Biar salah eja surname pun.
I needed a holiday to recover from the holiday we just had.
The fact that the whole of Pahang decided to come over to HTAA on Friday with 2-month old smelly fungating feet and black toes did not help either.
Sunday, September 04, 2011
I love hotels
Biar salah eja surname pun.
I needed a holiday to recover from the holiday we just had.
The fact that the whole of Pahang decided to come over to HTAA on Friday with 2-month old smelly fungating feet and black toes did not help either.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Sunday, August 07, 2011
Finally.....
..after many years of patiently waiting, our home is completed.
Too bad we're stuck in Kuantan for a while. That's life, I guess.
Too bad we're stuck in Kuantan for a while. That's life, I guess.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
What to do when....
..all you really want to say is "There is nothing we can do."
There is nothing we can do.
I am sure, in any doctor's life, there will be a few times when this is the one thing that you have to say, yet you know you can't.
For it means, there is no longer any hope, you have come to a dead end and there is nowhere else to go. There are no rays of light, no silver lining, no matter how hard you look.
There is nothing we can do for your mother.
There is nothing we can do for your father.
and the saddest of it all, There is nothing we can do for your child.
I seriously think, malignancies in children is the worst thing in the world. How does one cope with telling parents of a child, someone who's just only about to start his/her journey of life, that your kid may pass away before you do?
A few months ago, a 16 year-old girl came to the clinic with a swollen knee. Subsequently she was referred to another hospital for proper treatment for the cancer.
As doctors, we tend to 'suggest' certain treatment in a matter-of-fact of way and we don't stop to think what we are really telling our patient.
How does one tell a 16 year-old girl that she has to have her leg chopped off? I think about it and consider how I would feel if someone told me that I need to have my arm surgically removed. Devastation doesn't even cut it.
Of course then one may say, where are the parents and what are they doing?
I am not a parent myself so this is something I may never comprehend but apparently when one becomes a parent, all you want to do is to fulfill a child's needs and wants. How do you say to your daughter that her leg has to be removed?
How, indeed.
So of course this unfortunate family decided to seek alternatives.
A friend received her case a few days ago. Apparently the mass is now the size of a football, ulcerating and bleeding. She is pale as sheet and stopped breathing at the A&E but was revived with resuscitation.
No matter how they bandaged her knee, blood was dripping. Her condition had become so bad that her blood could not clot, it was like a leaky pipe. It took the highest concentration of medicine just to maintain the lowest of her blood pressure.
Of course, there is no way she is fit to go through an operation. Even if she is, there is no knowing the state and extension of the growth.
In short, there is nothing we can do for her except make her comfortable. The last I heard her heart stopped beating again in the ward and again she was resuscitated. It looks really bleak; even if she miraculously survives, her brain wouldn't have survived the periods when it was oxygen deprived.
My heart and prayers go to the family.
There is nothing we can do.
I am sure, in any doctor's life, there will be a few times when this is the one thing that you have to say, yet you know you can't.
For it means, there is no longer any hope, you have come to a dead end and there is nowhere else to go. There are no rays of light, no silver lining, no matter how hard you look.
There is nothing we can do for your mother.
There is nothing we can do for your father.
and the saddest of it all, There is nothing we can do for your child.
I seriously think, malignancies in children is the worst thing in the world. How does one cope with telling parents of a child, someone who's just only about to start his/her journey of life, that your kid may pass away before you do?
A few months ago, a 16 year-old girl came to the clinic with a swollen knee. Subsequently she was referred to another hospital for proper treatment for the cancer.
As doctors, we tend to 'suggest' certain treatment in a matter-of-fact of way and we don't stop to think what we are really telling our patient.
How does one tell a 16 year-old girl that she has to have her leg chopped off? I think about it and consider how I would feel if someone told me that I need to have my arm surgically removed. Devastation doesn't even cut it.
Of course then one may say, where are the parents and what are they doing?
I am not a parent myself so this is something I may never comprehend but apparently when one becomes a parent, all you want to do is to fulfill a child's needs and wants. How do you say to your daughter that her leg has to be removed?
How, indeed.
So of course this unfortunate family decided to seek alternatives.
A friend received her case a few days ago. Apparently the mass is now the size of a football, ulcerating and bleeding. She is pale as sheet and stopped breathing at the A&E but was revived with resuscitation.
No matter how they bandaged her knee, blood was dripping. Her condition had become so bad that her blood could not clot, it was like a leaky pipe. It took the highest concentration of medicine just to maintain the lowest of her blood pressure.
Of course, there is no way she is fit to go through an operation. Even if she is, there is no knowing the state and extension of the growth.
In short, there is nothing we can do for her except make her comfortable. The last I heard her heart stopped beating again in the ward and again she was resuscitated. It looks really bleak; even if she miraculously survives, her brain wouldn't have survived the periods when it was oxygen deprived.
My heart and prayers go to the family.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Winds of change
They say change is good.
The hospital will be implementing the shift system for the housemen soon. They started a trial run in one of the hospitals and since it has been getting such 'good' feedback, they are now starting it here.
I'm not too clear on how it is going to be, but apparently there will be three shifts with periods of overlap between the two for about two hours. The housemen at the other hospital allegedly loved this new system, because it meant abolishment of the oncall system and it is heard that the MOs, on the other hand aren't too happy as it meant that the housemen were handing over their work to the next shift and nothing ever gets done.
Things are bad as it is; I didn't have housemen till about a year and a half ago and even then we only had two or three at a time. Fortunately most of them have been really good and never brought us much problems so I was totally unprepared for the lousy quality of young doctors that I am seeing here.
I try to take a step back and wonder if I was ever this bad when I was a houseman and I think I was even worse so I try to cut them a little slack, but it irks me when their lack of responsibility for their patients and sense of pride in their work affects how the ward is run.
Note that I didn't say lack of knowledge - a boss I had once said it doesn't really matter if you don't have the knowledge, because you can always go back and read but if you have an attitude problem, well, good luck I guess.
I don't want to sound like an old fart and start reminiscing about the 'good old days' because I hated hearing it when I was being told off by my specialists - but I do honestly think the housemen nowadays have it easy. I have about 8-10 housemen in my ward which has about 45-50 patients. They distribute the patients according to cubicles and most of the times, 1 housemen will be in charge of only about 5-6 patients.
and they still muck things up; one told us confidently during morning rounds that the patient is still being kept fasting awaiting op whereas the said patient had already undergone his procedure the night before.
Eh, did you review the patient or just the case notes?
I try to be nice because I know it can be hard but seriously?
I remember coming to work at half six to bucketfuls of blood requests, going for rounds and then more blood taking - not to mention chasing after radiologists for appointments then accompanying patients for procedures and interspersed between all that, clerking anywhere between 4-8 cases per day.
Some housemen go through the day not clerking any cases at all.
Things are different nowadays indeed.
What will the shift system mean? No oncalls. That would be weird. Being oncall has been so synonymous with being a doctor, that I can't imagine not doing oncalls. I guess one can look at it and say, a well rested doctor is a safe doctor. But, an under exposed doctor can be a dangerous one too.
One doesn't learn during ward rounds; I learnt most of it while being oncall. Being oncall means you get to see the cases and come up with a preliminary plan before presenting it to your superior and see whether you have got it right. Being oncall also means that you get your MO to yourself so, depending on how approachable he/she is, you get to ask questions that you dare not ask during the rounds.
Some say the shift system is being introduced in response to the many parents who have complained about how tired their little princes and princesses after working for more than 36 hours. Some say, it it because too much money is being spent paying for oncall claims, now that there are so many of them but I think, the bottom line is whether it will be the best thing for the patients?
Furthermore, when the housemen have been trained in a shift system, how will they cope with the oncall system once they become MOs? Will that mean that subsequently the shift system will involve the MO as well?
I wait the future with bated breath.
The hospital will be implementing the shift system for the housemen soon. They started a trial run in one of the hospitals and since it has been getting such 'good' feedback, they are now starting it here.
I'm not too clear on how it is going to be, but apparently there will be three shifts with periods of overlap between the two for about two hours. The housemen at the other hospital allegedly loved this new system, because it meant abolishment of the oncall system and it is heard that the MOs, on the other hand aren't too happy as it meant that the housemen were handing over their work to the next shift and nothing ever gets done.
Things are bad as it is; I didn't have housemen till about a year and a half ago and even then we only had two or three at a time. Fortunately most of them have been really good and never brought us much problems so I was totally unprepared for the lousy quality of young doctors that I am seeing here.
I try to take a step back and wonder if I was ever this bad when I was a houseman and I think I was even worse so I try to cut them a little slack, but it irks me when their lack of responsibility for their patients and sense of pride in their work affects how the ward is run.
Note that I didn't say lack of knowledge - a boss I had once said it doesn't really matter if you don't have the knowledge, because you can always go back and read but if you have an attitude problem, well, good luck I guess.
I don't want to sound like an old fart and start reminiscing about the 'good old days' because I hated hearing it when I was being told off by my specialists - but I do honestly think the housemen nowadays have it easy. I have about 8-10 housemen in my ward which has about 45-50 patients. They distribute the patients according to cubicles and most of the times, 1 housemen will be in charge of only about 5-6 patients.
and they still muck things up; one told us confidently during morning rounds that the patient is still being kept fasting awaiting op whereas the said patient had already undergone his procedure the night before.
Eh, did you review the patient or just the case notes?
I try to be nice because I know it can be hard but seriously?
I remember coming to work at half six to bucketfuls of blood requests, going for rounds and then more blood taking - not to mention chasing after radiologists for appointments then accompanying patients for procedures and interspersed between all that, clerking anywhere between 4-8 cases per day.
Some housemen go through the day not clerking any cases at all.
Things are different nowadays indeed.
What will the shift system mean? No oncalls. That would be weird. Being oncall has been so synonymous with being a doctor, that I can't imagine not doing oncalls. I guess one can look at it and say, a well rested doctor is a safe doctor. But, an under exposed doctor can be a dangerous one too.
One doesn't learn during ward rounds; I learnt most of it while being oncall. Being oncall means you get to see the cases and come up with a preliminary plan before presenting it to your superior and see whether you have got it right. Being oncall also means that you get your MO to yourself so, depending on how approachable he/she is, you get to ask questions that you dare not ask during the rounds.
Some say the shift system is being introduced in response to the many parents who have complained about how tired their little princes and princesses after working for more than 36 hours. Some say, it it because too much money is being spent paying for oncall claims, now that there are so many of them but I think, the bottom line is whether it will be the best thing for the patients?
Furthermore, when the housemen have been trained in a shift system, how will they cope with the oncall system once they become MOs? Will that mean that subsequently the shift system will involve the MO as well?
I wait the future with bated breath.
Tuesday, July 05, 2011
Adapting
After about 6-7 years being in a few district postings, I am finding myself slowly adapting to being in a tertiary centre.
As I said to a friend, I will be receiving cases of spinal shock and polytraumas rather than referring them. It will be quite a different kettle of fish.
On top of that, I found that I have forgotten the politics that are involved in a large department. You find that one says one thing yet means another. Being at the bottom of the rung, we found ourselves bearing the brunt of many dissatisfaction. Many times we were thrown the deep end of the pool with no one to tell us what to do. We found ourselves doing ward rounds and then rushing to the clinic and still get told off for being late yet the seniors get away with murder.
After many years of being the reliable one, the right hand woman - it takes a while to be the person everyone trusts the least simply because you are new.
I find solace in my fellow Masters Programme-mates; despite all this we can still find reason to laugh it off and make each other promise that we won't be 'that way' once we are at 'that stage'. Classes offer a short reprieve from the sometimes confusing rounds - yet I am sometimes reminded why I had deferred from applying in the past years.
Not having Abg around after work was a little weird as well. There were only a handful of times we were apart (exception of course when I am oncall because that counts as being at work) since we got married so it was weird being 'single' again.
It will take time but I am adapting.
As I said to a friend, I will be receiving cases of spinal shock and polytraumas rather than referring them. It will be quite a different kettle of fish.
On top of that, I found that I have forgotten the politics that are involved in a large department. You find that one says one thing yet means another. Being at the bottom of the rung, we found ourselves bearing the brunt of many dissatisfaction. Many times we were thrown the deep end of the pool with no one to tell us what to do. We found ourselves doing ward rounds and then rushing to the clinic and still get told off for being late yet the seniors get away with murder.
After many years of being the reliable one, the right hand woman - it takes a while to be the person everyone trusts the least simply because you are new.
I find solace in my fellow Masters Programme-mates; despite all this we can still find reason to laugh it off and make each other promise that we won't be 'that way' once we are at 'that stage'. Classes offer a short reprieve from the sometimes confusing rounds - yet I am sometimes reminded why I had deferred from applying in the past years.
Not having Abg around after work was a little weird as well. There were only a handful of times we were apart (exception of course when I am oncall because that counts as being at work) since we got married so it was weird being 'single' again.
It will take time but I am adapting.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Masters Programme application
I remember when I was thinking about applying for my Masters Programme in Orthopedics, trying to look for information on the web.
I googled every single phrase possible - sarjana perubatan, cara memohon, prosedur memohon (in both English and Bahasa) - and nothing. Basically, one relies on word of mouth and from seniors who had already been chosen.
Basically, there are two important steps involved. Somewhere in April, the application for Hadiah Latihan Persekutuan (HLP) will be out. I knew about it from colleagues who were also keen to apply that same year. Application has to be made online and you have to get a PIN number from BSN. What you do is you go to BSN and fill in a form for sarjana perubatan and pay a fee of (I think) RM25. You log on with this PIN number and fill up your application. You get three tries in case you need to amend anything. After the dateline, you will get a confirmation about your application.
You MUST MUST apply for HLP before you apply for the Masters Programme. HLP is the 'scholarship' that the KKM gives you in order for you to continue your studies. Basically one has to be below the age of 40 at date of application (I don't think many MOs above the age of 40 would want to go through 4+ years of studying anyway), have been in service for 3 years, have been confirmed and have obtained an average of 85% and above for the yearly review (Sasaran Kerja Tahunan).
Then you wait.
In September, the actual Masters Programme application form will be out and you will have to fill in several forms, depending on the number of universities you have applied to. I would advise putting at least three, giving you at least one chance of being called. You will need passport photographs, references from your bosses and finally you post them all to the respective unis.
One of the interesting questions asked in the application form is to write a 100-word essay on why you chose this particular specialty. I was told to write in Bahasa but wanting to be different, and considering UIA's medium is English, I gave both. Apparently, one other candidate who is also in the current Ortho programme did the same. So, I say, never hurts to try.
Try to be different in your essay. Make yourself stand out as someone passionate and in possession of a personality.
Then you wait a little more and with luck, you will be called for an interview in February or March. All unis now have some sort of an entrance exam. Apparently O&G have one of the hardest. Other specialties are following suit as every year there are increasing number of candidates, so they need a filter system to weed out those who may not be so suitable.
I must say my interview did not go that well and I was more than 80% sure I wasn't going to be chosen. As I was the first one to be called, my interviewers were interrupted a few times that I wasn't sure whether they actually listened to what I had to say.
I had worked in a district hospital with a small Ortho unit but being small, it meant I had to do almost everything. My experience was limited to open procedures and I was hugely disadvantaged by other candidates who could put in locking nails with one eye closed and their right hand tied behind them, but I had hoped that my many years (compared to other candidates who had been working for only 4-5 years, as opposed to me who had been working for 9 years) would at least give me the maturity and experience advantage.
