughable that the PM talks about the so called subsidy like he is doing us a favour?!

You are cordially invited...

Yes, I think I AM turning into crazy ol' cat lady.....so crazy am I that I have started a blog on my cats.

So, pop your head over once in a while if you have the time.

The 13th Warrior?

Had a visit to the vet today. Vet wasn't in but was attended to by a student vet (assumption based on the UPM t shirt she was wearing) who impressed me.

Che'mot whom I found loitering at the labour room haven't been well. Despite being given the best food, he had never put on weight. But I was not worried before because he was still eating and playing as only Che'Mot would - Che'Mot is the moody and reclusive type, unlike my other baby Che'Lan who jumps all over the place like nobody's business - but the past week he began to look almost cachectic. I wanted to get him to the vet earlier but he improved slightly in the middle of the week.

The student vet suggested antibiotics and some vitamin paste which I've already started to give. As a last resort I bought a can of Prescription Diet which is supposed to promote healing and provide energy. He seemed to be receptive to it but he still looks very lethargic.

But anyway, as we were waiting for the student vet to finish up with Che'Mot, this little 'warrior' came scrambling out. Abg who thought it belonged to the store/animal hospital alerted the shop assistant but apparently little kitty was found abandoned there this morning.

As much as I detest people who throw away unwanted kittens (hel-lo? Haven't you heard of the concept of family planning?) at least I have to give the person some credit for letting lil kitten go at a place where it might be taken care of instead of being splashed with hot water or smacked with a broom.






Okay, she might not look much now but wait till the eye discharge and swelling resolves and the skin infection clears up.....she will be a beauty, I'm sure.

I said to Abg that this will be the last stray we rescue - there's just not enough space - but Abg just rolled his eyes in mock amusement.

What do you think?

Unease

I had one of those days when it ended with a feeling of unease. I hate it when that happens.

Recently I wanted to treat some of my staff to a meal. As the clinic progressed, I was asking whether there was anywhere particularly nice to eat. Anyhow, they then admitted that they were having a pot luck of sorts but if I insisted on buying, the gesture is always welcome.

So, I handed my staff an amount of money and told her to get item A and B. We had lunch and later that afternoon, my staff handed me the balance. I didn't even think twice about it until I got home. I did some calculations and there was no way that item A+B could amount to the money that was spent. So I asked my staff to show me the receipt.

I got the receipt this morning and was taken aback when there was item C, D and 3 x item E and furthermore, the balance that was returned to me was short! Okay, I didn't mind that so much because item C ended up being shared among us but only one of the three of item E ended up on the table and there was no sign at all of item D!

So, apakebendanya nie?! I didn't want to make a fuss - so I quietly had a talk with my staff. She said she had asked one of the other staff to get the food as the rest were busy assisting with the morning clinics. According to her, she had no idea that the other person had decided to get the extra items.

I told her that the issue here isn't the money. I don't care about the money but I DO care about having some respect for your superior (especially since the staff who had gone on the errand had barely any direct contact with me before) and I DO care about honesty. Do have some decency to ASK before making your own decision especially when it's not your money that you are spending.

I told her that I am telling her this because she directly works with me every week and I know that she would understand what I am getting to. I also added that she was not to spread this around as there might be a tendency for the rest to misunderstand my point.

Sheesh, I hate having squabbles over money....people tend to be so sensitive when it comes to issues regarding moolah.....kan??

*sigh* - So the feeling of unease remains.....

I'd rather talk about my cats than work, thanks!

Work has been very ......puzzling.

Yes, it is an unusual word to use but I am finding the transition of HTM from a district hospital to a hospital with specialists very confusing.

Rather than go into details and run the risk of being interrogated by my bosses, I shall now begin by writing about Fizzy.

When we found Fizzy, we had just lost one of the small kittens left in a box in front of our house. Actually, a pair was left in the box, mewing their lungs out in the shrubbery. One of them survived to about 6 months of age before being knocked down by motorbike riding school kids. We then started to keep them in until after the morning rush has subsided.

Anyway, I remember that it was the fasting month and it was drizzling. We had just visited Abg's uncle at HM and wanted to stop by at the Pasar Ramadhan. A silver Waja drove out of a space and Abg wanted to park there when I saw a ball of greyish fur huddled there. I quickly jumped (can you imagine me JUMPING? No? Then maybe jumping isn't the right word to use here, haha) out of the car and picked grey ball of fur up.

A shopkeeper was amused by my antics and I asked her if kitten belonged to her and she said no. We left grey kitten in the car while we went shopping and he has been living with us since.







Fizzy grew attached to another kitten we had who was about the same age - Fifi. They would go on walks together (berderat, as we say it here), eat together, play and sleep together. Alas, Fifi was knocked down a motorbike. Abg actually thought it was someone else's cat until he saw the red collar.