I don't know what it was that made the lecturers choose me but I must have shown them something.
So, if they say you can't be picked for working in a district hospital, they are wrong. I know of one other MO who was also chosen, despite working in a district hospital. Mainly it is how you carry yourself during your interview. A good word put in by your boss can help too, I think. Try to participate in non-work activities too - be a committee member, play sports, help with organizing courses - every little thing helps.
I was asked by my boss to be leader in the QAP project twice and at that time I was moaning and whining about it but looking back I am thankful. It may not be much, but it will give you something to talk about and put you just a little ahead of the other MOs who haven't done things like that.
Finally, during the interview, you may feel a little intimidated looking at all the other applicants - you may think that they have done more procedures than you or are cleverer than you but first and foremost, believe in yourself. If you have genuine passion for what you are doing and most importantly ikhlas (sincere) - I think it does show.
Good luck!
I googled every single phrase possible - sarjana perubatan, cara memohon, prosedur memohon (in both English and Bahasa) - and nothing. Basically, one relies on word of mouth and from seniors who had already been chosen.
Basically, there are two important steps involved. Somewhere in April, the application for Hadiah Latihan Persekutuan (HLP) will be out. I knew about it from colleagues who were also keen to apply that same year. Application has to be made online and you have to get a PIN number from BSN. What you do is you go to BSN and fill in a form for sarjana perubatan and pay a fee of (I think) RM25. You log on with this PIN number and fill up your application. You get three tries in case you need to amend anything. After the dateline, you will get a confirmation about your application.
You MUST MUST apply for HLP before you apply for the Masters Programme. HLP is the 'scholarship' that the KKM gives you in order for you to continue your studies. Basically one has to be below the age of 40 at date of application (I don't think many MOs above the age of 40 would want to go through 4+ years of studying anyway), have been in service for 3 years, have been confirmed and have obtained an average of 85% and above for the yearly review (Sasaran Kerja Tahunan).
Then you wait.
In September, the actual Masters Programme application form will be out and you will have to fill in several forms, depending on the number of universities you have applied to. I would advise putting at least three, giving you at least one chance of being called. You will need passport photographs, references from your bosses and finally you post them all to the respective unis.
One of the interesting questions asked in the application form is to write a 100-word essay on why you chose this particular specialty. I was told to write in Bahasa but wanting to be different, and considering UIA's medium is English, I gave both. Apparently, one other candidate who is also in the current Ortho programme did the same. So, I say, never hurts to try.
Try to be different in your essay. Make yourself stand out as someone passionate and in possession of a personality.
Then you wait a little more and with luck, you will be called for an interview in February or March. All unis now have some sort of an entrance exam. Apparently O&G have one of the hardest. Other specialties are following suit as every year there are increasing number of candidates, so they need a filter system to weed out those who may not be so suitable.
I must say my interview did not go that well and I was more than 80% sure I wasn't going to be chosen. As I was the first one to be called, my interviewers were interrupted a few times that I wasn't sure whether they actually listened to what I had to say.
I had worked in a district hospital with a small Ortho unit but being small, it meant I had to do almost everything. My experience was limited to open procedures and I was hugely disadvantaged by other candidates who could put in locking nails with one eye closed and their right hand tied behind them, but I had hoped that my many years (compared to other candidates who had been working for only 4-5 years, as opposed to me who had been working for 9 years) would at least give me the maturity and experience advantage.
I don't know what it was that made the lecturers choose me but I must have shown them something.
So, if they say you can't be picked for working in a district hospital, they are wrong. I know of one other MO who was also chosen, despite working in a district hospital. Mainly it is how you carry yourself during your interview. A good word put in by your boss can help too, I think. Try to participate in non-work activities too - be a committee member, play sports, help with organizing courses - every little thing helps.
I was asked by my boss to be leader in the QAP project twice and at that time I was moaning and whining about it but looking back I am thankful. It may not be much, but it will give you something to talk about and put you just a little ahead of the other MOs who haven't done things like that.
Finally, during the interview, you may feel a little intimidated looking at all the other applicants - you may think that they have done more procedures than you or are cleverer than you but first and foremost, believe in yourself. If you have genuine passion for what you are doing and most importantly ikhlas (sincere) - I think it does show.
Good luck!
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Settling
I am lying on the floor as I write this. Moving has been stressful - the process of finding the perfect house, furnishing it - I don't think I'd want to go through it anytime soon. We've got the vital pieces of furniture in (and when I say vital, that means an aircond and ASTRO) and it is now livable but still far from being my ideal home.
Being a newbie threw me off for the first week. Getting accustomed to new wards and the clinic and having pass overs took much of my mental capabilities but now that that has passed, I am glad that my Ortho head has come back to me. I am still lost when managing and preparing cases for TKRs and ILNs but I think I will be alright.
I miss the good relationship that I had with my former boss. Back then I knew almost all of the cases even when they had their operations, I would memorise the OT list from two weeks ahead and sometimes acted as my boss's PA, reminding him about xray meetings and CMEs.
The house is great - it's in a nice area, clean and has a huge lawn. If the owner wasn't asking such a ridiculous price for it, I think we would be happy to make it permanent.
It may be too early to say, but I think I will be happy here.
Being a newbie threw me off for the first week. Getting accustomed to new wards and the clinic and having pass overs took much of my mental capabilities but now that that has passed, I am glad that my Ortho head has come back to me. I am still lost when managing and preparing cases for TKRs and ILNs but I think I will be alright.
I miss the good relationship that I had with my former boss. Back then I knew almost all of the cases even when they had their operations, I would memorise the OT list from two weeks ahead and sometimes acted as my boss's PA, reminding him about xray meetings and CMEs.
The house is great - it's in a nice area, clean and has a huge lawn. If the owner wasn't asking such a ridiculous price for it, I think we would be happy to make it permanent.
It may be too early to say, but I think I will be happy here.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
The end of an era
So this is it. After nearly 5 years (and then plus the one I came here right after I completed my housemanship training) in Hospital Tanah Merah, I am leaving.
I am very bad at saying goodbyes. Partly because I don't think anyone would miss me. Afterall, work is work and very rarely do I get on personal terms with my colleagues and staff. Though I am cordial with them, I find that they would usually go to the friendlier MOs for favours.
WHICH, is fine with me, because favours can be awkward. Some people think they can request special 'stuff' because you are nice with them. Like signing medical check ups without really examining the patient. Or hiding certain facts about the parents' medical background. Or writing support letters to get someone transferred. Or providing MCs for someone who is just too lazy to return to work after the Raya holiday. Heck, even my sisters won't get an MC from me if they aren't really sick!
I am also known as the serious one at work. I am also bad at small talk - as I've repeatedly mentioned before. I find that when I have nothing substantial to say, I tend to revert to talking rubbish or even worse, gossips. So I made a resolution to avoid speaking unless necessary.
However, after five years working at the same place, it is impossible not to be on a personal level with the people you work with. We visit each other when someone is ill, we celebrate new additions to the family - it becomes almost family-like.
and how does one say goodbye to family?
To my 'partner in crime', whom I know reads my blog occasionally - you are like a member of my family. I hope now that we are not working together, that we will continue to be friends. You are one of the rare breed of people whom I can tolerate even after major squabbles. Bagitau aku, dgn sape lagi aku boleh berbaik semula walaupun lepas gaduh2? Takde kan. I don't think we need farewell speeches because good friends already know everything that is unsaid. Halalkan semua ilmu yg kau dah turunkan kat aku, halalkan yg termakan terminum. Apa2, kau carik aku tau.
Goodbye HTM - panjang umur kita jumpa lagi.
I am very bad at saying goodbyes. Partly because I don't think anyone would miss me. Afterall, work is work and very rarely do I get on personal terms with my colleagues and staff. Though I am cordial with them, I find that they would usually go to the friendlier MOs for favours.
WHICH, is fine with me, because favours can be awkward. Some people think they can request special 'stuff' because you are nice with them. Like signing medical check ups without really examining the patient. Or hiding certain facts about the parents' medical background. Or writing support letters to get someone transferred. Or providing MCs for someone who is just too lazy to return to work after the Raya holiday. Heck, even my sisters won't get an MC from me if they aren't really sick!
I am also known as the serious one at work. I am also bad at small talk - as I've repeatedly mentioned before. I find that when I have nothing substantial to say, I tend to revert to talking rubbish or even worse, gossips. So I made a resolution to avoid speaking unless necessary.
However, after five years working at the same place, it is impossible not to be on a personal level with the people you work with. We visit each other when someone is ill, we celebrate new additions to the family - it becomes almost family-like.
and how does one say goodbye to family?
To my 'partner in crime', whom I know reads my blog occasionally - you are like a member of my family. I hope now that we are not working together, that we will continue to be friends. You are one of the rare breed of people whom I can tolerate even after major squabbles. Bagitau aku, dgn sape lagi aku boleh berbaik semula walaupun lepas gaduh2? Takde kan. I don't think we need farewell speeches because good friends already know everything that is unsaid. Halalkan semua ilmu yg kau dah turunkan kat aku, halalkan yg termakan terminum. Apa2, kau carik aku tau.
Goodbye HTM - panjang umur kita jumpa lagi.
Wednesday, May 04, 2011
Help!
I've a tonne of butterflies flying in my stomach and I don't know how to get rid of them! I've not been this nervous - not even the day I got married - for a very long time.
I am suspecting that it will get even worse as the day approaches.
Doubts are creeping in like there's no tomorrow and I've even started to get nightmares about people quitting!
Deep breaths, very deep breaths.
I am suspecting that it will get even worse as the day approaches.
Doubts are creeping in like there's no tomorrow and I've even started to get nightmares about people quitting!
Deep breaths, very deep breaths.
Friday, April 29, 2011
New chapter
The official letters are finally here so I can finally stop clicking the mohe website to check and recheck to see if IT's seriously true.
They weigh a tonne, and consists of documents I have not filled in for myself since I joined the JPA A-Level programme about 15 years ago. My god, has it been already 15 years? Still rasa macam budak form 5.
Sometimes I am struck by self doubt and it almost makes me want to change my mind. It is a hard thing to leave one's comfort zone, I think. So hard that I have to turn to Abg and ask, "Betul ke nak buat benda nie?" [Do I really want to do this?]
Am I regretting leaving it till this late? Most of my friends are already specialists and even have already subspecialised. Others who have decided to not pursue their studies are already comfortably set where they are.
No - I sincerely believe that things will fall into their own places regardless -so there is no use getting your panties in a twist just because your friend is now a big shot specialist or that your friend who started work a few months later than you did finally got confirmed and you didn't. Ada-ada la tu rezeki masing-masing.
I am just happy that I have chosen to do this in something that I enjoy. I may not be excellent at it and procedures I did will still need revision occasionally but I love what I do. I did not choose this because it doesn't require you to be oncall or that it is looked upon as EASY or because you happen to be doing this in your 6th housemanship training - but I really like doing it.
I am scared about moving to a new place - one would think after all that training during school years that I would have gotten myself used to moving about - but am also excited about the new start and a new journey.
Here's to an exciting new undertaking!
They weigh a tonne, and consists of documents I have not filled in for myself since I joined the JPA A-Level programme about 15 years ago. My god, has it been already 15 years? Still rasa macam budak form 5.
Sometimes I am struck by self doubt and it almost makes me want to change my mind. It is a hard thing to leave one's comfort zone, I think. So hard that I have to turn to Abg and ask, "Betul ke nak buat benda nie?" [Do I really want to do this?]
Am I regretting leaving it till this late? Most of my friends are already specialists and even have already subspecialised. Others who have decided to not pursue their studies are already comfortably set where they are.
No - I sincerely believe that things will fall into their own places regardless -so there is no use getting your panties in a twist just because your friend is now a big shot specialist or that your friend who started work a few months later than you did finally got confirmed and you didn't. Ada-ada la tu rezeki masing-masing.
I am just happy that I have chosen to do this in something that I enjoy. I may not be excellent at it and procedures I did will still need revision occasionally but I love what I do. I did not choose this because it doesn't require you to be oncall or that it is looked upon as EASY or because you happen to be doing this in your 6th housemanship training - but I really like doing it.
I am scared about moving to a new place - one would think after all that training during school years that I would have gotten myself used to moving about - but am also excited about the new start and a new journey.
Here's to an exciting new undertaking!
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Dreams
I've never had dreams where we had a life with kids in it.
I am tempted to let that statement just lie there, or maybe throw it out into the darkness of this Subuh morning.
People say dreams are manifestations of your wants and hopes. I've had multiple dreams where I had gone back to school - sometimes back to my MRSM times and sometimes back to med school - and looks like I am sort of doing that this year.
But never a dream with kids. Well, at least not in the ones that I remember anyway.
I am tempted to let that statement just lie there, or maybe throw it out into the darkness of this Subuh morning.
People say dreams are manifestations of your wants and hopes. I've had multiple dreams where I had gone back to school - sometimes back to my MRSM times and sometimes back to med school - and looks like I am sort of doing that this year.
But never a dream with kids. Well, at least not in the ones that I remember anyway.
Saturday, April 09, 2011
The tale of Spicy
People say, you don't actually choose your pet; they choose you.
That's certainly the case with Tuah. I was walking to my car and he was just sitting there. At that time I had about 15 cats already with me and certainly did not need one more. I found that when there are too many, I tended to neglect some of them so I've always liked to keep them below a certain number. Though, God willing, one day I hope to be able to bring home as many as I liked.
Without even thinking about it, I scooped him up - he was scruffy and thin and nowhere near 'cute' - but he had sad sad eyes which looked up at me and my heart melted.
When the vet said he needed an operation, I knew what I had to do. It didn't matter how much it cost - we (Abg and I) have always thought that our cats brought us Allah's blessings in their own way. We just wanted Tuah to be well.
Tuah in the first few days after the operation
Now, Tuah is healthy and playful and I hope, happy. He has the softest fur and the most cheeky personality. Come feeding time, when we'd put kibbles in their food bowl, Tuah would paw individual kibbles OUT of the bowl onto the floor before eating it. It makes for very slow eating and also some degree of wastefulness as some of it will fall through the rubber mat - but he can be interesting to watch.
I met Spicy one Friday morning on the way to breakfast. We had gone to pick up Fizzy from the vet - he had been having an upper respiratory infection and had been sneezing blood - and wanted to eat first while waiting for the vet to open. She was sitting there, her right front leg bent at an awkward angle, the bone protruding from the wound.
She looked up at me mewing softly and I said to her, if you are still here after I've had my breakfast, I will bring you home and she was. Dr Palani was amused but understanding and named her Spicy, after the mamak stall where he had found her.
Three weeks on, Spicy is now home. Her front right leg had been amputated near the shoulder to prevent her from getting chronic ulcers on her stump. Her fur is dirty and she barely has teeth to chew her food with and is always coughing. One wonders what her life was like before we took her.
But Spicy has the sweetest manner - all she wants you to do is stroke her head and scratch her chin. If we're eating, no matter how delicious it might have smelled to her, she would wait patiently by the table, pleading with her sad eyes. She may have only three legs but boy, can those legs hop when she thinks we're going to feed her. Sometimes she looks like a kangaroo more than a cat.
I think Spicy will be just fine.
That's certainly the case with Tuah. I was walking to my car and he was just sitting there. At that time I had about 15 cats already with me and certainly did not need one more. I found that when there are too many, I tended to neglect some of them so I've always liked to keep them below a certain number. Though, God willing, one day I hope to be able to bring home as many as I liked.
Without even thinking about it, I scooped him up - he was scruffy and thin and nowhere near 'cute' - but he had sad sad eyes which looked up at me and my heart melted.
When the vet said he needed an operation, I knew what I had to do. It didn't matter how much it cost - we (Abg and I) have always thought that our cats brought us Allah's blessings in their own way. We just wanted Tuah to be well.
Tuah in the first few days after the operation
Now, Tuah is healthy and playful and I hope, happy. He has the softest fur and the most cheeky personality. Come feeding time, when we'd put kibbles in their food bowl, Tuah would paw individual kibbles OUT of the bowl onto the floor before eating it. It makes for very slow eating and also some degree of wastefulness as some of it will fall through the rubber mat - but he can be interesting to watch.
I met Spicy one Friday morning on the way to breakfast. We had gone to pick up Fizzy from the vet - he had been having an upper respiratory infection and had been sneezing blood - and wanted to eat first while waiting for the vet to open. She was sitting there, her right front leg bent at an awkward angle, the bone protruding from the wound.
She looked up at me mewing softly and I said to her, if you are still here after I've had my breakfast, I will bring you home and she was. Dr Palani was amused but understanding and named her Spicy, after the mamak stall where he had found her.
Three weeks on, Spicy is now home. Her front right leg had been amputated near the shoulder to prevent her from getting chronic ulcers on her stump. Her fur is dirty and she barely has teeth to chew her food with and is always coughing. One wonders what her life was like before we took her.
But Spicy has the sweetest manner - all she wants you to do is stroke her head and scratch her chin. If we're eating, no matter how delicious it might have smelled to her, she would wait patiently by the table, pleading with her sad eyes. She may have only three legs but boy, can those legs hop when she thinks we're going to feed her. Sometimes she looks like a kangaroo more than a cat.
I think Spicy will be just fine.
Friday, April 08, 2011
Another post call musing
The thing I love most about my job is that, you never know what is going to happen.
Yes, I come into work, expecting to see another case of mat rempit wannabe with a few broken bones, or a makcik with severe OA of the knees and clinics will usually consist of advising patients to take care of their casts and to not weight bear etc etc.
But, it is the things in between that can make my day so interesting. Like the pakcik who brought us huge durians from his orchard, or the makcik with the diabetic foot who brought a gunnyfull of buah salak or the sweet little kid who says bye-bye with that toothless cheeky smile.
Also, there is this patient who cried when her operation did not yield the result she wanted or the parents who wanted surgical corection for the deformed elbow due to a neglected fracture.
Something happened during last night's call which made me wonder about the difference in expectations of us medical providers and the patients (+relatives). What the relatives perceive as fine or stable or improving may not be the same as doctors. Though he or she may look OK, but I am sure the MO must have noted the persistant CO2 buildup or the increasing respiratory distress which has been left unnoticed by the people around the patient.
To what extent does an MO have to update a patient's condition to the relatives, especially when the case suddenly deteriorates and the MO only has a split second to decide whether or not to aggressively resuscitate?
Does one wait and explain EVERYTHING to the relatives while the patient is gasping and getting bluer by the second, and with that, wasting precious time?
I would like to think that the words came out due to the stress and concern; perhaps that patient's son may be a reasonable and even considerate person had the situation been different but when one knows that one has done one's best, being told that a relative is highly dissatisfied with you can be so demoralising.
Yes, I come into work, expecting to see another case of mat rempit wannabe with a few broken bones, or a makcik with severe OA of the knees and clinics will usually consist of advising patients to take care of their casts and to not weight bear etc etc.
But, it is the things in between that can make my day so interesting. Like the pakcik who brought us huge durians from his orchard, or the makcik with the diabetic foot who brought a gunnyfull of buah salak or the sweet little kid who says bye-bye with that toothless cheeky smile.
Also, there is this patient who cried when her operation did not yield the result she wanted or the parents who wanted surgical corection for the deformed elbow due to a neglected fracture.
Something happened during last night's call which made me wonder about the difference in expectations of us medical providers and the patients (+relatives). What the relatives perceive as fine or stable or improving may not be the same as doctors. Though he or she may look OK, but I am sure the MO must have noted the persistant CO2 buildup or the increasing respiratory distress which has been left unnoticed by the people around the patient.
To what extent does an MO have to update a patient's condition to the relatives, especially when the case suddenly deteriorates and the MO only has a split second to decide whether or not to aggressively resuscitate?
Does one wait and explain EVERYTHING to the relatives while the patient is gasping and getting bluer by the second, and with that, wasting precious time?
I would like to think that the words came out due to the stress and concern; perhaps that patient's son may be a reasonable and even considerate person had the situation been different but when one knows that one has done one's best, being told that a relative is highly dissatisfied with you can be so demoralising.
Saturday, April 02, 2011
The next stage
I would like to think that all the good things (and there have been maaaaany) that happen to me is a reward. Maybe it is because of the prayers of the strays that I keep bringing home. Maybe it is the prayers of my mother.
Sometimes, good things happen when you least expect it. Don't you think so?
So, am I up for the challenge?
Sometimes, good things happen when you least expect it. Don't you think so?
So, am I up for the challenge?
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Tears on a Sunday afternoon
The labour room can be a sad sad place.
Not only the cries of the newborns remind me of my state, it can also be a place where hope is lost, and tears are shed.
Sunday morning is usually pretty light especially when there aren't emergency cases lined up. I was hanging about the labour room which is joined to the OT when I heard soft sobbings behind me.
The consultant was talking in that special voice that I know they use when conveying bad news. The sobbing was heavy with shattered dreams and painful longing. I almost recognise it as mine not too long ago.
They had been married for 26 years. The news of the wife's pregnancy, at her age of 43, must have been a miraculous moment for both of them. Who would have thought after all this time that they were having not one, but two babies!
This is indeed 'rezeki' - Allah's blessings - and they must have gone through those days with such joy. Had they chosen names, I wonder? Did they imagine what it would be like to finally have kids in that home? The wail of a baby hungry for milk, the cooing when they are happy, the shrieks of laughter as you play peek-a-boo. To stroke that soft skin and run your hands through their hair and inhale the sweet smell of powder and that special baby smell.
To be told that all those dreams are no longer theirs - must have been heart breaking. It must have felt like your life is being torn out of your body.
Three years ago, I had hung on to the very last shred of hope, till I know there isn't any to hold on to any longer. Sometimes, I thought I had been in a nightmare, willing myself to wake up but I can't. I am sorry for that couple. I know what you two must be going through.
But know that to have lasted 26 years - that is the kind of love and devotion that has become so rare nowadays. Couples with kids can barely get through their 10th anniversary nowadays, and some are married for two weeks before calling it quits - it is ridiculous that the marriage institution has become a joke.
Please do remember that your husband must love you very much - that he accepts you the way you are and will tell you that you alone is enough for him. You will cry and cry and maybe cry a little more for the next few weeks and then the pain will start to lessen. The ache will become less dull but at times you will remember and you may shed a tear but that is ok.
I have not cried for quite some time but today I did.
I cried not just because of the miracle that I once lost but also for all the unseen blessings in my life; sometimes we tend to concentrate on things that we don't have that we forget to see the miracles that are right in front of us.
Not only the cries of the newborns remind me of my state, it can also be a place where hope is lost, and tears are shed.
Sunday morning is usually pretty light especially when there aren't emergency cases lined up. I was hanging about the labour room which is joined to the OT when I heard soft sobbings behind me.
The consultant was talking in that special voice that I know they use when conveying bad news. The sobbing was heavy with shattered dreams and painful longing. I almost recognise it as mine not too long ago.
They had been married for 26 years. The news of the wife's pregnancy, at her age of 43, must have been a miraculous moment for both of them. Who would have thought after all this time that they were having not one, but two babies!
This is indeed 'rezeki' - Allah's blessings - and they must have gone through those days with such joy. Had they chosen names, I wonder? Did they imagine what it would be like to finally have kids in that home? The wail of a baby hungry for milk, the cooing when they are happy, the shrieks of laughter as you play peek-a-boo. To stroke that soft skin and run your hands through their hair and inhale the sweet smell of powder and that special baby smell.
To be told that all those dreams are no longer theirs - must have been heart breaking. It must have felt like your life is being torn out of your body.
Three years ago, I had hung on to the very last shred of hope, till I know there isn't any to hold on to any longer. Sometimes, I thought I had been in a nightmare, willing myself to wake up but I can't. I am sorry for that couple. I know what you two must be going through.
But know that to have lasted 26 years - that is the kind of love and devotion that has become so rare nowadays. Couples with kids can barely get through their 10th anniversary nowadays, and some are married for two weeks before calling it quits - it is ridiculous that the marriage institution has become a joke.
Please do remember that your husband must love you very much - that he accepts you the way you are and will tell you that you alone is enough for him. You will cry and cry and maybe cry a little more for the next few weeks and then the pain will start to lessen. The ache will become less dull but at times you will remember and you may shed a tear but that is ok.
I have not cried for quite some time but today I did.
I cried not just because of the miracle that I once lost but also for all the unseen blessings in my life; sometimes we tend to concentrate on things that we don't have that we forget to see the miracles that are right in front of us.
Monday, March 21, 2011
The first step is always the hardest
but overcoming it doesn't mean the rest of the way will be easy.
Am I regretting not doing it earlier? I don't know. Don't believe in being regretful, to be honest. I think life is too short to dwell on things that could have or should have or all the probablies and maybes.
or maybe I am just making excuses.
Am I regretting not doing it earlier? I don't know. Don't believe in being regretful, to be honest. I think life is too short to dwell on things that could have or should have or all the probablies and maybes.
or maybe I am just making excuses.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Why is it....
....that one is always reluctant to get something using one's own money, yet have no problem when someone else buys it for you?
The thing is, one knows that one can afford it but never gets round to buying it because when push comes to shove, you think, no, this is too expensive - a family of four can survive for a whole month on this and you come up with all the possible excuses under the sun - BUT, doesn't even need to consider thinking twice about accepting said item as a gift.
Right?
So, as much as I am saying "No, you shouldn't have", I want you to know that I absolutely love it and for the rest of the week before even considering using it, will probably take it out of its bag when I know you're not looking just to gaze at it and inhale its sweet sweet smell.
The thing is, one knows that one can afford it but never gets round to buying it because when push comes to shove, you think, no, this is too expensive - a family of four can survive for a whole month on this and you come up with all the possible excuses under the sun - BUT, doesn't even need to consider thinking twice about accepting said item as a gift.
Right?
So, as much as I am saying "No, you shouldn't have", I want you to know that I absolutely love it and for the rest of the week before even considering using it, will probably take it out of its bag when I know you're not looking just to gaze at it and inhale its sweet sweet smell.
Sunday, February 06, 2011
Salty booger or practical?
People have been asking me when I'll be replacing my car with a newer one.
I drive a nearly 7 year-old Kenari. I bought it right after I got married, with the purpose of driving myself to work after moving into Abg's house. It's never been in an accident - Al Hamdulillah - and recently I had it repainted, the multiple scratches and minor dents were becoming an eyesore. I full settled it about a year ago and it is completely mine.
It's engine may be loud when I drive more than 110km/h that I can't hear the radio. We can't drive it long distance unless we intended to spend the following day in bed due to back pain but it is a modest car and it serves its function: getting me to work and back so there isn't any good reason for me to replace it.
It's fantastic for going to the weekend market when there are limited parking space and the reclining back seat gives it more space in case I need to transport bulky stuff. In short, there is nothing that it can't give me, in terms of being a car.
For the others, well, that is where Abg's car comes in.
Similarly, I was changing in the OT when someone asked me, do you wear only 'bawal' headscarfs (referring to the older version of 'tudung's where you need to pin it under the chin and fold it at the temple to give it the streamlined look, as opposed to the automatic version where you just put it on)? Why won't you use the latest trend 'tudung's - it's faster to wear.
People asked me this before and I told her, as I told the other people who asked me before, 'Then what will I do with the whole bunch of 'tudung bawal's that I have?'. She said, just keep them and I thought to myself, for what exactly?
A headscarf is a headscarf, it's function is to complete the hijab - so if my old fashioned 'bawal' headscarfs still does that, then I think I will hold on to it a little while longer, thanks. No offense to those who do, but I just hate seeing things go to waste. I recently saw someone showing her Aryani headscarf collection - there is one (or maybe more) for each colour of the rainbow!
Now, should the next trend arrive - will one have to 'just keep' those too?
As it is, I'm only using 5-6 of my bawal headscarfs on a regular basis. The rest are just sitting in a suitcase, for all I know, being consumed by roaches and moths.
and it's not just about cars or headscarfs - it's furniture, curtains, mobile phones - it never ends. Recently I wanted to inquire about getting my sofa reupholstered. I bought the set about 5 years ago and despite being scratched to death by my furkids and having it's foam bursting all over the place, the structure is still very strong and it is very comfy. Having it reupholstered will cost me nearly the price I bought it in the first place so someone asked my why don't you just get a new one? The thing is, I can't bear throwing it away, because I know, with a little facelift, it can still serve its purpose and getting rid of it will only mean that it will get burned or take space at the rubbish dump.
Does it sound silly? I just can't stand knowing that the good part will be thrown away with the broken part that I will spend money to fix the broken part. Like, for another instance, the office chair that broke one of its five legs on wheels. Since the cushion is still intact and clean and definitely had more life in it still, I'm planning to find a second hand office chair just so I could replace the legs rather than buy a new one.
Some people may call it being thrifty I guess but hey, whatever makes one happy, right?
I drive a nearly 7 year-old Kenari. I bought it right after I got married, with the purpose of driving myself to work after moving into Abg's house. It's never been in an accident - Al Hamdulillah - and recently I had it repainted, the multiple scratches and minor dents were becoming an eyesore. I full settled it about a year ago and it is completely mine.
It's engine may be loud when I drive more than 110km/h that I can't hear the radio. We can't drive it long distance unless we intended to spend the following day in bed due to back pain but it is a modest car and it serves its function: getting me to work and back so there isn't any good reason for me to replace it.
It's fantastic for going to the weekend market when there are limited parking space and the reclining back seat gives it more space in case I need to transport bulky stuff. In short, there is nothing that it can't give me, in terms of being a car.
For the others, well, that is where Abg's car comes in.
Similarly, I was changing in the OT when someone asked me, do you wear only 'bawal' headscarfs (referring to the older version of 'tudung's where you need to pin it under the chin and fold it at the temple to give it the streamlined look, as opposed to the automatic version where you just put it on)? Why won't you use the latest trend 'tudung's - it's faster to wear.
People asked me this before and I told her, as I told the other people who asked me before, 'Then what will I do with the whole bunch of 'tudung bawal's that I have?'. She said, just keep them and I thought to myself, for what exactly?
A headscarf is a headscarf, it's function is to complete the hijab - so if my old fashioned 'bawal' headscarfs still does that, then I think I will hold on to it a little while longer, thanks. No offense to those who do, but I just hate seeing things go to waste. I recently saw someone showing her Aryani headscarf collection - there is one (or maybe more) for each colour of the rainbow!
Now, should the next trend arrive - will one have to 'just keep' those too?