So nowadays, Fizzy is more or less a loner. Bubu gets into his mood swings more often nowadays but at least they can still sleep on the same bed. Fizzy sleeps with us too, by the way. There were times when we would find nice brown lumps, usually at the corner near the wardrobe, behind my printer but luckily findings like that have been almost non existant now.



Because Fizzy is younger than Bubu, occasionally he gets bullied by Bubu but actually Fizzy is more of the machoman compared to Bubu. He would catch mice and play with it to his heart's content. I find that the younger cats look up to Fizzy like the elder brother and just loves to follow him around.



Fizzy has a white spot on his back. I'd like to think it as his special thing. He has grown really heavy the past few weeks.







This is Fizzy's I-can't-believe-you-are-taking-my-pic-while-I'm-trapped-here face.



Sometimes, when Bubu isn't around or when he is nice enough to let someone share his perch on top of the wardrobe, Fizzy likes to climb up as well.

Tales of my cats...

Apparently some of my colleagues have gotten hold of my blog and are actually reading the nonsense I am writing.....hello you-know-who-you-people are!! Hahaha...

So, that means I can't write about my colleagues (tapi I tak pernah mengumpat korang okeyyy) and I certainly can't write (badly) about my boss (haha) and my patients (and their relatives) sometimes don't warrant my time tapping away on the keyboard with my crappy Slowmyx connection.

I have 12 cats to date - I know! How did they get to be so many?; if I were single, I'd probably be known as the crazy cat lady who ended up dead and her cats made a feast of her body. Urgh.

Bubu is my 'anak sulung'. It was last August when I found him loitering around the OPD, all thin and scruffy. Seriously, he was so 'comot'.



Didn't I say he was scruffy? He was very vocal back then - we wanted to train Bubu to do his business in the bathroom so at nights, we would lock him up. He would be mewing his lungs out till he fell asleep. It worked, though. Bubu sleeps with us on the bed and will always poo where he is supposed to.



Bubu has the nicest personality when he was growing up. Being the only cat in the house at that time, he was very attached to us yet he was equally welcoming to the other members of the family. People would carry him around, and he wouldn't mind. Kids could be yanking at his tail and he wouldn't care.



Bubu grew up (and out) wonderfully under our care. He lost his emaciated look and became a handsome cat indeed. His tail surprised us the most - we never thought it would become so fluffy!



Bubu is about a year old now. I am planning to neuter him soon but just couldn't find the time. Apparently cats get fatter and become healthier after 'snip snip' but currently he's still well behaved - none of that peeing on the wall business - but I HAVE seen him on 'dates' with the female cats around and he has been getting into fights with the other tom cats.



Bubu loves to sleep. All he does is sleep, eat, sleep some more, eat some more and sleep. He would go for his daily rounds outside at about 8 at night but would always come back in time for bedtime with us. Yes, Bubu sleeps with us on the bed, in the air conditioned room.



Occasionally when he gets tired of the bed, he would climb unto the wardrobe and sleep there.






This is Bubu's will-you-please-stop-taking-pictures-please face. and Yes, he was sleeping at that time. Hence the pissed off face.



I still can't get him to catch mice though. Despite his gentle nature, Bubu is a scaredy cat. In fact, I think the term 'scaredy cat' was probably created for Bubu. He's especially afraid of the vacuum cleaner, will run a mile once we switch it on.

The thing I look forward most at the end of a work day (apart from seeing Abg, of course) is to watch my cats. As most cat lovers will tell you, each one has a personality of their own. Just like kids and as long as I haven't got any and even after I have my own, my cats will be my kids.....

Next - Fizzy..

Insomnia

When I was younger - I think I was about 8 at that time - I went through a phase of insomnia. Try as I might, I just couldn't sleep unless I was in the same room as Ma. I wasn't sure why or what had triggered it but whenever I tried sleeping with my sis, I would pester her to talk to me or tell stories just so that she wouldn't fall asleep before I did.

It was as if I couldn't bear to be left alone when everyone else had gone to dreamland.

One night I dragged my pillow and just sat outside Ma's room. I remember looking at the cuckoo clock on the wall and it was half one in the morning and I just sat there. Waiting for Ma to open the door. I didn't cry, I didn't even knock on her door - I just sat there in silence. Eventually Ma came out, I think she had to go to the kitchen or something. I don't remember if she scolded me but I went into her room and laid myself on the mattress on the floor at the foot of the bed and happily went to sleep.

I remember feeling so safe and contented and I remember it was the best feeling in the world that night.

Lately I have been having that same unsettled, niggling fear. I would feel restless as I hear Abg slowly drifting off to sleep. A part of me wanted to wake him up and ridiculously wanted to make him talk to me just as I had made Yanie tell stories to me just so she wouldn't fall asleep first all those years ago.