As it is, I'm only using 5-6 of my bawal headscarfs on a regular basis. The rest are just sitting in a suitcase, for all I know, being consumed by roaches and moths.
and it's not just about cars or headscarfs - it's furniture, curtains, mobile phones - it never ends. Recently I wanted to inquire about getting my sofa reupholstered. I bought the set about 5 years ago and despite being scratched to death by my furkids and having it's foam bursting all over the place, the structure is still very strong and it is very comfy. Having it reupholstered will cost me nearly the price I bought it in the first place so someone asked my why don't you just get a new one? The thing is, I can't bear throwing it away, because I know, with a little facelift, it can still serve its purpose and getting rid of it will only mean that it will get burned or take space at the rubbish dump.
Does it sound silly? I just can't stand knowing that the good part will be thrown away with the broken part that I will spend money to fix the broken part. Like, for another instance, the office chair that broke one of its five legs on wheels. Since the cushion is still intact and clean and definitely had more life in it still, I'm planning to find a second hand office chair just so I could replace the legs rather than buy a new one.
Some people may call it being thrifty I guess but hey, whatever makes one happy, right?
Wednesday, February 02, 2011
I wonder...
..how depressed one has to be before contemplating taking one's life?
or how depressed one can be before accepting that ending one's life is a better option than going through it?
or how depressed one can be before accepting that ending one's life is a better option than going through it?
Tuesday, February 01, 2011
Sometimes....
...people amaze me.
How can one make certain assumptions, based on just scanty information here and there, you think you already know the whole story and on top of that, dare to pass judgement?
FYI, I've ceased to acknowledge your existence. I don't talk about you. I don't inquire about your wellbeing. I DON'T CARE.
Waah, sedap pulak kau ckp aku macam-macam. Kenapa aku tak buat macam nie, kenapa aku tak buat macam tu. Ye lah, kau saja la yang perfect kan. Pathetic.
I didn't want to say anything despite all those things you said about me. In fact I was contemplating doing something nice to you - I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt, I wanted to give you a break but noooooo, for some strange reason you think you had the right to pass judgement about me! Hah!
Cuba baiki diri and hidup sendiri dulu boleh tak?
How can one make certain assumptions, based on just scanty information here and there, you think you already know the whole story and on top of that, dare to pass judgement?
FYI, I've ceased to acknowledge your existence. I don't talk about you. I don't inquire about your wellbeing. I DON'T CARE.
Waah, sedap pulak kau ckp aku macam-macam. Kenapa aku tak buat macam nie, kenapa aku tak buat macam tu. Ye lah, kau saja la yang perfect kan. Pathetic.
I didn't want to say anything despite all those things you said about me. In fact I was contemplating doing something nice to you - I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt, I wanted to give you a break but noooooo, for some strange reason you think you had the right to pass judgement about me! Hah!
Cuba baiki diri and hidup sendiri dulu boleh tak?
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Sometimes...
I have always noted how similar yet how different Abg and I are - and I sometimes note that the similarities that we have can be an annoyance. Imagine trying to handle another ME - I don't think that can be pleasant!
Sometimes I am amazed that we have lasted this long. My Ma never fails to point out to me that any other person would have left me a long time ago! Haha. Thanks for the vote of confidence, Ma.
Seriously though - when I look at us, I will be the first to admit that love (or rather Allah's choice of my jodoh) works in the strangest manner.
Occasionally, when the differences are the most obvious, I would tease him and say "This is what you get for not marrying a nice kampung girl!". I don't know whether he realises it or not but at times I really do think that is what he should have done.
I am not the most easily adaptable person on earth - I am happiest curled up in bed with a good book. When there is waiting involved, you would see my nose stuck in between pages of a book rather than staring into nothingness. I don't do small talk because I think people don't really want to know the answer, they just want to fill the awkward silence. I enjoy the company of a small dinner rather than a full blown party; maybe that's just the control freak in me.
Abg hasn't been to his company's Family Day for the past few years. He says it is because he doesn't like to go - but I secretly think it's because I don't want to. In the first year it's alright because everyone knows you've just recently married - but after a few years I am finding myself in an awkward place; he has his friends but I don't really mesh with the other wives because they will talk about the best brand of diapers or milk formula and how their kids are doing at school and what post school activities are best etc etc. Now he doesn't even ask if I want to go.
When there is a family event on his side, I feel awkward because I feel like an outsider in a sea of Kelantanese speaking females. I am tired of smiling when they exclaim in amusement that I don't eat or haven't tried a certain food.
Which is weird because people who know me will say that I can be pretty friendly. At times I can strike a conversation with a complete stranger, so I am not shy.
In the beginning I kept to myself because I was worried about the first impression that I may make. I felt that people expected Abg to marry a local girl and because I was not, I was determined to show that I am the best person for him so I acted like how I expect people expect me to act. After a while, people perceived my quietness as a reluctance to blend in and left me alone.
Abg tries to reassure me but I can see that this is holding him back.
Nowadays my life seems pretty monotonous. Even significant things that happen in my life, I perceive as being insignificant. Sometimes I think I go through my day to day activities like how a robot does.
Is this a rut that every one goes through once in a while in their lives? Should I be doing something or just let this phase pass by?
Sometimes I wish I don't have to even care.
Sometimes I am amazed that we have lasted this long. My Ma never fails to point out to me that any other person would have left me a long time ago! Haha. Thanks for the vote of confidence, Ma.
Seriously though - when I look at us, I will be the first to admit that love (or rather Allah's choice of my jodoh) works in the strangest manner.
Occasionally, when the differences are the most obvious, I would tease him and say "This is what you get for not marrying a nice kampung girl!". I don't know whether he realises it or not but at times I really do think that is what he should have done.
I am not the most easily adaptable person on earth - I am happiest curled up in bed with a good book. When there is waiting involved, you would see my nose stuck in between pages of a book rather than staring into nothingness. I don't do small talk because I think people don't really want to know the answer, they just want to fill the awkward silence. I enjoy the company of a small dinner rather than a full blown party; maybe that's just the control freak in me.
Abg hasn't been to his company's Family Day for the past few years. He says it is because he doesn't like to go - but I secretly think it's because I don't want to. In the first year it's alright because everyone knows you've just recently married - but after a few years I am finding myself in an awkward place; he has his friends but I don't really mesh with the other wives because they will talk about the best brand of diapers or milk formula and how their kids are doing at school and what post school activities are best etc etc. Now he doesn't even ask if I want to go.
When there is a family event on his side, I feel awkward because I feel like an outsider in a sea of Kelantanese speaking females. I am tired of smiling when they exclaim in amusement that I don't eat or haven't tried a certain food.
Which is weird because people who know me will say that I can be pretty friendly. At times I can strike a conversation with a complete stranger, so I am not shy.
In the beginning I kept to myself because I was worried about the first impression that I may make. I felt that people expected Abg to marry a local girl and because I was not, I was determined to show that I am the best person for him so I acted like how I expect people expect me to act. After a while, people perceived my quietness as a reluctance to blend in and left me alone.
Abg tries to reassure me but I can see that this is holding him back.
Nowadays my life seems pretty monotonous. Even significant things that happen in my life, I perceive as being insignificant. Sometimes I think I go through my day to day activities like how a robot does.
Is this a rut that every one goes through once in a while in their lives? Should I be doing something or just let this phase pass by?
Sometimes I wish I don't have to even care.
Thursday, January 06, 2011
Sometimes...
..when one has been cooped up in the room for so long that one believes there is no life better than what one has, a breath of fresh air is all it takes for one to yearn of a different life.
Deep huh?
Well, maybe not so deep. I'm just happy that I'm postcall and it is the weekend tomorrow. The house is slowly resembling a chicken coop and with the wet weather, sometimes even smelling like one.
They say a goldfish has a memory span of only three seconds (turns out this is a myth afterall) - sometimes I wish I had a short memory span. It will make my job extremely difficult though. Perhaps I could apply it to only certain patients and in certain cases only?
It is the most difficult thing to NOT immediately label a patient when you hear IVDU, or crime suspect. How does one ascertain that the altered conscious level is due to a head injury rather than just simply being intoxicated? Sometimes the proof is there right in front of you but bias can be a cruel haze.
The phonecall came this morning while I was seeing cases at the clinic. So I guess here goes nothing. I am not harbouring much hope but it sure will be good if I can.
Deep huh?
Well, maybe not so deep. I'm just happy that I'm postcall and it is the weekend tomorrow. The house is slowly resembling a chicken coop and with the wet weather, sometimes even smelling like one.
They say a goldfish has a memory span of only three seconds (turns out this is a myth afterall) - sometimes I wish I had a short memory span. It will make my job extremely difficult though. Perhaps I could apply it to only certain patients and in certain cases only?
It is the most difficult thing to NOT immediately label a patient when you hear IVDU, or crime suspect. How does one ascertain that the altered conscious level is due to a head injury rather than just simply being intoxicated? Sometimes the proof is there right in front of you but bias can be a cruel haze.
The phonecall came this morning while I was seeing cases at the clinic. So I guess here goes nothing. I am not harbouring much hope but it sure will be good if I can.
Monday, January 03, 2011
Retail therapy melancholia
I have been feeling melancholic.
Maybe it is the new year, maybe it is the increasing age or maybe it's because of the new house, I don't know but life is starting to feel kinda empty.
Suddenly I am feeling that nothing should be a priority but this - that I should make this my number one mission for 2011 and apart from this, everything else is nothing.
or maybe it's just my PMS.
I have been on a shopping spree but am not feeling happy! Maybe retail therapy only works when one is buying frivilous stuff that you don't actually need. Haha.
Downlights, pendant lights, shower heads, shower hoses, two way taps, valves, kitchen sinks, wash basins, granite countertops, melamine cabinets, 3G, wallpapers, plaster ceilings, cornices, paint - bleurgh. If only I had the financial freedom to get someone else to do it for me.
Maybe it is the new year, maybe it is the increasing age or maybe it's because of the new house, I don't know but life is starting to feel kinda empty.
Suddenly I am feeling that nothing should be a priority but this - that I should make this my number one mission for 2011 and apart from this, everything else is nothing.
or maybe it's just my PMS.
I have been on a shopping spree but am not feeling happy! Maybe retail therapy only works when one is buying frivilous stuff that you don't actually need. Haha.
Downlights, pendant lights, shower heads, shower hoses, two way taps, valves, kitchen sinks, wash basins, granite countertops, melamine cabinets, 3G, wallpapers, plaster ceilings, cornices, paint - bleurgh. If only I had the financial freedom to get someone else to do it for me.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Get me a cup of empathy please
Sometimes I wish I had more empathy for some of my patients. But I guess in saying that, I am wishing to be less of a human because by having all these different feelings and emotions is what makes us human in the first place.
On the other hand, it is amazing how one person is able to tolerate pain compared to the next person. How is it that this female patient can endure the discomfort of childbirth and yet be near to tears when told that the K-wires and external fixator has to come out.
Being told that kids as young as 12 didn't bat an eyelid when they had their K-wires out didn't help either, I guess - as the gaze she placed on me could have easily killed - and believe me that I regretted it the moment the last word fell off my mouth. However sissy or childlike she may be, there is no reason for me to be so harsh.
On the other hand, it is amazing how one person is able to tolerate pain compared to the next person. How is it that this female patient can endure the discomfort of childbirth and yet be near to tears when told that the K-wires and external fixator has to come out.
Being told that kids as young as 12 didn't bat an eyelid when they had their K-wires out didn't help either, I guess - as the gaze she placed on me could have easily killed - and believe me that I regretted it the moment the last word fell off my mouth. However sissy or childlike she may be, there is no reason for me to be so harsh.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Me mad
Someone I know recently went to seek advice from an 'ustaz' - and I am putting inverted commas here because after hearing about what happened, I am seriously doubting his capabilities and whether he really deserves that title.
I think when one is faced by someone in problem, the job of a good listener is to never take sides. Or if you HAVE to, then take the side of the person in front of you. But only if you really have to - otherwise, just be neutral.
Now, I admit that I do not know the whole story but come on la ustaz - please do not be so old fashioned and blame the decay of a marriage solely on the wife. I felt so enraged by what this so called ustaz had said, I felt like flying back to KL and confronting this idiot.
So a wife has to accept everything the husband presents to her with a smile -tell that to a wife who had been presented with a kick to the groin and been slapped till she is deaf in one ear - in fact, I will even get her to say 'Bagi la lagi' [More please] just for good measure.
Everything that a husband does is good - tell that to my staff nurse who went to get her salary and found her account nearly empty, courtesy of her husband.
A husband can never do wrong - tell that to the many wives who are lied to every single day and have no shame in living off his wife's earnings.
Seriously lah!
It is this old fashioned mentality that is giving the Muslims a bad reputation and YOU, an ustaz of all people!
You keep saying 'zaman Nabi' and how wives should emulate the Prophet's wives - but you forget (or simply too self engrossed in your own delusions) that our men nowadays are no where near as great as the Prophet (p.b.u.h).
Perempuan tak pandai masak kena kutuk - Lelaki tak pandai imamkan solat jemaah takde sape ckp apa-apa.
Kalau lelaki tolong jemur kain kena cop Queen Control.
Rumah kotor, kata bini tak buat kerja - Lelaki duduk saja kat rumah sebab malas nak kerja, takde sape komen.
Life is unfair - I can accept that but having people like this be leaders surely doesn't help.
Abg - I love you very much and you are the best.
I think when one is faced by someone in problem, the job of a good listener is to never take sides. Or if you HAVE to, then take the side of the person in front of you. But only if you really have to - otherwise, just be neutral.
Now, I admit that I do not know the whole story but come on la ustaz - please do not be so old fashioned and blame the decay of a marriage solely on the wife. I felt so enraged by what this so called ustaz had said, I felt like flying back to KL and confronting this idiot.
So a wife has to accept everything the husband presents to her with a smile -tell that to a wife who had been presented with a kick to the groin and been slapped till she is deaf in one ear - in fact, I will even get her to say 'Bagi la lagi' [More please] just for good measure.
Everything that a husband does is good - tell that to my staff nurse who went to get her salary and found her account nearly empty, courtesy of her husband.
A husband can never do wrong - tell that to the many wives who are lied to every single day and have no shame in living off his wife's earnings.
Seriously lah!
It is this old fashioned mentality that is giving the Muslims a bad reputation and YOU, an ustaz of all people!
You keep saying 'zaman Nabi' and how wives should emulate the Prophet's wives - but you forget (or simply too self engrossed in your own delusions) that our men nowadays are no where near as great as the Prophet (p.b.u.h).
Perempuan tak pandai masak kena kutuk - Lelaki tak pandai imamkan solat jemaah takde sape ckp apa-apa.
Kalau lelaki tolong jemur kain kena cop Queen Control.
Rumah kotor, kata bini tak buat kerja - Lelaki duduk saja kat rumah sebab malas nak kerja, takde sape komen.
Life is unfair - I can accept that but having people like this be leaders surely doesn't help.
Abg - I love you very much and you are the best.
Thursday, December 09, 2010
Our Penang highlight - or NOT
I think at times I can be quite easy to please. Yes some of my friends will laugh and say that those times are rare but sometimes the simplest of things can make me happy.
Seriously.
But when I am not, rest assured I can be very vocal about letting people know my displeasure. My staff nurses can vouch for that, I think.
Anywho, last month I brought my 3 nieces and nephew to Penang. Their parents are away for the pilgrimage and we had a long weekend. Having kids with you requires a lot of planning to make sure they are entertained so I thought I'd bring them to the Toy Museum.
We were in and out by 10 minutes and I didn't know whether I should be angry and demand my money back or laugh at the sheer ridiculousity of it.
So, I decided to write a review on Trip Advisor, a travellers' website. I was frank and voiced out some of my concerns like the obviously uneven floors, some had holes covered with carpets which tripped the kids on a few occasions. There was only one small entrance (which doubles as the exit) - can't imagine trying to escape in case of a fire. Remember, you are thinking of families with small kids coming to a place like this.
Yes, I might have been swayed by the fact that I may be slightly old fashioned that I don't regard stiff figurines to be toys - but hey, a review is a review. It is MY personal opinion based on how I felt after going through an experience. As I pointed out to the owner, (who emailed me in a huff and called me biased) - even James Cameron the great director will NEVER make a film that will please EVERYONE.
I felt I needed people to know the other side of it - I thought the owner should improve the way the so called toys are displayed (a lot of things were placed on the bottom-most rack where basically no one could see them), fix the uneven floors and ensure enough clearing space for strollers/prams and certainly do something about the inappropriate decor.
Whenever the Toy Museum is mentioned, we'd just crack up and laugh. For RM52 (which was what we paid for 4 adults and 2 kids) - we could have had a jolly good meal of pasembur and cendol.
Ah well.
Seriously.
But when I am not, rest assured I can be very vocal about letting people know my displeasure. My staff nurses can vouch for that, I think.
Anywho, last month I brought my 3 nieces and nephew to Penang. Their parents are away for the pilgrimage and we had a long weekend. Having kids with you requires a lot of planning to make sure they are entertained so I thought I'd bring them to the Toy Museum.
We were in and out by 10 minutes and I didn't know whether I should be angry and demand my money back or laugh at the sheer ridiculousity of it.
So, I decided to write a review on Trip Advisor, a travellers' website. I was frank and voiced out some of my concerns like the obviously uneven floors, some had holes covered with carpets which tripped the kids on a few occasions. There was only one small entrance (which doubles as the exit) - can't imagine trying to escape in case of a fire. Remember, you are thinking of families with small kids coming to a place like this.
Yes, I might have been swayed by the fact that I may be slightly old fashioned that I don't regard stiff figurines to be toys - but hey, a review is a review. It is MY personal opinion based on how I felt after going through an experience. As I pointed out to the owner, (who emailed me in a huff and called me biased) - even James Cameron the great director will NEVER make a film that will please EVERYONE.
I felt I needed people to know the other side of it - I thought the owner should improve the way the so called toys are displayed (a lot of things were placed on the bottom-most rack where basically no one could see them), fix the uneven floors and ensure enough clearing space for strollers/prams and certainly do something about the inappropriate decor.
Whenever the Toy Museum is mentioned, we'd just crack up and laugh. For RM52 (which was what we paid for 4 adults and 2 kids) - we could have had a jolly good meal of pasembur and cendol.
Ah well.
My pet peeve
I have a confession to make.
Ignorant spelling mistake and lazy fact-checking in printed publications irritate the hell out of me.
How can one misspell Harry POTTER? The boy who lived!
Time and time again I see people - educated people - refer to the movie or book as Harry PoRter and don't tell me it is a typo because how can you get the other 'T' right and not the first one? The book only sold gazillions of copies worldwide and the movie has generated millions!
**** I stand corrected - a reader has pointed out a fact in this article which I am now retracting - the irony of it, talking about lazy-fact checking and here I am doing the same! Thank you, whoever you are****
Last year, the same newspaper ran an article on fashion and the writer who thought it would be chic to spatter her page with English words, wrote about fashion CHEEK. Berguling aku.
People! For once use your smartphones to be smart lah and not just for showing off. In these times and age, it takes just a millisecond to check your facts or confirm the correct spelling of words.
Just last night I read about someone who had a FRANCE kiss.
Arrrgggh!!! *pulling hair out*
Ignorant spelling mistake and lazy fact-checking in printed publications irritate the hell out of me.
How can one misspell Harry POTTER? The boy who lived!
Time and time again I see people - educated people - refer to the movie or book as Harry PoRter and don't tell me it is a typo because how can you get the other 'T' right and not the first one? The book only sold gazillions of copies worldwide and the movie has generated millions!
**** I stand corrected - a reader has pointed out a fact in this article which I am now retracting - the irony of it, talking about lazy-fact checking and here I am doing the same! Thank you, whoever you are****
Last year, the same newspaper ran an article on fashion and the writer who thought it would be chic to spatter her page with English words, wrote about fashion CHEEK. Berguling aku.
People! For once use your smartphones to be smart lah and not just for showing off. In these times and age, it takes just a millisecond to check your facts or confirm the correct spelling of words.
Just last night I read about someone who had a FRANCE kiss.
Arrrgggh!!! *pulling hair out*
Friday, December 03, 2010
Good or bad?
Last night I was in OT around midnight debriding a wound on a patient's ankle. He was using one of those portable grasscutter and the metal blade broke off and hit his leg.
He sustained an open fracture and some muscle cut.
Now, I love being in the OT. Even at 12 midnight - but it is something else when my nurse keeps going somewhere else in her mind (Eh, I have been working for the past 16 hours, you just got in three hours ago, ok) and the drill bit was so dull it took me one minute to drill a hole in the bone - urgh. Everything that could go wrong, went wrong - and to top it all off, a HUGE fly decided he would come a visiting and landed on my operating site!
Seriously lah!
My hospital started to have houseperson (trying to be PC here) about a year ago - and some are good and vice versa and I was remarking to my colleague that after about 20 or so of them, how one barely remembers some of them.
and of course, there are the memorable ones and funny ones and really knowledgeable ones that they sometimes put us MOs to shame.
I am not really sure how I should be with my housemen - I've worked in the district for so long without having them that I have gotten used to doing things myself. I am, though, extremely happy with having them around when a two-week abscess or one-month, foul smelling foot comes in at ridiculous hours (and by that I mean, 12 midnight on a weekend).
Sometimes I am torn between letting them close up an incision because that is the part I love best about operating - seeing the two edges of skin come together, signifying, (I hope) a job well done - but I realise that if I don't let them do it, then how are they to learn?
I would get so exasperated when I tell them, these are the things that the specialist loves to ask and explain to them how to tell when the closed manipulative reduction is acceptable and yet, get a blank look when the same question comes up the next day.
but then, I tell myself that I was worse when I was in their shoes. I hated going to the clinic and hate having to change quickly into OT scrubs when my tummy is growling for food and I hated Grand Ward Rounds that I wanted to take an EL each week - so I think about that and I cut them some slack.
I envy the fact that their housemanship has become easier due to the fact that there are so many of them (I used to be in charge of a ward with just one or two other housemen - and now, about 4 or 5 of them share a CUBICLE!) yet I tend to worry because they end up being so underexposed. A big part of being a good doctor is experience: you can't really counsel a patient properly if you haven't gone through and seen what a procedure entails. What you see in a book is never the same with what you see in life. We used to do everything and saw everything and I was talking to a houseman who has never seen an operation to excise a ganglion, despite being in the 6th posting and have been in Ortho for the past 2-3 months!
I worry sometimes, you know. and I think a lot of people should be too.
He sustained an open fracture and some muscle cut.
Now, I love being in the OT. Even at 12 midnight - but it is something else when my nurse keeps going somewhere else in her mind (Eh, I have been working for the past 16 hours, you just got in three hours ago, ok) and the drill bit was so dull it took me one minute to drill a hole in the bone - urgh. Everything that could go wrong, went wrong - and to top it all off, a HUGE fly decided he would come a visiting and landed on my operating site!
Seriously lah!
My hospital started to have houseperson (trying to be PC here) about a year ago - and some are good and vice versa and I was remarking to my colleague that after about 20 or so of them, how one barely remembers some of them.
and of course, there are the memorable ones and funny ones and really knowledgeable ones that they sometimes put us MOs to shame.
I am not really sure how I should be with my housemen - I've worked in the district for so long without having them that I have gotten used to doing things myself. I am, though, extremely happy with having them around when a two-week abscess or one-month, foul smelling foot comes in at ridiculous hours (and by that I mean, 12 midnight on a weekend).
Sometimes I am torn between letting them close up an incision because that is the part I love best about operating - seeing the two edges of skin come together, signifying, (I hope) a job well done - but I realise that if I don't let them do it, then how are they to learn?
I would get so exasperated when I tell them, these are the things that the specialist loves to ask and explain to them how to tell when the closed manipulative reduction is acceptable and yet, get a blank look when the same question comes up the next day.
but then, I tell myself that I was worse when I was in their shoes. I hated going to the clinic and hate having to change quickly into OT scrubs when my tummy is growling for food and I hated Grand Ward Rounds that I wanted to take an EL each week - so I think about that and I cut them some slack.
I envy the fact that their housemanship has become easier due to the fact that there are so many of them (I used to be in charge of a ward with just one or two other housemen - and now, about 4 or 5 of them share a CUBICLE!) yet I tend to worry because they end up being so underexposed. A big part of being a good doctor is experience: you can't really counsel a patient properly if you haven't gone through and seen what a procedure entails. What you see in a book is never the same with what you see in life. We used to do everything and saw everything and I was talking to a houseman who has never seen an operation to excise a ganglion, despite being in the 6th posting and have been in Ortho for the past 2-3 months!
I worry sometimes, you know. and I think a lot of people should be too.
Wednesday, December 01, 2010
Multitasking with LIFE
It is hard having a blog that is read by people you know. Once in a while I would like to really let go and just rant, but there are feelings to be careful of. One thinks that one is being frank but despite rating honesty so highly on the moral pedestal, I observe that people don't appreciate it when it is thrown in one's face.
But anyway, it is raining here. It has been rather sunny the past couple of days but today, the heavens opened. I don't like rainy seasons - the house smells musty and my cats tend to die in rapid succession one after the other. My cat cages are looking rather empty after losing 6 kittens to viral infections.
The house is in a mess. We had returned after about 6 days away - Abg had gone for a course and I took a few days break just in time to pick Ma up at the airport. She had gone Down Under to visit a sister of mine.
I've been rearranging, dusting, vacuuming, sweeping and wiping and throwing junk away but it hasn't looked any better. I keep making plans in my head as I review my cases at the clinic or while making ward rounds or cutting out slough on a diabetic ulcer : must throw away this and must iron this basket of clothes and must mop this part of the house - and I do try to keep to my plan but then I see another portion of the house which needs tending to and the list just grows.
and I find that when I focus on one part of my life - I tend to neglect another part - and believe me, it is not intentional. I have all the good intentions to keep up with my parents and grandparents and other extended family AND at the same time try to read up on work stuff AND find out the best places to get bathroom accessories and looking at colour palettes for the house AND find time to get my cats vaccinated but sometimes it is just overwhelming!
and this with NO KIDS!
Is life this hard? - or am I just a really bad time manager?
But anyway, it is raining here. It has been rather sunny the past couple of days but today, the heavens opened. I don't like rainy seasons - the house smells musty and my cats tend to die in rapid succession one after the other. My cat cages are looking rather empty after losing 6 kittens to viral infections.
The house is in a mess. We had returned after about 6 days away - Abg had gone for a course and I took a few days break just in time to pick Ma up at the airport. She had gone Down Under to visit a sister of mine.
I've been rearranging, dusting, vacuuming, sweeping and wiping and throwing junk away but it hasn't looked any better. I keep making plans in my head as I review my cases at the clinic or while making ward rounds or cutting out slough on a diabetic ulcer : must throw away this and must iron this basket of clothes and must mop this part of the house - and I do try to keep to my plan but then I see another portion of the house which needs tending to and the list just grows.
and I find that when I focus on one part of my life - I tend to neglect another part - and believe me, it is not intentional. I have all the good intentions to keep up with my parents and grandparents and other extended family AND at the same time try to read up on work stuff AND find out the best places to get bathroom accessories and looking at colour palettes for the house AND find time to get my cats vaccinated but sometimes it is just overwhelming!
and this with NO KIDS!
Is life this hard? - or am I just a really bad time manager?
Monday, November 15, 2010
Goodbye Pinky Nose
So, after three days of fighting for her life, little pinky nose has succumbed to her internal injuries. I knew the condition is bad, yet I still had a sliver of hope as I called up the vet.
Little kid which I picked up from the covered way near the OT is also not doing well. He has always had an infected callousity on the dorsum of his paw due to him dragging it, which looked healing but two days ago started to look lethargic. Maybe he contracted a viral infection and was just too undernourished to fight the infection.
My heart is as grey as the clouds in KB today....
Little kid which I picked up from the covered way near the OT is also not doing well. He has always had an infected callousity on the dorsum of his paw due to him dragging it, which looked healing but two days ago started to look lethargic. Maybe he contracted a viral infection and was just too undernourished to fight the infection.
My heart is as grey as the clouds in KB today....
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Get well soon Pinky Nose.
She has the pinkest nose I have ever seen on a kitten. Her colouring was the usual - black with spots of black/grey - and she used to be so small that I doubted that she would survive, but she did and she runs like the wind especially when chasing bits of feather or a dried leaf.
Abg was on his way to his biweekly badminton outing when he strode in and said, "I think little pinky nose has been in an accident'.
True enough, little pinky nose was lying on the cage floor, growling when I picked her up, her left hindleg lay limp. I knew instantly how ill she is because pinky nose is no longer pink. She was breathing heavily and she looked at me with her round eyes as I started to cry.
I put her in a carrier and wrapped cloth around her to keep her warm and woke up a few times throughout the night to check on her. Fearing she would go into shock, I forced her to drink water.
The next day, all my earlier plans abandoned, our first priority was to see Dr Palani at Jalan Dusun Muda.
He confirmed that pinky nose has a broken femur, and she now has a distended bladder. I hope pinky nose hasn't got a fractured pelvis as well because that would be bad.
I've left pinky nose at the vet - hoping for the best. I immediately know a trip to Cheras is now inevitable.
Abg was on his way to his biweekly badminton outing when he strode in and said, "I think little pinky nose has been in an accident'.
True enough, little pinky nose was lying on the cage floor, growling when I picked her up, her left hindleg lay limp. I knew instantly how ill she is because pinky nose is no longer pink. She was breathing heavily and she looked at me with her round eyes as I started to cry.
I put her in a carrier and wrapped cloth around her to keep her warm and woke up a few times throughout the night to check on her. Fearing she would go into shock, I forced her to drink water.
The next day, all my earlier plans abandoned, our first priority was to see Dr Palani at Jalan Dusun Muda.
He confirmed that pinky nose has a broken femur, and she now has a distended bladder. I hope pinky nose hasn't got a fractured pelvis as well because that would be bad.
I've left pinky nose at the vet - hoping for the best. I immediately know a trip to Cheras is now inevitable.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Some parents are morons
A few weekends ago, I was attending a course in Kuantan. After the course finished, we had the evening to ourselves before returning to Kelantan the next day and we decided to watch a movie.
Having heard good reviews about The Other Guys, we decided we could do with some laughs and bought tickets. This movie was rated PG13 - i.e. suitable for kids aged 13 but with parental guidance (I think).
About half an hour into the show, a toddler in the back rows started whining. Slowly at first but persistantly louder and climaxed with a top of the voice wail about 20 mins later. I was getting agitated, sitting about 8 rows in front of the silly parents - I wonder what the patrons sitting right in front of them were thinking?