Spending the week at home with Ma had been calming. I thought I had passed the crying-at-the-drop-of-the-hat phase. I thought I was ready to go home and resume my life. But as I sit here, I am again dreading the night. I feel like the little kid who is quaking in fear for the bogeyman in the closet.

Perhaps it is the room and the bed and the memories that comes with it. I keep flashing back to everything that has happened in the last 4 months - when I was full of hope and overjoyed with the miracle - and the last few weeks when there were uncertainty and tears.

I know I must let it go - but does it have to be so hard?

My current wishlist...

I have one of these (in yellow-black, don't ask why)...


and I have one of these also...



and now I really want a pair of these (for some strange reason, Crocs Ikano doesn't stock Black-Black, they only have silver-lavender, choc-cotton candy and bronze-bronze)..



Despite what some people are ranting (check out I Hate Crocs dot com ) - I find them seriously comfortable. I walk a lot and my Sassari makes me feel like I'm walking on air! (Believe me when I say that THAT is a mammoth task! Haha)

I went to Ikano yesterday ('berpantang' at home can be really taxing when you don't have a baby to show for it...) to clear the cobwebs in my head and had tried on a pair of the Cyprus. Ala......it was love at first fit.....*sigh* but love reduced significantly when I looked at the price - RM209 okay!??!

But I haven't found myself sated with other shoes since getting my Sassari. My Clarks and Primavera and Bata are just lying on the shoe rack accummulating dust.

So, shall I or shan't i?

Healing

Thank you for all the warm wishes. Believe it or not every single comment left here has helped with the grieving process.

Thank you.

I wonder....

if the grief ever goes away?

Empty

I don't know how many times I've come back to this page and stared at the blinking cursor, not knowing what or why or how to start.


For a while, all I wanted was an end. A conclusion. A finality so that I can finally get on with my life.

Now that that is here, I find myself facing an emptiness.


I woke up in the wee hours of the morning today; somewhat soothed by the snoring of Abg who is lying uncomfortably on the cleopatra sofa in my room. I am awashed by the amount of love and patience that this man have showered on me and as the memories of events that passed in the last few days come flooding back, again I find tears rolling slowly down my cheeks.

My baby was a perfect, healthy baby boy. Abg and I was sure we were having a girl; if the situation was otherwise, I'm sure both of us would be laughing at our silliness.

For a while I was just numb. For a while the outside world ceased to exist. But slowly it came back, weighted by this vast emptiness I am currently feeling.

It would be so easy to think that I am the only one grieving and some moments, the selfishness indeed grabs me but Abg has stood fast - patiently, quietly and I am shamed.

Perhaps it's not my time for the 'rezeki'. Until that time comes, I will be here - grieving but humbled and thankful.

Hopeless and helpless

I am losing my baby and there is nothing much I can do about it. I wonder if the feeling is akin to watching your kid drown slowly and you are just sitting there not doing anything? I hope no one will experience what I have gone through.

I was on call on Thursday when it happened. I was whizzing around clerking cases at about 11 pm when suddenly my waters broke. Initially I thought I'd peed in my pants. In fact, for one ridiculous moment I was thinking that maybe something really wrong has happened to my spinal cord, why else would I be peeing without any sensation of wanting to pee? Come to think of it, I'd rather it be pee than what it turned out to be.

I went to clean myself in the loo but the fluid kept trickling - it didn't smell like urine, it was clear and void of smell. Then it struck me that it could be my amniotic fluid. I rushed to the labour room to get a change of clothes and did a rough scan. It revealed that I barely had any fluid around my fetus. I had to call my colleague to look at a retained placenta and she did a scan on me. Same findings. I was only able to sleep at 4 and when I woke up at half 6, I called Abg. In between sobbing I told him what happened so he came right away. Called Ma who could barely understand what I was saying but knew instantly something was really wrong.

We went to see a specialist in Perdana, Dr Awang Nila who was very nice about it. He didn't beat around the bush when he admitted that the chances of the baby surviving is slim. I'd told myself not to cry but the tears kept coming. Abg was devastated, I know. I think he was even more excited about the impending arrival even more than I was.

So now I'm on complete bed rest and antibiotics for the rest of the week. Last time I scanned the fetal heart was still beating but the condition doesn't look good. My amniotic fluid doesn't seem to be replenishing itself. I'm no longer leaking but I suppose it's because I no longer have anything to leak.

Abg has been my pillar of strength; I suppose it'd be ridiculous if both of us had a mental breakdown. I'm just taking each day as it comes. I suppose I have been lucky; at least I had 16 weeks of experiencing something I had thought I'd never go through. Allah must have something else planned for me for only He knows best.

Still in pain but much much better..

Called Ma after suffering for three days. Initially wanted to ask if it's okay to rub oil on the tummy (dah tak makan, apa lagi, masuk angin la). She immediately membebel for leaving it for three days and made me promise to visit this mak bidan in Pasir Puteh.