A few minutes later, said toddler and a fellow kid was running up and down the aisle laughing and giggling, and proceeded to do so till the end of the show. At one time, they even went into the row in front of the one I was sitting at and approached the elderly couple who was sitting there.
Okay, call me uptight for being childless - but seriously??
Does having kids make you a moron? (and when I say YOU, I meant the parent who brought the said kids in this post, kang ada yang terasa lagi pulak)
I for one, did not pay to have the side attraction of hearing kids running up and down while I watch Mark Wahlberg being hit on the face with a wooden gun.
Come on! You may want to watch Rain decapitate fellow ninjas but does that make it right for a 5 year old?
I've seen parents bring in 6 month old babies into the cinema - wah, your kids got tympanic membranes made of steel meh?
Seriously lah....!
Having heard good reviews about The Other Guys, we decided we could do with some laughs and bought tickets. This movie was rated PG13 - i.e. suitable for kids aged 13 but with parental guidance (I think).
About half an hour into the show, a toddler in the back rows started whining. Slowly at first but persistantly louder and climaxed with a top of the voice wail about 20 mins later. I was getting agitated, sitting about 8 rows in front of the silly parents - I wonder what the patrons sitting right in front of them were thinking?
A few minutes later, said toddler and a fellow kid was running up and down the aisle laughing and giggling, and proceeded to do so till the end of the show. At one time, they even went into the row in front of the one I was sitting at and approached the elderly couple who was sitting there.
Okay, call me uptight for being childless - but seriously??
Does having kids make you a moron? (and when I say YOU, I meant the parent who brought the said kids in this post, kang ada yang terasa lagi pulak)
I for one, did not pay to have the side attraction of hearing kids running up and down while I watch Mark Wahlberg being hit on the face with a wooden gun.
Come on! You may want to watch Rain decapitate fellow ninjas but does that make it right for a 5 year old?
I've seen parents bring in 6 month old babies into the cinema - wah, your kids got tympanic membranes made of steel meh?
Seriously lah....!
Tuesday, November 02, 2010
Why oh why...
....do people LIKE their own status update? If you don't like it, you wouldn't put it up, would you?
...can't people get off their big arses and throw rubbish into the bin which is only a few steps away? It infuriates me when ppl leave boxed drinks, rice wrappers, melted ice in plastic bags and what nots at the most prominent places! How ppl have absolutely no conscience at unwrapping sweets and just letting it fall to the ground when the bin is right in front of them! Or throw things out their car windows! Stoooopiddd!!
...is it that the worst diabetic feet always turn up in septicaemic shock?
...that I always find it hard to wake up for work yet can be up wide eyed at half five in the morning during the weekends?
...am I ranting on a postcall day?
...can't people get off their big arses and throw rubbish into the bin which is only a few steps away? It infuriates me when ppl leave boxed drinks, rice wrappers, melted ice in plastic bags and what nots at the most prominent places! How ppl have absolutely no conscience at unwrapping sweets and just letting it fall to the ground when the bin is right in front of them! Or throw things out their car windows! Stoooopiddd!!
...is it that the worst diabetic feet always turn up in septicaemic shock?
...that I always find it hard to wake up for work yet can be up wide eyed at half five in the morning during the weekends?
...am I ranting on a postcall day?
Saturday, October 23, 2010
This is it...
They have been copied, certified and signed. References have been sought and all it needs is to be posted to the correct addresses.
I am still having second thoughts - mainly because I have become so comfortable here. Didn't I say I have been too content? This contentment is leaving me in a rut; a comfy rut, I must say but a rut nevertheless.
I am cutting it thin a bit - the dateline is three days away so I am not taking any chances and will be couriering them away first thing on Sunday.
Do I want to do this? I think I do. It has been a while since I challenged myself in a big way. I know I can - and I know I am better than some other candidates out there. If nothing else, I hope my maturity and experience will be counted. Well, it definitely won't be for my good looks or killer body, hahaha.
So, with my fingers and toes crossed, here goes nothing.
I am still having second thoughts - mainly because I have become so comfortable here. Didn't I say I have been too content? This contentment is leaving me in a rut; a comfy rut, I must say but a rut nevertheless.
I am cutting it thin a bit - the dateline is three days away so I am not taking any chances and will be couriering them away first thing on Sunday.
Do I want to do this? I think I do. It has been a while since I challenged myself in a big way. I know I can - and I know I am better than some other candidates out there. If nothing else, I hope my maturity and experience will be counted. Well, it definitely won't be for my good looks or killer body, hahaha.
So, with my fingers and toes crossed, here goes nothing.
Friday, October 15, 2010
I guess we can never tell
I had a case at the clinic yesterday which is now troubling me.
Basically this man presented at the casualty with a fractured neck of femur following a history of trivial injury. He came at 10pm, THREE WEEKS after the fall. Later on I was informed that he had been walking with crutches for the past 6 months prior to that after allegedly hearing a crack from the joint.
Now, I was the one who saw him at the A&E. He was brought in by his daughter who claims to be a GP in one of the East Coast states. Since the patient is now pain-free, I offered to allow him home and gave him a date at the clinic.
So, he came and was informed that the lesion on his bone looked suspicious. Sans daughter, he refused everything and was discharged.
Imagine my surprise when another daughter who is apparently a nurse, came to the clinic and requested to be seen by my specialist, about 3 months later. Maybe 'surprise' isn't the word I would use. Amused? Puzzled? Perplexed?
In ward, we proceeded to work him up for more sinister causes. He continued to be uncooperative, only hesitantly agreeing for invasive procedures after being coaxed by his daughters.
Anyway, the CT scan showed multiple metastases but the primary hasn't been identified yet. I spoke to the children, who brought a family friend who openly displayed his DR (I mean, couldn't he just introduced himsef?) without the father present. I explained that he is now unsuitable for any surgical intervention on his femur and the more important issue now is to find out the cause.
Though I silently thought, with the advanced stage that he is, is it even worth finding out where it came from?
I spoke to the pakcik and he looked in relatively good spirits. Before he left, he said something that left me pondering. He said, "Doctor, I hope that we could leave the past behind us. I am now open to all your treatment choices and will give my full cooperation"
His statement continues to play in my mind and I wonder what brought that on.
and I wonder if it is now too late?
Basically this man presented at the casualty with a fractured neck of femur following a history of trivial injury. He came at 10pm, THREE WEEKS after the fall. Later on I was informed that he had been walking with crutches for the past 6 months prior to that after allegedly hearing a crack from the joint.
Now, I was the one who saw him at the A&E. He was brought in by his daughter who claims to be a GP in one of the East Coast states. Since the patient is now pain-free, I offered to allow him home and gave him a date at the clinic.
So, he came and was informed that the lesion on his bone looked suspicious. Sans daughter, he refused everything and was discharged.
Imagine my surprise when another daughter who is apparently a nurse, came to the clinic and requested to be seen by my specialist, about 3 months later. Maybe 'surprise' isn't the word I would use. Amused? Puzzled? Perplexed?
In ward, we proceeded to work him up for more sinister causes. He continued to be uncooperative, only hesitantly agreeing for invasive procedures after being coaxed by his daughters.
Anyway, the CT scan showed multiple metastases but the primary hasn't been identified yet. I spoke to the children, who brought a family friend who openly displayed his DR (I mean, couldn't he just introduced himsef?) without the father present. I explained that he is now unsuitable for any surgical intervention on his femur and the more important issue now is to find out the cause.
Though I silently thought, with the advanced stage that he is, is it even worth finding out where it came from?
I spoke to the pakcik and he looked in relatively good spirits. Before he left, he said something that left me pondering. He said, "Doctor, I hope that we could leave the past behind us. I am now open to all your treatment choices and will give my full cooperation"
His statement continues to play in my mind and I wonder what brought that on.
and I wonder if it is now too late?
Thursday, October 14, 2010
I am turning into the crazy cat lady
There must be something wrong with me that I like cats more than I like humans. Is it the control freak in me? It must be. With cats, I decide when they get out and when they get back in. After all, it is for your own good - I am the one crying my eyes out when one of you turn into roadkill pancake.
Humans lie and are manipulative and are driven by greed and a whole lot of other bad things. Cats just know that they are hungry and thirsty. Settle that and they will leave you alone.
However, all things cat aside, sometimes I wish I can be the me that I used to be about 8 years ago. The sweet, unassuming me. Who was always nice to patients and nurses. Who regarded all patients the same regardless of everything. How on earth did I become so judgemental and jaded?
Is the world really as bad as I think it to be?
Humans lie and are manipulative and are driven by greed and a whole lot of other bad things. Cats just know that they are hungry and thirsty. Settle that and they will leave you alone.
However, all things cat aside, sometimes I wish I can be the me that I used to be about 8 years ago. The sweet, unassuming me. Who was always nice to patients and nurses. Who regarded all patients the same regardless of everything. How on earth did I become so judgemental and jaded?
Is the world really as bad as I think it to be?
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
My Silver Lining
Been feeling crap today but there is always a silver lining somewhere.
Giler is one of my earliest strays. We were buying fish at the small roadside stall in Pulai Chondong when I saw three kittens playing at the nearby bus stop. I waded through the long weeds and saw three gorgeous kittens chasing each other. One was black and white, then there was a tabby and another had white and marbled fur.
Giler masa kecik.
Giler is, as the name suggests - just insane. Whenever we would pick him up, he would nuzzle at your face and elbow and neck. He isn't friendly with the other cats and would almost always pick fights with Fizzy but as with all my kids, we love them all anyway.
So anyhow, Giler has been missing since about a month now. During the time when we had about 11 kittens, some of the adult cats were let out to roam so the cages can be used for the nursing mothers. When he didn't return, I thought the worst.
So imagine my reaction when Abg opened the door and said, Guess who came home today? - and it was Giler! and of course the nuzzling frenzy started almost immediately as I took him in my arms.
Lepas nie kena duduk dlm sangkar sebulan, ok!
This is an update of Tuah. Here he is right after we returned from Cheras. Practically a bag of bones.
and this is Tuah today! Look at how much his body has filled out.
Makan banyak-banyak biar jadi gemuk lagi tau.
Giler is one of my earliest strays. We were buying fish at the small roadside stall in Pulai Chondong when I saw three kittens playing at the nearby bus stop. I waded through the long weeds and saw three gorgeous kittens chasing each other. One was black and white, then there was a tabby and another had white and marbled fur.
Giler masa kecik.
Giler is, as the name suggests - just insane. Whenever we would pick him up, he would nuzzle at your face and elbow and neck. He isn't friendly with the other cats and would almost always pick fights with Fizzy but as with all my kids, we love them all anyway.
So anyhow, Giler has been missing since about a month now. During the time when we had about 11 kittens, some of the adult cats were let out to roam so the cages can be used for the nursing mothers. When he didn't return, I thought the worst.
So imagine my reaction when Abg opened the door and said, Guess who came home today? - and it was Giler! and of course the nuzzling frenzy started almost immediately as I took him in my arms.
Lepas nie kena duduk dlm sangkar sebulan, ok!
This is an update of Tuah. Here he is right after we returned from Cheras. Practically a bag of bones.
and this is Tuah today! Look at how much his body has filled out.
Makan banyak-banyak biar jadi gemuk lagi tau.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Weekend sob fest
I am a sucker for sad sappy stories. Actually, no - I am a sucker for any emotional story. I cried when the Jamaican bobsled team won in Cool Runnings. I cried when Tristan's father who suffered from a stroke wrote 'Am Happy' on his small blackboard when his son returned in The Legends of the Fall. I cry at every episode of Grey's Anatomy in the sixth season.
Last night, I had the ultimate waterworks party. It wasn't merely a snivel or a sob here and there. I was practically bawling my eyes out. All because of a dog.
I remember seeing his statue in a picture Ma took when she was on her honeymoon. His loyalty was awe inspiring. You wonder at the bond between this dog and his master for it to wait every day for nine years after his master died.
The fact that the Akita they had playing the lead in the movie was so gorgeous didn't help (with the crying) either.
I wonder if any of my cats would do this for me?
Hm.
Probably not.
Last night, I had the ultimate waterworks party. It wasn't merely a snivel or a sob here and there. I was practically bawling my eyes out. All because of a dog.
I remember seeing his statue in a picture Ma took when she was on her honeymoon. His loyalty was awe inspiring. You wonder at the bond between this dog and his master for it to wait every day for nine years after his master died.
The fact that the Akita they had playing the lead in the movie was so gorgeous didn't help (with the crying) either.
I wonder if any of my cats would do this for me?
Hm.
Probably not.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Saya suka kucing - Anda bagaimana?
Sedang merayau-rayau di alam siber, tiba-tiba terjumpa ini.
dari kucing terbiar dot com
Gambar anak2nya yang berkaki empat melompat-lompat di kawasan berumput hijau dan berpokok rendang buat saya cemburu. Saya juga mengidamkan sebegitu tapi sayang, anak-anak saya hanya dpt duduk di dalam sangkar dan dilepaskan petang apabila tuan mereka pulang dari kerja. Tetapi tidak bermakna anak-anak saya kurang kasih sayang. Makan minum terjaga rapi, bila sakit dibawa ke klinik.
Baru-baru ini saya bawa pulang seekor lagi anak kucing berwarna putih, bertelinga koko. Macam Che'Put masa dia masih anak dara. Sekarang Che'Put dah jadi ibu pada lima anak dan tak mungkin lagi beranak. Che'Put boleh hidup bahagia makan tidur main saja.
Saya dan Abg nak ke Kamdar bila tiba-tiba anak mengiau sambil terkedek-kedek berlari ke arah saya. Saya kutip dia dan saya pandang Abg. Abg kata "Takde tempat dah nak letak...." - tapi saya degil, lantas anak diletak di tempat duduk belakang kereta.
Saya beri nama dia Kamdar.
Anyway - Papa Meow memang seorang pencinta haiwan yang berdedikasi. Saya tabik beliau. Di dalam salah satu post di blognya, dia kata, dia selalu berdoa tidak berjumpa anak kucing terbiar apabila keluar berjalan-jalan. Saya juga selalu berfikir begitu. Sebab kalau sudah jumpa, kalau tidak dibawa balik, akan teringat-ingat sampai ke dalam mimpi. Selamatkah dia? Makankah dia? Ataupun sudah mati dilanggar keretakah dia? Isy. Susah macam nie.
Mungkin orang akan kata, dari kau belanja ribu-ribu untuk anak kucing, baik kau derma kat anak yatim. Tetapi itulah kuasa dan ketentuan Allah. DIA jadikan kita berbeza-beza pendapat serta haluan supaya akan ada juga segelintir yang mengambil berat tentang makhlukNYA yang berkaki empat.
Tuah sibuk berlari-lari di ruang TV. Saya panggil dia tetapi dia lebih seronok bermain dengan lipas yang baru ditangkapnya. Tuah semakin gemuk dan sudah pandai membuli anak-anak yang lebih kecil dari dia.
Hidup ini indah.
dari kucing terbiar dot com
Gambar anak2nya yang berkaki empat melompat-lompat di kawasan berumput hijau dan berpokok rendang buat saya cemburu. Saya juga mengidamkan sebegitu tapi sayang, anak-anak saya hanya dpt duduk di dalam sangkar dan dilepaskan petang apabila tuan mereka pulang dari kerja. Tetapi tidak bermakna anak-anak saya kurang kasih sayang. Makan minum terjaga rapi, bila sakit dibawa ke klinik.
Baru-baru ini saya bawa pulang seekor lagi anak kucing berwarna putih, bertelinga koko. Macam Che'Put masa dia masih anak dara. Sekarang Che'Put dah jadi ibu pada lima anak dan tak mungkin lagi beranak. Che'Put boleh hidup bahagia makan tidur main saja.
Saya dan Abg nak ke Kamdar bila tiba-tiba anak mengiau sambil terkedek-kedek berlari ke arah saya. Saya kutip dia dan saya pandang Abg. Abg kata "Takde tempat dah nak letak...." - tapi saya degil, lantas anak diletak di tempat duduk belakang kereta.
Saya beri nama dia Kamdar.
Anyway - Papa Meow memang seorang pencinta haiwan yang berdedikasi. Saya tabik beliau. Di dalam salah satu post di blognya, dia kata, dia selalu berdoa tidak berjumpa anak kucing terbiar apabila keluar berjalan-jalan. Saya juga selalu berfikir begitu. Sebab kalau sudah jumpa, kalau tidak dibawa balik, akan teringat-ingat sampai ke dalam mimpi. Selamatkah dia? Makankah dia? Ataupun sudah mati dilanggar keretakah dia? Isy. Susah macam nie.
Mungkin orang akan kata, dari kau belanja ribu-ribu untuk anak kucing, baik kau derma kat anak yatim. Tetapi itulah kuasa dan ketentuan Allah. DIA jadikan kita berbeza-beza pendapat serta haluan supaya akan ada juga segelintir yang mengambil berat tentang makhlukNYA yang berkaki empat.
Tuah sibuk berlari-lari di ruang TV. Saya panggil dia tetapi dia lebih seronok bermain dengan lipas yang baru ditangkapnya. Tuah semakin gemuk dan sudah pandai membuli anak-anak yang lebih kecil dari dia.
Hidup ini indah.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
A musing
After a relatively heavy oncall, I woke up extra early, woke Abg up so that he could drive me to work and have breakfast together.
I was enjoying the aroma of freshly cooked rice and 'gulai ayam' when I saw something on my chicken which I initially thought was a fleck of spice or fried onion. Out of habit I flicked it unto the side of the plate and noticed that it had curiously insect-like legs. I looked at it closer and yes, I had a side order of mini cockroach.
I was thankful I hadn't shoved it into my mouth with the previous spoonful of rice but what do I do now? Even if I called the stall owner and showed it to her, she'd only replace it with the same gravy little roach had been cooking in. I then told myself, all those desperately hungry people in Pakistan would be killing each other for the plate of rice that I had in front of me right now. and afterall, you'd think the big pot of 'gulai' which had been boiling would probably have neutralized any toxins that the insect had.
Right?
Right?!
What would one do in a situation like this?
I was enjoying the aroma of freshly cooked rice and 'gulai ayam' when I saw something on my chicken which I initially thought was a fleck of spice or fried onion. Out of habit I flicked it unto the side of the plate and noticed that it had curiously insect-like legs. I looked at it closer and yes, I had a side order of mini cockroach.
I was thankful I hadn't shoved it into my mouth with the previous spoonful of rice but what do I do now? Even if I called the stall owner and showed it to her, she'd only replace it with the same gravy little roach had been cooking in. I then told myself, all those desperately hungry people in Pakistan would be killing each other for the plate of rice that I had in front of me right now. and afterall, you'd think the big pot of 'gulai' which had been boiling would probably have neutralized any toxins that the insect had.
Right?
Right?!
What would one do in a situation like this?
Saturday, September 04, 2010
Choices choices
Having had to live at the FIL's house since getting married, I thought it was hightime we got our own home. Actually, 'hightime' was maybe about 2 years ago but nevertheless the dream home is now well underway and already I am imagining what and where and how of it all.
At the moment we've been scurrying around looking at kitchen cabinets and what it entails. Tiles or solid surface or granite? and solid wood or MDF or pine or 3G glass? I've been to a few shops and have asked hundreds of questions and still nowhere near to making a decision. and that's just the kitchen - there is also the bathrooms and the tiles and the walls. It's enough to make you tear your hair out.
This was about a month or so ago.
and this taken last week.
At the moment we've been scurrying around looking at kitchen cabinets and what it entails. Tiles or solid surface or granite? and solid wood or MDF or pine or 3G glass? I've been to a few shops and have asked hundreds of questions and still nowhere near to making a decision. and that's just the kitchen - there is also the bathrooms and the tiles and the walls. It's enough to make you tear your hair out.
This was about a month or so ago.
and this taken last week.
Monday, August 16, 2010
The Right Decision
This is Tuah [malay for lucky] and this is his story.
I found him lying by the side of my car at the hospital's car park. There had been an increase in the number of stray cats being abandoned at the hospital, I think even the Radicare has given up.
He was unusually quiet on the way home, just sitting there on the passenger seat, unfazed by the moving scenes as the car drove past.
He was skinny, with white patches on his chest and paws and had a kinky tail. The moment anyone would come close, he would be rubbing his head against your hands, attempting to purr but somehow falling short.
I noticed how indrawn his tummy was but attributed it to his undernourished state. His breathing looked strange - it was as if he was fighting to get the air in. Sometimes even his nostrils would flare. He looked hungry but would only eat a mouthful each time.
The local vet had said he had a respiratory infection and had given tablets for a flu. I tried giving it to him but failed miserably - on hindsight, it was probably a good thing.
So the little orange kitten made a 450km journey from Kelantan all the way to Cheras to see Dr Lum. Xrays showed that most of his intestines had been pushed into his lung cavity, thus causing him difficulty in breathing. He would need surgery but he might be too small to wake up from the anaesthesia.
I debated with myself and Abg - is it fair to let him go through the pain of an operation knowing there is a risk that he may not survive it? But if we were to refuse the op, would he be in a lot of pain in his final days? The vet had suggested a euthanasia injection but I couldn't even consider it. We may think we dominate this world but who are we really to decide when this kitten dies?
I almost called to cancel the operation but I felt uneasy. I knew money wouldn't be a problem though I am sure other people would call me insane behind my back. So I surfed the net and got other pet lovers' experiences and sought advice from another cat lover - she offered me encouragement and support no matter what I decided; her cat had once been in this situation so she was the ideal person to seek advice from. I thank you again from the bottom of my heart.
Tuah is now about one week post op and is doing miraculously well. He has a huge scar on his now fat belly but he is still very beautiful to us. Whenever we would keep him in the carrier, since we didn't want him jumping around and bursting his sutures, he would just sit there quietly, only mewing softly whenever he saw us walking near. I would let him on my bed and he would rub his head against my hands and my face. Before, I never saw him sleep because he would get breathless whenever his head is laid down but now he can. I would watch him sleep - his breathing now no longer laboured - and seeing him well gives me a warm fuzzy feeling inside.
He purrs now - loudly and continuously - is he saying thank you, I wonder?
I am glad it was the right decision.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Nonsensical ramblings
I wanted to write about my latest cat - Tuah - I've even got the story all written up but phone cables have been mercilessly ripped off their poles in my kampung and TM sees no urgency in replacing the lines. Mentang2 la takde VIP duduk kat sini. Cuba buat kat Damansara macam tu.....
Anyway, this means that my internet adventures have been limited to office hours - I've gotten myself one of those wireless broadband thingy and am now trying to use up my allocation before the end of the month.
I'm oncall. My first one of the fasting month. It's pretty quiet now; there is a case of a dead baby being found in a septic tank or something, I'm not much into details. The smell wafted quickly throughout the emergency room and stuck itself to your clothes and someone even vomited.
What desperation is it that drives us to do such cruelty? Was it fear that threw their sense of decency out the window? To think that one can get rid of it and expect to live a guiltless life?
I wonder about these things - even when my kittens have become too many for my cages and depleting my kibbles far too quickly than I would have liked, I still do not have the heart to throw them away. I keep thinking about how hungry or how cold they would be, how lost they would feel without their mother and it breaks my heart.
So, how can one do this to something that have been surviving in you for the past nine months? It puzzles me completely.
Maybe deep down I'm just a sentimental old fart.
Anyway, this means that my internet adventures have been limited to office hours - I've gotten myself one of those wireless broadband thingy and am now trying to use up my allocation before the end of the month.
I'm oncall. My first one of the fasting month. It's pretty quiet now; there is a case of a dead baby being found in a septic tank or something, I'm not much into details. The smell wafted quickly throughout the emergency room and stuck itself to your clothes and someone even vomited.
What desperation is it that drives us to do such cruelty? Was it fear that threw their sense of decency out the window? To think that one can get rid of it and expect to live a guiltless life?
I wonder about these things - even when my kittens have become too many for my cages and depleting my kibbles far too quickly than I would have liked, I still do not have the heart to throw them away. I keep thinking about how hungry or how cold they would be, how lost they would feel without their mother and it breaks my heart.
So, how can one do this to something that have been surviving in you for the past nine months? It puzzles me completely.
Maybe deep down I'm just a sentimental old fart.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Punch in the stomach
My patient died.
When I was doing my medical rotation, I used to have a blase attitude towards death - RVD cases were dying left right and centre in the medical wards, it was weird not to have to sign burial permits when I was oncall.
I've not had a patient die for a long time now; working in the district usually means that you ship off all your risky cases for the tertiary centre to manage. BID (brought in dead) cases are usually uncomplicated and straightforward.
Perhaps it was because I sat up all night taking care of this case - even telling my houseman to get some sleep because it would be stupid for both of us to be awake and if I left her to take care of the patient and something bad happened, it'd be on me anyway, and I wouldn't be able to sleep from worrying anyway, so I might as well be the one up.
Perhaps it was because I had gotten irritated because he kept asking for water (must have been the hypovolaemia) and we kept telling him that he can't. He was making jokes about how the blood transfusion was going poorly because we refused him his drink.
*sigh*
I keep replaying that night over and over and over in my mind trying to find where it is that I have gone wrong. Anything I could have done that could have prevented this. Yes, I have been told by my boss that injuries that he had, meant a very poor survival rate and that I shouldn't feel bad but I feel bad anyway.
Damn. One would think that one would get used to death after working for some time but once in a while it sure does hit you right in the stomach.
When I was doing my medical rotation, I used to have a blase attitude towards death - RVD cases were dying left right and centre in the medical wards, it was weird not to have to sign burial permits when I was oncall.
I've not had a patient die for a long time now; working in the district usually means that you ship off all your risky cases for the tertiary centre to manage. BID (brought in dead) cases are usually uncomplicated and straightforward.
Perhaps it was because I sat up all night taking care of this case - even telling my houseman to get some sleep because it would be stupid for both of us to be awake and if I left her to take care of the patient and something bad happened, it'd be on me anyway, and I wouldn't be able to sleep from worrying anyway, so I might as well be the one up.
Perhaps it was because I had gotten irritated because he kept asking for water (must have been the hypovolaemia) and we kept telling him that he can't. He was making jokes about how the blood transfusion was going poorly because we refused him his drink.
*sigh*
I keep replaying that night over and over and over in my mind trying to find where it is that I have gone wrong. Anything I could have done that could have prevented this. Yes, I have been told by my boss that injuries that he had, meant a very poor survival rate and that I shouldn't feel bad but I feel bad anyway.
Damn. One would think that one would get used to death after working for some time but once in a while it sure does hit you right in the stomach.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Exhaustion is...
...not sleeping the entire night baby sitting a case of crushed pelvis, pushing in 18 bags of blood products and being shouted at because he wanted to drink despite being told repeatedly why he can't.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Postcall one liner
Even after all these years, despite having receding hairlines and protruding bellies, they still slobber and drool after her, whom, unfairly, have remained as beautiful as she did back then.
Wishful thinking...
We have become such a selfish, self centred, materialistic, lazy society.
We think that just because some poor Majlis Bandaran worker is paid a salary to pick up our rubbish, that we are entitled to throw them anywhere we want.
Just outside the residential area I am renting, where I spend the night when I'm oncall (no oncall room for MOs that we have to resort to renting a place so we can rest and wash up - ridiculous) - there is this huge district council bin that they've placed so that people can put in their rubbish. This bin is then picked up by the lorry which replaces that bin with an empty one.
Everytime I pass by, despite the bin not even being half full, there would be a mound of rubbish on the ground for chickens and cats and dogs to rip apart and spread the foul smelling goodness around.
Why why why? Are you people so lazy to spend an extra ounce of effort to lift up your flabby biceps to get the rubbish INTO the bin rather than just laying them on the ground? Do you think that the Majlis Bandaran workers take extra pleasure in spending extra time to rake the rubbish off the ground after it has been scattered around by the animals?
In the compound of my hospital, there is a small but charming fish pond full of fat 'ikan keli's and a few kois and a couple of tortoises. Every morning when I pass by it on the way to the wards, there will definitely be at least one 'air kotak' floating calmly across the murky water.
By the seats of the covered way towards the wards, numerous plastic bags with now melted ice cubes, plastic cups covered with ants, orange peels and what nots. Once, I even came across a half eaten 'nasi bungkus'! This is despite having a bin just a couple of strides away.
I have had people throw out their car windows, a container of water (thank god I had my car windows wound up), rambutan and duku skins, a whole bagful of peanut shells.
Seriously lah! In a state where there is a majority of malays - you people are shameful and an embarrasment to the Islamic teaching! Does the Prophet (p.b.u.h) not teach us to be kind and considerate and above all be clean?
IKEA used to encourage customers of their cafes to clean up and place trays at the collecting area, so that they can minimise the cleaning staff, and reduce cost and keep their prices competitive. But noooo, Malaysians just had to be kiasu as usual and act high and mighty - I pay for the food what? Why should I clean up after myself? - so now even the cafe in IKEA is now filled with Bangladeshi workers when before there was none.
I still clean up my table and occasionally dump my tray of rubbish into the bin when I eat at fast food restaurants. I get weird stares but growing up looking like a chinese but in fact being a Malay has made me used to that. After eating at a restaurant, we'd always gather the bones and peels in one plate and stack them up so that the workers don't have to. In fact, we've even converted our spouses to do the same.
Tak patah tangannya pun kalau tolong kemas meja. Takkan patah kaki pun kalau pergi buang sampah kat tong sampah.
Once, I was in a Jusco store while on my holiday and I was reading the customers' comments that they like putting up around. One ignorant customer was moaning on how he/she had to carry all their groceries because she/he happened to be shopping on a No Plastic Bag Day. Jusco diplomatically said that this is their contribution in reducing the use of plastic bags and should a customer need so, plastic bags can be bought for a minimal fee. I say, GOOD FOR YOU JUSCO! - and don't you dare change your principles for the sake of a bunch of silly, selfish people. I brought my own bag and refused a bag from Watson's and they looked at me like I was mad (no such thing as No Plastic Bag Day here - unfortunately).
Can we change this old fashioned mentality of ours? It may take time but a sliver of me is still hoping for the best. For every stupid person who cuts the queue or throws rubbish out their car windows, perhaps there is one person who will teach their kids to line up patiently and clean up their mess after a picnic at the park. And that kid will hopefully teach their kids and so on that one day, perhaps we won't need so many Bangladeshi workers to stack up our plates after we've eaten our meatballs.
Perhaps. Perhaps.
We think that just because some poor Majlis Bandaran worker is paid a salary to pick up our rubbish, that we are entitled to throw them anywhere we want.