So, I went today, accompanied by my Che' Ngoh. When we arrived at just before 9, already 3 people were waiting and as we waited for Mok Su to finish cooking, three other customers arrived. By the time she completed the first makcik, the compound of her house looked like a 'bekwah' (bekwah = kelantanese for kenduri) was going on.

Since the first makcik was too lethargic to walk into the room, I managed to see what Mok Su's magic was all about. Basically was she did was touch certain parts of your body and recite Quranic verses. She will then ask you to lie sideways and then perform similar acts on certain parts of your back. She will finish by patting you a few times on the back for 'pelepasan' (I think).

My turn came at about quarter to 11. She asked me what was wrong and I said I've been having really bad suprapubic pain. She touched my tummy and said 'it' had gone down too much and proceeded with whatever it is that she does. Then she told me to lie supine and in a pleased tone told me that everything is okay now - 'it' has gone up. 'It', I'm presuming is my uterus.

As skeptical as I am, I seriously did feel better afterwards. In fact, each step isn't accompanied by severe pain as it was before. Even travelling in the car wasn't as bad.

She gave me some 'air tawar' to drink at home and then proceeded to the next customer who carried a bling bling bag complete with Gucci sunglasses. People even brought babies to see her.

I'm hoping another day of rest will make me recover so that Dr Su who walks like she is in a rush all the time will be back gracing the covered walks of HTM.

The misery of being ill..

On a three-day MC and what am I doing blogging? Well, for starters, sitting is about the only position that I feel relatively pain free. Though occasionally waves of cramps do wash over the tummy and make me cringe.

Sleeping was mostly a nightmare. I kept waking up being 'lenguh' after sleeping in the right lateral position.

Walking is a pain fest with every step. As my nurses pointed out yesterday when I went to see our resident OBGYN, that I looked like someone in the pantang rather than before.

Got myself a course of antibiotics and panadol and Abg has boiled me barley to help with the presumed UTI. The pain is so bad that I'm actually considering getting myself warded....ho hum..

Worry wort me

I guess being in the medical profession doesn't really make one's pregnancy better. As I had said previously, maybe ignorance is bliss.

Many mother-to-bes are surprised when I tell them that abortions (or miscarriages if you prefer to call it that, since 'abortion' is actually a medical term, lay people usually relate abortion with unwanted pregnancies) are really quite common. I had read somewhere that 15% of pregnancies end up being miscarriages, sometimes occuring without the mother realising it. The body is somehow able to recognise severely defected genes and stop the pregnancy.

In the beginning of my own, I had worried myself out with so many possible outcomes. Perhaps I am a pessimistic, but I think I'm just being a realist. Some women will actually have a missed period and experience early pregnancy symptoms and even the UPT has turned out positive, but subsequent scans will show that the fetus has failed to develop, resulting in something we know as a blighted ovum. If the mother has not had bleeding, this is usually detected when the uterus has failed to progress size wise during antenatal check ups.

Even when the fetus has developed, at any stage of the pregnancy, can termination occur. Books say that once you are past the first trimester stage, the risk of abortion/miscarriage decrease significantly but I am still holding my breath as I have seen time and time again mothers at 15, even 17 weeks presenting with bleeding and subsequently abort.

Further on, there's the dangers of abnormally located placentas, premature labour, leaking your amniotic fluid, high blood pressure - and even if you manage to carry to term, then there's breech or abnormal lie, poor progress of labour and macam-macam lagilah!

Sigh. Worry wort me.

But, fear not, despite all that, I am keeping myself positive and taking each day as it comes. I never fail to be thankful for being able to go through this wonderful experience, whatever the outcome may be.

I'm entering week 15 tomorrow and I'm currently suffering from my first pregnancy related problems. I had travelled to KL to pay a visit to Ma. We had travelled the long way there, via Cameron Highlands but I guess the frequent stops had enabled me to stretch my legs. On the way back however, we had driven almost non stop for 5 and a half hours.

This morning, I had felt the beginnings of my discomfort but ignored it and went to work. The first part of the morning was clinic so I had mostly sat at the table. But the pain persisted, especially when I got up from the chair.

I went for a scan with my colleague and was relieved that baby is okay, in fact it was jumping happily all over the place, completely unaware of the pain I am going through. I got myself an MC and excused myself for the day. It still hurts (even more now) when I move, and even when I walk. It's like when you had pushed yourself doing sit ups and now your whole abdominal wall is sore when you laugh and try to get up from lying down? That's how it feels.

Anyhow, on my trip to KL, I broke one of the 'pantang larang's and bought myself my first baby stuff - a pair of mittens and booties and 2 caps - they were so cute and I couldn't resist myself! But I will behave and refrain from further purchases till much much later.