Just outside the residential area I am renting, where I spend the night when I'm oncall (no oncall room for MOs that we have to resort to renting a place so we can rest and wash up - ridiculous) - there is this huge district council bin that they've placed so that people can put in their rubbish. This bin is then picked up by the lorry which replaces that bin with an empty one.
Everytime I pass by, despite the bin not even being half full, there would be a mound of rubbish on the ground for chickens and cats and dogs to rip apart and spread the foul smelling goodness around.
Why why why? Are you people so lazy to spend an extra ounce of effort to lift up your flabby biceps to get the rubbish INTO the bin rather than just laying them on the ground? Do you think that the Majlis Bandaran workers take extra pleasure in spending extra time to rake the rubbish off the ground after it has been scattered around by the animals?
In the compound of my hospital, there is a small but charming fish pond full of fat 'ikan keli's and a few kois and a couple of tortoises. Every morning when I pass by it on the way to the wards, there will definitely be at least one 'air kotak' floating calmly across the murky water.
By the seats of the covered way towards the wards, numerous plastic bags with now melted ice cubes, plastic cups covered with ants, orange peels and what nots. Once, I even came across a half eaten 'nasi bungkus'! This is despite having a bin just a couple of strides away.
I have had people throw out their car windows, a container of water (thank god I had my car windows wound up), rambutan and duku skins, a whole bagful of peanut shells.
Seriously lah! In a state where there is a majority of malays - you people are shameful and an embarrasment to the Islamic teaching! Does the Prophet (p.b.u.h) not teach us to be kind and considerate and above all be clean?
IKEA used to encourage customers of their cafes to clean up and place trays at the collecting area, so that they can minimise the cleaning staff, and reduce cost and keep their prices competitive. But noooo, Malaysians just had to be kiasu as usual and act high and mighty - I pay for the food what? Why should I clean up after myself? - so now even the cafe in IKEA is now filled with Bangladeshi workers when before there was none.
I still clean up my table and occasionally dump my tray of rubbish into the bin when I eat at fast food restaurants. I get weird stares but growing up looking like a chinese but in fact being a Malay has made me used to that. After eating at a restaurant, we'd always gather the bones and peels in one plate and stack them up so that the workers don't have to. In fact, we've even converted our spouses to do the same.
Tak patah tangannya pun kalau tolong kemas meja. Takkan patah kaki pun kalau pergi buang sampah kat tong sampah.
Once, I was in a Jusco store while on my holiday and I was reading the customers' comments that they like putting up around. One ignorant customer was moaning on how he/she had to carry all their groceries because she/he happened to be shopping on a No Plastic Bag Day. Jusco diplomatically said that this is their contribution in reducing the use of plastic bags and should a customer need so, plastic bags can be bought for a minimal fee. I say, GOOD FOR YOU JUSCO! - and don't you dare change your principles for the sake of a bunch of silly, selfish people. I brought my own bag and refused a bag from Watson's and they looked at me like I was mad (no such thing as No Plastic Bag Day here - unfortunately).
Can we change this old fashioned mentality of ours? It may take time but a sliver of me is still hoping for the best. For every stupid person who cuts the queue or throws rubbish out their car windows, perhaps there is one person who will teach their kids to line up patiently and clean up their mess after a picnic at the park. And that kid will hopefully teach their kids and so on that one day, perhaps we won't need so many Bangladeshi workers to stack up our plates after we've eaten our meatballs.
Perhaps. Perhaps.
Tuesday, July 06, 2010
Can you help them?
I don't listen to this particular radio station very much. They used to be quite good but things have gone south since about 2-3 years ago. Abg listens to it occasionally - don't ask me why - and would tell me things that he heard there.
So anyway, for some bizarre reason, the geniuses there have come up with a segment called "Can you help me?" - where they would call up people set up by friends, pretend to be some Western native and start a conversation in English.
Somehow, seeing people messing up the language, struggling to find the right words and putting a sensible sentence is something to be laughed about nowadays. The sound of the DJs laughing hysterically at someone's lack of grasp of the grammar is downright annoying and it puzzles me that anyone would find this particular segment funny. This time you people are really scraping the bottom of the barrel. and to think that this comes from the so called number 1 presenter in Malaysia?
Seriously lah - it is about time you people come up with a genuinely funny idea. Till then, give me JJ and Ean anytime.
So anyway, for some bizarre reason, the geniuses there have come up with a segment called "Can you help me?" - where they would call up people set up by friends, pretend to be some Western native and start a conversation in English.
Somehow, seeing people messing up the language, struggling to find the right words and putting a sensible sentence is something to be laughed about nowadays. The sound of the DJs laughing hysterically at someone's lack of grasp of the grammar is downright annoying and it puzzles me that anyone would find this particular segment funny. This time you people are really scraping the bottom of the barrel. and to think that this comes from the so called number 1 presenter in Malaysia?
Seriously lah - it is about time you people come up with a genuinely funny idea. Till then, give me JJ and Ean anytime.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
The curse of the mobile
I was having my post call nap when I was woken by the shrill ring of my phone. I clambered out of bed, reached for it and looked at the display. It's the hospital.
Urgh.
Why is it that staff at the hospital think that just because I am reachable by dialling 10 numbers, that I would take the call?
Do you think I have nothing better to do?
Like for one instance, during a weekend when I unwisely picked up a call from the hospital, thinking that it MIGHT just be something important - and the nurse only wanted to ask me if she should remove the stitches on the patient's leg!
When I started to 'membebel', telling her off for disturbing me for something so trivial (after all, some patients turn up at the clinic with stitches STILL intact weeks after they were due to be removed - but that's another blog entry) - couldn't she have just asked the MO oncall? - she actually sounded 'merajuk' - as if I should be thankful for her!
So, now it's about an hour since the call came in and I am contemplating whether I should call the operator up and ask who tried to contact me in my post call daze. After all - it COULD be important.
On the other hand, it could be something silly and by not returning the call, I would be saving myself one telling off - I don't like telling my nurses off, despite what my reputation is amongst the nursing staff, you know.
Hmm - seriously lah....
Urgh.
Why is it that staff at the hospital think that just because I am reachable by dialling 10 numbers, that I would take the call?
Do you think I have nothing better to do?
Like for one instance, during a weekend when I unwisely picked up a call from the hospital, thinking that it MIGHT just be something important - and the nurse only wanted to ask me if she should remove the stitches on the patient's leg!
When I started to 'membebel', telling her off for disturbing me for something so trivial (after all, some patients turn up at the clinic with stitches STILL intact weeks after they were due to be removed - but that's another blog entry) - couldn't she have just asked the MO oncall? - she actually sounded 'merajuk' - as if I should be thankful for her!
So, now it's about an hour since the call came in and I am contemplating whether I should call the operator up and ask who tried to contact me in my post call daze. After all - it COULD be important.
On the other hand, it could be something silly and by not returning the call, I would be saving myself one telling off - I don't like telling my nurses off, despite what my reputation is amongst the nursing staff, you know.
Hmm - seriously lah....
Duit, do it...
My Abg teases me and say I love money more than I love him. I would deny it vehemently yet in a little corner of my heart, sometimes I think that is true.
Every week, I would log on to my internet banking account and check my account balance. Oncall allowance usually comes in about 2 weeks into the month, usually in with the medical report fees. Salary is usually 2 weeks after.
Al Hamdulillah, I've never found myself crossing off days on the calender waiting for the next pay day - but come salary day, I'd be jumping off the bed, switch on the PC and log on to my account. Seeing the increment in the balance would put me in a good mood the whole day. It's not much, but I know it allows me to spend things without wondering if I'd be able to survive till next pay. On top of that, it allows me to spend on my family without having to worry about credit card debts etc. Like getting a car with a driver while holidaying in Indonesia instead of relying on public transport. Or getting in Borobudur 'legally' - i.e. paying the tourist fees instead of trying to pass yourself off as a local - after all, they own it.
The secret - mainly because I've not much temptations over here. Shopping is limited to groceries and stuff for my furkids. Secondly, I personally think paying the 'zakat' helps increases your 'rezeki'.
But it is only money, I know. Money doesn't buy happiness but it sure does make life better.
and No, Abg, I do love you more than I love my bank account.
Every week, I would log on to my internet banking account and check my account balance. Oncall allowance usually comes in about 2 weeks into the month, usually in with the medical report fees. Salary is usually 2 weeks after.
Al Hamdulillah, I've never found myself crossing off days on the calender waiting for the next pay day - but come salary day, I'd be jumping off the bed, switch on the PC and log on to my account. Seeing the increment in the balance would put me in a good mood the whole day. It's not much, but I know it allows me to spend things without wondering if I'd be able to survive till next pay. On top of that, it allows me to spend on my family without having to worry about credit card debts etc. Like getting a car with a driver while holidaying in Indonesia instead of relying on public transport. Or getting in Borobudur 'legally' - i.e. paying the tourist fees instead of trying to pass yourself off as a local - after all, they own it.
The secret - mainly because I've not much temptations over here. Shopping is limited to groceries and stuff for my furkids. Secondly, I personally think paying the 'zakat' helps increases your 'rezeki'.
But it is only money, I know. Money doesn't buy happiness but it sure does make life better.
and No, Abg, I do love you more than I love my bank account.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Somewhere, something
I've decided to go somewhere in life.
For the past 8 years, I've lived a life of a goal-less MO. I like what I do and despite being so exhausted at the end of some calls, I always find myself waking up and looking forward to go to work. I want to see what broken bones there are and how I can fix it. I want to see feet with abscesses and drain the pus away and make the patients feel better. Though I still do not enjoy telling patients that they need toes cut off, I actually savour the moment when the dead digits have been cut away, thus leaving the rest of the foot to heal.
I guess part of it is because I have a great colleague and an equally great boss and being in a small (albeit with specialist facilities) hospital means that I can at least still spend most lunch hours actually having lunch.
I remember watching my colleague plating a femur by himself for the first time and thinking, I want to do that too one day. I recall the day I had to do it on my own, how I was having palpitations and had to rely on my two MAs for traction before I could reduce the fracture site. Now everything comes automatically - skin, fascia, muscle, bone, screws, drain and skin again - that it feels like assembling a machine on a production line. I used to think 'Oh no not another femur, damn you silly teens and your motobikes!' but now it's 'Bring it on, I'll just fix you and throw you back into the water again'
I guess I'm kinda tired of coming home and living each day as I did the day before. Having holidays break up the routine a little bit but I'm getting itchy. I want a challenge! So, I have decided to do something with my life this year. Whether or not I will get the opportunity, I do not know but at least a few years on, I can't say that I haven't tried.
For the past 8 years, I've lived a life of a goal-less MO. I like what I do and despite being so exhausted at the end of some calls, I always find myself waking up and looking forward to go to work. I want to see what broken bones there are and how I can fix it. I want to see feet with abscesses and drain the pus away and make the patients feel better. Though I still do not enjoy telling patients that they need toes cut off, I actually savour the moment when the dead digits have been cut away, thus leaving the rest of the foot to heal.
I guess part of it is because I have a great colleague and an equally great boss and being in a small (albeit with specialist facilities) hospital means that I can at least still spend most lunch hours actually having lunch.
I remember watching my colleague plating a femur by himself for the first time and thinking, I want to do that too one day. I recall the day I had to do it on my own, how I was having palpitations and had to rely on my two MAs for traction before I could reduce the fracture site. Now everything comes automatically - skin, fascia, muscle, bone, screws, drain and skin again - that it feels like assembling a machine on a production line. I used to think 'Oh no not another femur, damn you silly teens and your motobikes!' but now it's 'Bring it on, I'll just fix you and throw you back into the water again'
I guess I'm kinda tired of coming home and living each day as I did the day before. Having holidays break up the routine a little bit but I'm getting itchy. I want a challenge! So, I have decided to do something with my life this year. Whether or not I will get the opportunity, I do not know but at least a few years on, I can't say that I haven't tried.
Wednesday, June 09, 2010
Who is the parent here?
Last weekend, a couple of scrawny 13 year olds was admitted to ward after sustaining a broken thigh bone each after getting involved in an accident.
One of them underwent an operating procedure to plate his thigh bone and was discharged this morning.
The other, who suffered an open fracture (meaning that there is a wound that communicates the environment with the insides of his thigh and the bone), underwent wound debridement and application of skeletal traction.
This morning, my boss was doing rounds and we were informed that the father wishes to bring his son home to see a traditional healer.
When asked why, the father said, "Because my son doesn't want to". He had no questions about what the chances are for healing or any risks of developing deformity - he is refusing the op because his scrawny 13 year old kid, who had no business riding a motorbike in the first place, doesn't want it.
No wonder I am living in a world where teens no longer have any respect for the elderlies.
One of them underwent an operating procedure to plate his thigh bone and was discharged this morning.
The other, who suffered an open fracture (meaning that there is a wound that communicates the environment with the insides of his thigh and the bone), underwent wound debridement and application of skeletal traction.
This morning, my boss was doing rounds and we were informed that the father wishes to bring his son home to see a traditional healer.
When asked why, the father said, "Because my son doesn't want to". He had no questions about what the chances are for healing or any risks of developing deformity - he is refusing the op because his scrawny 13 year old kid, who had no business riding a motorbike in the first place, doesn't want it.
No wonder I am living in a world where teens no longer have any respect for the elderlies.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Friday, May 07, 2010
Cynical me
A baby was brought to our casualty one midnight - she was found lying on someone's porch. About a week later, another baby was admitted to our peadiatric ward after her stupid mother tried to flush her down the toilet.
Seriously.
How can I face the worst of human nature and still 'bersangka baik'? Can someone sprinkle some fairy dust and make the world better, please?
Seriously.
How can I face the worst of human nature and still 'bersangka baik'? Can someone sprinkle some fairy dust and make the world better, please?
Thursday, May 06, 2010
Heaven is.....
...sitting in an airconditioned room watching your cat chase a piece of lint.
How do you say "I'm sorry but we are letting your mother die" in any other way but that?
We had a patient who was admitted since about one month ago. She had been bed bound for the past 3 months and had developed massive ulcers over her buttocks. Any doctor would know, 'bed bound' - isn't a good thing to hear when it comes to actively resuscitating your patients.
We dressed her wounds, and at one point she seemed better. But she succumbed late last night, passing quietly in her sleep.
She started to deteriorate earlier that morning - and I knew what we were going to say to her isn't what I would want to hear from a doctor who is treating a member of my family.
You may lace it any way you want, but I know what I will understand is that you are giving up on that patient. You are saying that this patient's life isn't worth saving just because she is old, and she has gazillions of things wrong with her.
I find myself saying this to the patient's daughter, and I am reminded of how unfair life can be.
How do you say "I'm sorry but we are letting your mother die" in any other way but that?
We had a patient who was admitted since about one month ago. She had been bed bound for the past 3 months and had developed massive ulcers over her buttocks. Any doctor would know, 'bed bound' - isn't a good thing to hear when it comes to actively resuscitating your patients.
We dressed her wounds, and at one point she seemed better. But she succumbed late last night, passing quietly in her sleep.
She started to deteriorate earlier that morning - and I knew what we were going to say to her isn't what I would want to hear from a doctor who is treating a member of my family.
You may lace it any way you want, but I know what I will understand is that you are giving up on that patient. You are saying that this patient's life isn't worth saving just because she is old, and she has gazillions of things wrong with her.
I find myself saying this to the patient's daughter, and I am reminded of how unfair life can be.
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